07 August 2009

my glorious obsession.

For the last several months--almost half a year now--I've had to deal with moderate OCD. Just figured it out recently, but I've been dealing with it for a while. And I've been shifting through the events and choices and decisions and loves in my life, and trying to sort out how to live a life full of freedom from chains. It's been a very uphill battle, but not quite as bad as clinical depression has been, which is kinda nice. :)

Anyway, so in the midst of all these obsessions, and ugh, these are the strangest things--like, half the time, I keep demanding of myself, "Ashley, WHY are THESE the things you get hung up on? What's your problem?!" lol. But in the midst of it all, I've been questioning myself and what I stand for and if I still stand for the same things that I've always stood for, and I'm learning some interesting things...

I'm finding that I thought being obsessed about God was a good thing, and I used to love Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Glorious Obsession" (it was about how he wanted to make God his only focus), but now the thought of making ANYTHING an obsession scares me not a little bit.

I am finding that the thought of being obsessed about so many things my whole life leaves me feeling weary and wondering if I will ever have a normal life outside of all these mental mumbo-jumbo--first depression, now OCD... what's next? I won't say what I'm thinking, just because I'm too afraid that I'll jinx myself! :*(((

And because of the obsessions, I'm left wondering if the things I thought I always wanted are really meant for me... I mean, I always wanted to be a writer, but when I started obsessing about a story, it wasn't that same beautiful story anymore, and so I was so freaked out that I wasn't meant to be a writer anymore. And I am just so excited for the day that Jesus brings true love and my happily-ever-after into my life, but because I obsessed about finding love and falling in love, I was actually revolted by the idea of getting into a relationship and falling in love.

I am finding that OCD is soooooo much worse than I thought it ever would be! I mean, they don't tell you about the emotional side-effects when you learn about OCD in seventh grade. Just that you have to check to make sure you turned the lights of 20 times each night. But not the emotional baggage that comes with it!

Most of all, I'm finding that I miss the peace of presence of that verse in Psalms 46... the one where it says to be still and know that God is God. And I totally want to know where in the world that peace of mind was in the middle of thinking I was going crazy!

You may not have OCD or depression, but you may be struggling with something else.

So stop.

Be still.

And know that God is still God. God will ALWAYS be God. And no matter what, there is no reason to freak out.

I just wish it was just as easy to live it out as it is to blog it at my kitchen table. :*(

Till next time,

Ash the (Changing) Dreamer

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