toes and drummers and marriage and twitter...

i stubbed my toe today. actually, about an hour ago. and it hurts REALLY bad. i almost passed out. but then again, i have a low tolerance for pain, so that's not really saying much.

i got a twitter account since my last post. still not sure if i want to put it on my blog. i just found my cousin in france on twitter. that made me pretty psyched. i haven't seen her for years, and i haven't talked to her for months. :*(

and for some reason really unknown to me, mark graalman, the drummer from sanctus real, is following my posts. ??????????????????!!!!!!!!!! i really don't get that, but i don't object! maybe that's God's way for getting me to be able to start that ministry for sanctus real and all the other Christian bands i was talking about earlier last year. :))) man, i sure do want to meet his little boys. ben and nate are sooooooooo adorable. so are claire and emmy, even though the girls are matt hammitt's, not mark graalman's, lol. i think i want to meet them more.

i leave for my new school at around 4 o'clock in the morning on sunday, so this is probably my last post on the east coast. the next time, it'll be in the middle of the midwest, in the middle of nowhere. *sigh*. i'm kind of looking forward to it, but i'm also afraid of some things.

i decided to change my major. did i tell you guys that, too? i changed it to psychology. i pretty much hate the idea of going to school for about seven more years, just so i can help the next generation to believe in marriage, and for this generation to fall in love with God's plan. but i really do believe in it, and i believe it is something God really called me to. other things are just my interests, but i think, if i can't write stories and help people fix their marriages, and meet sanctus real and preach all over america and change the next generation... if i can't do that, i think i will die.

well, i'm not feeling to great (health-wise), and i am really tired. i'm going to do my Bible study and call it a night. sweet dreams, internetdom. :)

till later,
ash the dreamer...

merry Christmas...

i just did my Bible study, and every Christmas Eve, i always read the part of Matthew 1 with the story of how Jesus came to come on this earth. it always surprises me what Christians assume about the Bible.

you know, when you think about it, really, why WOULDN'T joseph plan to divorce mary secretly? i mean, what in the world are the odds that a teenage girl engaged to be married to a man would be carrying the King of the Universe? i mean, think about it. billions of girls have been engaged to be married to billions of men. what are the odds that mary is the one to carry Jesus? i mean, i can imagine that every girl that ever lived always hoped that she would carry the King of the world, but who would have dared to expect that it would be her?

and why do we wonder why joseph was about to send mary away secretly? stories like these have become more like a mathematical equation we have come to expect rather than a story we have heard for the first time. how sad.

this week, i've been struggling with a relapse of my depression. i dealt with it a lot while i was at union, so i'm really afraid that things will just return to how they were when i go back january 4. i have to go, though. i have the ticket, i'm registered to attend... i just have to figure out classes and finances. and i remember reading one december post of matt hammitt's--it was so cool. i'm sure the words aren't exact, but i would love to memorize them soon. he says something to the effect of "Lord, the gift of Jesus will always be enough, but if i can ask for something more this Christmas..." matt goes on to ask for the gift of wonder, like he sees in his young daughter, emmy. not me, this year, though. this year, my prayer is "Lord, the gift of Jesus will always be enough, but if i can ask for something more this Christmas... Lord, give me the gift of joy." i've been praying this a lot this season, not because i lack it all the time, but because i have lacked it in my life, and i don't ever want to lose sight of it again. Jesus brings so much joy to my life, and i want to live that joy out throughout my whole life. i want Jesus' Christmas joy.

it's so amazing to me to imagine that the improbable happened to a girl who hoped but never thought her hope would come to fruition... hope came to a girl who always dreamed, but thought she was destined to be a dreamer. nothing else. when hope came to a world who only hoped and never believed, when hope saved the world... it wasn't this night. it wasn't the 24th of december, but this is the day we celebrate it. at least some of us do. and i just want to have the joy and hope this night that i know mary and joseph and the world received over two thousand years ago.

merry Christmas, everybody.

this Christmas...

this Christmas has been interesting this year... my grandmother is in the hospital with cancer and pneumonia, my parents are really stressed, and i have been so busy with finishing up my semester in public school and working at taco bell and getting ready to return to my Christian college that this Christmas season has been different. and not in a good way.

i was told i couldn't say merry Christmas at work. every time i said it to a Christian, they just about blew my head off. then i had to explain to them that i went to work with this one girl, this other guy was my teacher in high school, and so on. SOOOOOOOOOOOO annoying. now i just say have a good day, because it makes me seethe inside to have to say happy holidays instead of merry Christmas. *sigh*. i still sometimes forget and say it anyway. i saw a lady with a pin that said "it's okay to say Merry Christmas," and i smiled. i wish i had a chance to tell her Merry Christmas.

this Christmas, i am learning more the "reason for the season". i always knew it was supposed to be Jesus, but it never really hit me here, deep in my heart. i've been learning about that. every year it becomes more important, and, this year, i think i would be okay if i didn't get any presents. sure, i really want that new purple iPod and a bunch of new books and that different version of the Bible that i don't have, and one of the sanctus real songs that i still don't have in my possession, but if i didn't get any of that... if i didn't get anything material, if my family didn't celebrate Christmas... i don't think i would pass out. i've been thinking about Jesus a lot. about how beautiful was His love when He came to sacrifice Himself for me, and what it must have been like to be Mary or Joseph. i like that. that i am seeing this season the way Jesus wants me to see it, whether or not this was when Jesus came to this earth.

the past two days i worked, there was this family that came in to taco bell. every time i see them come in, i'm excited to take their order, because they're deaf. the father has a cochlear implant, so he can talk a little, but the wife and children don't talk at all. it's so interesting to watch them use asl as they eat. they can talk with their mouths full! (haha, lame joke, but it was an interesting observation when i made it!) but it's always been a dream of mine to meet and talk to someone who is deaf... (i really want the conversation to be in asl, but for now, i will have to deal with this.) so what does this have to do with Christmas? i am not sure, actually. i guess it just teaches me to have more of a servant's heart. i realize i treat them with more love than a lot of people i serve.

tonight i made some pretty cool ornaments while i watched "the inn of the sixth happiness" (about gladys aylward) for family worship. i'm pretty stoked about that. i'm gonna collect them so i can use them on my Christmas tree when i don't live with my parents anymore. :)

see?



that's about all i have to say right now. Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (cuz i can say it here!)

till the next time,
ash

i need africa more than africa needs me...

i know i've talked about mocha club a couple times on this blog, but this time i want to talk about them a little bit longer. they started this, well, i guess it's a campaign, using the slogan "i need africa more than africa needs me," and, as soon as i heard it, i was so psyched to get involved with it. it's taken me a while to get to the place where i can blog about it, but i'm finally here.

i need africa more than africa needs me. i really do mean that, with all of my heart. there is a breathless desire, a RAW NEED to change the world. if i lived my whole life and just went to school and went to work and got married and had a family and walked around this world, day in and day out, never doing anything to make life here more bearable and hopeful on this earth, then i think i would die. i had all these dreams about changing the world for years now, and i haven't had a clue how to change the world, to build hope, to cause more laughter and more smiles. but then, when i went to the sanctus real concert a couple months ago in september, sammy a. was telling us all about how we could LITERALLY CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! not figuratively or in a small way, but to save people's lives. that was amazing to me. so i got behind mocha club. but that is not the only reason i need africa.

when i see africa in the news or in movies or tv shows like 24 redemption and some of the episodes of ER, it reminds me of people. people who have hurt and cried and died and that need my help. God has granted me gifts for a reason, and seeing these people reminds me to love. wherever i am. because all people want to be loved.

you can get involved, too... it's only seven dollars a month, and how much is that? not very much at all! you aren't giving up very much... just two mochas a month, or going to the movies a time or two a month, or maybe a book, or eating out instead of packing a lunch... that's all it takes. and you're saving lives. if you join mocha club, you'll get a pretty cool tee-shirt for free, too. think about it. pray about it. and do it. please.



When I think of Africa, the following images immediately come to mind: Starvation. AIDS. Child soldiers. Genocide. Sex slaves. Orphans. From there, my thoughts naturally turn to how I can help, how I can make a difference. “I am needed here,” I think. “They have so little, and I have so much.” It’s true, there are great tragedies playing out in Africa everyday. There is often a level of suffering here that is unimaginable until you have seen it, and even then it is difficult to believe. But what is even harder is reconciling the challenges that many Africans face with the joy I see in the people. It’s a joy that comes from somewhere I cannot fathom, not within the framework that has been my life to this day. [read more]

the Lord has made Himself known...

mmmm....

i just ran across these words in Psalm 9, and i just had to write them down. people's opinions and popularity aside. Here are these words:

"For the needy will not always be forgotten; the Lord has made Himself known." that's basically the first line of verses 18 and 16 (in that order). mmmm... how powerful is that?

"For the needy will not always be forgotten." How much is that needed in today's society?

i remember this one quote from this Christian comedian/singer, who was talking about his favorite Bible verse (which says, "It has come to pass.") He talks about how cancer and aging and the horror on this earth have come to pass. "It has not come to STAY, it has come to PASS!" i remember he said. "you eighteen-year-old jocks with muscles in your earlobes! enjoy it! it has come to pass!"

mmmm... but in all seriousness, what are you supposed to say to a seven-year-old little girl who has been molested by her uncle? or the girl who thought she was in love, only to find that he had married her for her money, and took half of it--and all her heart--with him when he filed for divorce two days after the honeymoon ended? or the teenager dying of cancer? or the single mother raising three children on a waitressing job?

my pastor preached about this today, and how we're supposed to have grattitude, and how it didn't make sense to be grateful when so much is wrong in the world. and then he suggested that these trials come so we can praise God. and i believe with all of my heart that trials bring us closer to God if we let it, but i really don't believe that God is just looking for trials to put us through, just so he can see if we're good little lab rats and we've been conditioned properly!!!! and that's what it sounded like my pastor was saying today. and all i could think of was NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stop it! stop saying that! stop breaking their hearts! these single mothers, and grandmothers dying of cancer, and divorcees, and parents stretched so thin financially that they don't know where their meals are coming from for tomorrow... they don't need to hear that this has come to see if they are faithful! they don't need to hear that the God they claim to follow isn't right by their side, coaching them through this!

i believe that God tests us, lets us go through the fire draw us closer to Him, but the part my pastor failed to mention that God goes right through the fire with us, that Jesus has PRAYED for us, and that He holds onto us and holds us up as much as we let Him!

"For the needy will not always be forgotten..."

i love this chorus in this song by one of my favorite bands, tenth avenue north, which goes like this:

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

"The Lord has made Himself known."

mmmm... :)

i got "clocked"...

okay, so i finally have a blog-worthy story to tell, so i figured i should tell it before i forget all the crazy details... :)

anyways, so yesterday, i was at work, slaving away so i can go back to my dream college next semester, and it was about 2:15 in the afternoon or so, and i was looking for something to do (cuz it's usually DEAD in taco bell at 2:15 in the afternoon). so my boss calls out to me (you have to understand, this in itself is pretty hilarious. she's this Filipino pip-squeak who bosses everybody around and threatens to "karate-chop" you up in pieces if you do something too wrong. she's pretty hilarious), and she wants me to turn this timer that hangs from the ceiling so she can see it in the camera, so i try, but i'm, like, three feet below it, and i can barely touch it with the tips of my fingers... horrible. anyway, so i'm swatting at it, and its spinning around in circles (any person in their right mind would have noticed something was wrong here), and i kept spinning it the wrong way, apparently. and my boss keeps saying "no-no... other way. other way. i'm gonna karate-chop you..." and i've been swatting it both directions so, i'm like, "what is she talking about?!?!" and then, it came to a stop, so i was waiting for her to tell me which way to turn it, and my head was kinda down, and then, out of NOWHERE, it was like BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the clock fell! from the ceiling! on top of my head! and then to the ground!

i didn't even know what had happened... it felt like an eternity after it happened that it dawned on me that the clock had hit me on the head, and all i could do was hold my throbbing head and will myself to breathe so i didn't pass out in front of all my coworkers and all the taco bell customers (cuz i have a REALLY low tolerance for pain...). after that... well, after that, it was a blur. i sat down in the dining room for a little bit, and then i took of my hat, and found blood soaking into my hat, and i was like, "ho, boy..." after that.... well, i just sat a lot and put ice on it, and my boss cleaned it up, and ho, boy, did it hurt! it still hurts so bad. yesterday, my dad made some joke about how i literally got "clocked", and they haven't stopped yet... at least i got out of work early. :)

i just praise Jesus that i didn't get hurt worse than i did, and that i didn't get any serious brain injuries. Jesus is so good. :)

on a mission...

lately, i have felt this deep calling, and even if you don't care, or you don't know what i am talking about, or you think this is stupid, i know this is a calling of God, it is my dream, and someday, it WILL come true. and i just have to say it somewhere, somehow, how incredibly BUILT FOR ME this mission is.

last fall (september to be exact), i went to my first Christian rock concert. it was amazing!!!!! :))))) anyway, it was to see my favorite band, which you probably know by now if you read any of my other blogs. :) anyway, so i went and i enjoyed myself so much. but, the thing is, while i was there, there was this really cool speaker. his name was sammy adiyibei (not sure of the spelling). so he spoke just before sanctus real came out, and i've been thinking a lot about that lately. about what it would be like, traveling with a Christian band, listening to them sing and talk about Jesus every night, and watching these kids be impacted by Christian ministry, and then, having the honor of being a part of that, to impact kids lives and to have the incredible honor to speak to a generation every night, and pour out Jesus' love for them... it's just something i feel like God has called me to do, and i can't wait to be a part of that. i just don't know how to get there. maybe soon. God, show me how!!!

the thing is... the first year i went to college, i went in as a theology student, because, for one, i LOVE youth, and i love ministry. even though i don't have much experience speaking publicly, i love the experiences i've had, and i LOVE connecting with people one-on-one. secondly, i LOVE Christian music. LOVE IT! like, you don't even know. my family thinks i'm crazy, cuz i can't stop playing it. and for like, the past half a year, i've been dying to meet sanctus real (even though that probably has nothing to do with it).

i don't know how to explain it... it's like... you know who you are sometimes, and you know God has this incredible plan for you, and then He shows it to you, if only just a little bit, and you're like, WELL, DUH!!!! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? and that's kinda how i feel... except for one addition... "when can i start?"

*sigh* i hate it that it takes me so long to be prepared by God to do the things He has called me to do. well... until later... keep chasing Jesus. :)

piers and such...

this picture kinda explains how i feel tonight. how i wish i had a haven like this where i could go and sit in the middle of all the glory of God and take a breath of fresh air. sometimes, in the middle of a million people, though, i get these glimpses of fresh air, even when i am breathing the dank, stale air of a city like reading, pennsylvania, cuz Jesus is my Breath of fresh air. i know that sounds corny in a million and one ways, but look at that picture. look at it. with those billowing, cotton-ball clouds swooping so low in their dance that you could almost reach up and touch them, with the trickling, tickling sound of the water underneath your feet, the feel of the worn wood under your palms as you stair up at the sky at God in wonder, how can Jesus not be your Breath of fresh air? this world is becoming increasingly like a stale city, full of foul, frenzied people, but Jesus... when i look at Jesus, i can breathe again.

at this moment, i feel like i've just breathed my first breath of air in a really long time. i just had to say how incredible it is to breathe again. :)

hi.

i just wanted to say that before this month is over. these are the random thoughts going through my head right now.

58 days until Christmas day. :)))))))))))))))) woohoo. i'm psyched. soar throats are a pain in the butt. i hate it that cussing is so popular and that now that i visit secular environments so much that those words enter my mind way too much. i want to meet Sanctus Real for more than five seconds and more than as just a fan who wants an autograph. i wonder where my Sanctus Real tee-shirt went to. i wonder how i'm going to end up changing the world like i know Jesus has planned for me to do. i miss my uncle (he was visiting from kansas) even though i'm glad there's more space in the house. i'm scared i'm gonna flunk my driver's test and never be able to drive. ever. :) really fearing that God has stopped making room for you in heaven is really scary. i've feared it, like, four times. it's mind-numbing. i still need to do my algebra homework. oh, wait. no i don't. cuz i had a test two days ago. :) i got accepted back into my dream school. i just need to come up with about $2500 by jan. 4. :) depression is stupid. i love my new playlist on myspace. here's my playlist on myspace:

1. yours, by dizmas
2. the fight song, by sanctus real
3. something to say, by matthew west
4. dear love, by the icarus account
5. doubts or disbelief, by chasen
6. grace, by phil wickham
7. nothing to lose, by sanctus real
8. stronger, by seabird
9. hold my heart, by tenth avenue north
10. opposite way, by leeland

yep. pretty awesome. Christian music at its best. :]]]]]]]] been thinking about ministry ideas. what i want to do to change the world. just don't know how to start it. i hate free taco afternoon at taco bell. i had about 7 people just about cuss me out when it came time to turn people away from their free tacos. silly people. they care about the stupidest things. please, nobody else steal any bases in the world series!!!! haha. i wanna paint again. oil painting is fun. i would love to miss a day of school. can't wait to get back to nebraska. i hope my Bible study is fruitful tonight. i wish i could study the Bible with matt hammitt and/or mike donehey. and mark graalman. that'd be awesome. i wanna meet claire hammitt. she's adorable. i want my bike back, so i can start exercising again. i wish i knew what major to take--psych (to become a family/marriage counselor) or small business management/lit (to own a bookstore).

so what's the point of all this rambling? i dunno. is there really ever a point to rambling? probably not. but all these things... music, school, Jesus... these are the things of my heart. i dunno what the future holds, but i finally know who holds me.

oh, i hate this... i've been trying to figure out how to say what i want to say for at least half an hour now, but i don't know how to say it. i just want to say that this world is crazy, and so messed up, but somehow, i've found peace, and the Way that i need to go, and it's just the most incredible thing. to find peace in depression... that is a miracle. a couple of entries ago i talked about sanctus real's song about how it's chaos, and there's peace, and how that was the perfect definition of depression--chaos--but i didn't know where the peace was, but, Jesus, in His mercy and strength and love, showed me the peace, too... it's like, an orchestra singing glory and majesty... and i can dance in circles with my Maker in the middle of it all... it's just so crazy... but it's my life. wow. :]



haha... just something to balance all the deep thoughts with. :) i love this video. :))))

hallelujah...

wow... i've seen this video before, since phil wickham is my second favorite singer (second to sanctus real... *grin*), but today... today this song resonated so much with me... life's pretty good, but it's been a little depressing lately, and lately (namely, today), i've been wondering what you're supposed to do when you don't feel God, and you feel like you don't know Him anymore, and you feel like you're like any other joe schmo or jane doe, killed by this world.

cuz that's how i've felt lately. alone and killed by this world, full of secularity and emptied of God and goodness, and i feel like i've completely lost sight of who i am. it's not the first time i've lost sight of God, and now i know that not matter how i feel i always have to cling to Him even if i don't understand, but what... what do you do when the world grabs you by the throat and its talons dig into your trachea and slit your throat and you feel the last few breaths seeping out of you, and you have no hope and no strength to fight anymore? what do you do when it takes every effort just to keep breathing, to just sit there and not let go, to grit and grind your teeth and dig in and breathe in and breathe out, when that's all you can do, when praying doesn't seem to work and you don't feel God, and you don't even know WHY??? and you're desperate and you heave in and out and in and out and nothing makes sense and you know there has to be a purpose beyond these heaved breaths, beyond this nothing, but you don't know how to get there and so you heave in and out and try to find something, ANYTHING, to do to make the silence and the pain less obvious and felt, but you know it has to be something worthy of God, since you're supposed to be God's temple and His hands and feet and His breath and His touch and salt and light, but you're so, so, so tired of fighting.

that's how i felt this afternoon between my useless classes, and i just was sick of fighting and sick of this war and sick of being sick... and then, after supper, i sit down in my parents dark room and go on the internet, mainly to do my math homework, and then i find this... this worship anthem written and sung by an un-Christian singer (well, he might have been a Christian, but he wasn't a Christian singer) and covered by dozens of musicians, and sung with such passion from phil wickham, like he knows exactly what i'm talking about in this blog, that someone knows...

maybe all i know tonight is that when i don't feel Jesus, and i don't know what is going on, and i want so much to be who i am to be, but i'm not that person yet, i just have to hold on to Jesus and sing hallelujah. i don't even have to fight. i don't even have to protest, or figure out a battle plan, or figure anything out. i just have to keep believing that even if i never see Jesus' heart again on this earth, if i keep believing that He's for me, and i was created to be with Him and for Him, and if i keep telling people about Him, even if i don't even know if i know Him anymore... i don't have to have it all. i just have to cling to Him. and sing hallelujah... sing hallelujah...