12 April 2009
Pray for Me...
I echo the title of this post. If you've ready any of my blogs, you have probably heard about my struggle with depression. Most days, recently, I have been winning in that struggle. This weekend, though, the struggle has been on the losing end for me. I don't know why--I can never say why. I don't know if there really is a reason why depression exists, beyond the fact that evil exists, and as long as evil exists, hurt and confusion--and this cancer that we call depression--will also exist.
I have a book report due on Friday; I still have two or three research papers due before the end of the semester; I still have about 25 days left until I get to travel home, and I just have too much on my plate right now to deal with depression. No one should ever have to deal with depression, but I guess it is a fact of life. I was really getting excited about this book I was writing, though (it's called Arianne; it's such a hopeful book, about love and hope and healing, all the stuff I need right now), but I have come to learn that depression and my hopeful stories don't mix, because when I write about hope when I'm filled with despair, it might sound hopeful to others, but writing is a form of healing for me, and when I try to help others heal when I'm broken-hearted... It just doesn't work. So I'm going to have to lay aside Arianne and Eliza and Noah and Hadley and Jacob and Amelia and Abby and Grant and Olive and Sam and Nathan and Bailey and Jewel and all my other characters in this book. God has a mighty purpose behind that book, and if I get in the middle of it now, I will just ruin the gem that God placed in my life. It is so hard to make these decisions, but when depression comes in like this, I know what I need to do now.
Sometimes dealing with depression is the hardest thing I think I ever have to do. If you never experienced clinical depression, you might not understand, and I understand that I am rambling right now, trying to deal with the pain and the hurt that depression forces upon my heart. And as my tears fall and I try to figure out what is next, I know three things: one, God is with me; two, God will give me hope (even when I can't see it), and three, I can NEVER. EVER. GIVE. UP. Depression isn't worth it. I know I'll come to a brighter day in my life, and I know I'll get through this. It's just... right now I wish Satan was already in hell and Jesus had extincted this cancer that I have--the cancer of depression. Everyone has their own battle--this is mine. I just pray that God will give me the strength to endure it.
Oh, my throat burns. I think somehow my throat became inflamed during the time that I wrote this. Not sure how. Pray for me, anyway. If you read this. God has a plan for me that only He knows. Maybe one day, He'll see fit to reveal it to me.
Until then, I keep moving forward. Pray for me. Please. It is so hard to deal with depression.
Ash the Jaded Dreamer (hopefully, tomorrow I'll be the Hopeful Dreamer)
PS... Happy Easter. Don't let my gloominess let you forget the hope that Jesus brought to this earth 2000 years ago.
PPS... The picture is of me and my little second cousin, Benjamin. :) He's so cute. Anyway, it echos back to a happier, less depressed time (Spring Break!). Happy Weekend, guys!