05 November 2010

My Unforgettable...

I dunno if anybody saw my "unforgettable" blog a couple months (weeks?) ago, but I was talking about how my grandmother who has been really sick lately--how I could NEVER forget her, never leave her behind.

Well, yesterday, she passed away. 2:40, Thursday, November 4, 2010. She was almost 80 years old. I'm so glad God gave us that much.

I miss her already... I'm not going to lie. When I came downstairs this morning, her hospital bed was already gone... The living room, where she had been staying, was so empty. So much of our lives will change now. Much of everything revolved around caring for her for the past 3 or so months. And now she's gone. No more getting her drinks, finding her medicines, letting the nurses into the house, no more making her BLT sandwiches and seeing her quiet smile, no more rushing out the door in the morning, shouting, "Love you!" to my parents or sister, and having her always mistakenly thinking I was talking to her... and then I would always have to say it to her. I didn't say it to her because I didn't want to disturb her rest... but she was always awake, always listening for those words, searching for that hug, that kiss, that visit... She had overcome so much, only to rely on us for everything in the end. It was really sad.

But I'm glad.

She was in so much pain. Her cancer was robbing her of life. The nurses couldn't even bathe her without the pain flashing across her face. It was like life was clinging to her, instead of her clinging to life. It was so sad, seeing her hold on, just to face more pain each day. And now... now all her pain is over.

And I'm glad for that mercy.

Till next time,
Ash the (Unsure) Dreamer

22 October 2010

please pray...

please pray for my grandmother. again. or still.


hospice has just accepted her this week...

yesterday, we were talking DNRs and weening her off her medications and funeral arrangements.

it makes me sick with grief.

till next time,
ash the (devastated) dreamer

15 October 2010


I dunno if anybody reads my blog anymore, haha, but I just wanted to post this... on the off chance that somebody sees it, for one, and for two, so I can remember it...

It just reminded me about everything I'm so passionate about. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Sleepy) Dreamer

24 September 2010

The Miracle of Life?

Yesterday, probably my best friend in the world right now had her triplets. Well, I guess that's technically not true--the first triplet was born on my brother's birthday (May 19), because they couldn't stop little Ari from coming--I already mentioned her miraculous story. And baby Ari's still going strong. But they knew Ari's "twin" was still in there--and Krista (I'm giving them different names, because they really appreciate their privacy online) had been told there was news about her pregnancy, pretty big news, but she didn't want to know, just because she'd been going through so much, with Ari's INSANELY early birth, and the death of the woman who raised her, and getting pregnant so soon after she'd had twins (I'll call them Zavier and Claire). And she and her hubby Danny had taken in two foster boys (Bailey, age 3, and Christian, 14 months).

So she didn't want to know--she just wanted to wait until her baby came to know. Well, the news was that she wasn't having twins, but TRIPLETS! So yesterday, little Dominic made his appearance in to the world, and they were very excited--Ari had a little Dom to forever be her twin, and life was looking good--until a few moments later, when Krista had more birth pains--and they were like, "Yeah, congratulations, Krista, it's TRIPLETS!" lol.

And then little ASHLEY was born (yes, I STINKIN' CAN'T BELIEVEEEEEEEEEEEEE she named her daughter after me!). Danny told Krista (who told me) that he said that they just HAD to use Ashley, because they loved the nn Lea(h), and that I had been such a godsend in their lives--not just with helping Krista and Danny pick out names for their past five children, but because I had been there for Krista during all the hard times this year. And there have been hard times, let me tell you. I started crying--I STILL can't believe it.

I felt so good, so confident in life, so humble, so honored, so caught up in a perfect miracle of how life is supposed to be, so excited for the Porter family, who now have eight perfect children (yes, even perfect little Ari Porter, who could possibly grow up with a million different problems, but she's still oh-so-perfect, because Jesus gave her a life-sustaining hope for the future!). Hazel, Bailey, Christian, Zavier, Claire, Ariana, Dominic, and Ashley. And they're all so beautiful and loved. I can't believe how GOOD God has been to their family.

And then, my friend Amelie emailed me last night. She had triplets on August 12, and the second of her triplets, Jonas, passed away on September 22.

I was stricken with horror.

Hours ago I was celebrating with Krista, Danny, Hazel, Bailey, Christian, Zavier, Claire, and Ariana over the sweet victories of Dominic's and Ashley's births... and now, my heart is breaking for Amelie, and how she has lost Jonas, too.

Sometimes, I don't understand how in the world life can be fair.

I'm struck by the sadness, the perplexity, of the fact that two beautiful, perfect babies can be born in America, while a beautiful baby boy dies in France. Life seems unfair.

I heard this song today... it seemed to fit what I was thinking... as if I know what I'm thinking, even--I'm so happy for Krista and Danny, but so sad for Amelie and her last baby, Baby Lainey, who has to live without Ysa and Jonas, her two perfect triplets. :*(

Till next time,
Ash the (Confused) Dreamer

18 September 2010


My friend's baby girl, Ariana Abigail June (Ari for short), was born exactly four months ago tomorrow. Tomorrow, baby Ari will be FOUR MONTHS old. I can't believe it. Ari was born premature. Which, in itself, wouldn't be that extraordinary. But Ari was born at TWENTY-ONE WEEKS. We all expected Ari to go. But we all believed that God had monstrously humongously huge plans for baby Ari... so we kept praying and holding on, just like baby Ari has done. Ari's had quite a few complications--her sight and hearing isn't very good at all, and there is a good chance that she will be legally blind her whole life, and her lungs and brain and heart were severely underdeveloped... but Ari is ALIVE. And Ari's doing GOOD. And she's healthy for what she went through, and just maybe, when her twin is born in a couple weeks, baby Ari will be able to come home with Danny or Bridget (we don't know if it's a boy or a girl...).

Baby Bowen Matthew was born just 9 days ago. He was born late, so he didn't face the same issues that baby Ari has faced. But Bowen was born with severe heart problems, and just days after he was born, he had to face open-heart surgery. I can't even imagine. But before they sewed him back up, he arrested. The whole world thought he was going to die. I say the whole world, because he's the son of a fairly famous singer in the Christian music/entertainment world. Hundreds--maybe even thousands--of people are praying for this baby boy. Today, baby Bowen's chest has been sewed back together, and he's doing very well. Time will tell, but today is a good day for baby Bowen Hammitt.

My grandmother has a million and one medical problems, and just as many medications to take daily. She could potentially be battling pancreatic cancer, and they have no solution for her illness. Treating the cancer would kill her. So she musters through every day, taking her medicine, trying to regain strength, watching TV, listening to the antics of my siblings and I. I was sure she would have been dead two years ago. She beat lung cancer, just to be swamped with pneumonia, pancreatic cancer, and who knows what else. When I asked her how her morning was when I got back from church just moments ago, she whispered (since she hasn't been able to talk above a whisper for months) with a twinkle in her eye, "Oh, just like any other morning." My nana's not giving up in the face of adversity and pain is a miracle.

Life may not be perfect, this I know completely... I could point out a million different heartbreak stories that I've heard lately, but life is also miraculous.

Oh, may we never forget.

Till next time,
Ash the (Hopeful) Dreamer

10 September 2010

Studio, Studio...

Ahahahaha... I just had to post this, I positively LOVE this clip, it's so funny. lol. America's Got Talent is really the only reality/contest show I watch, and I just started this summer... and AH, I stinkin' ADORE it now, haha, it's so good! And this is my favorite part from the whole season, lol. :))))

And, well, I WOULD go on to actually say something else, haha, but I can't think of anything else tonight...

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well! Talk to you soon!

Till next time,
Ash the (Amused) Dreamer

28 August 2010

help, my dear friends, please!

haha, I usually go to the baby name website that I love so dearly, but I figured I would post it here first, haha, just to see if you had any lovely ideas.

Yesterday I had a pretty cool idea of doing a story about a blind guy, kinda a gooshy love story... I dunno, maybe smooshing it with this other idea I had about this other blind girl trying to discover who was responsible with the auto accident that caused her to become blind and deaf... and a bit of my new favorite TV show (Covert Affairs--I utterly ADORE Auggie from that show, haha--you should look it up, it's utterly genius), I am not sure if I'll actually write it, but it's the best idea I've had in a while, and I've always loved the idea of writing stories for handicaps, especially with a lead character either being deaf or blind or both.

I'm just trying to come up with a name for him... so far I'm thinking that he'll have a terrifically positive outlook on life, a really sweet sense of humor, a great friend, an utter gentleman... a Christian, of course... my first two ideas for him were Daniel (nn Danny?) and Grayson, maybe August or Christian... but I think the whole August thing might be pushing it, because of the whole Auggie thing on Covert Affairs, haha. Which is why I was thinking of maybe Auguste as a second MN, or something, making him have some French heritage? Haven't decided yet.

But since you all are so important to me and I adore you all so much, I would love any ideas you have, especially since I know that Amelie, Paige, and Jen utterly adore names, haha.

Thanks so much for any ideas you have... :)

Talk to you soon,
Ash the (Creative) Dreamer

21 August 2010



I LOVE this picture. I just hope that if my brother gets the privilege to serve America like so many soldiers do, and if he's a daddy before he gets out of the military, that his little girl or little boy finds it this hard to let go! :*(

Till next time,
Ash the (Sniffing) Dreamer

12 August 2010

Dear Three,

Auguste. Arielle. Charlotte. I don't know what your mommy will end up naming you, but since this is what I know she was planning months ago... this is what I call you, for now. Dear Auggie, Ari, and Lottie. Your momma loves you. I'm not your momma, but I think I love you too. I was so happy for your momma when she told me that she was bringing you all into this world. Dears, this world isn't perfect, but when you have such an awesome mommy that you have, your life will be all right.

I'm sorry I can't be there, that I can't watch over you... I'm sorry that I can't press my nose to the glass and watch you fight for your lives... I'm sorry that I can't move mountains. I'm sorry I'm just a girl. I wish I could be superwoman for you, dears.

Auggie, Ari, Lottie... please... please, for your momma, for EVERYTHING she's been through in the past few months... please hold on. Please don't give up. I know God has given me a feeling of strength and purpose and future for you, and I believe that life will be okay and good again for your family, but until then, your momma needs hope and someone to hold her up. I know you can't hold her up, but you can keep fighting. And when you fight, your momma is given strength. So fight, please, never give up. For my friend that deserves the world. For the treasures that lay ahead for you. For the way your grandpere will adore you, for the way your auntie will spoil you... for the way the world will believe in you.

Auggie, Ari, Lottie... oh, if I could be there in the hospital with you... I would stand next to the window, pressing my nose against the glass, and plead for your lives. I already am pleading for your lives, to the One who I know can move mountains and rescue lives. But something about being there makes it feel more urgent, more real... And I'm sorry I can't be there for you and your mommy in person. But please know that I believe in you. And God believes in you. Your mommy believes in you. And I think God is going to do something amazing through you... so please... please never give up...

Ash (a dreamer)

(P.S... to those of you who don't know... which is pretty much all of you... I don't want to tell all my friend's issues all over the internet, but a lot has happened to her recently, and today her triplets were born, and they aren't even 25 weeks yet... So PLEASE, if you're the praying type, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE pray for them, and please pray for their momma, you can call her Millie. Thanks a million!)

Till next time,
Ash the (Confused, Sad, Overwhelmed, Compassionate, Worried) Dreamer

09 August 2010


Oh, I love little kids. haha.

I went to go visit my nana today... and she lives with my cousin, his wife, and their two girls (Lexi, who's six, and Emma, who's about 18 months). Lexi was so fascinated by me, lol, she just talked to me for over an hour straight. lol.

She was showing me her little toy gerbils, her "cell phone", her toy bat and toy kitty... she's so funny, haha.

At one point, she was like, "Oh, the momma gerbil is Sally, and the baby gerbil is Bebe..."

I was like, "Oh. Okay."

And then about ten minutes later, she SMACKED her forehead like she was an idiot, haha, and groaaaaaaned this groan of death, and said, "UGH!!!! I lied! The baby isn't Bebe, it's PHOEBE!!!! I have wayyyyy too many pets. I always get them confused... I just have three!"

hahahaha! She made me laugh so hard, I was like, "For real? Little kids can be THIS funny?!" haha. She's so silly. :)

I figured I would share that with you, she was such a doll. And so is Emma. ahahaha. They're so cute. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Amused) Dreamer

06 August 2010

The Forsaken

I went to the cemetery today (just for the sake of going to a cemetery). It's always been one of my dreams to walk among the tombstones, and wonder what kind of people they were, and why each one died so sadly... Anywhooooo... I got these pictures, too. :)

How sweet is this? Somebody left flowers at someone's grave in an ORANGE SODA CAN! I want those kinds of people to love me after I'm gone, haha.

This is my unforsakeable!!! :) This is my nana, that I asked you to pray for a couple weeks ago... praise Jesus, she just came home from the nursing home today! YAY! We're so happy! :)))


Why does everyone always say that the cemetery is a creepy place? I don't think so. I'm inspired by cemeteries. How creepy does that sound?! haha.

Today, I wiped dried, dead cut grass off of the tombstones of people that mattered. Some of them died so long ago that I doubt anyone that ever knew them would ever remember who they were, why they smiled, loved, cried, and fought... And that makes me incredibly sad. Cemeteries remind me to love the people around me... Cemeteries remind me why I am so passionate about people, orphans, the unmentionables, the forsaken.

I needed that today. And I saw a bunch of tombstones with one of my family names on them... I wonder if they could have been one of my great-great-great-great-great grandmothers or grandfathers? And how sad is it that I don't even know of them?

Today, it was enough. It was enough to wipe the dead grass off the dignity of people that used to matter. It was enough to walk among their remains, to think of them. It was enough not to say anything... It was enough to remember my history, and the history of this world, and to think about how every human being matters to at least one person.

(Just two videos I really have been loving lately... and, in an obscure way, I kinda thought they fit the topic at hand, haha...)

Till next time,
Ash the (Passionate) Dreamer

02 August 2010

Music Blog, take 2 (or 3)


I feel like I haven't been around in forever... :) And I've been wanting to blog, but I had NO clue what to say, lol. I've gotten all these ingenious ideas for posts, though, so expect a bunch of lists sprinkled with a bunch of stories in the next month or so! :) (That's my blog forecast... haha, I just realized how much I sound like The Weather Channel! lol)

This is my secular-ish music blog... :) I usually post all these Christian songs, haha, but I've been discovering all these secular songs I like right now, so I figured I would post them, haha.

1. "Hey, Soul Sister" (Train)

2. "Airplanes" (by B.o.B, feat. Hayley Williams)

3. "A Drop in the Ocean" (Ron Pope)

4. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (performed by Glee cast)

(I just utterly LOVE this song, I can't believe I never really heard it before Glee... haha. I don't like the original by Bonnie Tyler, just by Glee, haha. This is TOTALLY my favorite Glee cover... haha)

5. "Hello, Goodbye" (performed by Glee cast)

(I am not sure how much I utterly LOVE this song, but I utterly adore Glee's renditions for their songs, so I figured I would post it, and I do love it...)

Haha, and that's it. I really don't listen to secular music, lol. But I figured if some non-Christian/non-religious people were following this, they might appreciate not hearing another Sanctus Real, Addison Road, or Britt Nichole song, haha.

Till next time,
Ash the (Happy) Dreamer

(Please forgive the cussing, ah, this is why I don't listen to secular music that much...)

24 July 2010



Happy afternoon!

I had plans to play the piano and go take pictures in a park this afternoon... but ah, my plans were foiled (Lea's watching TV, and I'm sure she won't let me play, and it's just too infernally hot here right now!)... Then I was going to watch a movie, but all the movies I could think of didn't seem very appealing... so here I am... rambling, while I wait for my music to upload onto iTunes and while I wait for my new profile picture to upload on Twitter. Which, btw, I don't think it'll EVER finish uploading... :/

While I was going through my music, though, I discovered this gem... It's not like it's that old even, lol--I just got it as a free download off some music site before the whole album was released, so I've had it for months now, haha.

Forgive me for the not awesome-ness of my blog lately... I want to write something EPIC, but nothing awesome is coming to me. :/ But I've been thinking of you all lately, and I hope you're very well! :)

And look-ey what I just got from the library this week!!!!! Oooh, I can't wait to dig into them... I'm so mad I have to finish my other book before I can start "The Centurion's Wife"... it looks soooooooo GOOD! And I got another movie, too, but I didn't feel like trying to fit it in the picture, either, haha. It's called "The Cleaner" (with Cedric the Entertainer) and it's pretty funny. Not as awesome as my sister said it would be, but still pretty good. haha.

I guess that's it... :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Bored) Dreamer

17 July 2010

Vacation!!!! :)

I have just returned from my super-awesome vacation... :) It was SOOO amazing... I loved it! :)

We went to the beach a lot... we also went to Cape May, NJ, for one day... we went to the board walk, and a few museums (let me just say that Ripley's Believe It or Not museum is kinda freaky...). I just realized I don't quite have as many pictures as I thought I did, haha, but these were some of my favorites... :)

I stole Becca's sunglasses for the day, hehe. And they're PURPLE... why wouldn't I rock them?! haha.

The lighthouse at Cape May... I thought it looked pretty cool, and I have always loved lighthouses. I dunno why, but for some reason, I loved the way the phone lines crossed over the lighthouse diagonally...

This little path by the west--I think it was west, anyway!--side of Ocean City, MD. I thought it looked so cool... although the picture looks so much cooler than real life, haha.

Just some pictures from the ocean before we came home today! :) I especially love the sun-umbrella thingy... I think it's soooo cool! haha.

My presents from vacation! I'm seriously soooo in love, haha. My flipflops were KILLING me all vacation--I walked around and island with year-old (AT LEAST!) flipflops, so worn out, haha, so my parents gave in and bought me super-cool purple stripey ones before we came home! And I love my new wallet--I have room for everything I need! And I love my purple flower key-chain, my new sunglasses that make me look like a little kid with sunglasses that are 20-sizes-too-big... and of course my awesome car charm that's already hanging in my car! :)

haha, sorry if it wasn't the most exciting blog, but this was the most awesome vacation I have been on in YEARS--I SO didn't want to leave this afternoon! And I just wanted to share. :) I seriously don't know why I didn't love the beach before now... now I want to live really close to the beach... ah, it would be awesome!

Till next time,
Ash the (Psyched!) Dreamer

10 July 2010

Ho-Hummm... :]

Do you &hearts my new blog background? I can't decide--usually I hate the beach (horrible near-drowning experience when I was about 10), and usually I hate beach pictures, but I liked it sorta, and I felt it's fitting (I leave for the beach tomorrow with my sister and my parents!), and I'm SO looking forward to this vacation, so maybe it'll last for a while. And I wasn't crazy about all the other blog layouts, and I haven't figured out how to come up with my own blog format yet, haha.

Usually I actually have something to say, haha, but I just wanted to say hi... and I have a few questions... haha. My mom just let me know that one of her coworkers is pregnant and is trying to pick a name for her baby... and since I'm such a name lover (haha), I of course offered to help! :) I was just curious if you had some awesome suggestions for me to pass along to her. Her name is Angela, and I think her hubby's name is Paul... and their daughter who's about 2 years old is named Caitlin. So far, I've thought of Joshua, Bailey (boy), Eden (girl), Lucia, Claire, and Rebecca that I think would be cute with Caitlin, and I'm going to think about it more later, but I wanted to see if you had any ideas, since I know Jen, you name everything, and Amelie, you love names, just like me! :) And ah, now that I think of Amelie, I think of Charlotte, and I think Caitlin and Charlotte would be cute together... :)

Also, I painted this sky over a year ago, and I wanted to paint kinda a rough sea with sailboats and such underneath this sky, but ever since I got the sky SO perfect (I think so, anyway!), I'm afraid to mess it up! So, ah, I was just wondering what you thought of it? And what you think the bottom part of the landscape should be?

I don't know if I'll be around blogger at all on my vacation--I don't even know if I'm taking my computer, yet--but as soon as I get back, I hope to post some pictures!!!! :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Joyful) Dreamer

02 July 2010

abc. 123. and now you know all about me. :]

Sorry, it's corny. I know. But alas, I can't help myself. I'm feeling quite giddy today!

Amazing Amelie just sent this to me today, I think it is... at least, I just SAW it today... and it sounded SO fun! So I decided to do it post haste. :)

All you have to do is post something about yourself for each letter of the alphabet. :)

A is for adoption. :) Hopefully, one day, I'll have six amazing children named Isabelle Jane, Arianne Noelle, Olivia Wren, Emmeline Ruby, Caleb Joseph, and Daniel Henry. :) ALL adopted. :)

B is for Becca (and Lea, of course!) the most amazing sisters in the world! :) (And of course my brother... Johnny!)

C is for Chuck, the most adorable geeky spy ever! :) (And of course, all my other favorite shows... which pretty much go on forever... haha. But Bones, Chuck, Castle, and In Plain Sight are my favorites!)

D is for Delaney, the most adorable little girl in the whole world and one of my hearts' delights (and of course, her baby sister, Kylee!).

E is for Europe... Don't even ask me to pick between Scotland, France, Prague, Italy, Austria, Germany, or Scandinavia... :*(

F is for France, because j'adore your language more than any other... and I love a LOT of languages! :)))))

G is for God. Nuff said. :)

H is for husband, because mine is still a secret... but i'm sure he's still out there (which makes it all the more exciting). :)

I is for Isabelle (Clementine) Jane, the name I want to give my first daughter (yes, I really do have it all planned out! haha. First son: Caleb Joseph).

J is for Jesus Christ, my Best-est Friend in the whole world!

K is for Karen (my awesomest Mommy! and my daddy, too... Jesus just claimed dibs on "J". *grin*)

L is for landscapes--my favorite things to paint (with oils, of course!).

M is for Mornings with Brant, the BEST and funniest morning show ever! :))))))

N is for names, because i'm clearly obsessed! (I won't go into detail, because to explain it to a non-name-lover is just ROYALLY embarrassing!)

O is for OCD and depression, because they remind me that evil has to be vanquished and that evil is to be fleed, and goodness is very real and very hopeful...

P is for piano, the only instrument I play... (although I desperately want to learn how to play violin and the drums, as well!)

Q is for quiet, because I'm unbelievably shy...

R is for Reveille (one of the coolest poems ever!), by A. E. Housman... :)

S is for soldier, what my brother wants to be. I've always had OODLES of respect for soldiers, but now that Johnny wants to be one, ah, I respect and feel so much gratitude to them even more!

T is for The Scarlet Pimpernel, my favorite classic lit story ever! :)

U is for university, because i can't get rid of it! haha.

V is for violet--my favorite color AND flower! :)

W is for writing, because if I couldn't write stories, I think I truly would be dead. :*(

X is for x-ray... because I had to get one when I swallowed a quarter in Sabbath School! (Naughty me... haha)

Y is for yuletide greetings... because my favorite holiday is Christmas!

Z is for "Z"s. Because I'm sleepy. :)

And ah, I am only allowed to pass this on to one person... so... :*(

But I pass it to Jen at It's a Jen's Life...

Till next time,
Ash the (Giddy) Dreamer

26 June 2010

Conversations with My Girls. :]

If you've read this blog for any length of time at all, I'm sure you've heard me mention my two favorite girls--they are these two adorable little girls who go to my church, sisters, who will both be five (Laney) and four (Kylee) in late December this year. They're basically my primary source of amusement. :)

So today I got to hang out with them between church services and such... so I figured I would share some of their adorable hilarity with you! :)

[Laney and I were looking at this family Bible with a bunch of pictures in it that illustrated some of the stories...]

Me: Look, Laney! It's Noah's Ark!
Laney: Yeah!!!! Those are all the animals!
Me: Yeah, and look at Noah's family!!!!
Laney: (looks at me drolly) That's not Noah's family!
Me: Then who is it?!
Laney: (matter-of-factly) Those are PEOPLE!
(And may I ask, if Noah's family aren't PEOPLE, then what in the world are they?! lol)

[I was holding Kylee as I was waiting for her grandmother to be ready to leave, and we were walking around, and lately Kylee always wants to know what everyone's name is...]

Kylee: Who's that?
Me: That's my daddy. His name is John.
Kylee: John?
Me: Yep, but I can't call him that. But I call him Daddy. He would get mad at me if I called him John.
Kylee: (a bit of fear and worry in her eyes) His name is John? And you call him Daddy?
Me: Yep.
Kylee: And if you call him John he would be very very angry at you?
Me: Not REALLY angry... but I'm supposed to call him Daddy. Because that's what I'm supposed to call him. Just like you call your daddy "Daddy".
Kylee: So his name is John, but you call him Daddy? Because if you called him John he would be VERY VERY VERY mad at you?
Me: No... he would just be like, "No... I'm your daddy, so you call me Daddy." And that's that.
Kylee: Ohhhh...

And there were a bunch of others, but I definitely don't remember them. haha.

Till next time,
Ash the (Amused) Dreamer

Happy Day. :]

Good Morning! :)

Happy Sabbath! :) I know most of you don't celebrate Sabbath the way I do, but Happy Saturday to you! I hope you have a utterly lovely day! :)

I forgot that I heard this song before, until I heard it on the radio just a few seconds ago, and I think I adore this song! So I figured I would share it with you. :) Because that's just the sorta girl I am. haha.


Oh, the song's called "Get Back Up", and it's by TobyMAC. :)

I guess it just gives me hope, thinking one day I'll be able to beat depression and OCD for good... :) And to know that Jesus is with me for always. :)

Anyway, I have to go to church now, so I'll talk to you all later! :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Reassured) Dreamer

23 June 2010


I have a love-hate relationship with my dreams for my future.

On one hand, I LOVE that I love my dreams SO much, and I love that they're so awesome, and that I will probably have a lot of them come true one day. :)

On the other hand, I HATE that I have to wait so long for them to come true!!!! :*(

Isn't this little kid positively adorable?! His name is Jonas. Isn't his NAME positively adorable?!

I just looked at his picture today, and he has a GREAT family, with a loving mommy and daddy, and a little brother on the way. So I know he's not going to be a part of the dream I have to adopt about five kids. (Yes, I seriously plan to adopt at least four kids. Hopefully five. I want five kids, and I'm pretty sure I want to adopt them all. haha.) But when I saw him, in all his adorableness, and when his daddy was describing him... Gah, it made me SO anxious for the day when I can adopt my first child. I always wanted a ton of girls, but now I'm so in love with having a little boy, too, and I just want to be able to be a mommy now! :/

I know it's not time, and I know I'll wait... but orphans shouldn't have to wait for me to finish college and get a dependable job. They shouldn't have to wait for anything. They should have a mommy and a daddy.


Till next time,
Ash the (Frustrated) Dreamer

19 June 2010

in ten years.

Jen from It's a Jen's Life gave me my second blog award a bit over a week ago... It's called the "You're Going Places, Baby!" award. :) And the rules are just to share where I see myself being in 10 years.

And Jen, I REALLY don't know why you gave this to me, because I'm pretty sure this post will go on FOREVER.


But here we go. :)

I want to be a mommy. And I really hope I have at least three children by ten years from now. I'll be thirty-three by then... one would think I could adopt 3 children by then. :) Hopefully two girls and a boy (named Isabelle, Arianne, and Daniel/Caleb? Please? I would love to have a Bella, an Ari, and a Danny/Caleb!), but I'm up to whatever Jesus decides. :) (Of course, after this, I still want two more kids, so I'd have two boys and three girls total, haha.)

I want to have started a knitting ministry. I don't know if it will include more than me or not, but I want to knit lots of scarves and hats and possibly gloves and blankets, and send them all over the world to those that need them, particularly homeless shelters here in America and orphanages in Europe and China (South America and Africa, too, I suppose, but I still can't picture people in Quito, Ecuador, needing scarves, mittens, and hats to keep them warm).

I want to have started some ministry helping orphans. I don't yet know what it is, but I want to stand up for orphans, somehow, and bring more awareness to their needs, and to help them find homes... I'm not sure how to do that, though. haha.

I want to have started traveling across the country with Christian musicians/bands, preaching the Gospel of Jesus. Is it a crazy dream? Of course it is. But that's part of the appeal. haha.

I hopefully will have already spent a year or two in Europe, as a missionary. In an orphanage, teaching English, ministering through a church, preaching, I don't care. I just really want to be able to go.

I want to be a foster mom. Yeah, I know. I already have plans to have five children that are either adopted or my own children. But yes, I most definitely do want to have several foster kids on top of that. Am I crazy? You could say that.


And hopefully, I will have already gotten AT LEAST two of my novels published.

Also, I want to be pretty involved in the Cradle Roll class at my church (for newborns to 4-year-olds), I want to be the most amazing aunt in the world to my brother and sisters' future children, I want to visit my mom and dad every week, I want to sponsor my own Compassion International child (hopefully a very little girlie), continue to give money to help really great causes (Compassion International and Mocha Club and the WordFM are my three favorites!), help out with VBS every summer, be happily married to a very awesome man (I would love it if his name was Daniel, Charles, Micah, Josiah, Joseph, Jack, or Noah... and David would be okay, too... but now I'm just being picky! lol).

I want to be involved in the youth ministry at my church... I want to preach at my church on occasion. I want to be able to still be in contact with some very dear friends of mine right now, and to be able to mentor their future (and current) children in the way of the Lord, I want to be depression free, OCD-free, the best novelist I can be, and ALWAYS dreaming of helping someone else.

Okay... I guess I can see why Jen nominated me for this award. haha. Maybe I dream TOO much. hahahaha.

And I don't even know if I want to be doing all that, but there is SO much I want to do to help the world, and I want the world to know Jesus, and I want to stand up for Him... and I want to rescue lots of hurting people.

PLEASEEEEE let it be so!!!

Okay, I'm supposed to nominate ten people now... but since I don't really follow 10 blogs, even, I don't think... so I'll just nominate a few people. :)

Paige at bp blog;
Amelie at Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie
Ashley at .:Curiously Strong:.

And I think that's it.

If you were brave enough to read all that, I applaud you.


Have a good weekend, everybody! :)

Ash the (Nostalgic) Dreamer

17 June 2010

oh, please... :*(

oh, please, please pray for my nana.

maybe, when i'm not so insanely tired, i'll tell you about her.

but here's the gist of it now: two evenings ago, she fell on the way to walking to supper (she lives with my cousin, his wife, and their two girls), and she fell and broke her hip. when they were doing surgery to fix her broken hip yesterday, they discovered her cancer metastasized from her lungs (where it was nearly two years ago) to somewhere in her leg/pancreas (no one can really give me all the details yet). suffice it to say, if she would have flatlined on the operating table, my dad and his sister signed a do not resuscitate form for her.


i knew this was coming, but i didn't expect it to scare me so much.

please pray for my nana, and my family!

thanks, dears!
i'll talk to you later!

till next time,
ash the (heartbroken) dreamer

11 June 2010

Taco Bell and Changing the World...

I spent much of today trying to convince the patrons of the Taco Bell/Long John Silvers' in my county to donate a dollar to help teenagers graduate from high school.

I wonder why the other register people don't get as fired up about it as me.

At first, I didn't care about it terribly much--I mean, it didn't seem nearly as important as the whole "feeding the children" drive we have between October and December... when people all look down at me condescendingly and say, "Oh, no, dear, I can't give today..." or "No, I positively would NOT like to help feed hungry children in Africa..." it makes my blood boil.

Am I the ONLY one?

Most of the others don't even ask, really, anymore. I guess they're tired of getting no all the time, and they're in a hurry. If I wasn't so completely passionate about helping and saving the world, I guess I could understand. But these are PEOPLE. They NEED help. I realize I can't give all the help to every person that will ever need it.

But is it wrong to want 100% of the customers that come into my place of work to say, "Sure, I'll donate a dollar to help an inner-city kid to graduate from high school, be rescued from the influence of gangs, and go on to live a fulfilled and productive life in the future"?

I realize that the program won't even work for every teenager that they try and help. But they're TRYING. Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to middle class America?

Can I just say that middle class America makes my blood boil?

I guess I'm a part of it, even... we all have our little gadgets and our cars and our homes, and we think we have it all together, but we're losing it enough that we can claim an excuse as to why we can't help this cause or that cause. We come from a history of helpfulness and goodness and God and knowing what's right just enough that we know we SHOULD, but we always have a reason why we DON'T. And most of all, "Later" is our favorite word. I can do it later...

I think "later" should be a word that doesn't even exist.

I think later is the worst idea in the whole entire universe.

I think later will ruin us.

I know I can't change everyone, but if every single one of us who CAN do something would actually DO it, then we wouldn't NEED to worry about putting something off any longer--because all the problems would be solved!

And sometimes, I think that middle-class Judeo-Christian America is even worse than middle-class America. "I already donate through my church..."

Every time someone says that to me, I feel like reaching across the counter, slapping them in the face, and saying, "Thank you for that. I'm glad that your church is doing something to help others. But your church isn't helping THIS child stay alive. Your church isn't tutoring THIS teenager to give them a future. So if you can spare a dollar--which I know you can, I can see it RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HAND... Can you PLEASE just give up your selfish little motives and feed a child instead of have another cup of coffee?!"

Ooooh, I HATE Middle-Class America.

So can you do me a favor?

If your local fast food restaurant is helping some cause--even if it isn't backed by your personal theology or religious persuasions--can you PLEASE do me a favor and donate your dollar to help children have a future, or to rescue children from poverty, or to feed a dying child, or whatever other plan this organization is doing to save the world? Thanks.

On the upside, I'm pretty sure I got over $30 in donations to help the teenagers of America. How awesome is that? And that was just me. If I could do that EVERY time I work on register, and if this drive lasts for a month, I could raise about $500 or so. (I don't work a ton, haha.)

It's not hard to change the world.

We just need to try.

So why don't we try?! :*(

Till next time,
Ash the (Sad) Dreamer

31 May 2010

The Things That Make Me Cry... :*(

Hey, everybody! It's been a WHILE! But that's okay, because this little video I'm posting is a DOOZY! I don't cry all that often, but man, this had me in tears! I don't know if I mentioned this on here or not, but my little brother (who just turned 20 this month) has announced that he wants to join the military, so it scares me, but makes me SO proud. And just thinking of my brother becoming like these people, and thinking of what they have done for our country... yeah, I'm not gonna lie. It makes me cry.

So I just want to say, on this Memorial Day, thank you. I don't even think that any military people read my blog, but I just want to say it, to know that I HAVE said it.

Thank. You.

Till next time,
Ash the (Teary) Dreamer

17 May 2010

Hello! Here's my True Wind blog, as promised. :)

I guess I'll start with the prayer tent... this really awesome art teacher whose the wife of one of the pastors who started True Wind, and she makes these AMAZING prayer tents every year. :) She's pretty much a genius. :) I think most of my pictures are of the prayer tent, hehe. :)

Here's a few more pictures of that part. :)

There was a lot of praise and worship, too... this is a really bad picture, I think, but I couldn't get it any clearer... and it is basically dozens of silly teenagers jumping up and down in front of a stage, so I didn't expect TOO much, haha. I tried to get a picture of the band, but it didn't work well at all... and I took a video of one of the songs, but alas, it sounded HORRIBLE. So I gave up on that, too. Sorry! :*(

And I got a video of one of the preachers... he was probably my least favorite, but that's because the other pastor (Pastor Serg) was always my favorite teacher in high school, and the other "pastor" was a year or two older than me, so I could relate to him easier, haha. I tried to upload the video, but it's taking for-EVER, and I am SO tired, so maybe I'll try again tomorrow evening. :*(

I had an okay time... it's not as fun if you don't really have friends to hang out with, so I ended up hanging out with my little sister the whole time. I love Becca to death, but it definitely wasn't as fun as I hoped it would be... :*( But some of the sermons/speeches/etc. were really good, and motivated me in my own life, so I am pretty glad I went. :)

On another note... I got my new car today! I think I mentioned it, but I'm not sure... in January my old car, Lucy, died... and I was very sad, especially since I lost pretty much ALL my independence. It was HORRIBLE. haha. But today I got a new car! And it's the same model as Lucy, except a year newer, I think. And Lucy was black, and this new car is a maroon-ish color. I've been playing around with the idea of naming her Ruby, nn Roo... but now I'm leaning more towards Ella... I think it's so cute... haha. So I'm thinking of naming her either Ella Ruby or Ella Gwendolyn... :) Do you have any fabulous ideas of what to name her? Oh, and I can't name her Violet (my hairbrush), Macy (my cell phone), Lucy (my old car), Evie/Evey/Eva/Rachel (Eva Rachel is the name of my current laptop), Sarah/Sadie/Lacey (the name of my old laptop...), Norah/Evangeline/Donovan (the name of my parents' van--we can't decide which name to call it... I've always called her Norah, but everyone else always says, "NOOOOO..." and my brother wants to name it Van, so i compromised--a name with Van in it--so I said Donovan or Evangeline, but he wants Donovan, and my mom wants a girls' name... so I just call it Norah and forget them. haha), or Elise (the name of my grandmother's car). haha.

So if you have any suggestions, I'm eager to hear them, but I think I'll probably start to call her Ella, and sometimes with the nickname of Elle. I think it suits her, and I loooove it. :)

Oh, here's a picture of her. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Sleepy) Dreamer.

14 May 2010

My Quest... :)

Hey, everybody!

It feels like I haven't blogged in forever, but I might actually have something to blog about at the end of the weekend!

My high school (well, former high school, haha) is hosting this leadership summit that I am going to this weekend... awesome preaching, lots of cool music, games, talent shows, comedy, hanging out with my sister and old high school friends... I hope it will be awesome. :) haha.

I'll try and take a ton of pictures and tell you all about it later!

Love ya!

Till next time,
Ash the (Tired) Dreamer

08 May 2010


This is my second cousin, Ben! :)

Isn't he adorable?

I got to play with him for a couple hours, and he's so sweet and adorable! :)

I always knew I wanted girls, and I really still do, but after getting to hang out with Ben for a while and see his silliness and how awesome it is to be around little boys as well as little girls... now I want both! haha.

Gah, children are such great gifts from God. :) And I'm pretty excited for the day when I'll be able to have my own children. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Happy) Dreamer

01 May 2010


I don't want to talk long. Seeing that I have to be up in Hamburg (which is like, 30 minutes away from my house) at 9 o'clock in the morning tomorrow, and well, I've been REALLY low on sleep all week...

But it just hit me, a few moments ago, how much I hate this world.

Please go read this.

Sometimes I forget people still grieve long after their grief has been seen by the public's eye. Sometimes I forget how hard it is to lose someone you love. And that sickens me, that I can even forget.

And I heard about a natural disaster happening near Nashville today. I don't even know what it was, but that it happened, and that it threatens lives infuriates me.

I wonder how much righteous anger Jesus goes through each day, thinking about all the injustices faced by the children He loves. He considers every person here on this earth someone He loves. How much pain could that be? How hasn't God died of a broken heart all over again?

Just thinking about one baby boy, not even born yet, who might not live... thinking about Bowen Matthew Hammitt, even though I don't know him, or his family even, makes me want to cry. If Jesus loves one person infinitely more than I ever could, how in the world hasn't He died of a broken heart again?

And why in the world do we have so little compassion?

Till next time,
Ash the (Heartbroken) Dreamer

24 April 2010

Joey and Lena

I love little kids.

They're so stinkin' hilarious! :)

I was at church today, and I was helping this grandma babysit her two granddaughters (aka my two favorite little girls in the whole world!), so when there was the children's story in my church (kinda like a children's sermon, ish), I helped take Laney and Kylee up to the front. Laney's Sabbath School teacher was telling the story, so she especially wanted to be there. :) So I stayed while he told the story.

And this story was basically about John 3:16: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life..."

Anyway, so instead of writing "For God..." he wrote "For Good..." He did this on purpose, btw. Anyway, so by the time I got there, the kids were all shouting at him that he had spelled God wrong, and everything.

So then, this little boy--he's probably in about 5th grade--I'll call him Joey. Anyway, after they were all exasperated at trying to convince him that he was wrong, Joey shouted out, "Mr. Ellis, you need to go back to school!"

haha! I love kids. They're so funny!

Then, "Mr. Ellis" tried to put his hand over "Good" to see if they would just ignore it (which, of course, they didn't... silly little kids!). And he tried to get them to read the Bible verse again. After they tried to do what he asked a couple times, this other little girl (who I'll call Lena), probably in fourth or fifth grade, said SOOO drolly and hilariously: "Mr. Ellis, I don't think God is very happy with you right now..."

HA! The things that come out of kids' mouths. It cracks me up! haha.

I just figured you would enjoy that bit of childish adorableness from my life. haha.

Maybe this is why we need to become like children to enter the kingdom of God. Being a kid is so simple and easy. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Amused) Dreamer

18 April 2010

Ashley the Magnificent's Misadventure

Usually, my self-imposed alter-ego is utterly cool. :) Okay, not always, but I like to think so, hehe. But today... today, Ashley the Magnificent had an utter misadventure. :/

I had to work today, at my semi-nice, but usually-annoying job at Taco Bell. When I got my lunch break at about 2:00, I decided to walk up the hill (only a couple hundred yards) to a nearby Subway restaurant. I made it there with flair--I was oh-so-cool (haha, not really... but it makes my downfall even more the climactic, haha). And I ordered my sandwich and was on my way back to work, to eat there before I had to clock back in. :) The route was part grass, part rocks, but mostly just black pavement. Anyway, so I was all happy (I really don't know why I was this happy--usually I'm not that happy during work, haha) and not paying attention to where I was going. And I stepped into this pothole, and I IMMEDIATELY knew something awful was going to happen, haha.

My ankle twisted in a not-so-great (but not destructively at all--it just felt really weird, haha) manner, and I could feel myself falling--and falling FAST. I don't know what happened, but my fingers were trying to keep my face from getting all scratched up, but somehow they were all mangled and twisted in all the wrong ways underneath my hips (what in the world were they doing all the way down there?!), my rear end was flying high in the air, and my shoulders were somehow very securely fastened to the ground. It's a position I remember LOVING sleeping in when I was a toddler, haha (who knows why, it's one of the most uncomfortable positions I know now, lol!).

The first thing I thought to do was to straighten out my fingers, so I didn't break them, and then I just lay there on the ground, breathing in the grass, trying to get my heart to beat again. I'm such a klutz. haha.

Then I finally turned over, and.... and, oooh, did I mention that this Subway is seated in this gas station?! It totally is, and there were about four or five people filling up their gas tanks, just staring at me, not including passengers in the cars. Oooh, it was SOOO utterly embarrassing, lol.

I sat there for a few moments, then got up and walked back to Taco Bell, and I ate my sandwich. And I was limping around the whole day. When I took a shower earlier, I thought I was going to pass out when I had to wash my left knee, which has a LOVELY rug-burn. :/ It had bled a bit earlier, and I'm all good, but I figured you all would love the little embarrassing moment in my life. haha.

And you want to know the BEST part? After I finished my sandwich, I called my mom, for two reasons. One, because I'm a wussy and I needed to hear my mommy's voice after such an ordeal (hehe). Two, because lunch breaks are UTTERLY boring if you don't have something to do or someone to talk to. :/

So I told her the whole story, about nobody coming to help me up or see if I was okay, and all, and then I went back to work, and while I was sweeping the dining room or something, this family that was sitting at the table next to where I had been eating called my name (we are required to wear name tags, but it's still really shocking when total strangers just call out "Ashley" or say "Thanks, Ashley!" to me. haha) out across the dining room, and they were like, "Oh, we're so sorry we didn't help you up! We thought you were just sitting down to eat your lunch..." (And I still question: What person in their right mind would think that ANYBODY doing a face-plant was just sitting down to have a dandy little lunch?!)


Usually, my life isn't this entertaining, but I thought it was pretty funny. At least I didn't break my ankle or pass out or worse. Thank God. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Royally Embarrassed) Dreamer

17 April 2010

Picture Day!!!!

I usually don't do this, but I really liked quite a few pictures I took today... I'm a really bad photographer, lol, but alas... here they are! :) Lea and I went to this park by a museum in-town today (simply called "The Museum Park", lol), and it was freezing cold, but we had a lot of fun! :)

Purple flowers! My favorite! haha.

I don't like white flowers as much, but these are really pretty and lacy! Sorry about my hand and my iPod, lol... It was really windy, so I had to hold the branch still. :)

There are these really cool bridges everywhere in the park. This probably doesn't do it justice, but they're really rustic and awesome. :)

I love tulips! And I think these white ones were so beautiful. :) There were hundreds of them--well, maybe 50 of them, but they were so pretty!

I managed to get Lea to stop running around to get a picture of her! Isn't she just adorable?

This is my favorite! I just love the contrast of the water and the pretty flowers... and it took me forever to get it just right, so I'm pretty happy about this one, haha.

And I usually hate all the pictures of me out there (well, lately, anyway), but I thought this one wasn't too bad. haha. :)

And that was Lea's and my adventure! :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Artistic) Dreamer

16 April 2010


Sometimes I think we should take life lessons from kid songs.

I am pretty sure I've mentioned it before, but once a month, I play the piano for the Sabbath School (the equivalent of Sunday School, but on Saturday, haha) class for toddlers--well, newborn to just before they turn four years old. Those kids completely revolutionized me--I am pretty sure I know exactly why Jesus said when He said we need to be children to enter the kingdom of God.

But no wonder their joy is so great, and their love is so strong. I was just practicing a little bit ago some of the songs that I'll have to play for them in about three weeks, and the lyrics for one of the songs goes like this:

Jesus made me a special way, a special way, a special way.
Jesus made me a special way, because He loves me.

How great is that?! Why can't the lyrics of ALL songs be like that? Why do we make faith so hard, sometimes?

I think following Jesus was meant to be simple, and we just make it difficult.

I was looking at family pictures tonight, of when I was about ten years old. Around that time, my baby sister was about two, which is pretty much my favorite age ever. I guess I don't know that many kids when they're going through the terrible twos. haha. I was just struck by how awesome it was to be a kid, and how I wish my childhood would have been less awkward, but how beautiful being a child really is.

And then, that makes me want to live out my faith in a very real, tangible, sweet, honest, but especially SIMPLE way. We make faith so complicated, but it's really so simple.

And then I think of the children I hope to have one day, especially a little girl named Isabelle Jane, and I hope it's easy for her, too.

But not just Isabelle and me. I hope believing in Jesus and following the truth comes easily and joyfully to all of us.

And that's all I really have to say tonight. I hope you all have had a great week! :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Hopeful) Dreamer

12 April 2010


Hello, dears! :)

I don't know why I've been doing this lately, but all these funny things I come across are soooo worth repeating, lol. Anyway, so my brother forwarded this to my email address today, and I couldn't stop laughing. :) hahahaha.


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women
she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following
letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's cart when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11 ..October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12 .October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13 .October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14 .October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15 ..October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

Haha, till next time,
Ash the (Happy) Dreamer

08 April 2010

New Blog...

Hey, everybody! I can't stay for long, but I just wanted to say that for my advanced composition class this semester, I have to create this new blog... so this one is still staying, for personal stuff as it always has, but if you want to check out my project, the url is http://ashthehopeful.blogspot.com. :)

Hope you all are doing good! I hope to have a "real" blog up in a few days, haha.

Till next time,
Ash the (Tired) Dreamer

02 April 2010

To Jesus, with Love...

Do you know what I love most about Easter?


I love it that my favorite part of Easter is so simple. Jesus is so simple. :)

I have felt like a royal mess for a bit today. I still feel a bit like I'm a royal mess.

But thinking about Jesus, and how He died, even knowing that I would have days like this--days when my anger makes me an animal, days when my sins make me feel disgraceful, days when I feel like a moron, an idiot, and an imbecile. On days when my sins feel like mountains and I'm living in the valley... Jesus died for me, even then.

Over 2000 years ago, Jesus knew I would have this day... this day when I blow up at friends and ignore His friendship when it matters. And at the end of the day, Jesus knew I would need His hug, and Jesus knew I would need someone to wipe away my tears.

And somewhere inside of me, I believe wholeheartedly that even though Jesus didn't die just for me, Jesus did die so that He could be resurrected, so He COULD give me the hug I desperately need, and He WOULD be around to dry my tears.

Jesus died for this mess that I am.

And that's what matters. Jesus didn't die for me for just the good days--Jesus died for me so I could flourish in the bad days, too.

And that's what makes all the difference in the world.

I can't even imagine Jesus being in a grave on a Friday night like this, not being with me, resting so completely, His fight over, the victory won. I can barely even conceive it. Sometimes, I wish I could have been there, knowing what happens, just to see the faces of the disciples and Mary and all the others when they saw Jesus resurrected. Because those three days saved the world, and to be there would have been glorious.

Right now, though, I'm just so grateful to be on the receiving end of grace that I don't really hope for much else. :)

Happy Easter, everybody! :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Graced) Dreamer

26 March 2010

To Amelie, with Love...

This feels slightly odd... I mean, I feel like I just blogged about this. But I have something I need to say.

Sometimes life doesn't make sense. Sometimes life makes me furious and distraught and confused and lonely and fearful. Sometimes life leaves me terrified. Sometimes life brings me down, and sometimes I am a deep breath away from the worst panic attack in the whole world.

Sometimes life is really good, and I'm glad we can all celebrate those moments. And sometimes life kicks you in your Achilles' heal, and that's when I hate Satan the absolute most.

Amelie, I don't really know how much you are freaking out right now--I can't even comprehend the thoughts in your head, but dearie, I believe in you. And I know there are a lot of crazy thoughts going through your head, but I like to think I know you, a good bit, anyway, and I know you can make it. And I don't think you'll just make it--I think you're going to thrive at it. :) And I'm so sorry this is so hard for you, and if I could hug you across the Atlantic, you know I would. :)

To the other people who read my blog, I don't know what you're going through. I haven't talked to some of you for some time. But I hope you know that I believe in you, too, to overcome any mountain in your way. I love you all so much, and I pray every happiness for you. :))))

Till next time,
Ash the (Peaceful) Dreamer

23 March 2010

Dear Heart...

Okay, Sanctus Real is officially my favorite band again. PLEEEEEEEEEEEASEEEEEEEE GO BUY THEIR NEW CD!!!! Eek, I just got it for my birthday on Saturday, and I am so in love. :) I can't believe it took me this long to listen to it!


So my favorite song from the CD right now is called Dear Heart...

It's so awesomeeee! :)


Okay, I'm done! :) Half of my classes this week have been canceled, so I actually have time to blog during the week.

But now I'm going to watch In Plain Sight, so I'll talk to you all later! :)

Love ya, dears! :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Elated) Dreamer

19 March 2010

Matthew West and the Cabin Mouse

Look-ey what I got for my birthday!!!!!!!! I looooove getting flowers, and I LOOOOOOVE purple, and I LOOOOOOOVEEEE tulips! haha. I'm pretty stoked for my birthday so far. And it hasn't even happened yet! :) I'm a bit sad that the flowers haven't opened yet, but they're purple tulips for my birthday! What's not to like?! lol.

I've been loving telling stories lately--not ones made up in my head, but ones I've come across... and I came across this amazing one this week! It makes me laugh so much, and I hope it will make you laugh a bit, too. :)

It involves one of my favorite singers--his name is Matthew West--and all month he's been holed up in a cabin near Nashville, Tennessee, writing songs for his new album. :) Apparently, he's discovered a mouse, and created a twitter account for the mouse, so the mouse and Matthew West have been dialoguing back and forth, and it makes me laugh a LOT. haha. Hopefully, you'll see. :)

CabinMouse: I am a mouse. I live in a cabin that has recently been invaded by a singing human named Matthew West. Follow me as I make him regret the ... Day he ever stepped foot in my cabin... Mooohooohaaa!!! (evil high pitched laugh) Looks like I have a new follower. At last we meet, Mr. West. U may follow me, but u will never catch me!

matthew_west: We'll see about that. I bought traps. Watch urself.

CabinMouse: I'm smart enough to set up a Twitter account. Highly doubt ur little trap will fool me.

matthew_west: touché. Just watch ur tail.

CabinMouse: About me: I'm the youngest of 123 kids. Was born on Christmas eve in a shoe store. Spent 1st years calling a women's shoe size 8, home. One Christmas eve, some kid bought the shoe for his mom. Somethin' about how "these shoes were just her size." I was homeless and scared. I get emotional just thinking about that tough time in my life. But in many ways I think it has led me to become the mouse I am today. I will tweet more tomorrow, so u can get to know me. Right now, I've got some eating and pooping to do. peace out.

Then, the next day, there was this installment:

matthew_west: U guys r supposed to b on my side, instead ur suggesting I give @cabinouse his own song?! Lets not forget he's a rodent and an intruder.

CabinMouse: I may b a rodent, but I have feelings. Feelings that u just crushed. Besides, u invaded MY house. Not cool, don't expect to b on my record.. If I ever make one. U cut me real deep just now @Matthew_west. Real deep.

And even later:

CabinMouse: Another little get to know me:My top 3 movies all time: 1. Ratatouille 2. Stuart Little 3. Alvin and the Chipmunks. And tonight is movie night. Unless Mr. Hateful @Matthew_west comes back.

matthew_west: Got a bunch of new stories. Headed back to the cabin tonight for some late night inspiration.

CabinMouse: @Matthew_west Crap. Movie night postponed.

matthew_west: "Another little get to know me: My top 3 movies all time: 1. Ratatouille 2. Stuart Little 3. Alvin and the Chipmunks." (via @CabinMouse) weird.

Two days later:

matthew_west: Amazing stories today! Thanks for sending them to me guys. Inspiring.

CabinMouse: Yes, I agree with @matthew_west. Amazing stories. I read them too...

matthew_west: Creepy. "I always feel like somebody's watching me."

CabinMouse: Today's get to know me: My top 3 fav cheeses. #1 a nice aged cheddar. 2. Parmesan (I'm half italian.) #3 Velveeta (a working mouse's cheese). I also like cheese in a can, but that's hard to eat 'cuz I don't have apposable thumbs. @matthew_west brought has good taste in cheese...

The next day:

matthew_west: "Headed to see @matthew_west Hoping they'll let me collaborate on a song." (via @carmenbrown) ummm, Well,See... Here's the thing...

CabinMouse: So, @matthew_west had these people from a radio station in Florida at the cabin. Thought about hopping in their backpack. I hear FL is nice. I've got a cousin in Florida.

And then today:

CabinMouse: Rumor has it @matthew_west is headed to Seattle for the weekend. When the cat's away...

Nine minutes later:

CabinMouse: @matthew_west Your little mouse trap doesn't fool me. But the peanut butter on the end was a nice touch.

matthew_west: @CabinMouse is really starting to get on my nerves. I've actually thought of buying a cat. How do u feel about that?

CabinMouse: ooh, I'm shaking in my whiskers. I'm so scared I just left some droppings on @matthew_west kitchen counter. oops.

matthew_west: gross. U just keep it up @CabinMouse. keep it up.

Haha!!!! See what I mean? So adorable but so hilarious! :) I love it. Makes me laugh every time. lol.

Anyway, hope y'all have a great weekend!!!!

Till next time,
Ash the (Amused) Dreamer

12 March 2010

Ari and Liliana


I'm so very excited about these two little girls who live in the southern region of the US... Can I tell you their story?

I've changed all the names of the people involved, out of respect for my friend. So I have a friend who lives in the South Carolina/Georgia area of the south, Krista. She has a little girl named Hazel who is positively precious and adorable, who is seven. Krista and her hubby, Danny, recently welcomed twins into the world, Claire and Zavier.

Krista and Danny are really awesome, mission-minded people who really want to help out just about EVERYONE around them. After the twins were born, they decided not to have any more biological children, but while they were still trying to have Claire and Zavier, they had considered adoption... they thought they would be able to adopt this little boy, and had picked out a name for him (Josiah Caleb, but he goes by Caleb). They adoption process was completed just weeks before Claire and Zavier were born. They were excited to have their little family of four.

Then they found out that Caleb had a TWIN BROTHER, and Krista couldn't stand the idea of Caleb and his twin being separated (especially after having twins of her own!), so she and Danny began the process of adopting Caleb's twin, who they named Hudson Jacob.

They were happy, Krista, Danny, Hazel, Caleb, Hudson, Claire, and Zavier, their happy little family. They were content to stay that way. But then there was more news.

When Danny had thought that they would not be able to adopt Caleb, and before they knew about Hudson, he had found out a coworker had a baby girl that he could not take care of, and was desperately looking for someone to adopt her. Danny and his lawyer were working together, seeing if it was even a possibility, without Krista's knowledge.

Then one day, only a little bit after Claire and Zavier had been born, Danny calls Krista from work, crying and hysterical, babbling on about the cops and a baby and a disaster, and that she needed to get there NOW. So Krista hauled her five little ones in their pickup truck down to Danny's work. The place was swarming with an interested crowd, analytical cops, foster care case-workers, and in the midst of it all, Danny was clutching a pitiful, crying baby girl, trying to shield her from the noise, the pain, the world. The cops and caseworkers were trying to take the little baby (no more than a week or so old) away from Danny, and he was crying and wouldn't let her go... Krista climbed out of her truck and made her way through the crowd... to where her husband was.

Krista was confused and even a little angry, about it all... but then she saw the baby. Liliana. She was so beautiful and so perfect, and she just KNEW she had to take in that little baby-girl orphan. So it took a while, but Danny's lawyer showed up and explained that Danny and Krista were in the process of adopting Liliana... and eventually it all died down.

Liliana had to go home to her birth parents that day, but a few days later, Liliana's parents met with Krista and Krista's mom, and that's when Krista found out about Liliana's big sister--Ari.

They met at a fast food restaurant, and when Liliana began to cry, her parents didn't know what to do, so Krista offered to change her diaper. I don't remember all the details, but somehow, while Krista was taking care of Liliana, her parents just LEFT! I can't even imagine that, just leaving my two girls with two total strangers. Just thinking about it makes me crazy-furious.

But because Ari and Liliana had been so malnourished, uncared-for, and even worse, they were hospitalized. This was around January, some time.

Ari just came home from the hospital about a week or two ago.

But that's not all--a few weeks ago, Caleb and Hudson's birth family decided that they wanted the boys back. It was really hard on Krista, Danny, and Hazel. But they decided that it was better for the boys to not be fought over than for the boys to be with them. So Caleb and Hudson are now Micah and Joseph, and are back with their grandparents and their birth momma.

But that's not all.

The pain of not being able to adopt Caleb and Hudson (even after the papers were completely taken care of) drove Krista and Danny to a decision: that they weren't going to adopt at all. Not for now, at least.

I wasn't worried about Caleb and Hudson/Micah and Joseph, because even though their family gave them up for adoption in the first place, it sounds like they will be well cared for. But I WAS scared for Ari and Liliana! I didn't know what would happen to them.

But now Krista's best friend, Christiana, and her hubby, Bryan, are adopting the girls. Ari is now at home with them, and thriving. :) Krista babysits Ari during the day, while Christiana and Bryan are at work, and Liliana is still in the hospital, but getting a little stronger every day.

So now do you know why I am so very excited for Ari and Liliana? Do you know why I'm so excited about ADOPTION?! These precious, innocent little souls are finding hope, love, a future, and every dream they would have ever had if they didn't find a family. And while my soul is horrified for the sadness Krista, Danny, and Hazel have experienced, I am thrilled for the treasure Ari and Liliana have received. Even though Krista and I live states away, she sends me pictures of the girls often, and I can see Ari blossoming. She's so beautiful. And strong. And every time I think about Ari's and Liliana's futures, I can't hope but be hopeful.

Because they have received hope.

And I can only hope that one day, I can give at least one or two little ones the sort of joy and hope and future that Ari and Liliana are receiving. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Relieved, Hopeful, Joyful, Elated) Dreamer