pray for me...

today i lost a very good friend.

her name was bree.

and she was amazing.

and now she's gone.

so please, please pray for me.

i've been crying for almost an hour straight through. :*(

i know i'll make it through, but i'll miss bree and everything we shared together. :*(

anyway, i just came on to ask you guys to pray for me! :)

have a lovely evening, y'all! :)

until next time,
ash the (devastated) dreamer

:)

Sorry to end the week with that dreadfully depressing last blog. :/ But hello again! I'm feeling quite a bit better today, although I am still kinda icky. :/

But there's all these plans in my life that I'm working on executing, and I'm excited about them. Getting a new job, finding out about longer-term mission opportunities in Europe, sponsoring a sweet little girl from El Salvador through Compassion International (their names are Lorena Sofia and Irene Abigail)... (gah, they're so adorable! :) There's two I'm trying to decide about, and I'm hoping nobody sponsors ONE of them until I can transfer my money so I can sponsor one of them!)

Anyway, I am feeling a bit better, after feeling still pretty depressed last night, and I feel like I'm on the up and up. :) And since the last blog was so sad, I figured I would leave you with some sheer happiness. :)

I used to say NOTHING good came out of Nebraska (especially since my year in Nebraska was probably the lowest point in my life), but I've changed my mind. There's at least one thing good that comes out of Nebraska: this SWEET band! :)



Gah, I love their music! (They're called Remedy Drive, if you didn't catch on, lol.) Their music always makes me feel so happy and revolutionary! :)

And THIS is the guy who basically does my favorite radio morning show ever (his name is Brant Hansen, and he's stinkin' HILARIOUS!).



Oh, if you get a chance, pray for him, because he's in Kabul, Afghanistan, right now, as a short-term missionary, helping missionary doctor's give birth to babies and cleaning up after them. :) It sounds like a really amazing ministry he's going with (called CURE International), so pray for him, because he and his wife Carolyn are doing an amazing thing right now...

Anyway, I figured y'all could use some cheering up after that last blog. :)

P.S... Jen, thanks for your comment, if you read this blog, too! :) It was so encouraging to me! :)

Until next time,
Ash the (Now Laughing) Dreamer! :)

worst week ever...

I know I said I would be back tomorrow, but I only have one class today, and I'm kinda hiding from the real world right now.

Probably just my overdramatic self taking things way out of proportion, but I just have to step back and be able to see how overdramatic I'm really being, and I'm pretty sure nothing major is happening in my lit class today. Besides, it started 45 minutes ago, and I'm a mess.

Yesterday one of my bosses talked to me about not doing my job right, and I guess I just wasn't seeing things that needed to be done, and she was thinking that I was all lazy and it was just a mess. Have you ever cried in front of your boss? Yeah.

EMBARRASSING!!!!

Anyway, she's going to try and get the managers to help me so I can be a better worker, but there was just stuff at that time that I really didn't know how to say, so I feel like I got a bunch of heat that really didn't need to be put under my rear, but whatever.

My mom's been so sweet about everything, and when I told her, she told me about how once one of her bosses told her that she was basically the weakest link in the whole production, and she bawled like a baby, so I don't feel TERRIBLE. I just cried all the way home, and I can't stop crying now! Gah, it's so annoying.

But then last night I had a dream that after helping the people in the show Numb3rs (aka, my new favorite TV show!) solve this crazy case on a beach somewhere (it was really weird, like a mix between Lost and Numb3rs, and I didn't know what was going on, lol!), I came home, and for some reason, my name was Arianne. Not sure why, but it was. I'm cool with that, though, because Arianne's probably my second favorite name right now, just after Eliza. :) Anyway, my parents didn't even TALK to me about this, but they said, "Oh, you have a letter waiting for you in our room." So I read the letter, and it basically said that my parents were tired of me not taking responsibility for myself and they were so tired of all my emotional problems (aka my depression and OCD) that they weren't going to put up with it much longer, and they were going to kick me out of the house just before the next school year started. Gah, what kind of dream is THAT?! I think I was crying in my dream, too, and so now I'm freaking out and reevaluating my life and such, and it doesn't help that my dad actually said that in real life... that if I didn't get my act together I could just leave.

Gah.

Anyway, so if I missed my lit powerpoint presentation, you know why. I feel like I'm a ROYAL MESS. :/

But out of all of this, I am learning that I've been taking the easy road, and even though I keep saying all these things about following Jesus, I've been going my own way, and I'm trying to come back to Him and make Him proud.

Pray for me, if you read this.

Because, well, GAH, I need it SOOOO much right now! :/

Until next time,
Ash the (Tearful) Dreamer

don't waste your life...

Gah, I LOVE this music video. And I figured I would share it with you! :) I'm usually not into the whole urban-music, rap thing, but I really love the meaning of this, and the way it makes me think about what life is about gives me goosebumps. :)

Anyway, happy weekend! Talk to ya next Friday! :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Empowered) Dreamer

:)

hello.

hello, blog-dom.

it's been a long week. i'll spare you the details, but i feel wasted. probably because i never go to bed in time to get 8 hours of sleep anymore. which stinks, because i'm not-so-nice to be around when i'm running on anything less than 8 hours of sleep. but i got 9 hours of sleep last night, so you would think that i'd be good to go. :/

tonight, for the first time in weeks, i don't feel like the world will come crashing down if God's church doesn't take it up a notch. i don't know if that's a good thing, but there it is.

i don't really get the hype of halloween. i mean, for the kiddy part, yeah, i totally get it. what girl doesn't want to dress up like a princess and go get some yummy candy? but the thing is, halloween is about so much more, and i don't understand in the slightest why people condone it.

i was talking to my grandmother today, and she was talking about how halloween was the time where all the repressed demonism, anti-God, pure, undefiled, complete EVIL comes out of hiding, and people disguise it by saying, "oh, it's a harmless time when kids can get candy!"

no it's not! you're sending your kids into the pure, unadulterated evil of one single night! gah, the idea of halloween just gives me the creaps. i don't even know how to battle it, and it's like america is unabashedly the friend of the devil for one night, and then it all goes back into hiding and everybody says it's all good and we're a Christian nation and nothing's wrong.

wrong-o!

i try to avoid halloween at ALL COSTS--well, if people came to my house for candy, i would do some progressive evangelism, and make little candy bags with little Bible verses on them or something--but even i've heard of some really creapy things that make me want to either run for the hills or run away from america. i dunno which! gah, it scares me so much.

i mean, open, unabashed devil worship? and that's all i can think of. it's like america doesn't realize the devil is real, and he's all ready to take over their hearts, and then they go out and celebrate halloween.

goodness, i wish that "holiday" would be banned.

now that all this creapy-ness woke me up again, man, i'm going to be praying for our country this weekend....

until next time (since i don't know what else to say...)
ash the (terrified) dreamer

stories and missions

hello.

it's me. here again, same place, same time, same heart, same me. new song right now. i'll post the youtube video at the end of the blog.

i feel like i'm a broken record, but when it keeps coming back to me, it just feels like it's all the more from God, so i speak. :) if you've read my last couple of blogs, you know how completely unsatisfied with my life, my church, and my actions i am.

i've been thinking, recently (like, within this week) about how i might like to be a missionary. i don't even know what it would take, but i am absolutely in LOVE with the idea of being a missionary to europe right now, of working in an orphanage, helping with church, and hopefully still keeping my favorite things--Christian music, my stories, hope, people. it would make me so much more independent than i am, and i would be positively terrified of that, but the more i think about it, the more i think it's something Jesus wants me to do.

it's time to make a change, i feel. it's time to step out of my security and soar for my Savior.

i just don't know the first movement.

so pray for me, that i know what to do. :)

in other news, i'm thinking of starting working on another story i've had on the back-burner lately. it's this allegory of the story of david and bathsheba, and it's so stinkin' amazing! it's set in present-day america (for the most part), and it's about this girl, dominique, who is married to this dude, collin. they are so happily in love, but collin is a military man, and he leaves to go fight in iraq. he is only supposed to be gone for half a year, but that turns into fifteen months--1 and 1/4 of a year!--and dominique looks for a friend. josiah gilmore, who is one of collin's best friends and one of his superior officers, is home from iraq currently, and he promised to look out for dominique. and they kinda, well, you know how things are, i suppose. dominique was lonely, they were talking intimately, it got late, dominique's gorgeous, josiah is looking for a girl of his own... and they had sex. :/ and afterward, they are both horrified, and dominique doesn't tell anybody. until she misses her period... and well, she finds out she's pregnant. and soon afterward, collin comes home. and there's something that keeps them from coming together, ya know, so later on there is no chance that the baby is collin's. and almost immediately after he comes home, he's called back over there. and he's killed in the action. dominique is grief-stricken, horrified, scared, worried that her weak actions caused this to happen to the only man she ever loved, and then she refuses to talk to josiah. josiah, who's this Godly man, is sickened by his actions. he pleads and pleads and pleads for forgiveness from God and dominique, and daily he visits collin's grave, tears pouring down his cheeks, as he asks for his best friend's forgiveness, too. and josiah becomes a new man. :) and slowly, he and dominique heal together. dom gives birth to their precious baby girl, who they name emmerson olivia (she would have gone by emmy, though). she was born extremely prematurely, though, and her heart and lungs are severely underdeveloped. she doesn't even live 24 hours, and dominique and josiah just about die out of grief. somehow, they find healing through it all, and get married and find joy again. i'm thinking it's a big enough story that it'll need to be more than one book--maybe a trilogy... i dunno. but i stinkin' love the story! :)

anyway, happy weekend, everybody! :)

till next time,
ash the (overwhelmed) dreamer

p. s. here's that video!

the injustices...

It's dark outside. Here we are again, same place, same time, every week. New song, same heart, same me. I'm listening to Francesca Battistelli's "It's Your Life," and it's just fueling the fire inside of me.

I've been mad about a lot of stuff lately. About the injustices.

Gah, I really would love to strangle somebody or something right now.

I remember someone tweeting (on Twitter) this week about the irony of the fact that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, but the US is bombing the moon to see if it has a reliable water source. I mean, really?! And President Obama is considering sending more troops to Afghanistan. REALLY?! How is that in the spirit of bringing peace? Really, I'm all about breaking the bonds and helping children and women who are oppressed, but after all this time, I think it's time for a little bit of peace. That, and to let the soldiers have a break. After all that they have done.

I saw a picture today of a formation of military soldiers. Standing at attention. With a little girl in a pretty pink dress, clinging to her daddy's hand. I don't know what the military had to say about that, but it tore my heart out. I still want to cry about it.

My old principal from elementary school is going to this leadership conference in Georgia this weekend, and he posted something on facebook about getting involved with helping orphans. I checked out the website (www.143million.org), and it's all about how to help orphans, and yes, there are 143 million orphans in the world.

That makes me SICK.

More than that, it makes me sick that I'm considered too young, too inexperienced, with too unstable of an income with too little money to adopt every single one of them. And adopt them out to families that really, truly would love each and everyone of them.

And it makes me even more sick to think that my mom is too scared of loving an orphan to even consider foster care, and my dad is too angry and focused on his job and worried about finances to be the face of Jesus to just one more child.

It makes me sick that every time I hear about another family having another child, or adopting a kid, or taking in foster children, that I have to sit here blogging about how utterly sick and furious I am, because my hands are tied.

It makes me sick I don't even have $38 a month to sponsor a Compassion International child. It makes me sick that I can barely scrape enough money together to pay off my school bills and send seven dollars to an amazing ministry called Mocha Club.

It makes me sick that I can only be so much of Jesus' hands and feet, while a lot of the rest of Jesus is just sitting there, when they can do so much more than I can do.

I'm just so sick of sitting still, of not doing ANYthing. I'm sick of being satisfied of being here, doing homework, watching TV, working at a Taco Bell that tells me to get people to donate dollars to help starving children in Africa, and when my heart is ripped out by well-off American after well-off American denies dying children who don't even have a chance, then they yell at me for focusing more on the children than on keeping the dining room clean and keeping people happy.

I'm sick of not even loving my major. I'm sick of just dreaming of change. I'm sick of going through the motions. I'm sick of not making a difference. I'm sick of fitting into the "good girl", studious, church-mouse shell of the powerhouse of a person Jesus created me to be!

And more than ANYTHING else, I'm sick of knowing all the things that need to be done, but knowing I don't have ANY resources, and not even knowing where to go! or WHAT to do, or how to go about doing it, and I just get sick inside, day after day, and it just can't keep going on like this.

Maybe I should pack a suitcase or two, fly to a poor European country, apply to work at an orphanage, and read my Bible everyday, and stop watching TV and pretending to care about all these insignificant things.

I don't feel like I was created for this life. I feel like I've been put in the wrong place entirely, and I keep hearing, "Go, go, go!" in my ears, but I don't even know where to go! And now I'm crying, and the world knows it, and still nothing happens.

This world makes me sick.

I can't wait till I get to heaven and all I have to worry about is seeing the approval and the love in Jesus' eyes, and being a friend to every person, and singing praises to Jesus and loving people like my heart was made for. Or maybe I was meant to go on the road with Christian bands and preach Jesus. I don't even know. All I know is that I can't stand this much longer.

Ash the (Despondent) Dreamer

The Things That Keep Me Awake at Night...

Hello, Blog World.

I haven't written in a while, so I figured it was time. So hello, old faithful friend.

Right now I'm listening to Jars of Clay's song, "Two Hands". I'm usually not a big fan of Jars of Clay, but I really like this song. It's hopeful, I think. Especially the bridge. Anyway, so I'm listening to this song and trying to figure out what I want to say to you.

It seems like I always say, "Oh, I have dreams of changing the world" but I never have anything to report, nothing exciting to say. Maybe that's just me, though.

I've been talking to a lot of people about ministry and church and Jesus lately. It seems like my church is dying, and that really makes me sick on the inside. Have you ever felt that way? It really makes me sick inside, because I have loved these people for so long, but it seems like our church is dying. It makes me cry. Not just on the inside, too.

I talked to my nana last week (she goes to my church, too), and she thinks it's my pastor. She thinks he's changed. I don't know if that's true. Lots of people would say that my church is just not open to evolving to meet the current needs the world has right now. I don't know if that's true, either. I used to think I had all the answers, but now I know I don't.

I listen to this morning radio show called "Mornings with Brant". You can listen online at www.morningswithbrant.com. It's awesome. They talk about Jesus, about life, about laughter, and just things you wouldn't even imagine, and there's great music in there, too. I just love it. Anyway, besides my shameless plug that you should soooooooo check it out (it's on from 6 to 10 every weekday morning), they are really making me think.

Today, they brought up this question: If your church decided to sell its property and its building, how would you feel about it? And just FYI, this is not disbanding the congregation and saying, "This church family doesn't exist anymore..." This is saying that those that are less well off than we are deserve to have food today and a Bible to heal their hearts. And clothes on their backs. And we're finally deciding to step up and be the hands and feet and words of Jesus.

Oh, the state of the Christian church in modern America makes me both sick and seething mad, and on top of it all, I just want to crawl up into a little ball and cry my heart out until the power of Satan goes away.

I LOVED that question that Brant asked today. He posted it on their facebook page, too, and I replied there, but apparently halfway through all the responses, someone had the guts to say, "Well, y'all are so gun-ho about doing it, so who's gonna be FIRST?!" And it makes me so incredibly sad that I CAN'T be first! If I brought this idea to my church board the next time they met, I would be laughed out of the room.

I can already hear what they'd say.

Are you serious, Ashley? Are you crazy? Look at where we are! We've made something out of our church. This is comfortable. This is beautiful, and this is finally OURS. Why should we give it up? Why do we need to give up what God has blessed us with?

And I know right now what I would say to them, and it certainly wouldn't be politically correct or even spiritually correct!

With tears in my eyes and a tremor in my voice, I would shout:

This is YOURS?! Are you KIDDING me? You guys don't even know Jesus anymore! You go through the motions, and you act all holier-than-thou, but you are WEAK! You are worse than they are! You are why they don't want to be here! They see right through to your lies, and they know that you are just like them, sinners in need of the Redeemer, and yet you act like you don't need Him!

They are POOR! They're DESTITUTE! They're STARVING, and SICK, and THIRSTY, and ALONE and NEEDY and THEY ARE EXACTLY WHY JESUS CAME HERE!!! And you all forgot that! How in the world could you forget? How STUPID can you be?!

And I don't know what else I would do then. I think I would curl up in a ball and cry. Because I love them to death. They're like family to me. But they are dead. They're starving themselves and they don't even know how much they're hurting themselves! And they're keeping the people out of heaven that need it the most!

I have a feeling, if I didn't get so angry that I forgot, I would tell them that I didn't understand how Jesus stand them anymore, because they were the Laodicean church, not hot but not cold, and Jesus was about to spit them out of His mouth.

But I don't want to tell them ANY of that! I love them. And I love Jesus' people that aren't quite His yet! And I love them all, and I want to show them all Jesus' hope, and I want to fly to heaven's gates with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM--both the ones in the church already, and the ones who see through to the hypocrisy and are scared away by it.

This is something that's just been bothering me so much. And I'm sick of not saying ANYTHING. I don't even know how to speak, outside of blogging like this. Jesus' church is ignorant, and I don't even know how to wake them up.

I know Jesus has called me to speak out for Him, but I don't even know what to say.

It makes me sick and sad and paralyzed all at the same time.

What do you think? I know not too many people really follow my blog, but if you do happen to read this one blog, can you please reply? Christian, Atheist, agnostic, teen, grandparent, I don't care. I just am no longer content to let the church stay this way. But I don't know where to go from here!

Thanks for reading... this one was a longer one. But Jesus truly wants each and every one of us, and I want to make it easier for us all to be with Him.

Until next time,
Ash the (frantic) Dreamer

just been thinking about different things today... thinking like the ashley i used to be, and it makes me feel free. some of the things i thought today...

my Bible study was so freeing last night. i don't even remember what that Psalm was about... i just remember feeling so healed, when i finished reading it. it helped that i had just watched a horrifically heart-draining episode of law and order criminal intent (no more for me! too much of the depressing part of the world!), and i was left feeling hopeless about life, the world, and Christianity... and Jesus fueled my heart. :)

i think i want to look into seeing if babysitting during my out-of-school hours would pay enough money to get me through college. doubt it, but it would be nice, and i would feel like i'm actually doing something fulfilling, rather than filling taco shells and taking people's orders... so tired of taco bell. and i want to be around kids so much more...

everyone that i talk to about falling in love says that it'll happen and i'll meet the right guy... i don't want to get desperate or obsessive, but i do wonder, who will that right guy be? and how in the world will i know? and even more, HOW IN THE WORLD WILL I FIND HIM?! i dream of falling in love... maybe it's just not for me. is falling in love just not for some people?

what is going to public school full-time like? i'm scared to be that immersed in such a secular culture. i hope and pray i can find a good ally to help me through it. :)

i hope i made Jesus proud today. i try. i try not to complain like Philippians 2 calls me to, and i try to be cheerful and pure in heart and kind and loving, and i try to put Jesus first... i try to do what (as far as i know) will make Jesus proud of me. i hope i succeeded today...

i can't wait to continue eliza's and noah's story. it's so epic--i just know it! i went and messed it up, and i've been praying that if God can still use it and if He still wants to use it, that He will, and i've been trying to wait on Him, but i want to write it so bad! i miss those hours of crafting eliza's and noah's lives...

i hope i can be a full-time author someday. that would be absolutely lovely and exquisite...

most of all, i thought of what it would be like to change lives today... to, life after life, impact goodness on each heart, to give hope instead of hopelessness, joy instead of strife, love instead of hatred, kindness instead of harshness, peace instead of war, Jesus instead of Satan, good instead of evil, and to, face after face, see a smile of hope... i've heard songs about how people who got to heaven and found the person responsible for planting the seed of hope, and i just want to have more people than anybody else... not because i'm conceited, but because i want Jesus glorified, and i want the best for those people...

i think i've come a long way from the darkness that i've been in... i'm not perfect, but i feel more hopeful today... hopefully, one day, i will be the girl Jesus wants me to be exactly... :)

my glorious obsession.

For the last several months--almost half a year now--I've had to deal with moderate OCD. Just figured it out recently, but I've been dealing with it for a while. And I've been shifting through the events and choices and decisions and loves in my life, and trying to sort out how to live a life full of freedom from chains. It's been a very uphill battle, but not quite as bad as clinical depression has been, which is kinda nice. :)

Anyway, so in the midst of all these obsessions, and ugh, these are the strangest things--like, half the time, I keep demanding of myself, "Ashley, WHY are THESE the things you get hung up on? What's your problem?!" lol. But in the midst of it all, I've been questioning myself and what I stand for and if I still stand for the same things that I've always stood for, and I'm learning some interesting things...

I'm finding that I thought being obsessed about God was a good thing, and I used to love Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Glorious Obsession" (it was about how he wanted to make God his only focus), but now the thought of making ANYTHING an obsession scares me not a little bit.

I am finding that the thought of being obsessed about so many things my whole life leaves me feeling weary and wondering if I will ever have a normal life outside of all these mental mumbo-jumbo--first depression, now OCD... what's next? I won't say what I'm thinking, just because I'm too afraid that I'll jinx myself! :*(((

And because of the obsessions, I'm left wondering if the things I thought I always wanted are really meant for me... I mean, I always wanted to be a writer, but when I started obsessing about a story, it wasn't that same beautiful story anymore, and so I was so freaked out that I wasn't meant to be a writer anymore. And I am just so excited for the day that Jesus brings true love and my happily-ever-after into my life, but because I obsessed about finding love and falling in love, I was actually revolted by the idea of getting into a relationship and falling in love.

I am finding that OCD is soooooo much worse than I thought it ever would be! I mean, they don't tell you about the emotional side-effects when you learn about OCD in seventh grade. Just that you have to check to make sure you turned the lights of 20 times each night. But not the emotional baggage that comes with it!

Most of all, I'm finding that I miss the peace of presence of that verse in Psalms 46... the one where it says to be still and know that God is God. And I totally want to know where in the world that peace of mind was in the middle of thinking I was going crazy!

You may not have OCD or depression, but you may be struggling with something else.

So stop.

Be still.

And know that God is still God. God will ALWAYS be God. And no matter what, there is no reason to freak out.

I just wish it was just as easy to live it out as it is to blog it at my kitchen table. :*(

Till next time,

Ash the (Changing) Dreamer