Sick

I don't want to talk long. Seeing that I have to be up in Hamburg (which is like, 30 minutes away from my house) at 9 o'clock in the morning tomorrow, and well, I've been REALLY low on sleep all week...

But it just hit me, a few moments ago, how much I hate this world.

Please go read this.

Sometimes I forget people still grieve long after their grief has been seen by the public's eye. Sometimes I forget how hard it is to lose someone you love. And that sickens me, that I can even forget.

And I heard about a natural disaster happening near Nashville today. I don't even know what it was, but that it happened, and that it threatens lives infuriates me.

I wonder how much righteous anger Jesus goes through each day, thinking about all the injustices faced by the children He loves. He considers every person here on this earth someone He loves. How much pain could that be? How hasn't God died of a broken heart all over again?

Just thinking about one baby boy, not even born yet, who might not live... thinking about Bowen Matthew Hammitt, even though I don't know him, or his family even, makes me want to cry. If Jesus loves one person infinitely more than I ever could, how in the world hasn't He died of a broken heart again?

And why in the world do we have so little compassion?

Till next time,
Ash the (Heartbroken) Dreamer

Dear Heart...

Okay, Sanctus Real is officially my favorite band again. PLEEEEEEEEEEEASEEEEEEEE GO BUY THEIR NEW CD!!!! Eek, I just got it for my birthday on Saturday, and I am so in love. :) I can't believe it took me this long to listen to it!

Haha.

So my favorite song from the CD right now is called Dear Heart...



It's so awesomeeee! :)

haha.

Okay, I'm done! :) Half of my classes this week have been canceled, so I actually have time to blog during the week.

But now I'm going to watch In Plain Sight, so I'll talk to you all later! :)

Love ya, dears! :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Elated) Dreamer

These Things Take Time

Sorry this quality isn't the best, but I positively ADORE this song right now!!!! :)

Do you know why I love this song?

I love it so very much because it says the most perfect thing. To me, right now, anyway.

I have so many questions, so many raging injustices that I can't believe haven't been fixed, so many hurts, and I am the kind of person that wants things fixed IMMEDIATELY. I get a D+ on my science mid-semester grade? I want to do a million extra credit assignments to get it back up to an "A" IMMEDIATELY. I can't wait. I have a dream to help somebody? Who cares if it's 1:30 in the morning! I want to help them NOW!!!! haha. That's just how I'm wired. So it's really hard for me to live patiently.

I was so outraged this week when I heard that people were rescuing a killer whale that KILLED THREE PEOPLE. And apparently my mom's coworker/friend thought it was no big deal that the killer whale killed THREE HUMANS, but she was about to have a cow at the thought of putting the beast down! And apparently, she values the life of one animal above people, above even orphans or children suffering under the abuse of their crazed parents... I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. And so I go to do my Bible study, and I pray, and I'm like, "God, FIX THAT NOW!!!!" And a few sheepish seconds later, I add a meek, humble, "Please..."

My emotions are depleted when I think of the YEARS I have spent trying to get out of depression and OCD, and I turn to Jesus and say, with tears in my eyes, "Jesus, PLEASE, heal me NOW!!!!"

When I think of this lady I know, who is getting a divorce, and how her life with her husband and her two adorable little girls is going to be RIPPED apart, and how she is going to have to get a job, and how her little girls (for the sake of privacy, I'll call them Ella and Genevieve) are hardly ever going to see their daddy anymore... Ella is three--almost four! I'm pretty sure she can understand a little of it, anyway, and this is going to crush her. And Genevieve? Genevieve is about 8 months old. She never even got to see the good side of her daddy. It makes me sick. And my friend--I'll call her Anna--acts like nothing is going on. I can understand that she doesn't want to share and if she just wants to mourn inside of herself, for what she is losing, but it sounds like she doesn't even care that she is losing her husband. And it makes me sick. And I'm like, "Jesus, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE do something!!!!"

And today I found out someone DIED at the Olympics during an event for the Luge (Louge? Can you tell I don't watch the Olympics? haha), and he flew over the rail, and, going 90-some miles an hour, he flew into a metal pole and died, instantly, I guess. I almost started crying at my dinner table. And just thinking about it now, I'm like, "Jesus, why aren't you doing anything?!"

And this week, my one friend who I will call Krista... she has a sweet little girl who is seven who I'll call Hazel. She had twins in December--Claire and Zavier--who are just as adorable. She and her amazing hubby, Danny, were in the process of adopting FOUR children. They had already finished the paperwork for the two one-year-old twin little boys--Caleb and Hudson--and they were officially Krista's and Danny's. :) And they were in the process of adopting two precious little girls, Liliana (about three months old), and her big sister, Ari... I was so excited for this amazing family, because I could only IMAGINE growing up in such an amazingly big, loving, sweet Christian family. Caleb's and Hudson's birth family have been saying they want the boys back, though, and they were so tired from fighting over it that they decided that right now they just can't take it, emotionally, adopting ANY of them. So Caleb and Hudson are going back to their birth family (who it sounds like will take good care of them, even though they gave the boys up for adoption at the beginning), and Krista's friend is adopting Liliana and Ari. And Krista is so torn on the inside and she came to me so sad about it all, and I am sickened that these sorts of things actually HAPPEN to children. :/ And I was like, "JESUS WHY is this happening?! DO something!!!!!"

And all these things happen, and these are just a few examples I know of, and I don't understand it. But when I hear this song, I don't hear that Jesus isn't doing anything, but that if I wait on Jesus, everything will be perfect one day.

And today, that's what I need to hear. :)

Anyway, so happy weekend!

:)

Till next time,
Ash the (Weary) Dreamer

My Musical Blog... :)

Hehe, one of my best cyber-friends, Amelie, recently posted a musical blog, about all her favorite songs. I laughed, I listened, and I was inspired.

So here is my musical blog. :)

You may not love music like I do, but I hope you'll find my tour of the soundtrack of my life somewhat amusing, at least. :)

1. "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard.



Don't ask me why I put this one first. Hehe. But this was a song Amelie was considering for her wedding song, and I COMPLETELY fell in love with it! I usually don't listen to music that isn't Christian and isn't from Glee or Disney channel (lol), but I really, really love this sweet love song. :)

2. "The Lost Get Found" by Britt Nicole



I know I already posted this song on here, but I stinkin' LOVE it, and it's my song of the year, so get used to it. Haha. :) I stinkin' love this so much. It's so happy and talks about so much that I value. :)

3. "Sunshine/Halo" by Glee



Gah, I LOVE the show Glee! :) hehe. I'm such a Gleek. :) And this song is sooooo amazing. At least, I think so! :)

4. "Safe" by Phil Wickham



If it's possible to fall in love with someone's voice, I think I've fallen in love with Phil Wickham's. Hehe. It's just so magical and amazing! :) And I love the words, too. :) So hopeful and healing. :)

5. "Dear God" by FM Static



LOVELOVELOVE! Hehe. :) It's just such a real way to approach God--no lies, no disrespect, just longing for truth and life. This is how I want my relationship with God to be--but sometimes, it just doesn't end up this way. :*(

6. "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real



Sanctus Real is my very favorite band, so OF COURSE I had to put one of their songs in here! This is currently my favorite. It's so healing.

7. "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road



LOVELOVELOVE this one, too! :) Addison Road is sometimes tied for my favorite band with Sanctus Real, and sometimes it's my second favorite. But I LOVE their lyrics, and I love the music, and Jenny Simmons is positively hilarious. :) (BTW, you should check out her blog at www.jennysimmons.com...). Besides, this song makes you THINK! :)

8. "Next Thing Ya Know" by Matthew West



I just love Matthew West to pieces, too! :) Hehe. I love this song, too. Sometimes I wish how powerful the moment is when people choose Jesus. :)

9. "Speaking Louder than Before" by Jeremy Camp



Gah, I LOVE this song, too! :) It just makes me sick that people have the ability to help the world and change it for the better, but they choose not to. I love that this song talks so much about actually DOING something to help. :)

10. "Last Night" by Kristin Chenoweth and the Glee cast...



Hehe, another Glee song. I love this song, for some reason. Not sure why, but I do. :)

Hehe, anyway, it was probably ridiculous, and I just wasted about 75% of my studying time, but it was fun, anyway. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Amused) Dreamer :)

Sanctus Real

Oooh, just gotta get one more story in here! :)

Sometime this week, I had this weird dream that I met Sanctus Real at some playground somewhere in the country (probably somewhere in my state, but I dunno), and from there they came to my house and helped me paint my little brother's bedroom that's already been painted. lol. VERY strange.

So when I woke up, I logged into Twitter, and this is what I wrote:

"woke up about an hour ago. :))) had this awesome dream that i got to meet sanctus real! now, if only it would come true... :))))))))"

Then, later that day, Sanctus Real responded to meeeeeeeee!!!! :) This is what they said:

"@ashthedreamer Come to a show and say Hi...dream come true"

:)

BTW, "ashthedreamer" is me. :) Hard to figure out, I know. lol.

Just wanted to share that... :)

Ash the (ecstatic) Dreamer!

Holy Moments...

This is going to be a short one, since my dad will get out of the shower any minute, and then we'll be off to church. :)

I've just been thinking, over the past 24 hours or less, about holy moments that I share with God. I don't know why, but in the middle of the night, when it's all dark, with no lights, as I listen to my favorite Christian music, as it seems like my story joins the music and we all go dancing through life... those are the holiest glimpses for me... I want to have them more often.

I've been missing God lately. Not that He's never around--He always is. :))))))) But I've been making my time with Him sparse, and I'm getting really ticked off at myself, that I do this to Him. He is worth so much more, and I really wish I wouldn't get caught up in the things that don't matter--catching up on TV shows, mainly, but just wasting time in general, wasting moments on things that don't matter. For a girl who feels called to revolutionize the world, I feel like I'm backing away from my purpose. :*(

God is merciful, and I'm learning. Sometimes I feel like this perfectly purposeful life is not even for me to grasp anymore, that I've messed up too much to live so perfectly in an instant, but I'm learning that grace doesn't listen to what Jesus' foe tries to tell me. I'm so grateful for that. And you don't have to wait for things to align perfectly, either. Grace is for the taking, and GRACE is for today. Take it. Grasp it. Believe it.

I wish I had a beautiful story to go along with this, a touching story to tell that will rapture your heart and make you believe... because stories have that tendency... but all I have is last night. :) It was a beautiful night. My family had all gone to bed; I was sitting in my father's recliner, and I had just read two Psalms for my Bible study... I was thinking about how sometimes, even after I'm past depression, it still doesn't make since and I don't know why God let it happen to me.

And then I turned on JCTV (this teenager Christian TV station), and it was a bunch of music videos, and I just watched... and all of a sudden, I was there. With Jesus in the room. And Matt Hammitt singing his song, and the lights flashing, and somehow was just dancing through it all, as Jesus led. Worship. That's what life's about.

And I want to experience it more.

Till the next time (hope it's not so long!!!),

Ash the (Worshipful) Dreamer

Ruts and Revolutions

Hello! I am twenty one years, one week, 18 hours, and 48 minutes old now. :) I might actually have something to say on this weekly Friday blog! :) Shocking, I know.

Nothing has really changed in my life... I still have humongous amounts of psychology assignments, projects, tests, and quizzes due every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I still miss Pennsylvania enormously, and I still am in love with orange juice (yes, it's true...), and I still want to pray with Sanctus Real and Addison Road more than almost anything else... But... my heart has changed.

I had been in a rut lately. I don't like to talk about ruts, because that means I let myself get into a rut. And if I let myself get into a rut, well, then, the dreamer inside of me that begs to live life to its fullest every day has sorely been lacking in making the dreams come true! Anyway, so, there is just something about this school I go to that makes me get into ruts like that. :*( It's very sad. Which is why I will probably go to school in Pennsylvania next year! (That makes me very excited. I miss my beautiful state, and all the beautiful people in it that I love so dearly.)

Anyway, back to the rut. My biggest dream (no matter what else I say, this really is my biggest dream) is to have a purpose, and I want my purpose to impact the world dynamically for Jesus. To strive for a goal, and, at the end of my life, look back and know that my life wasn't just going to kindergarten, and then elementary school, and then middle school, and then high school, and then college, and then getting married, and having the socially expected two children (I want tons more, and I want to adopt, like, five), go to work every day, wear myself thin and, when I'm old and graying, wonder what it all was for. There is a greater purpose, and I. WILL. LIVE. IT!!!!!!!! I have always felt that way. :)

At the beginning of this week (and during most of spring break), I was feeling that my life wasn't leading anywhere, and, no matter what field I went into, I was still going to be in that rut, and my life wasn't worth anything, and it wasn't pursuing any purpose. This was my rut.

I hate ruts.

Anyway, so I was praying a lot during this week, trying to pray myself out of my rut (I do that a lot... and it usually works! Imagin that!)), and not only did it bring me closer to God, but in this moment, I feel the purpose and passion returning. I love it that I serve a God that has known my heart before it was even created, and I love it that He made my heart to pump and pulse for a purpose, and that He created that purpose, just to satisfy those desires! I love it that I'm not an ordinary person, that I can--and do--live above the norm, and that I don't have to be another statistic. I can single-handedly begin the revolution for love and people's hearts, because Jesus has put that passion in me, and He gives me power because the Holy Spirit is upon us... It takes my breath away that God gives me this passion and this pursuit, just so I can desire and chase His crazy-thought-out dream for me, and then I live it, and it is perfectly how God Almighty meant for it to be!

One day, down the future after I've been trained by Almighty God to the point where I am ready to go out and change the world in a big way, I will live my dreams, and I will know that this dream was headier and more magnificent than I could have ever imagined. :)))))))))))) Oh, wow, how I long for that day! And the greatest part is, I won't even know it, because I'll be preaching and hugging kids and praying with teens and babysitting for overstressed single moms, and in the middle of it, when I can take a breath and look around me, I just might see the dream I had back when I was in high school and college, and realize that what I do to live this love revolution, it is good. And not only is it good, it is very good. But it's never going to be enough. I can never be too good, because the world will always need to be changed.

And, in the meantime, I can change the world on a small level. Watch Hogan's Heroes with my two little sisters. Hug Laney and eat with her at potluck at church. Greet people as they come to church. Pray for my momma when she has a hard day. Listen to Myla and Ashley when they don't know what to do. That kind of thing. And that's always incredibly fun, too!

While I can't do everything, I can make my mark on history, and I refuse to not be one of those people that the world looks at, and says, "Wow, what kind of young person is that? She isn't an ordinary person."

And they'll be right. Because I'm not just one of the hundreds of Ashleys. I'm Ash. The Dreamer. And I'm going to change the world! :))))))))))

Till next Friday,
Ashley

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

hey, everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i made a pact with you to try and post a new blog every friday night, so i'm holding myself to that promise tonight!

today was a good day. most of my week was uneventful... i watched ncis and posted on this awesome website called parentsconnect.com... if you go to babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com, you can find your way to joining the website. anyway, since i'm such a name junkie, i love that website. anway, so i was on that site a lot this week (as usual).

on tuesday, i went to my old workplace, the taco bell by my old high school, and i hung out with the mikucki brothers and carol for about an hour. geoffrey made me laugh; joe made me remember what it's like to talk about life and God. carol just made me smile. :))))

on thursday (aka yesterday) i went to this awesome sandwich/soup restaurant with my family (it's called Isaac's... maybe you've heard of it? anyway, it's fantabulous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and i had my favorite-est sandwich in the whole wide world. it's called the Giant Sequoia. and yes, it is unbelievably large. :) but it is sooooooooooo worth it. that, and the yummy potato salad that comes with it! that was one of the things i most wanted to do over break--go to isaac's with my mommy! and i got to, but it was with my daddy and my brother and my two sisters, too! yay.

anyways, back to today. for some reason, last night i was unbelievably tired at 9:30, so i was asleep by 11:00 thursday night! hmm. anyway, so i woke up by around 8/8:30? really early for break, i know. i've been getting up at 11/12/1-ish all week. anyways, so i got up early and i had my morning prayer and i watched some ncis. since i've really been loving the name Olive (nicknamed Liv) a lot lately, i tried to figure out what i would name my daughter if i named her Olive (both first and middle names), and i finally came up with two possibilities: Olive Juliet (i love the shakespearean reference) and olive lucia (i've loved lucia so much, and i really wanted to get it onto my 10 favorite name combinations! i think i might have found it, finally!). then my daddy made me mini bean burritos, which are soooooo yummy, and i watched more ncis! at about 1:45, i left home to go pick up my sisters from school (they're not on break), and we made a stop at rita's ice (they were giving away a free italian ice to each person that came to their store today, since it is the first day of spring, and then if you wanted a gelati, you only had to pay a dollar. great deal, and it made me happy!). so i bought my two sisters a gelati each (they both wanted cotton candy... it looked kinda gross to me. i got georgia peach!!! it was yummy!), and then we went and picked up my grandmother! she lives about ten miles away from us, and she's been battling cancer and a lot of health ailments lately, so we rarely see her, and she doesn't really come to church anymore, so we all missed her. but she ate at our house and watched me open my birthday presents. it was nice to see her again. i got to see my two little second cousins, too! lexi is five, and emma is like, two or three months old. :) they're such cutie pies! anyways... i digress.

so just before we ate supper, my stomach started KILLING me, so my whole family had to eat without me! it was a disaster. well, kind of. but it was annoying, lol. so i told them to start their desserts without me. we had vegetarian meatloaf (yummy!), mashed potatoes, broccoli, and celery sticks with peanut butter!!!!!!!!! so good. then for dessert, i got to have fresh made chocolate chip cookies and a milkshake my brother made for me! it was so good.

then we went to open my presents. not at all what i expected. although, i wasn't really just DYING to get any specific present, so it was all good. the things i most wanted, i got (except for two things--i always get an itunes gift card, which i really could have used, and i wanted this movie called fireproof... it's really awesome. anyway, maybe i can get it later...). i got hogan's heroes season three (i love that show!), and an album from adventures in odyssey, my favorite radio drama, and i got some cool clothes, and a cool scarf and an autographed Sanctus Real (my favorite band!!!!!!!!!!!) CD ("Say It Loud") from the concert i went to last Sabbath night. not only that... in passing, i mentioned to my mom that it might be nice to have a new camera, because the one i had took REALLY bad pictures at concerts, and i wished i could get better pictures! i thought she was half asleep when i told her! but, then when i opened my presents tonight, surprise!!!!!!!!!!!! imagine that, a brand new digital camera, and it's pretty, too!!!!!!!!!! (it's this cranberry/mulberry color, which i love, after purple and green and maybe yellow and pink... anyway, it's one of my favorite colors, lol...)

anyway, i'm sleepy, so i'm going to call it a night.

it doesn't really matter to me that i've turned 21, except for the fact that i have more legal rights. i won't be out drinking alcohol anyway, so that's not a big deal to me. what other perks does being 21 bring? i sure don't know. i don't really care, either. lol. the things i care about--God, loving people, being able to read and write, listening to music and watching awesome tv shows and movies... i've always been able to do those things.

anyway, toodles for this week.
happy living!

ash

In Six Days... YAY!

hi. i'm really sleepy tonight, so it's not going to be long.

not really much to tell, but there's some pretty exciting count-downs happening on the whiteboard outside my dorm room door:

06 days till Spring Break
14 days till Ashley's (that's me!) 21st Birthday!!!
08 days till my second Sanctus Real concert!!!! (okay, this one's not on the whiteboard, but it should be!!!)

All I'm worried about is getting a ride to the airport! Otherwise, I'm set for Spring Break, after I finish all this stinkin' homework! ugh. Anyways, that's about it for now. I'll have exciting stories for the whole time of Spring Break; I'm doing a lot (the SR concert, my birthday, getting to see my favoritest little three-year-old Laney--EEEPPPP!!!!!!--seeing family, seeing my grandmother who's dying of lung cancer, meeting my new second cousin Emma, going to see all my old coworkers from last semester, maybe some job hunting, definitely some book shopping, some college planning... and maybe even going to see the movie duplicity after it comes out in theaters!!!! yeah, that is a lot, alright!). so if i have time in the midst of all of that (oh, and some reading for homework and some writing for fun, too! and catching up on some NCIS episodes...), then i'll definitely spill all of it. i'm so excited. :)

well, i'm going to try to post a video from the sanctus real concert in september, but it might not work very well, because the internet is really slow on campus.



happy weekend, everybody!

the icarus account, sanctus real, and elisa. :]]]]

i just wanted to say all over again how much i LOVE this time of the week! it's friday night, no homework, no social pressures, my Bible study's already done and i feel really close to God. i've been watching some A-Road podcasts, and i pretty much love them. i love the new icarus account single, "so in love," (check it out... www.myspace.com/theicarusaccount, it's awesome). i love it that i am going home in a couple weeks (actually, in 13 days!!!! eep!). i love it that i'm going to my second sanctus real concert on march 14, and that this time i get to take my little sister, too! i love it how i saw Jesus' heart in my Bible study tonight, and how i wasn't the only one who thought the accusation that Michael W. Smith's music being of the devil (especially his worship songs) was a bunch of baloney that made us all really mad, lol (really bad vespers, don't ask... okay, maybe you can, but it is still really frustrating). i'm in love with the story i'm writing right now... it's called "Elisa", and it's about this band and a little girl that finds hope. it's gonna be a best seller if i have anything to do with it, and i love it to death! and i really love all the characters, especially elisa, noah, and hadley! and grant, abby, and jacob aren't bad, either!!!! it's snowing here in the midwest, and that's kinda cool, too! mainly i love too many things!!! lol.

i haven't been up to much, i have a bunch of projects due in different psych classes, lots of midterms (oh, i happened to sleep through my first one, that was BAD!!! but i got to make it up. i love grace!). my roommate's painting a few feet away, and i'm considering going to bed relatively early this friday night (i usually don't call it a night until at least one o'clock... silly me).

tomorrow's my dad's birthday. well, wait, i lied. i am just so used to SAYING that it is his birthday, because he's a leap year baby, so we celebrate it on feb. 28. i wish i could be there! and i wonder where my family put that big recliner that my mom got him for Christmas.

i'll try to post more often, probably more like once a week, even though i don't really have anything to say. i'm just really happy to be alive; i don't really have anything else to say.

oh, here's the lyrics for that song... it's so simple and raw, not like singers who have been playing for decades and everyone thinks that everything they do is gold. it's simple and beautiful. their music makes me want to fall in love. :)

your hand it fits perfect in mine
the world has stopped
and so has time

cuz we're so in love
we're so in love
we're so in love

city lights, cloudy skies,
slow dance in the rain,
i won't forget how it sounds
when you say my name

so we saved the best for last tonight
a simple hug, a kiss goodbye
as all of the angels sing a song
heaven and earth join to sing along

and we're so in love
we're so in love
and we're so in love

i'm turning the table, i'm changing the time
i'll do anything just to keep you mine
you're one of the angels, yeah it's true
i'm saying it happened when i'm with you

and we're so in love
and we're so in love
and we're so in love
we're so in love
we're so in love
we're so in love

i love the way that you say my name
i love the way that you hold my hand

like we're so in love
cuz we're so in love
and we're so in love

well, happy Sabbath!!!

goodness.

it's late. haha, for some reason, i usually do most of my blogging late at night, or early in the morning. not sure why. but i love this time of the day. everyone is asleep, and i have time to listen to my favorite music and commune with God. it's just amazing. and it helps that i can look up into the sky and see the stars twinkling and winking down at me, reminding me that all that is good now will always be good.

i mean, sure, the world is in upheaval. when isn't it? there are always going to be murderers and liars and money launderers and rapists and terrorists. this world is broke and falling apart. but all that is good now has always been good and will always be good. isn't it true?

think about the good things in life. the way a mother loves her babies unconditionally. the way Jesus showers mercy on this pitiable orb that needs that mercy and grace so badly. the way hope is in the eyes of african children, and the way three-year-old little girls jump into the arms of the ones they love with utter and complete trust and unabashed love. all that is good will always be good. it's true.

in my life right now, a lot is good. i'm studying a major that i thought i would hate but i am fastly falling in love with it. i am making plans to change the world. i have a family and tons of friends who love me. i get to go to church tomorrow. Jesus still gives me more grace. that in itself is worthy of saying all of life is good.

where would we be were it not for God's grace?

wow.

i'm just looking out at the lincoln, nebraska, sky tonight, listening to matt hammitt sing the words of my favorite song by sanctus real, "things like you," and i'm falling in love with life again. i've had some problems lately, stuff so personal i don't want to get into it, but in the midst of it all, God is still here. Emmanuel. God. with. us.

it seriously sounds like i'll get to go to my second sanctus real concert. something i'm completely stoked about. in 21 days, hopefully i will get to see a sunshiney three-year-old little girl by the name of laney, and i'll get to carry her out to her car like i have done every Sabbath afternoon for weeks last semester. for the first time since i semi-moved out of my house, i've heard that my baby sister misses me. i've heard that she missed my brother, but never me. that means more than i can imagine to figure out how to say. and one of my biggest dreams just might come true in three weeks. that would make me pass out, almost, i think. maybe i should bring smelling salts, just in case. lol.

God is good.

i guess that's all i'm trying to say tonight. no matter what has happened, life is still good, because God is always good.

so, i'm back at my private college in the midwest, and i never thought it would be this different!!!!!!!!!! i can't believe it. i figured i'd keep you up-to-date, though, so here's my update.

my friends are awesome. i can't believe i have gone this long without seeing them. they're gonna kill me if i become a task force dean next school year. haha. oh, yeah. i'm trying to be a task force dean at my old boarding academy. hope that works. we'll see. i just got internet today, and i'm pretty psyched about that. i just found out i have no quarters or laundry detergent for doing laundry, and i'm not too psyched about that. i can't find my new pjs that i got for Christmas, and i am not too psyched about that, either. i am pretty psyched that i've been talkin to some people about baby names, lately, though. can't believe how addicting that is. maybe they should have another na (is there a narcotics anonymous? there should be a names anonymous. man, i need help, lol).

i have three psych classes, a history class, a badminton class (which i'm totally psyched for... i LOVE playing badminton, and i haven't gotten to since, like, eighth grade), and a Bible class (which i'm pretty psyched for, too!). mainly, i'm psyched to be alive, and psyched that i'm around all these people that are crazy about me, and i don't even know why!!!!!!! haha. i guess i really am loved. can't wait to meet sanctus real again... i'm planning on that for my spring break (hopefully, anyway!!!!!). i'm planning something, but i want it to be a surprise! so i'll tell you all about it later.

i think i should apply for scholarships here. that way, i can get more money, so i'll have money to go to the sanctus real concert over break. that'll be awesome. i talked to my mom today, and she's gonna send me a care package... already! YAY!!!!!! i can't wait. cookies and pudding and nutella and pop-tarts and string cheese and apple cider!!!!!!!!!! my favorite-est things in the whole world! :) (well, besides people and things about Jesus and the Bible and writing, of course, lol)

well, i'm getting tired, and i have a crazy load of classes tomorrow, so i'll talk to you guys later... :)

love,
ash

toes and drummers and marriage and twitter...

i stubbed my toe today. actually, about an hour ago. and it hurts REALLY bad. i almost passed out. but then again, i have a low tolerance for pain, so that's not really saying much.

i got a twitter account since my last post. still not sure if i want to put it on my blog. i just found my cousin in france on twitter. that made me pretty psyched. i haven't seen her for years, and i haven't talked to her for months. :*(

and for some reason really unknown to me, mark graalman, the drummer from sanctus real, is following my posts. ??????????????????!!!!!!!!!! i really don't get that, but i don't object! maybe that's God's way for getting me to be able to start that ministry for sanctus real and all the other Christian bands i was talking about earlier last year. :))) man, i sure do want to meet his little boys. ben and nate are sooooooooo adorable. so are claire and emmy, even though the girls are matt hammitt's, not mark graalman's, lol. i think i want to meet them more.

i leave for my new school at around 4 o'clock in the morning on sunday, so this is probably my last post on the east coast. the next time, it'll be in the middle of the midwest, in the middle of nowhere. *sigh*. i'm kind of looking forward to it, but i'm also afraid of some things.

i decided to change my major. did i tell you guys that, too? i changed it to psychology. i pretty much hate the idea of going to school for about seven more years, just so i can help the next generation to believe in marriage, and for this generation to fall in love with God's plan. but i really do believe in it, and i believe it is something God really called me to. other things are just my interests, but i think, if i can't write stories and help people fix their marriages, and meet sanctus real and preach all over america and change the next generation... if i can't do that, i think i will die.

well, i'm not feeling to great (health-wise), and i am really tired. i'm going to do my Bible study and call it a night. sweet dreams, internetdom. :)

till later,
ash the dreamer...

on a mission...

lately, i have felt this deep calling, and even if you don't care, or you don't know what i am talking about, or you think this is stupid, i know this is a calling of God, it is my dream, and someday, it WILL come true. and i just have to say it somewhere, somehow, how incredibly BUILT FOR ME this mission is.

last fall (september to be exact), i went to my first Christian rock concert. it was amazing!!!!! :))))) anyway, it was to see my favorite band, which you probably know by now if you read any of my other blogs. :) anyway, so i went and i enjoyed myself so much. but, the thing is, while i was there, there was this really cool speaker. his name was sammy adiyibei (not sure of the spelling). so he spoke just before sanctus real came out, and i've been thinking a lot about that lately. about what it would be like, traveling with a Christian band, listening to them sing and talk about Jesus every night, and watching these kids be impacted by Christian ministry, and then, having the honor of being a part of that, to impact kids lives and to have the incredible honor to speak to a generation every night, and pour out Jesus' love for them... it's just something i feel like God has called me to do, and i can't wait to be a part of that. i just don't know how to get there. maybe soon. God, show me how!!!

the thing is... the first year i went to college, i went in as a theology student, because, for one, i LOVE youth, and i love ministry. even though i don't have much experience speaking publicly, i love the experiences i've had, and i LOVE connecting with people one-on-one. secondly, i LOVE Christian music. LOVE IT! like, you don't even know. my family thinks i'm crazy, cuz i can't stop playing it. and for like, the past half a year, i've been dying to meet sanctus real (even though that probably has nothing to do with it).

i don't know how to explain it... it's like... you know who you are sometimes, and you know God has this incredible plan for you, and then He shows it to you, if only just a little bit, and you're like, WELL, DUH!!!! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? and that's kinda how i feel... except for one addition... "when can i start?"

*sigh* i hate it that it takes me so long to be prepared by God to do the things He has called me to do. well... until later... keep chasing Jesus. :)

the concert...

okay... so finally... here's the concert story i promised... :)

so i after i posted the blog about how i was so excited about going to the concert, i woke up my dad (he was napping! i couldn't believe it...), and i borrowed $20 from my sister so i could buy a sanctus real shirt. :) she was so gracious. i love my little sisters. anyways... we went out to the car and my dad drove for FOREVER!!!!!!!!! it didn't seem like we would ever get there! and my dad went there a different way from the directions i got from mapquest, so i was kinda freaking out, but then it was okay, cuz we got there, and i remembered this church we had gone to for this other event, so i was okay.

we ate at burger king before going to the meet-and-greet, and it was pretty much not even worth it, cuz i was basically bouncing off the walls... i was SOOOOOOOOOOOO excited, but also really nervous about meeting the band. my dad just laughed at me.

anyway, then we finished and went to the church. it was huge!!!!! the parking lot was almost 10 times the size of our church's parking lot, and i always thought we had a pretty big parking lot. the church was huge, too. we went inside, and as soon as we did, this man was yelling out that if people had orange tickets to go on through, so i was like, "woohoo!" but i was also really nervous because i knew it was for the meet-and-greet. i didn't know what to expect, but i didn't want to sound like a raving idiot, i knew that for sure. it turned out that there were so many people at the meet and greet that they just had sanctus real answer a few questions and sign some autographs before going back to get ready for the show. i was going to ask them a question, but i was too nervous, and other people asked questions, so i don't feel too bad about that.

then it was time for the show, and the first band, vota, came out. they were okay; i don't really like most of their music, but i always liked two of their songs--they only played one that i like. then there was a little break, and tenth avenue north came out. they are pretty cool... i love their music, but it just seemed like they played their music and got off stage; i didn't really feel that much of a connection, but maybe that's because i wasn't up at the stage. but i got a few cool videos of them.

then sammy a., the speaker, came out. he was pretty powerful. he talked to you one-on-one almost, but it was powerful, like one of those powerhouse preachers. he talked about how all of us in the room were brought there for a specific purpose, and God knew what that was, and he talked about how we were all a part of the top 1% of the world, because we had change in our pockets, and we weren't starving, and a bunch of other things. and then he talked about how one person could change the world, especially through mocha club, and i was like, "oh, yeah!!!!!!!!" i was so psyched to change the world again... i wanted to help out so bad, to be a part of something greater, to help, to make a change... i was so pumped.

then sanctus real came out... oh, boy!!!!! this was pretty much the best part, although sammy a. was pretty incredible, too. i went up in front of the stage for that, and i took my camera (which finally decided to cooperate and let me take pictures and video... my batteries are so retarded...) with me.

sanctus real is so awesome live. they just connected with the people so much... i always thought their music was awesome, and that they were pretty cool guys, but seeing them live... it was almost as if they were personally glad each and every one of us were there to share them rocking out, and they wanted to show us that. i was standing on the right side of the stage, facing the stage, so i was pretty close to the guitarist, chris rohman. i always wanted to meet matt (the lead singer) and mark (the drummer), and i kinda wanted to meet chris, but after watching chris live--he connected with the people so well. he kept giving away his picks, and i think he winked at me once, which is kinda cool. :)

and there was this one girl, she was just leaning against the stage, her head in her hands, looking a little depressed, and chris noticed her, and for a moment, he rested his chin on his hand like she was doing and smiled. she stood up self-consciously and smiled slightly. then he threw her his pick... i dunno how to explain it... they just really love people, it seems like. and matt kept giving people hi-fives as he sang, and he would take cameras/video cameras from the fans and give them these great videos of mark playing the drums and dan and pete and chris, and himself, too. i kinda wish i was closer to him, so maybe he woulda taken a video for me. oh, well. maybe next time. cuz there will be a next time. :)

after the concert, i went straight to the wordfm's booth, cuz my favorite radio station was there, and they are collecting money for this charity, cents for hope, that's helping orphans (i think) in honduras. so i had a sandwich bag, full of pennies ($3.47 worth)... it was heavy, btw... and i dropped it off. then i went and bought a tee-shirt at the sanctus real booth. i had gone online earlier to see which shirts they had, and i found one that had that song that changed my life and helped to start pulling me out of depression--it's called "whatever you're doing (something heavenly)"--so i bought that one. i waited in a long line to get sanctus real to sign it, but they did, and they also took a picture with me... yay!!!!!!!!! i also got to tell matt that i was so grateful for "whatever you're doing", because of how it pulled him out of depression, and a smile lit up his face, and he was so genuine, and he was like, "wow... thank you for telling me that... that means a lot!" and i was just like, :]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so there's the concert... maybe i'll try to upload videos and pictures later. i should get ready for work. :)

FALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay... so dan gartley is 100% correct on this one... fall is officially here, the leaves are starting to turn, and i am PSYCHED!!!!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!!! okay, i know i'm not the only who is completely in love with fall, but it's is like, the coolest part of the whole year--well, fall and all the way till spring semester starts. i mean... think about it... leaves turning colors, wearing hoodies and jeans, getting ready for Christmas, hot cocoa and hot apple cider, the newness of a new school year, THE COOLEST CONCERT OF ALL TIME (yeah, that's right... i'm talking about the Sanctus Real concert... more details to come in a later blog... :]...), buying Christmas presents, being with family... WOW, i'm excited!!!!!!!

hope y'all enjoy this fall as much as i'm planning on it... :)

later,
ash

sanctus real...

hey, everybody!!!!!!!!!!

sorry i haven't posted anything in a REALLY long time. yeah... i didn't even tell you about public school... wow... the thing is, i don't really write if i don't feel like it would be God speaking through me, so that's pretty much why i haven't said anything. that, and i hate public school too much. :)

but that's not why i'm blogging today... today... oh, yeah, i'm like SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) about today, cuz i'm going to this concert... never been to a Christian rock concert before, and this is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE BAND IN THE WHOLE WORLD... i'm leaving in an hour or two, and we're driving about an hour to see Sanctus Real. i'm really excited, not just for the concert, cuz one of my other favorite bands, Tenth Avenue North, is gonna be there, and this pretty cool speaker, and this other band... AND!!!!!!!!!! and, i'm going to this meet-and-greet... i am so psyched. to hear Sanctus Real live, and to meet them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEP!!!!!!!!!!! :) i know... i'm terribly over dramatic.

i guess it's because i haven't been so excited about doing something for so long, and i've really wanted to meet this band for the longest time, and i've been waiting for this day for a REALLY long time. not only that... when i was depressed for the past year, something about Sanctus Real's music helped me remain committed to God in the midst of it all. i remember this one song... it totally destroyed my reserve and any fight i had left, and i was just completely empty, trying to figure out how what Matt Hammitt was singing could be true. i didn't get it.... the line went something like this: "Whatever You're doing inside of me / it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace / and its hard to surrender to what i can't see / but i'm giving in to something heavenly." i totally understood the feeling of chaos in my life--depression is UTTER CHAOS--but i really didn't feel ANY peace at all. i felt like calling this great spiritual counselor of mine a liar, cuz i really didn't understand it. but then as i sat there on my porch, just me and God and the voice of Matt Hammitt, i found healing. every time i didn't think i would make it.

and today i did. and i'm this close |------| to being healed from depression, and just to meet someone that instrumental in helping me pull out of depression, through the grace of God... i just really want to meet that person, and to thank them for what they did cuz of Jesus.

well, i should study a little more for my exam tomorrow before i leave. that, and get ready. :) i'll let you know how it went. i promise. and there'll probably be more on ucky public school, too. :)

till then,
ash

top 10 things

hello, everybody... :)

tomorrow, i start school again... i feel like i'm so behind everybody else! anywho, tomorrow i'll probably have some stories to tell, but, for today, i feel like doing something i saw a bunch of other people doing on the internet--posting a "top 10 favorites" list--on myspace, their blog, whatever. so i'm gonna do it, too.

10. what women want





























9. working at taco bell
















8. 2008 beijing olympics


































7. two weeks notice































6. laughing















5. getting ready for school
















4. writing novels--especially about beautiful characters














3. Sanctus Real

















2. the mikucki brothers (i feel inclined to say
that these two boys aren't the mikucki brothers...
at least, not the ones i'm talking about. :) i just
don't have a picture of joe and geoffrey... :])

























1. God's love and mercy.















that's all, folks. i wanna watch a movie before i go to bed. toodles... :P

until later,
ash

peace

i feel at peace tonight. if you knew what was going on in my life, you would understand how great of a statement that is... and a lot has been going on... my computer is spasming (well, that's my word for it... i'm not sure what's wrong, and neither does my techno-savvy dad), i have practically no money to return to my dream college, and i have so much on my plate that i can't even try to reach for all the dreams in my heart... but tonight, i am at peace.

i recently (last weekend) began to tithe again. if you don't know, that is when you take 10 percent of all your income, and you give it to Jesus through a church. it generally goes to support the church's pastor (which it does in my church), but it is something i really believe in. anyway, it's not that i stopped tithing... it's that i didn't know how to get my tithe from my newly opened checking account to the tithe at my new church at college... and, well, there was a lot of tithing to do. i'm pretty popular at my church... well, either that, or i don't know what, but i got a LOT of money for my high school graduation. :) then my parents gave me some spending money over the past school year, and i didn't pay tithe on ANY of it, so there goes my savings for college! and i wasn't even thinking about how this was going to deplete half of my college savings... i was just thinking about how i wanted to give back to Jesus again, and, well, He would have to take care of my school bill, because i was going to put Him first in this thing, no other way about it. i don't regret the decision at all, but now that i may have to spend HUNDREDS of dollars on my computer, which i NEED for college... it isn't as easy to sleep at night. :*(

there's this song that is pretty popular on Christian radio right now, by my favorite band of all time, Sanctus Real. it's called "whatever you're doing (something heavenly)". it's not my favorite song to dance and sing at the top of my lungs to, but when the hard times come, it's definitely something that reminds me of Jesus and gives me peace. anyway, this is the chorus:

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly...

i don't know completely what i'm trying to say tonight. maybe... maybe it's just that things don't have to be okay... they just have to be in God's hands. because... because Jesus gives peace, and that's all i need.

until next time,
ash