14 April 2009

Dear God...

Dear God,

I know this isn't the conventional sort of blog, but people should learn to expect that right now. I just need to get away and pray, and if people actually do read this, then I'm guessing that they will need to get away and pray, too! So I hope this is a reminder to them how much relationships with You matter.

Precious, precious Lord, STOP ME FROM THE CRASH COURSE I AM HEADED INTO! I mean this with all of my heart, and it is driving me crazy that I won't let myself give into Your way. All these crazy things are going on in my head, and I think I'm either about to drive myself CRAZY enough that I will do something I'll regret. And NOBODY needs that. Or, I'll just collapse because I've tried so hard to do it on my own.

Why are we so eager to try and fix things ourselves?

Jesus, half of the people that read this blog won't understand what I'm talking about for some of these things, but I know You do.

Jesus, I know You have called me to write this story about Eliza and Noah and all the others, but I'm reading WAY too much into the details of it all, and now I really REALLY don't know what I'm doing! Thank You for a few breakthroughs in the story--Lulu and Bristol are perfect additions to the cast, and the idea of James using his middle name when he gives his life over to You again--Jesus, that's ingenious and I love it. And Jesus, I thought I loved Arianne, and sometimes I think I still do, and I used to love the nn Ari, but now I don't even know anymore. I've had so many problems with that name... not really because I believe that it's the name I want instead of the name You want, but because I've been trying to force things and I've been trying to GO. MY. OWN. WAY. And that is not Your way. THAT is the heart of the problem. Maybe your plan is for me to use Arianne. Maybe your plan is for me to use Elena. Maybe Your plan is for me to keep Cara or Amelia. I don't know. But I don't want to move forward until I am walking in Your will, because everything else is throwing me off balance! And then I keep trying to push it and push it, and it's NOT working.

Jesus, help me to stop thinking about it. Help my mind to just rest in You and know that You are in control of the story about Eliza and Noah and the band Amelia and the whole story. You birthed that story a long time ago, and I know You have a magnificent plan for it, a plan to change the world. Now everybody on PC wants to read it, but I need to get right with You before I can move forward and share this gift with the world. You and me first. THEN everybody else!

And Jesus, then there's history. I've put it off too long, and I know I need to get it done, but it takes TOO MUCH TIME, and all I want to do is have a Sabbath again, since I missed it last weekend. :*( I'm sorry about that, too, Jesus. You deserve better than what I worshiped. :*(

Lord, help me to do my best for You. Help me to stop fixating on these things that don't even matter, and help me to LOVE You and WORSHIP You, and put You on the pedestal, and then everything will come.

Jesus, help me to stop fixing things. Help me to stop going crazy. I need Your peace in my life... Before I go CRAZY!

Jesus, I know You are with me, and I'm so grateful that You have heard my prayer. Guide me as I do my homework tonight, heal my wounds from falling so much, and teach me to put You first, not anything else. Amen.

(Sorry, y'all, if you didn't want to hear my prayer life... but it's something that has been really bothering me lately, and I figured it was something the whole world needs to deal with, too!)

Till next time,
Ash the (Wounded) Dreamer

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