20 May 2011


I kinda don't want to talk about this.

(Does that mean I shouldn't?) But I need to get this out there--to admit it, to make it real.

I have NO clue what I'm going to do with my life.

I'm trying oh-so-hard not to complain about this, but sometimes life is just so confusing. And after my last blog post, I feel even worse about this. But here we go.

I think I'm getting my depression/OCD back. Not that it ever TRULY left, but it's been back with a vengeance these past two weeks (don't worry, I have my health insurance, so I'm planning to make an appointment to see a counselor as soon as possible!), and that just clouds everything. I love my major, don't get me wrong--I think I'm positively CALLED to be a writer. One day it'll happen. And I love being a professional writing major. Lovelovelove it. I was completely reassured that this is the place I'm supposed to be when I had to do some homework this afternoon. (Yeah, how's that for a sign?)

But then I started my internship on Monday... and I kinda don't think I'd survive a week at it if I was getting paid to do it. Now... I stick with it, b/c I need the credit, and the experience, but I don't think I could ever do this after I graduate. Not unless it's vastly different. And you know, I thought God was calling me to this. If it's a calling, something I'm MEANT to do, then why am I so confused, so pained, over this? That's not normal, is it? And I mean, I keep getting these thoughts that this sort of future that I was thinking I was heading towards--it's not really God's future for me. I mean, not the newsletter editing/writing/etc. thing. I love designing them, but I don't think I was meant to do this.

I just keep coming back to the idea that I was meant to help people. I think I was meant to help people and write novels. And adopt kids. lol. But if I can't get published RIGHT after I get out of college (which, at the rate I'm going, that will never happen!), I don't see how helping people is going to sustain me financially. How do you bake cookies for sick people and help single moms and go door-to-door praying for people and making lonely people smile and buy groceries for a family who can't afford it and give jobs to those who have lost them in this economy... THAT'S what I feel called to do, I think, but how do you sustain yourself, keep a living, doing that? I feel like I wasn't meant to fit into this world, to pay taxes and to go along with the financial format this world runs in. If my depression was gone today, and I didn't have to worry about anything, seriously, I think I would spend ALL my time writing novels and helping people with the little stuff.

I just don't know how to turn that into an income. Can you create a nonprofit ministry that has donors or something? I don't know the slightest thing about starting a ministry like that. I don't know. So I'm left with a million questions, and my mom keeps telling me, "Oh, Ashley, I told you... you have to go into writing... God has given you a gift, and you have to use it!" Yeah, I WANT to use my gift for Him, more than anything else in the world, but I truly don't believe Jesus WANTS me to be a journalist or a newsletter editor or anything like that! MAYBE a book editor or MAYBE a magazine writer, but really? No. I think Jesus wants me to help people. I've thought about being a missionary... but I don't know. So I'd appreciate prayers. Hopefully I can get some of this figured out in counseling, too.

I guess what I REALLY want to say out of all of this (besides the relief at just being able to share this with anybody--even if it's just an internetdom that doesn't see this) is that IT'S OKAY to not know what you're doing. I don't know. And I'm terrified about what will happen by New Years Day 2012. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but I am trying to trust that God knows where it's all going. I am going to have to start sending out resumes and job applications in the next couple of months... and I just pray that by the end of the summer, I can have this all figured out. But the main point? Jesus is with me. Jesus is taking care of me. And Jesus has my future in His hands. I pray that I can pray more about this, that I can learn more about God's plans, because that's all I really want to do.

But it's okay not to have the answers. I wish I could believe that more. It's okay to not be perfect. Jesus' perfection covers my imperfection, and I believe He'll help me figure it all out one day. And that gives me true hope. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Hopeful?) Dreamer

17 May 2011

Ohhhh, please.....

I really hope someone sees this and remembers to pray for me. :*(

My dad just told me tonight at supper that I no longer have insurance under his plan. I'm 23, which I guess means that parents' insurance no longer covers you? I don't know. But my depression/OCD is coming back with a vengeance, and I don't even know what to do. I was about to make an appointment to see a psychologist, to hopefully get antidepressants, and to get WELL. But now... now I don't know what to do. And I just can't stop crying.

I feel so lost.

Ash the (Not-So-Much) Dreamer