The Voyage of Beliefs (FM Static)

I have 2 brothers and a sister, and a mother,
And a father who taught us that we should
All love one another,
We go to church on Sunday,
In a little green hyundai,
Have some grape juice and crackers,
Then we start again on Monday

And it's all fine, and it's all well,
I really want to find what I believe for myself,
'Cause when you're gone,
And I'm still here,
I won't have you to tell me that I should be there

I'm tired of making excuses(oh oh oh),
Need to decide for myself...

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
When I'm on my way to You,
What if I need You? Who do I call?
How do I know I'll get through?
Because I don't wanna ride the fence anymore.
I wanna stand up, and shout it,
And let it be known

I have 2 fathers, and a sister and a brother,
And a mother who taught us that we should
All do unto others,
My homeroom teacher, always talks about her preacher
And she says she talks to God,
But I don't know if I believe her

And it's all fine, and it's all well,
I really want to find what I believe for myself,
'Cause when you're gone,
And I'm still here,
I won't have you to tell me that I should be there

I'm tired of making excuses(oh oh oh),
Need to decide for myself...

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
When I'm on my way to You,
What if I need You? Who do I call?
How do I know I'll get through?
Because I don't wanna ride the fence anymore.
I wanna stand up, and shout it,
And let it be known

And you can tell me,
That I can't make a difference 'cause I'm just one,
But one is all it takes to start it
And you can tell me,
That I can't change the world,
Because I'm too young,
But I won't stand here and be your target
And you can push me,
And try to knock me down, but I won't listen,
'Cause I've got nothing left to lose and,
You can hate me, for everything I'm not,
But it won't change this,
'Cause now that I'm here, I'm not moving

I'm tired of making excuses(oh oh oh),
Need to decide for myself...

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
When I'm on my way to You,
What if I need You? Who do I call?
How do I know I'll get through?
Because I don't wanna ride the fence anymore.
I wanna stand up, and shout it,
And let it be known

These are just the lyrics for a song that's really been makin' me think tonight. Thought I'd share. :) You can hear the song on myspace.com/fmstatic

ash the (musical) dreamer

on this day...

today is my little sister's birthday. it seems so strange not to celebrate it. :*( every year, we bring out the watermelon and the ice cream cake and her favorite meals and we go shopping for her favorite things, and my mom worries if the clothes she bought won't be fashionable enough... and i just laugh at it all.

but this year, spunky, lively, happy, thoughtful, smart, beautiful, lovely rebecca eileen richards is not with me. :*( everyone says we all have to grow up at one point, and i know it's true. but in many ways, becca has been my best friend and my greatest ally throughout my whole life. and on this day that i most want to be with her... we are miles away, and she's lonely. :*( it's enough to make me cry.

true, the house is quieter this summer (she's working at a summer camp halfway across the state, being a lifeguard, helping in the kitchen, and teaching gymnastics), but i ache for her spunky livelihood. :*( she's my sister, but she's so much more than that.

so today, don't take advantage of those relationships you have. i never imagined that i would have to worry about losing becca. i figured we would always be with each other and have each other. i knew we had rough patches sometimes, but we always worked through them. i took advantage of becca. :*( i never stopped to think that there would be a day that she wouldn't be with me. and now i don't know how to adjust for the rest of my life, the rest of my life, where becca and i will hardly live under the same roof ever again. :*( don't underappreciate the relationships you have. they are precious. don't forget to hug your mom even when you think you hate her, or to listen to your dad, even when his advice makes you want to scream. indulge your grandmother. appreciate your friends. you never know if they'll be gone.

becca's not really gone... i mean, i was texting her all night, and she'll be back in a month or two... but any one of our loved ones could be gone forever, in an instant. so don't take them for granted. appreciate them. love them. please.

so you don't end up crying while you're blogging in the dark on a friday evening.

:)

So here's to you, becca. may we never forget. if you ever read this, just know that as your big sister, i am CRAZY about you, and if you ever drop off the face of this earth, i will hunt you down until i see your face again. cuz i love you. like crazy. :)

that's all i have to say tonight.
Happy Sabbath!!!!

till the next time,
ash the (nostalgic) dreamer

the words we choose...

Today, I got into what felt like a pretty ugly fight. :*( I am a member of this baby name site... I use it to help name some of the characters in my stories, and to think of my favorite names that I would love to name my children someday, but, mostly, it's to appease my RIDICULOUS and sometimes unhealthy obsession with names. lol. :)

Anyway, it's called parentsconnect.com. They have all these different forums that people ask for advice and thoughts on names and such... And I just love that place. I think I spend more time on PC than I spend anywhere else. Which is kind of unhealthy, I think. :*(

Anyway... so I was on there today, and one of the other members mentioned that her cousin was going to name her daughter Jezebel. It pretty much appalled me, but I wasn't trying to castrate anybody or anything! But it turned into this cyber smashdown (is that the right word?) between atheists and Christians. Some other Christians were posting, but the majority of them didn't even know the story of Elijah and Jezebel... and I felt like I was battling the world, and I felt the harshness of the world very acutely. :*(

And I guess I said some things that really hurt some people, and I didn't want to. :*( And now, I just feel at a loss of how to reach people with Jesus. I feel called to take the news of Jesus to the world, but how do you even speak to people who are so hostile, so hostile against Jesus? I apologized profusely, but I wish I could have done it differently. I just don't know what I would have done instead. :*(

I remember Matthew West (a REALLY cool Christian singer dude!) blogging about how we choose our words, so that we don't go through the motions with what we say, and I remember it kind of hit me then, but it hits me even more now. I don't want to hurt people. I love people.

But how do you talk to people, witness like I feel Jesus wants me to, be kind as doves, and show them the tenderhearted Jesus and the truth that they are missing by a mile? How do you choose THOSE words? I just don't know. I mean, friendship seems to work in certain situations. And so do evangelistic series, but what else? It just seems like I can't get it right... :*(

Just something I've been thinking about a LOT today... :*(

Ash the (heartbroken) Dreamer

coolest quote ever!!!!!

I was just listening to some old Matthew West songs (he's a Christian singer), and I just love this one line from this song called "Curtain". I don't really like the rest of the song--it's got this weird vibe that I'm not feelin' too much today (you can check it out on his myspace, though--www.myspace.com/matthewwest), but I love the first line!!!! :)

Anyway, here it is:

"Well I've been catching up on daydreams
I've been lost all afternoon...
Cuz I've been imaginin' the future
in a world of only You..."

The first line was what got me, but I think I love the first four lines now!!!!

Man, I think I wanna go daydream nowwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Just figured I would share that with you. :)

Ash the (totally) Dreamer
:)

Holy Moments...

This is going to be a short one, since my dad will get out of the shower any minute, and then we'll be off to church. :)

I've just been thinking, over the past 24 hours or less, about holy moments that I share with God. I don't know why, but in the middle of the night, when it's all dark, with no lights, as I listen to my favorite Christian music, as it seems like my story joins the music and we all go dancing through life... those are the holiest glimpses for me... I want to have them more often.

I've been missing God lately. Not that He's never around--He always is. :))))))) But I've been making my time with Him sparse, and I'm getting really ticked off at myself, that I do this to Him. He is worth so much more, and I really wish I wouldn't get caught up in the things that don't matter--catching up on TV shows, mainly, but just wasting time in general, wasting moments on things that don't matter. For a girl who feels called to revolutionize the world, I feel like I'm backing away from my purpose. :*(

God is merciful, and I'm learning. Sometimes I feel like this perfectly purposeful life is not even for me to grasp anymore, that I've messed up too much to live so perfectly in an instant, but I'm learning that grace doesn't listen to what Jesus' foe tries to tell me. I'm so grateful for that. And you don't have to wait for things to align perfectly, either. Grace is for the taking, and GRACE is for today. Take it. Grasp it. Believe it.

I wish I had a beautiful story to go along with this, a touching story to tell that will rapture your heart and make you believe... because stories have that tendency... but all I have is last night. :) It was a beautiful night. My family had all gone to bed; I was sitting in my father's recliner, and I had just read two Psalms for my Bible study... I was thinking about how sometimes, even after I'm past depression, it still doesn't make since and I don't know why God let it happen to me.

And then I turned on JCTV (this teenager Christian TV station), and it was a bunch of music videos, and I just watched... and all of a sudden, I was there. With Jesus in the room. And Matt Hammitt singing his song, and the lights flashing, and somehow was just dancing through it all, as Jesus led. Worship. That's what life's about.

And I want to experience it more.

Till the next time (hope it's not so long!!!),

Ash the (Worshipful) Dreamer

:)

Today has been the best day of my life since I left to go to Union last semester. Just figured I would say that.

I ADORE these two little girls at my church (their names are Laney and Kylie...), and I got to hang out with them and play with them and help feed one of them (lol), and it was just SOOOOOOOOOOOO amazing. I love little kids, especially those two girls. :) I hope when I have little kids, they're as good as Laney and Kylie. :)

Okay. That's all. For now. I think. I got 2 books this week, and so far, the one I'm reading is MAGNIFICENT. :) I hope the rest of today is as good as lunch was!!! :)

Till later,
Ash the (Ecstatic) Dreamer :)

hi. again. :)

i just wanted to say that. :)

finals start next week, so i'll be super-busy in the next week. :) for now, i have an awesome book that i'm allowed to borrow until tomorrow evening. :) it's called "ruth and boaz", by terri fivash. :) hopefully, i can finish it before i have to give it back! :)

ttyl, dudes! happy Sabbath!!!

ash the (reading) dreamer :)

Eliza and Noah...

a few of my friends have been itching to be able to read a part of my story (i've been talking about it a little on here... it's about eliza and her family and her band, amelia). anyway, i decided to post a portion of it here...

so here's the very beginning! :)

::chapter1::

Eliza Audrey Gray tucked the wispy golden-blond tendrils that had fallen out of her loose ponytail behind her left ear. She peaked over her book as she watched Noah, Abby, and Grant play Scrabble on the table.

She glanced out the window of the bus nonchalantly. A sign proclaimed

CHARLOTTE 12 MI
BELMONT 24 MI

She smiled behind her book, loving that her friends were having such a good time. She thought of her big brother, Jacob, who was keeping their cousin, Sam, company while he drove the bus. The five of them made a great group. There was Eliza, and her brother Jacob, who had always been one of her best friends, and then Eliza’s best friend, Abby Patterson, and Noah Leeland and Grant Devlin. Grant was Abby’s fiancé and Jacob’s best friend. And Noah? Well, Noah had always been there, had always been a friend, had always made her laugh and be glad she was alive. Together, they made up the up-and-coming Christian band that everyone was watching, Amelia. More than that—they were family.

On this ride in their bus—the bus that Abby had insisted they name Rosalie, Rosey for short—they were headed in the direction of Belmont, North Carolina. It was a Sunday morning, and they were set to do a concert for the youth group at the church that evening. They planned on stopping to eat in Charlotte, only a few miles away, before they reached Belmont to set up for the concert.

As it was, three of them were steeped in a passionately competitive game of Scrabble while their road manager slept in the back and as Jacob kept Sam company. Eliza was left by herself, reading, but she didn’t mind. One of her headphones was in her right ear, and she hummed along with Sanctus Real’s lead singer, Matt Hammitt, as he sang the song he had written. She was mostly reading her book, but, at the moment, she had temporarily lost interest.

She studied Noah, on the other side of the bus, tapping one of his wooden pieces against his lip as he considered his options. A slow smile covered her face. Noah. When she first met him in the seventh grade, she would have never thought she would fall for him like a crazy schoolgirl. But she had.

She blushed behind her book, simply at the thought of it. But she would have been crazy to not fall for Noah Leeland. With his gorgeous dark brown hair, dazzling blue eyes, and quick, dimpled charmer-smile, she couldn’t imagine a guy who looked better. Even if he was in jeans and a tee-shirt. What was she saying? Especially if he was in jeans and a tee-shirt! It wasn’t just his looks, either. . . He was tender and gentle and humble, and he loved Jesus more than she could have hoped any man on the earth ever would. He was tenderhearted and kind to the fans who just wanted to meet the great Noah Leeland, and he was a leader among them in the band. . . She couldn’t imagine falling for anyone more perfect.

He had a slight shadow on his jaw from shaving the night before, when they had had a concert in Lynchburg, Virginia. His blue eyes studied the board, and he laid down three pieces—an L, A, and D. He glanced over at Eliza, and she raised her book an inch or two. He flashed her his dimpled grin and winked at her. She sighed. Noah Andrew Leeland, shameless flirt.

He nodded his head to her, indicating that she should come join them at their game.

She glanced down at her lap, covered in a purple fleece blanket her little sister, Hadley, had made for her before they had left on the tour. She loved the white stitching that offset the lavender purple. She groaned as she focused on Noah’s request again. “I’m comfortable,” she protested.

He rolled his eyes at her. “Come on.”

She unfolded her legs. “Fine,” she huffed, and she sauntered over to them. Noah moved over, making room for her. When she sat down, he deposited his arm around her. “Hi,” she said.

Noah glanced down at her and bent to whisper in her ear. “You’re my good-luck charm,” he whispered. “You and that oversized brain of yours. I’m gonna lose if you don’t help me.”

She giggled as she looked at his set of wooden chips. W, X, Y, Z, H, N, and O. “Wow, you sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t you?” she whispered under her breath.

“Hey!” Abby protested. “No teams.”

Eliza laughed. “Honey, he needs it. Besides, I know you when it comes to this game. You’re fully capable.”

Abby mumbled under her breath something about how she was going to need some help if Eliza was on Noah’s side, and Eliza laughed and whispered hints to Noah for the remainder of the game.

***

So that was the first scene... Hope y'all liked it! :)

till the next time,
ash the (resting) dreamer

trusting Jesus...

just wanted to post a little update since my "prayer" blog... :) life hasn't been too easy for me in the past couple days... i've been worrying way too much, probably since i don't feel like i've been listening to God's voice too much. there's some things that really mean a lot to me, and i've grown to love them incredibly, and the idea of cutting them out of my life because it's God's will is very hard for me. when i love something, i don't want to let it go...

anyway, i've just been thinking about what it means to trust in God lately, to give everything to Him and to stop trusting in myself. when i was younger, i didn't have as many complications with life and i knew right where i was going. depression complicates and confuses things a lot, and i really haven't known where i was going with a lot of things lately... i've been really trying to live life like God wants me to, but it feels so strange to listen to God completely now. a good strange, but still very different.

it makes me sick that i've lost hold of this relationship so much that i barely knew to seek it anymore...

and yet, i have a paper due tomorrow, and i really want to work on this story, but i am so adamant about not moving forward until i know God's will. and every time i think about this story that i so want to write, i'm afraid that, by even considering it, i am going against God's plan for me.

i want to seek God's will. i want to do what He has called me to do. even if it means bidding eliza and noah and hadley and amelia and james and olive and bristol and lulu and abby and grant and bailey and the baby and sam and nathan and all the other characters in this story... i just wish it was easier to hear God's voice.

has anyone else come across that? i always thought i had the answers when i was younger, that i knew just where life was headed and just the place i needed to be as it moved along, but i'm not so sure anymore. in the past couple days since my last blog, though, one thing has become CRYSTAL clear to me. i want to walk with Jesus, to follow in His footsteps and keep His commands, to follow His vision for me, and to always love like Jesus loved. i know writing stories will always be a part of who i am and what i do, but for now, i am content to watch movies with naomi and tease my brother and sisters and anticipate when my father arrives on may 6 to take me home to a beautiful hill in southeastern pennsylvania, where my heart and dreams lie. maybe that baby girl in my story will be maria. maybe i'll get to tell eliza's story. and maybe i won't. maybe i don't know where life is headed anymore.

but now i have Jesus at my side, and i know He is guiding me in the direction i need to go, and that's more than i could have said a couple of days ago.

until next time,
ash the (waiting) dreamer :)

Dear God...

Dear God,

I know this isn't the conventional sort of blog, but people should learn to expect that right now. I just need to get away and pray, and if people actually do read this, then I'm guessing that they will need to get away and pray, too! So I hope this is a reminder to them how much relationships with You matter.

Precious, precious Lord, STOP ME FROM THE CRASH COURSE I AM HEADED INTO! I mean this with all of my heart, and it is driving me crazy that I won't let myself give into Your way. All these crazy things are going on in my head, and I think I'm either about to drive myself CRAZY enough that I will do something I'll regret. And NOBODY needs that. Or, I'll just collapse because I've tried so hard to do it on my own.

Why are we so eager to try and fix things ourselves?

Jesus, half of the people that read this blog won't understand what I'm talking about for some of these things, but I know You do.

Jesus, I know You have called me to write this story about Eliza and Noah and all the others, but I'm reading WAY too much into the details of it all, and now I really REALLY don't know what I'm doing! Thank You for a few breakthroughs in the story--Lulu and Bristol are perfect additions to the cast, and the idea of James using his middle name when he gives his life over to You again--Jesus, that's ingenious and I love it. And Jesus, I thought I loved Arianne, and sometimes I think I still do, and I used to love the nn Ari, but now I don't even know anymore. I've had so many problems with that name... not really because I believe that it's the name I want instead of the name You want, but because I've been trying to force things and I've been trying to GO. MY. OWN. WAY. And that is not Your way. THAT is the heart of the problem. Maybe your plan is for me to use Arianne. Maybe your plan is for me to use Elena. Maybe Your plan is for me to keep Cara or Amelia. I don't know. But I don't want to move forward until I am walking in Your will, because everything else is throwing me off balance! And then I keep trying to push it and push it, and it's NOT working.

Jesus, help me to stop thinking about it. Help my mind to just rest in You and know that You are in control of the story about Eliza and Noah and the band Amelia and the whole story. You birthed that story a long time ago, and I know You have a magnificent plan for it, a plan to change the world. Now everybody on PC wants to read it, but I need to get right with You before I can move forward and share this gift with the world. You and me first. THEN everybody else!

And Jesus, then there's history. I've put it off too long, and I know I need to get it done, but it takes TOO MUCH TIME, and all I want to do is have a Sabbath again, since I missed it last weekend. :*( I'm sorry about that, too, Jesus. You deserve better than what I worshiped. :*(

Lord, help me to do my best for You. Help me to stop fixating on these things that don't even matter, and help me to LOVE You and WORSHIP You, and put You on the pedestal, and then everything will come.

Jesus, help me to stop fixing things. Help me to stop going crazy. I need Your peace in my life... Before I go CRAZY!

Jesus, I know You are with me, and I'm so grateful that You have heard my prayer. Guide me as I do my homework tonight, heal my wounds from falling so much, and teach me to put You first, not anything else. Amen.

(Sorry, y'all, if you didn't want to hear my prayer life... but it's something that has been really bothering me lately, and I figured it was something the whole world needs to deal with, too!)

Till next time,
Ash the (Wounded) Dreamer