27 March 2009

Ruts and Revolutions

Hello! I am twenty one years, one week, 18 hours, and 48 minutes old now. :) I might actually have something to say on this weekly Friday blog! :) Shocking, I know.

Nothing has really changed in my life... I still have humongous amounts of psychology assignments, projects, tests, and quizzes due every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I still miss Pennsylvania enormously, and I still am in love with orange juice (yes, it's true...), and I still want to pray with Sanctus Real and Addison Road more than almost anything else... But... my heart has changed.

I had been in a rut lately. I don't like to talk about ruts, because that means I let myself get into a rut. And if I let myself get into a rut, well, then, the dreamer inside of me that begs to live life to its fullest every day has sorely been lacking in making the dreams come true! Anyway, so, there is just something about this school I go to that makes me get into ruts like that. :*( It's very sad. Which is why I will probably go to school in Pennsylvania next year! (That makes me very excited. I miss my beautiful state, and all the beautiful people in it that I love so dearly.)

Anyway, back to the rut. My biggest dream (no matter what else I say, this really is my biggest dream) is to have a purpose, and I want my purpose to impact the world dynamically for Jesus. To strive for a goal, and, at the end of my life, look back and know that my life wasn't just going to kindergarten, and then elementary school, and then middle school, and then high school, and then college, and then getting married, and having the socially expected two children (I want tons more, and I want to adopt, like, five), go to work every day, wear myself thin and, when I'm old and graying, wonder what it all was for. There is a greater purpose, and I. WILL. LIVE. IT!!!!!!!! I have always felt that way. :)

At the beginning of this week (and during most of spring break), I was feeling that my life wasn't leading anywhere, and, no matter what field I went into, I was still going to be in that rut, and my life wasn't worth anything, and it wasn't pursuing any purpose. This was my rut.

I hate ruts.

Anyway, so I was praying a lot during this week, trying to pray myself out of my rut (I do that a lot... and it usually works! Imagin that!)), and not only did it bring me closer to God, but in this moment, I feel the purpose and passion returning. I love it that I serve a God that has known my heart before it was even created, and I love it that He made my heart to pump and pulse for a purpose, and that He created that purpose, just to satisfy those desires! I love it that I'm not an ordinary person, that I can--and do--live above the norm, and that I don't have to be another statistic. I can single-handedly begin the revolution for love and people's hearts, because Jesus has put that passion in me, and He gives me power because the Holy Spirit is upon us... It takes my breath away that God gives me this passion and this pursuit, just so I can desire and chase His crazy-thought-out dream for me, and then I live it, and it is perfectly how God Almighty meant for it to be!

One day, down the future after I've been trained by Almighty God to the point where I am ready to go out and change the world in a big way, I will live my dreams, and I will know that this dream was headier and more magnificent than I could have ever imagined. :)))))))))))) Oh, wow, how I long for that day! And the greatest part is, I won't even know it, because I'll be preaching and hugging kids and praying with teens and babysitting for overstressed single moms, and in the middle of it, when I can take a breath and look around me, I just might see the dream I had back when I was in high school and college, and realize that what I do to live this love revolution, it is good. And not only is it good, it is very good. But it's never going to be enough. I can never be too good, because the world will always need to be changed.

And, in the meantime, I can change the world on a small level. Watch Hogan's Heroes with my two little sisters. Hug Laney and eat with her at potluck at church. Greet people as they come to church. Pray for my momma when she has a hard day. Listen to Myla and Ashley when they don't know what to do. That kind of thing. And that's always incredibly fun, too!

While I can't do everything, I can make my mark on history, and I refuse to not be one of those people that the world looks at, and says, "Wow, what kind of young person is that? She isn't an ordinary person."

And they'll be right. Because I'm not just one of the hundreds of Ashleys. I'm Ash. The Dreamer. And I'm going to change the world! :))))))))))

Till next Friday,

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