hallelujah...

wow... i've seen this video before, since phil wickham is my second favorite singer (second to sanctus real... *grin*), but today... today this song resonated so much with me... life's pretty good, but it's been a little depressing lately, and lately (namely, today), i've been wondering what you're supposed to do when you don't feel God, and you feel like you don't know Him anymore, and you feel like you're like any other joe schmo or jane doe, killed by this world.

cuz that's how i've felt lately. alone and killed by this world, full of secularity and emptied of God and goodness, and i feel like i've completely lost sight of who i am. it's not the first time i've lost sight of God, and now i know that not matter how i feel i always have to cling to Him even if i don't understand, but what... what do you do when the world grabs you by the throat and its talons dig into your trachea and slit your throat and you feel the last few breaths seeping out of you, and you have no hope and no strength to fight anymore? what do you do when it takes every effort just to keep breathing, to just sit there and not let go, to grit and grind your teeth and dig in and breathe in and breathe out, when that's all you can do, when praying doesn't seem to work and you don't feel God, and you don't even know WHY??? and you're desperate and you heave in and out and in and out and nothing makes sense and you know there has to be a purpose beyond these heaved breaths, beyond this nothing, but you don't know how to get there and so you heave in and out and try to find something, ANYTHING, to do to make the silence and the pain less obvious and felt, but you know it has to be something worthy of God, since you're supposed to be God's temple and His hands and feet and His breath and His touch and salt and light, but you're so, so, so tired of fighting.

that's how i felt this afternoon between my useless classes, and i just was sick of fighting and sick of this war and sick of being sick... and then, after supper, i sit down in my parents dark room and go on the internet, mainly to do my math homework, and then i find this... this worship anthem written and sung by an un-Christian singer (well, he might have been a Christian, but he wasn't a Christian singer) and covered by dozens of musicians, and sung with such passion from phil wickham, like he knows exactly what i'm talking about in this blog, that someone knows...

maybe all i know tonight is that when i don't feel Jesus, and i don't know what is going on, and i want so much to be who i am to be, but i'm not that person yet, i just have to hold on to Jesus and sing hallelujah. i don't even have to fight. i don't even have to protest, or figure out a battle plan, or figure anything out. i just have to keep believing that even if i never see Jesus' heart again on this earth, if i keep believing that He's for me, and i was created to be with Him and for Him, and if i keep telling people about Him, even if i don't even know if i know Him anymore... i don't have to have it all. i just have to cling to Him. and sing hallelujah... sing hallelujah...