26 February 2010

These Things Take Time

Sorry this quality isn't the best, but I positively ADORE this song right now!!!! :)

Do you know why I love this song?

I love it so very much because it says the most perfect thing. To me, right now, anyway.

I have so many questions, so many raging injustices that I can't believe haven't been fixed, so many hurts, and I am the kind of person that wants things fixed IMMEDIATELY. I get a D+ on my science mid-semester grade? I want to do a million extra credit assignments to get it back up to an "A" IMMEDIATELY. I can't wait. I have a dream to help somebody? Who cares if it's 1:30 in the morning! I want to help them NOW!!!! haha. That's just how I'm wired. So it's really hard for me to live patiently.

I was so outraged this week when I heard that people were rescuing a killer whale that KILLED THREE PEOPLE. And apparently my mom's coworker/friend thought it was no big deal that the killer whale killed THREE HUMANS, but she was about to have a cow at the thought of putting the beast down! And apparently, she values the life of one animal above people, above even orphans or children suffering under the abuse of their crazed parents... I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. And so I go to do my Bible study, and I pray, and I'm like, "God, FIX THAT NOW!!!!" And a few sheepish seconds later, I add a meek, humble, "Please..."

My emotions are depleted when I think of the YEARS I have spent trying to get out of depression and OCD, and I turn to Jesus and say, with tears in my eyes, "Jesus, PLEASE, heal me NOW!!!!"

When I think of this lady I know, who is getting a divorce, and how her life with her husband and her two adorable little girls is going to be RIPPED apart, and how she is going to have to get a job, and how her little girls (for the sake of privacy, I'll call them Ella and Genevieve) are hardly ever going to see their daddy anymore... Ella is three--almost four! I'm pretty sure she can understand a little of it, anyway, and this is going to crush her. And Genevieve? Genevieve is about 8 months old. She never even got to see the good side of her daddy. It makes me sick. And my friend--I'll call her Anna--acts like nothing is going on. I can understand that she doesn't want to share and if she just wants to mourn inside of herself, for what she is losing, but it sounds like she doesn't even care that she is losing her husband. And it makes me sick. And I'm like, "Jesus, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE do something!!!!"

And today I found out someone DIED at the Olympics during an event for the Luge (Louge? Can you tell I don't watch the Olympics? haha), and he flew over the rail, and, going 90-some miles an hour, he flew into a metal pole and died, instantly, I guess. I almost started crying at my dinner table. And just thinking about it now, I'm like, "Jesus, why aren't you doing anything?!"

And this week, my one friend who I will call Krista... she has a sweet little girl who is seven who I'll call Hazel. She had twins in December--Claire and Zavier--who are just as adorable. She and her amazing hubby, Danny, were in the process of adopting FOUR children. They had already finished the paperwork for the two one-year-old twin little boys--Caleb and Hudson--and they were officially Krista's and Danny's. :) And they were in the process of adopting two precious little girls, Liliana (about three months old), and her big sister, Ari... I was so excited for this amazing family, because I could only IMAGINE growing up in such an amazingly big, loving, sweet Christian family. Caleb's and Hudson's birth family have been saying they want the boys back, though, and they were so tired from fighting over it that they decided that right now they just can't take it, emotionally, adopting ANY of them. So Caleb and Hudson are going back to their birth family (who it sounds like will take good care of them, even though they gave the boys up for adoption at the beginning), and Krista's friend is adopting Liliana and Ari. And Krista is so torn on the inside and she came to me so sad about it all, and I am sickened that these sorts of things actually HAPPEN to children. :/ And I was like, "JESUS WHY is this happening?! DO something!!!!!"

And all these things happen, and these are just a few examples I know of, and I don't understand it. But when I hear this song, I don't hear that Jesus isn't doing anything, but that if I wait on Jesus, everything will be perfect one day.

And today, that's what I need to hear. :)

Anyway, so happy weekend!


Till next time,
Ash the (Weary) Dreamer

19 February 2010

Top 10 Places...


happy friday, everyone! :)

i love blogging fridays. :) not sure why, they just feel so magical. :)

that, and the oh-so-awesome Christmas lights still dancing around my bedroom in the dark of night. there's something so magical about this atmosphere that i don't understand, but i love it oh-so-much!

anyway, hello.

i got a new song for free today, and i'm pretty excited about it. :) it's called "eyes of a rescue", by a band called chasen. they're really awesome. i think so, anyway. :)

i'm not sure why, but i'm in a traveling, seeing-the-whole-world sort of mood tonight, so i figured i would post my top ten favorite places that i want to see before i die. :)

10. Spain

I'm not exactly sure why I want to see Spain, haha... It just feels like it has this smokey, European awesome-ness. I don't even know Spanish ("casa", "hijo/hija", and "abuelo" are pretty much the extent of my Spanish awesomeness, lol), but I always thought it would be a very awesome place to visit. I think I might want to see Barcelona the most, so that's what this picture is of. :)

09. Paris, France

I'm not exactly why in the world Paris is so far down on my list today! I really want to see it, especially after Amelie talks about it all the time! :) And I found out I have a tiny bit of French in me, and I adore pretty much EVERYTHING French, and I soooooooooooo want to learn French more than any other language... but alas, it is farther down. Probably because of the horror stories people tell me about it, which makes me mad, because I want to see Paris sooooooooooooooo bad!!!! :*(

08. Oregon/Washington, USA

I really want to see Oregon and Washington, after my aunt and uncle went there about a year ago... I think the nature is so beautiful there! :) And I want to see all the monstrous trees! :)

07. Toledo, Ohio

I want to see Toledo, Ohio, REALLY bad, too! I don't even know why, really. haha. I guess it's because that's where my favorite band is from, and I just want to see what it's like. And driving through Ohio, it's so beautiful there. :) That, and I set quite a few of my stories in Toledo, so it doesn't seem fair that I write about Toledo without ever being there! And it's so close--less than 12 hours away by car, I think... :/

06. Sofia, Bulgaria

I don't even know why, but I really want to see Sofia, Bulgaria! Haha, probably because I love the name Sofia so much, and I think it's so completely awesome that there's a town called Sofia. :) Otherwise, I have no clue why I would want to see it. And I think that after I got there, I might not like it as much, but, oh, well. haha.

05. Budapest, Hungary

I am not sure why I want to see Budapest, either! haha. But after I saw this picture, I want to go even more! :) It looks really pretty there. :) I guess I just thought that Budapest and Belfast were two of the very coolest names for a city. I've loved the idea of seeing those two cities for a very long time--since I was in elementary school, haha!

04. Wales

I quite want to see Wales, too. Mainly because my parents used to say I had quite a bit of Welsh in me. :) So I really want to see what it looks like there. :)

03. Nova Scotia and Quebec, Canada

I'm not exactly sure why I want to go to Nova Scotia and Quebec--well, Quebec because of the French association, but I want to go to Nova Scotia more. I think it's because I thought that Nova Scotia was the coolest name for a province/state ever! haha. And when my aunt and uncle went and came back with such awesome stories, I want to go see it so bad! :)))))

02. Scotland

I'm not exactly sure why I want to see Scotland so bad tonight! haha. But I do want to see it quite a bit. Which could be due to my complete love for the name Eilidh (pronounced like AY-lee), which is Scottish, and that my uncle is Scottish and plays the bagpipes (hehe!), and that I read an awesome series of books placed in Scotland, and that I have an awesome cyber-friend originally from Scotland, too. hehe. :) But usually, I don't have a burning desire to go to Scotland this bad, haha.

1. Pragueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

I don't know why, but I am completely IN LOVE with the idea of going to see Prague, Czech Republic. I want to see it so utterly bad! :) I want to see St. Stephan's (Stephen's?) Cathedral and Charles Bridge, especially... that's all I had really heard of in Prague, but after looking a bit online, there are so many things I would love to see there! The Jewish Quarter (and the Jewish Museum!) being among the most primary examples. :) I just think it's a really awesome city. :)

Haha, so that's my top ten. I also really want to see Russia (especially Moscow and St. Petersburg!), England/London, Switzerland, Vienna, Estonia (for some reason, I just love the name of their country!), Denmark, Greece, Italy, Australia, at least one country in North Africa, New Zealand, Alaska, Wyoming and Montana, Texas, Germany (especially since most of my family came from there), Luxembourg (just because it's so much fun to say!!!! ahahahaha), Israel (because of my Christian roots), and MAYBE Japan (because my cousin was a missionary there for two years, and he completely loved it... so I just want to see why he loved it so much!). :) Hehe, see? I'm obsessed!


Anyway, so what are yours?

Till next time,
Ash the (Restless) Dreamer

12 February 2010

Love Is...

You know, for the longest time, my "dream blog" was to write this blog with this list of what love is. Like, "love is watching dora the explorer with your niece when she's sick and can't sleep... love is washing the dishes when your momma is to weary to... love is leaving your sister alone when she threatens to rip your head off..." haha.

I thought of trying to actually write that blog tonight, but it always comes out wrong. I don't know why.

That, and all I can think of is this one thought:

Love is loving an orphan enough to give them a home and a mommy.

I don't know how passionate you are about orphans, but besides fulfilling Jesus' will for my life and being a missionary for at least a while, adopting orphans is pretty much the highest thing on my list of things that need to be done. :)

And I dunno--lately, I have just fallen in love with orphans everywhere more than ever before. (Is it totally weird to fall in love with children I've never met before?!!) I just googled "European orphans" (because I would love to adopt from either Europe or domestically here in America), and my heart completely melted.

I mean, I just don't understand it. Half the time it makes me sick; the other half it makes me want to weep or be filled with anger. I don't understand how so many MILLIONS of children can be without a mommy and a daddy. I don't understand why people do not want to be the mommy and daddy for these children. I don't understand why the price of adoption is so high. I don't understand why everyone I talk to about adoption tries to keep me from adopting when I am actually old enough and mature enough to handle it. I don't understand why parents CHOOSE to NOT choose their children. They're so beautiful and lovely--WHY do they do that? I don't understand it.

I can't wait until the moment when I get to start the process of adopting my own future children... I don't know where they are, and I don't know how old they are, and I don't know what nation they call home right now, and I don't know the color of their hair or their eyes or if their smile is crooked or if their teeth are perfectly straight or if they love stories like I do or science like my mommy does... I know only one thing about them: that I love them dearly, and that I can't wait to meet them.

So tonight, there are a LOT of things about love that I DON'T know.

But tonight, this is what I know about love. Love is a choice. Love is beautiful. Love is looking into the expectant and lonely eyes of an orphan and crying tears of joy. Love is choosing to leave depression and OCD in the dust for the hope and joy and future of my children. Love is dreaming. Love is beating the odds.

And love is triumph.

One day, I will have my adopted children, and I will tell you ALL about my beautiful children and how they became my children, and I can promise you that they will all be named utterly GORGEOUS names (hehe!), and they will be loved so incredibly much.

Till next time,
Ash the (Inspired) Dreamer

11 February 2010

Will You Be My Valentine?



Valentine's Day was never my big thing. I never saw the point in giving valentines cards, because nobody really wanted to give them to me in elementary school, and I didn't have an abundance of friends to ask if they would be my valentine.

That, and my parents wouldn't let me date until I was sixteen, so I didn't even try to care about it.

Nearly six years after the day I was officially allowed to date, and I still haven't had one, so I guess I just don't see the hype.

I love the idea of falling in love and having a special someone. :) But I'm okay if I don't.

So dear readers of my blog, even if you're completely in love and about to get married, or if you're about to be wallowing in your own self pity, will you be my treasured friend on February 14? I'll make you smile and we will laugh and be happy to be alive, and it will be a good day. :)

Life hasn't felt very good lately, I have to admit.

I know I told you to keep me joyful, and I am joyful, but sometimes life doesn't feel that way. Does that make any sense?

I just got an email from a dear friend. She said that tonight there was a shoot out in her old high school. Officials think it's gang-related. That makes me so sad.

Depression and OCD have tried to ruin my life, and that makes me very confused and sad and mad and angry and weary.

My best friend in the whole world (besides Jesus), my little sister, Becca, isn't here. If I asked her to be my valentine, I think she would laugh at me and say I was ridiculous. :) I love my little sister, haha. And it makes me sad that she's not here right now.

Another friend of mine--one of her best friends and former neighbors suddenly died last week, without any rhyme or reason, just keeled over and died, leaving behind her loving husband and two children. That makes me sad.

My friend's husband lost his job recently, and they are left trying to care for SEVEN children, four of which are either adopted or are being adopted right now, two of which are in the hospital because their parents didn't know how to take care of them before they gave them up for adoption.

I just saw a video about adoption tonight, and it positively made me quiver on the inside. I wanted to go raid every orphanage in the whole world and say, "Dearies, come live with me... I will show you love and be your mommy." That made me really sad.

And I think of churches that are closing, and wives that are being abused, and soldiers that are dying without the respect of their nations, and girls who are raped and couples who are getting divorced for no reason other than because they are bored with their marriages and how God is disrespected and love is not honored and people commit suicide and life has become weary for some people, and it makes me really sad.

It doesn't seem like all this should be happening only days from the day that the whole world recognizes as a day of love and joy. I never really understood the hype for Valentine's day, but now I think we need it, even if it's just to see a bit of hope and joy again.

So, today, I want Someone who can actually do something about the pain in this world and the pain in my heart. This year, I want JESUS to be my Valentine, because I KNOW He can take my pain and turn it to joy. :)

So, happy valentine's day, friend. :) And wherever you are, may you find love and joy and hope. :)

Until next time,
Ash the (Loved) Dreamer

07 February 2010


hahahaha... i just had to post this!

i was watching last year's superbowl commercials on hulu earlier last week, and i came across this.

till next time,
ash the (amused) dreamer

05 February 2010


I positively LOVE my grandmother.

She's so silly and adorable.

My mom says that children don't think that their moms are adorable, so she doesn't see it. But I think both my grandmother AND my mom are adorable, sooooo... I'm not sure what that means. Haha.

I don't talk about my Grandma very much... I'm not sure why. She is this little sweet lady in her mid-to-late eighties. She does soooo much for my family. She makes these AMAZING sweet rolls for every Sabbath morning. She does all my laundry. She loves Jesus. And she's adorable.


Well, today... today is the day my family celebrates time with Jesus. From sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. We have this card game called "Skip Bo", but on Sabbath we play "Bible Skip Bo". The only difference is when you lay down a Skip Bo on Sabbath, you have to say a Bible verse. It's actually quite challenging. Haha.

But my grandma and I played two games, just the two of us.

I love spending time with my grandmother. She's so sweet and wise and strong and hilarious. She laughed at me when all I got were 4 cards (cards with the number 4 on them), and I laughed at her when I won both games. :))))))

I don't know how to explain my time with her--just that I love it so much. It is like being completely safe and free. After nearly bursting into tears in my Creative Writing class this afternoon (the stupid professor tried to take me down memory lane through every single day that I was depressed. Stupid man should know better than to make me do that in the middle of a class of about 25 total strangers!), I really needed that. It made me feel safe and free and whole again.

I'm so glad that Jesus is here to give us just what we need, just when we need it. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Refreshed) Dreamer