Taco Bell and Changing the World...

I spent much of today trying to convince the patrons of the Taco Bell/Long John Silvers' in my county to donate a dollar to help teenagers graduate from high school.

I wonder why the other register people don't get as fired up about it as me.

At first, I didn't care about it terribly much--I mean, it didn't seem nearly as important as the whole "feeding the children" drive we have between October and December... when people all look down at me condescendingly and say, "Oh, no, dear, I can't give today..." or "No, I positively would NOT like to help feed hungry children in Africa..." it makes my blood boil.

Am I the ONLY one?

Most of the others don't even ask, really, anymore. I guess they're tired of getting no all the time, and they're in a hurry. If I wasn't so completely passionate about helping and saving the world, I guess I could understand. But these are PEOPLE. They NEED help. I realize I can't give all the help to every person that will ever need it.

But is it wrong to want 100% of the customers that come into my place of work to say, "Sure, I'll donate a dollar to help an inner-city kid to graduate from high school, be rescued from the influence of gangs, and go on to live a fulfilled and productive life in the future"?

I realize that the program won't even work for every teenager that they try and help. But they're TRYING. Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to middle class America?

Can I just say that middle class America makes my blood boil?

I guess I'm a part of it, even... we all have our little gadgets and our cars and our homes, and we think we have it all together, but we're losing it enough that we can claim an excuse as to why we can't help this cause or that cause. We come from a history of helpfulness and goodness and God and knowing what's right just enough that we know we SHOULD, but we always have a reason why we DON'T. And most of all, "Later" is our favorite word. I can do it later...

I think "later" should be a word that doesn't even exist.

I think later is the worst idea in the whole entire universe.

I think later will ruin us.

I know I can't change everyone, but if every single one of us who CAN do something would actually DO it, then we wouldn't NEED to worry about putting something off any longer--because all the problems would be solved!

And sometimes, I think that middle-class Judeo-Christian America is even worse than middle-class America. "I already donate through my church..."

Every time someone says that to me, I feel like reaching across the counter, slapping them in the face, and saying, "Thank you for that. I'm glad that your church is doing something to help others. But your church isn't helping THIS child stay alive. Your church isn't tutoring THIS teenager to give them a future. So if you can spare a dollar--which I know you can, I can see it RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HAND... Can you PLEASE just give up your selfish little motives and feed a child instead of have another cup of coffee?!"

Ooooh, I HATE Middle-Class America.

So can you do me a favor?

If your local fast food restaurant is helping some cause--even if it isn't backed by your personal theology or religious persuasions--can you PLEASE do me a favor and donate your dollar to help children have a future, or to rescue children from poverty, or to feed a dying child, or whatever other plan this organization is doing to save the world? Thanks.

On the upside, I'm pretty sure I got over $30 in donations to help the teenagers of America. How awesome is that? And that was just me. If I could do that EVERY time I work on register, and if this drive lasts for a month, I could raise about $500 or so. (I don't work a ton, haha.)

It's not hard to change the world.

We just need to try.

So why don't we try?! :*(

Till next time,
Ash the (Sad) Dreamer

Ben

This is my second cousin, Ben! :)

Isn't he adorable?

I got to play with him for a couple hours, and he's so sweet and adorable! :)

I always knew I wanted girls, and I really still do, but after getting to hang out with Ben for a while and see his silliness and how awesome it is to be around little boys as well as little girls... now I want both! haha.

Gah, children are such great gifts from God. :) And I'm pretty excited for the day when I'll be able to have my own children. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Happy) Dreamer

Sick

I don't want to talk long. Seeing that I have to be up in Hamburg (which is like, 30 minutes away from my house) at 9 o'clock in the morning tomorrow, and well, I've been REALLY low on sleep all week...

But it just hit me, a few moments ago, how much I hate this world.

Please go read this.

Sometimes I forget people still grieve long after their grief has been seen by the public's eye. Sometimes I forget how hard it is to lose someone you love. And that sickens me, that I can even forget.

And I heard about a natural disaster happening near Nashville today. I don't even know what it was, but that it happened, and that it threatens lives infuriates me.

I wonder how much righteous anger Jesus goes through each day, thinking about all the injustices faced by the children He loves. He considers every person here on this earth someone He loves. How much pain could that be? How hasn't God died of a broken heart all over again?

Just thinking about one baby boy, not even born yet, who might not live... thinking about Bowen Matthew Hammitt, even though I don't know him, or his family even, makes me want to cry. If Jesus loves one person infinitely more than I ever could, how in the world hasn't He died of a broken heart again?

And why in the world do we have so little compassion?

Till next time,
Ash the (Heartbroken) Dreamer

Ari and Liliana

Hello!!!!!

I'm so very excited about these two little girls who live in the southern region of the US... Can I tell you their story?

I've changed all the names of the people involved, out of respect for my friend. So I have a friend who lives in the South Carolina/Georgia area of the south, Krista. She has a little girl named Hazel who is positively precious and adorable, who is seven. Krista and her hubby, Danny, recently welcomed twins into the world, Claire and Zavier.

Krista and Danny are really awesome, mission-minded people who really want to help out just about EVERYONE around them. After the twins were born, they decided not to have any more biological children, but while they were still trying to have Claire and Zavier, they had considered adoption... they thought they would be able to adopt this little boy, and had picked out a name for him (Josiah Caleb, but he goes by Caleb). They adoption process was completed just weeks before Claire and Zavier were born. They were excited to have their little family of four.

Then they found out that Caleb had a TWIN BROTHER, and Krista couldn't stand the idea of Caleb and his twin being separated (especially after having twins of her own!), so she and Danny began the process of adopting Caleb's twin, who they named Hudson Jacob.

They were happy, Krista, Danny, Hazel, Caleb, Hudson, Claire, and Zavier, their happy little family. They were content to stay that way. But then there was more news.

When Danny had thought that they would not be able to adopt Caleb, and before they knew about Hudson, he had found out a coworker had a baby girl that he could not take care of, and was desperately looking for someone to adopt her. Danny and his lawyer were working together, seeing if it was even a possibility, without Krista's knowledge.

Then one day, only a little bit after Claire and Zavier had been born, Danny calls Krista from work, crying and hysterical, babbling on about the cops and a baby and a disaster, and that she needed to get there NOW. So Krista hauled her five little ones in their pickup truck down to Danny's work. The place was swarming with an interested crowd, analytical cops, foster care case-workers, and in the midst of it all, Danny was clutching a pitiful, crying baby girl, trying to shield her from the noise, the pain, the world. The cops and caseworkers were trying to take the little baby (no more than a week or so old) away from Danny, and he was crying and wouldn't let her go... Krista climbed out of her truck and made her way through the crowd... to where her husband was.

Krista was confused and even a little angry, about it all... but then she saw the baby. Liliana. She was so beautiful and so perfect, and she just KNEW she had to take in that little baby-girl orphan. So it took a while, but Danny's lawyer showed up and explained that Danny and Krista were in the process of adopting Liliana... and eventually it all died down.

Liliana had to go home to her birth parents that day, but a few days later, Liliana's parents met with Krista and Krista's mom, and that's when Krista found out about Liliana's big sister--Ari.

They met at a fast food restaurant, and when Liliana began to cry, her parents didn't know what to do, so Krista offered to change her diaper. I don't remember all the details, but somehow, while Krista was taking care of Liliana, her parents just LEFT! I can't even imagine that, just leaving my two girls with two total strangers. Just thinking about it makes me crazy-furious.

But because Ari and Liliana had been so malnourished, uncared-for, and even worse, they were hospitalized. This was around January, some time.

Ari just came home from the hospital about a week or two ago.

But that's not all--a few weeks ago, Caleb and Hudson's birth family decided that they wanted the boys back. It was really hard on Krista, Danny, and Hazel. But they decided that it was better for the boys to not be fought over than for the boys to be with them. So Caleb and Hudson are now Micah and Joseph, and are back with their grandparents and their birth momma.

But that's not all.

The pain of not being able to adopt Caleb and Hudson (even after the papers were completely taken care of) drove Krista and Danny to a decision: that they weren't going to adopt at all. Not for now, at least.

I wasn't worried about Caleb and Hudson/Micah and Joseph, because even though their family gave them up for adoption in the first place, it sounds like they will be well cared for. But I WAS scared for Ari and Liliana! I didn't know what would happen to them.

But now Krista's best friend, Christiana, and her hubby, Bryan, are adopting the girls. Ari is now at home with them, and thriving. :) Krista babysits Ari during the day, while Christiana and Bryan are at work, and Liliana is still in the hospital, but getting a little stronger every day.

So now do you know why I am so very excited for Ari and Liliana? Do you know why I'm so excited about ADOPTION?! These precious, innocent little souls are finding hope, love, a future, and every dream they would have ever had if they didn't find a family. And while my soul is horrified for the sadness Krista, Danny, and Hazel have experienced, I am thrilled for the treasure Ari and Liliana have received. Even though Krista and I live states away, she sends me pictures of the girls often, and I can see Ari blossoming. She's so beautiful. And strong. And every time I think about Ari's and Liliana's futures, I can't hope but be hopeful.

Because they have received hope.

And I can only hope that one day, I can give at least one or two little ones the sort of joy and hope and future that Ari and Liliana are receiving. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Relieved, Hopeful, Joyful, Elated) Dreamer

These Things Take Time

Sorry this quality isn't the best, but I positively ADORE this song right now!!!! :)

Do you know why I love this song?

I love it so very much because it says the most perfect thing. To me, right now, anyway.

I have so many questions, so many raging injustices that I can't believe haven't been fixed, so many hurts, and I am the kind of person that wants things fixed IMMEDIATELY. I get a D+ on my science mid-semester grade? I want to do a million extra credit assignments to get it back up to an "A" IMMEDIATELY. I can't wait. I have a dream to help somebody? Who cares if it's 1:30 in the morning! I want to help them NOW!!!! haha. That's just how I'm wired. So it's really hard for me to live patiently.

I was so outraged this week when I heard that people were rescuing a killer whale that KILLED THREE PEOPLE. And apparently my mom's coworker/friend thought it was no big deal that the killer whale killed THREE HUMANS, but she was about to have a cow at the thought of putting the beast down! And apparently, she values the life of one animal above people, above even orphans or children suffering under the abuse of their crazed parents... I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. And so I go to do my Bible study, and I pray, and I'm like, "God, FIX THAT NOW!!!!" And a few sheepish seconds later, I add a meek, humble, "Please..."

My emotions are depleted when I think of the YEARS I have spent trying to get out of depression and OCD, and I turn to Jesus and say, with tears in my eyes, "Jesus, PLEASE, heal me NOW!!!!"

When I think of this lady I know, who is getting a divorce, and how her life with her husband and her two adorable little girls is going to be RIPPED apart, and how she is going to have to get a job, and how her little girls (for the sake of privacy, I'll call them Ella and Genevieve) are hardly ever going to see their daddy anymore... Ella is three--almost four! I'm pretty sure she can understand a little of it, anyway, and this is going to crush her. And Genevieve? Genevieve is about 8 months old. She never even got to see the good side of her daddy. It makes me sick. And my friend--I'll call her Anna--acts like nothing is going on. I can understand that she doesn't want to share and if she just wants to mourn inside of herself, for what she is losing, but it sounds like she doesn't even care that she is losing her husband. And it makes me sick. And I'm like, "Jesus, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE do something!!!!"

And today I found out someone DIED at the Olympics during an event for the Luge (Louge? Can you tell I don't watch the Olympics? haha), and he flew over the rail, and, going 90-some miles an hour, he flew into a metal pole and died, instantly, I guess. I almost started crying at my dinner table. And just thinking about it now, I'm like, "Jesus, why aren't you doing anything?!"

And this week, my one friend who I will call Krista... she has a sweet little girl who is seven who I'll call Hazel. She had twins in December--Claire and Zavier--who are just as adorable. She and her amazing hubby, Danny, were in the process of adopting FOUR children. They had already finished the paperwork for the two one-year-old twin little boys--Caleb and Hudson--and they were officially Krista's and Danny's. :) And they were in the process of adopting two precious little girls, Liliana (about three months old), and her big sister, Ari... I was so excited for this amazing family, because I could only IMAGINE growing up in such an amazingly big, loving, sweet Christian family. Caleb's and Hudson's birth family have been saying they want the boys back, though, and they were so tired from fighting over it that they decided that right now they just can't take it, emotionally, adopting ANY of them. So Caleb and Hudson are going back to their birth family (who it sounds like will take good care of them, even though they gave the boys up for adoption at the beginning), and Krista's friend is adopting Liliana and Ari. And Krista is so torn on the inside and she came to me so sad about it all, and I am sickened that these sorts of things actually HAPPEN to children. :/ And I was like, "JESUS WHY is this happening?! DO something!!!!!"

And all these things happen, and these are just a few examples I know of, and I don't understand it. But when I hear this song, I don't hear that Jesus isn't doing anything, but that if I wait on Jesus, everything will be perfect one day.

And today, that's what I need to hear. :)

Anyway, so happy weekend!

:)

Till next time,
Ash the (Weary) Dreamer

Love Is...

You know, for the longest time, my "dream blog" was to write this blog with this list of what love is. Like, "love is watching dora the explorer with your niece when she's sick and can't sleep... love is washing the dishes when your momma is to weary to... love is leaving your sister alone when she threatens to rip your head off..." haha.

I thought of trying to actually write that blog tonight, but it always comes out wrong. I don't know why.

That, and all I can think of is this one thought:

Love is loving an orphan enough to give them a home and a mommy.

I don't know how passionate you are about orphans, but besides fulfilling Jesus' will for my life and being a missionary for at least a while, adopting orphans is pretty much the highest thing on my list of things that need to be done. :)

And I dunno--lately, I have just fallen in love with orphans everywhere more than ever before. (Is it totally weird to fall in love with children I've never met before?!!) I just googled "European orphans" (because I would love to adopt from either Europe or domestically here in America), and my heart completely melted.

I mean, I just don't understand it. Half the time it makes me sick; the other half it makes me want to weep or be filled with anger. I don't understand how so many MILLIONS of children can be without a mommy and a daddy. I don't understand why people do not want to be the mommy and daddy for these children. I don't understand why the price of adoption is so high. I don't understand why everyone I talk to about adoption tries to keep me from adopting when I am actually old enough and mature enough to handle it. I don't understand why parents CHOOSE to NOT choose their children. They're so beautiful and lovely--WHY do they do that? I don't understand it.

I can't wait until the moment when I get to start the process of adopting my own future children... I don't know where they are, and I don't know how old they are, and I don't know what nation they call home right now, and I don't know the color of their hair or their eyes or if their smile is crooked or if their teeth are perfectly straight or if they love stories like I do or science like my mommy does... I know only one thing about them: that I love them dearly, and that I can't wait to meet them.

So tonight, there are a LOT of things about love that I DON'T know.

But tonight, this is what I know about love. Love is a choice. Love is beautiful. Love is looking into the expectant and lonely eyes of an orphan and crying tears of joy. Love is choosing to leave depression and OCD in the dust for the hope and joy and future of my children. Love is dreaming. Love is beating the odds.

And love is triumph.

One day, I will have my adopted children, and I will tell you ALL about my beautiful children and how they became my children, and I can promise you that they will all be named utterly GORGEOUS names (hehe!), and they will be loved so incredibly much.

Till next time,
Ash the (Inspired) Dreamer

Will You Be My Valentine?

:)

Hello!

Valentine's Day was never my big thing. I never saw the point in giving valentines cards, because nobody really wanted to give them to me in elementary school, and I didn't have an abundance of friends to ask if they would be my valentine.

That, and my parents wouldn't let me date until I was sixteen, so I didn't even try to care about it.

Nearly six years after the day I was officially allowed to date, and I still haven't had one, so I guess I just don't see the hype.

I love the idea of falling in love and having a special someone. :) But I'm okay if I don't.

So dear readers of my blog, even if you're completely in love and about to get married, or if you're about to be wallowing in your own self pity, will you be my treasured friend on February 14? I'll make you smile and we will laugh and be happy to be alive, and it will be a good day. :)

Life hasn't felt very good lately, I have to admit.

I know I told you to keep me joyful, and I am joyful, but sometimes life doesn't feel that way. Does that make any sense?

I just got an email from a dear friend. She said that tonight there was a shoot out in her old high school. Officials think it's gang-related. That makes me so sad.

Depression and OCD have tried to ruin my life, and that makes me very confused and sad and mad and angry and weary.

My best friend in the whole world (besides Jesus), my little sister, Becca, isn't here. If I asked her to be my valentine, I think she would laugh at me and say I was ridiculous. :) I love my little sister, haha. And it makes me sad that she's not here right now.

Another friend of mine--one of her best friends and former neighbors suddenly died last week, without any rhyme or reason, just keeled over and died, leaving behind her loving husband and two children. That makes me sad.

My friend's husband lost his job recently, and they are left trying to care for SEVEN children, four of which are either adopted or are being adopted right now, two of which are in the hospital because their parents didn't know how to take care of them before they gave them up for adoption.

I just saw a video about adoption tonight, and it positively made me quiver on the inside. I wanted to go raid every orphanage in the whole world and say, "Dearies, come live with me... I will show you love and be your mommy." That made me really sad.

And I think of churches that are closing, and wives that are being abused, and soldiers that are dying without the respect of their nations, and girls who are raped and couples who are getting divorced for no reason other than because they are bored with their marriages and how God is disrespected and love is not honored and people commit suicide and life has become weary for some people, and it makes me really sad.

It doesn't seem like all this should be happening only days from the day that the whole world recognizes as a day of love and joy. I never really understood the hype for Valentine's day, but now I think we need it, even if it's just to see a bit of hope and joy again.

So, today, I want Someone who can actually do something about the pain in this world and the pain in my heart. This year, I want JESUS to be my Valentine, because I KNOW He can take my pain and turn it to joy. :)



So, happy valentine's day, friend. :) And wherever you are, may you find love and joy and hope. :)

Until next time,
Ash the (Loved) Dreamer

Grandma

I positively LOVE my grandmother.

She's so silly and adorable.

My mom says that children don't think that their moms are adorable, so she doesn't see it. But I think both my grandmother AND my mom are adorable, sooooo... I'm not sure what that means. Haha.

I don't talk about my Grandma very much... I'm not sure why. She is this little sweet lady in her mid-to-late eighties. She does soooo much for my family. She makes these AMAZING sweet rolls for every Sabbath morning. She does all my laundry. She loves Jesus. And she's adorable.

Hehe.

Well, today... today is the day my family celebrates time with Jesus. From sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. We have this card game called "Skip Bo", but on Sabbath we play "Bible Skip Bo". The only difference is when you lay down a Skip Bo on Sabbath, you have to say a Bible verse. It's actually quite challenging. Haha.

But my grandma and I played two games, just the two of us.

I love spending time with my grandmother. She's so sweet and wise and strong and hilarious. She laughed at me when all I got were 4 cards (cards with the number 4 on them), and I laughed at her when I won both games. :))))))

I don't know how to explain my time with her--just that I love it so much. It is like being completely safe and free. After nearly bursting into tears in my Creative Writing class this afternoon (the stupid professor tried to take me down memory lane through every single day that I was depressed. Stupid man should know better than to make me do that in the middle of a class of about 25 total strangers!), I really needed that. It made me feel safe and free and whole again.

I'm so glad that Jesus is here to give us just what we need, just when we need it. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Refreshed) Dreamer

Stained Glass Masquerade

Till next time,
Ash the (Thinking) Dreamer

my bucket list.

my mommy up and decided to make her bucket list today. i'm not quite sure why, but i find it interesting.

so i figured i would post my own bucket list.

seeing that i dream these crazy dreams, my bucket list is already inordinately LONG (haha), so i'll spare you the hour-long post by only posting some of my very favorites. :)

1. adopt two little girlies (from romania?).

2. become fluent in french.

3. publish a beautiful novel. (this is the very minimum... i desperately want to publish a million of my stories, not just one measly novel!)

4. be a missionary for at least a year in an orphanage (preferrably in europe).

5. visit prague.

6. find true love.

7. bake cookies for the wordfm (my favorite radio station) and visit with the staff.

8. pray with some of my favorite bands/artists (i'm so weird, i know!).

9. get involved in a youth group.

10. sponsor a little girlie from compassion international.

those are the big ones, right now, anyway. i'm sure there are a million other ones, that i'm crazy passionate about, but i can't think of them right now, and i don't want to put down stuff that don't matter immensely to me. :)

anyway, happy weekend, everyone! :)

till next time,
ash the (determined) dreamer

Happy New Year's Eve! :)

happy new year's eve, everybody! :]

i love this hour. like Christmas eve, it just seems so very magical for me.

i just finished watching the proposal with my parents and my sisters. my grandmother's asleep, and the rest of my family is downstairs, watching the new year's eve coverage.

i don't do that, though.

i don't know why everyone parties on new year's eve.

i stay home.

in a dark room.

and i listen to music and pray. sometimes write. like tonight. :]



i love this picture. i think these two little girl's are just so adorable. i don't know much about the future, but, baring any major interruptions, i will adopt two little girls. most likely from romania. or possibly the czech republic, if i'm allowed. right now, their names are bella and liliana. it helps keep the dream alive, to be able to give them names.

have you ever had dreams for living for Jesus?

i mean, sometimes i feel so alone in my dreams. i don't know if it's true or not, but a lot of times, nobody really shares my dreams around me, anyway. my mom's too practical. my dad's too scarred by life. my siblings... i don't know how to define it, but they just haven't really caught the vision yet. all the kids in my church don't seem to care. the adults in my church are too occupied with "looking good" and keeping up appearances, rather than moving mountains for Jesus. my coworkers, for the most part, loathe Jesus. as do most of my fellow students at my college. have you ever felt alone in your dreams?

i have.

but tonight, i have to voice my dreams. i have to make them real. i need them to be a pact between Jesus and me and a witness to know it's true.

i want to adopt (at least) two little girls from europe. probably romania. i WANT to do that now, but apparently dreams have to be grounded somewhat. i wish i could fly to europe and take in every orphan and give them love and home and a sweet future.

i want to become a beloved author. i want to write novels that make people think, that make people love, that make people laugh and cry and snort in their laughter, that make people change, that make people revolutionize.

i want to be a missionary. i never really thought this would be something i want to do. but i do. i want to go to europe (or if God calls me elsewhere, there too) and do whatever job i am hired for--teach english, love orphans, preach the Gospel, pray with lonely hearts, hold Bible studies, make friends... whatever! i don't care anymore. i just want to go. i don't know how i'm going to get there, but if i knew the language, i would leave right now, pack my bags, buy a ticket, go, and love.

i. want. to. change. the. world.

how hard it is for me to write this with the passion that i feel. i want to go and i want to love and i want to completely reveal the truth and the revolutionizing love of Jesus. i want to be a teenager's best friend, and give them hope and light their world on fire. i want to help an old lady with her groceries. i want to help a single momma babysit her little kiddies. i want to pray with the ragged. i want to hug the weary.

sometimes i cry. sometimes i cry for orphans and soldiers' families and people ragged by the effects of depression and weary single mommas and lonely and abused children and struggling heroes who fight for the helpless and soldiers who are underpaid and underappreciated. sometimes i cry because of the state of this world, the way half of the world doesn't have anyone to hug them and hold them when they're lonely. sometimes i cry because i forget to love these people. sometimes i cry because sometimes i forget to be the hands and feet of Jesus. sometimes i cry because i want to be the hands and feet of Jesus but sometimes i don't know how.

sometimes i cry because i am me and Jesus feels so far away, and we need Jesus right here. and right NOW.

and sometimes, i get chills because i feel Jesus here, with me and you and your friends and my friends as we dance and laugh and cry and curse and sleep and work and love and lose. and that's what matters the most of all.

sometimes i finally get it right, and i am for Jesus and i am for the lost.

this year, i want to get it right.

this year, i want to be Jesus to the world.

and this year, i want to live my dreams.

God help me, i will.

i will not just be a dreamer--i WILL change the world, and people will see me in heaven and cry because my tears didn't paralyze me from loving them.

oh, God, help me to be that girl.

amen.

till next time (and next year!),
ash the (determined) dreamer

My 10

Apparently, I'm a better blogger than I thought, because a week or two ago, I was awarded! Whoda thunk it? :]

Anyway, now I'm supposed to post 10 things about me and then award my own favorite blogs. :)

Anyways, so here we go! :)

1. Something I enjoy: the show Chuck. Seriously. It's so funny and sweet and loveable! :) I mean, who wouldn't love a story about a computer-geek turned CIA spy?! :))))



2. Something that changed my life: Pastor Sergio Manente. He is seriously THE coolest pastor/teacher in the whole world. He taught leadership classes in my high school, and from his ministry, I just gained so much confidence in myself, learned the path I wanted for my life, saw the path of Christianity as a passion, and learned how to be a leader for Jesus. He's seriously amazing, y'all. :)



3. Something I find funny: my brother Buddy. Seriously, I can't spend five minutes around him without laughing! He's so funny--and usually his jokes are at my expense, but after nearly 20 years of this, I'm learning to see past it. :)



4. Something I want: Can I say two things? Pretty please? Because it's like two dreams that are so infused into who I am that it just feels like one big ache for it to come true. :) Firstly, I want to be a missionary to Europe. Probably at an orphanage. :) Secondly, I would LOVE to have at LEAST two girls, maybe more, with at least two of them adopted, and the perfect hubby to match. :) I'm afraid it's too much to ask for, but gah, I want it so bad! :(



(Switzerland--the one country I want to see more than just about ANYWHERE in the whole wide world!)



(just an adorable little girl!)

5. Something I confess: everyday I have to deal with clinical depression and OCD. And those horrible diseases bring me down every single day. And they sicken me. I HATE depression and OCD. I would love nothing more than if they were MURDERED for FOREVER. They destroy my joy and keep me from the path Jesus destined for me, and I can't imagine anything uglier than depression and OCD. I won't post a picture, because it's just so ugly. :|

6. Something that rocks my socks: these two little girls in my church. Their names are Delaney and Kylee, and they melt my heart every day I see them. They melt and heal my heart every single weekend, and I LOVE children because I met them one September day in the year of 2008. :) Laney's almost 4, and I think Kylee's around three. :)



(This is Laney! Since I just got my new laptop this Thursday, I don't have a picture for Kylee to show you, but this is Laney!)

7. Something about me that might confuse you: I guess the biggest confusion to people is my dreams. I guess they just don't see that many dreamers like me, so they don't see how my life can be aimed toward things that are so impossible to achieve, but I'm okay with that. :) Some people don't understand why I want to be a missionary to Europe and take care of orphans when I could be a prestigious professor at an ivy league college with my brain. Some people don't understand why I want to open an orphanage and why I want to be a writer and a mom and a bookstore owner and a speaker and travel the world and bring hope and work for nothing so that I can bring just a wee bit of hope to the world. But then again, if you don't have big, change-the-world, Jesus dreams inside of you, then there's no way in the whole world that you'll understand me! :)

8. Something that makes me soooo happy: My sweet baby sister, Lea. She's so adorable, and she's graduating from 8th grade this year, and I'm just so proud of her, and I'm just so very glad I've had the treasure of this year to spend with just her and my parents this year, just to get to know her a little bit better (since I've been in boarding school most of her life). She's so sweet and smart and adorable, and she's gonna make the most kick-butt, awesome, heady, LOVELY combination of a lady of God that you won't have a CLUE what hit you when you meet this sweet little thing! :) Anyway, I just had to brag about her. :) Cuz she's AMAZING. :)



9. Something that I currently find amazing: that Jesus, in His vast greatness and mercy, chooses to use me and bless me and LOVE me in the middle of those moments that I feel completely UNLOVEABLE. Jesus takes my breath away EVERYDAY, but on those days when depression ruins and crushes my life and I feel like compressed, contorted, ugly, rejected, grotesque trash after Satan pushes me down so much that I can barely see hope shining, on those days when Jesus comes shining into my life and holds me in His arms and whispers promises of joy and hope and grace and dreams and I see a glimpse of what I can be for Him, THAT is what rocks my world. :)



10. Something I'm thankful for: for LIFE. Through the ups and downs, through the rights and wrongs, Jesus still gave me this opportunity, and I plan to make the very most of it! :)

:]

Thanks so much for stinkin' through the mess that is me right now. :) And thanks to those of you that actually do read my blog. :) I feel so incredibly honored that you do. :)

And to award my favorite blogs... um, well, I would honor Jen from here, but she was the one who awarded me, so I guess that doesn't work. :*(

I don't really follow that many other blogs--just another Jen--Jenny Simmons from Addison Road, but I doubt she'll ever see this. :) Anywho, even if she doesn't see it, you should check out her blog. :) Just go to www.jennysimmons.com. :)

Happy weekend, everybody!

(Oh, and soon I'll post pictures of my new computer! She's so lovely. *grin* I'm currently looking to name her, and all I've got is Evey or Sylvie as ideas, so if you have an ingenious one, leave me a message!)

Till next time,
Ash the (Grateful) Dreamer

worst week ever...

I know I said I would be back tomorrow, but I only have one class today, and I'm kinda hiding from the real world right now.

Probably just my overdramatic self taking things way out of proportion, but I just have to step back and be able to see how overdramatic I'm really being, and I'm pretty sure nothing major is happening in my lit class today. Besides, it started 45 minutes ago, and I'm a mess.

Yesterday one of my bosses talked to me about not doing my job right, and I guess I just wasn't seeing things that needed to be done, and she was thinking that I was all lazy and it was just a mess. Have you ever cried in front of your boss? Yeah.

EMBARRASSING!!!!

Anyway, she's going to try and get the managers to help me so I can be a better worker, but there was just stuff at that time that I really didn't know how to say, so I feel like I got a bunch of heat that really didn't need to be put under my rear, but whatever.

My mom's been so sweet about everything, and when I told her, she told me about how once one of her bosses told her that she was basically the weakest link in the whole production, and she bawled like a baby, so I don't feel TERRIBLE. I just cried all the way home, and I can't stop crying now! Gah, it's so annoying.

But then last night I had a dream that after helping the people in the show Numb3rs (aka, my new favorite TV show!) solve this crazy case on a beach somewhere (it was really weird, like a mix between Lost and Numb3rs, and I didn't know what was going on, lol!), I came home, and for some reason, my name was Arianne. Not sure why, but it was. I'm cool with that, though, because Arianne's probably my second favorite name right now, just after Eliza. :) Anyway, my parents didn't even TALK to me about this, but they said, "Oh, you have a letter waiting for you in our room." So I read the letter, and it basically said that my parents were tired of me not taking responsibility for myself and they were so tired of all my emotional problems (aka my depression and OCD) that they weren't going to put up with it much longer, and they were going to kick me out of the house just before the next school year started. Gah, what kind of dream is THAT?! I think I was crying in my dream, too, and so now I'm freaking out and reevaluating my life and such, and it doesn't help that my dad actually said that in real life... that if I didn't get my act together I could just leave.

Gah.

Anyway, so if I missed my lit powerpoint presentation, you know why. I feel like I'm a ROYAL MESS. :/

But out of all of this, I am learning that I've been taking the easy road, and even though I keep saying all these things about following Jesus, I've been going my own way, and I'm trying to come back to Him and make Him proud.

Pray for me, if you read this.

Because, well, GAH, I need it SOOOO much right now! :/

Until next time,
Ash the (Tearful) Dreamer

just been thinking about different things today... thinking like the ashley i used to be, and it makes me feel free. some of the things i thought today...

my Bible study was so freeing last night. i don't even remember what that Psalm was about... i just remember feeling so healed, when i finished reading it. it helped that i had just watched a horrifically heart-draining episode of law and order criminal intent (no more for me! too much of the depressing part of the world!), and i was left feeling hopeless about life, the world, and Christianity... and Jesus fueled my heart. :)

i think i want to look into seeing if babysitting during my out-of-school hours would pay enough money to get me through college. doubt it, but it would be nice, and i would feel like i'm actually doing something fulfilling, rather than filling taco shells and taking people's orders... so tired of taco bell. and i want to be around kids so much more...

everyone that i talk to about falling in love says that it'll happen and i'll meet the right guy... i don't want to get desperate or obsessive, but i do wonder, who will that right guy be? and how in the world will i know? and even more, HOW IN THE WORLD WILL I FIND HIM?! i dream of falling in love... maybe it's just not for me. is falling in love just not for some people?

what is going to public school full-time like? i'm scared to be that immersed in such a secular culture. i hope and pray i can find a good ally to help me through it. :)

i hope i made Jesus proud today. i try. i try not to complain like Philippians 2 calls me to, and i try to be cheerful and pure in heart and kind and loving, and i try to put Jesus first... i try to do what (as far as i know) will make Jesus proud of me. i hope i succeeded today...

i can't wait to continue eliza's and noah's story. it's so epic--i just know it! i went and messed it up, and i've been praying that if God can still use it and if He still wants to use it, that He will, and i've been trying to wait on Him, but i want to write it so bad! i miss those hours of crafting eliza's and noah's lives...

i hope i can be a full-time author someday. that would be absolutely lovely and exquisite...

most of all, i thought of what it would be like to change lives today... to, life after life, impact goodness on each heart, to give hope instead of hopelessness, joy instead of strife, love instead of hatred, kindness instead of harshness, peace instead of war, Jesus instead of Satan, good instead of evil, and to, face after face, see a smile of hope... i've heard songs about how people who got to heaven and found the person responsible for planting the seed of hope, and i just want to have more people than anybody else... not because i'm conceited, but because i want Jesus glorified, and i want the best for those people...

i think i've come a long way from the darkness that i've been in... i'm not perfect, but i feel more hopeful today... hopefully, one day, i will be the girl Jesus wants me to be exactly... :)

my glorious obsession.

For the last several months--almost half a year now--I've had to deal with moderate OCD. Just figured it out recently, but I've been dealing with it for a while. And I've been shifting through the events and choices and decisions and loves in my life, and trying to sort out how to live a life full of freedom from chains. It's been a very uphill battle, but not quite as bad as clinical depression has been, which is kinda nice. :)

Anyway, so in the midst of all these obsessions, and ugh, these are the strangest things--like, half the time, I keep demanding of myself, "Ashley, WHY are THESE the things you get hung up on? What's your problem?!" lol. But in the midst of it all, I've been questioning myself and what I stand for and if I still stand for the same things that I've always stood for, and I'm learning some interesting things...

I'm finding that I thought being obsessed about God was a good thing, and I used to love Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Glorious Obsession" (it was about how he wanted to make God his only focus), but now the thought of making ANYTHING an obsession scares me not a little bit.

I am finding that the thought of being obsessed about so many things my whole life leaves me feeling weary and wondering if I will ever have a normal life outside of all these mental mumbo-jumbo--first depression, now OCD... what's next? I won't say what I'm thinking, just because I'm too afraid that I'll jinx myself! :*(((

And because of the obsessions, I'm left wondering if the things I thought I always wanted are really meant for me... I mean, I always wanted to be a writer, but when I started obsessing about a story, it wasn't that same beautiful story anymore, and so I was so freaked out that I wasn't meant to be a writer anymore. And I am just so excited for the day that Jesus brings true love and my happily-ever-after into my life, but because I obsessed about finding love and falling in love, I was actually revolted by the idea of getting into a relationship and falling in love.

I am finding that OCD is soooooo much worse than I thought it ever would be! I mean, they don't tell you about the emotional side-effects when you learn about OCD in seventh grade. Just that you have to check to make sure you turned the lights of 20 times each night. But not the emotional baggage that comes with it!

Most of all, I'm finding that I miss the peace of presence of that verse in Psalms 46... the one where it says to be still and know that God is God. And I totally want to know where in the world that peace of mind was in the middle of thinking I was going crazy!

You may not have OCD or depression, but you may be struggling with something else.

So stop.

Be still.

And know that God is still God. God will ALWAYS be God. And no matter what, there is no reason to freak out.

I just wish it was just as easy to live it out as it is to blog it at my kitchen table. :*(

Till next time,

Ash the (Changing) Dreamer

Maggie

Tonight, I want to tell you a story about a little girl named Maggie.

I met Maggie in a mall between Allentown and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, I believe. When I was shopping for insoles for my work shoes, so I could actually walk and drive home after I finished work every day. :)

Maggie, I think, was about two years old, with precious blond hair and bright blue eyes, and an adorable little smile. Scratch that part about only her blond hair being precious. SHE was precious. Such a cute little girl. I would be honored to take care of her any day, or even throw her up in the air and hear her precious little giggle or color pictures with her in Sabbath School. She was one of the most ADORABLE little girls I have EVER seen in my life. And I really mean it this time. (*grin*)

Anyway, so she was with her daddy when I walked into the store with my mom and dad, and she was toddling around the store like adorable little girls do when they are 24 months old and the love of every heart. The dad was looking at shoes, and he called to her (at this time I didn't know her name... And I adore the name Maggie... so my adoration of her grew twofold as soon as I heard her name, lol.)... "Maggie! Maggie, c'mere..." And she turned and looked at her daddy and she grinned. I can't imagine what it's like to be be the recipient of such a precious grin, when that grin comes from your own child. I think it would break my heart and mend it a million times in one second. One look like that, and I would be willing to die for that child. Believe me. I'm a sucker for kids.

So then little Maggie ran the few feet to her father and ran into his arms, and she clung to him like he was her life support when he lifted her to his side.

And then, he led her over to the pair of shoes he was considering. "Maggie, do you think Daddy should get these shoes?"

And while Maggie clung to her daddy's side, she grinned at him with all of her heart, her eyes, and her face and her mouth, and she proclaimed, "No..." But her eyes twinkled and her heart laughed.

So, in good humor, her daddy moved to another pair of shoes. "What about these, Maggie? Should Daddy buy these?"

Again... "No!!!" :) She was so precious.

I had to continue on my way to find relief for my poor feet on the road I travel, but in that moment, I saw the beauty of the relationship between a little girl and her daddy. And oh, how I want Maggie's easiness with her father to be the way I treat my Heavenly Father.

Till next time,
Ash the (Hopeful) Dreamer

free

i am free. i always used to try and imagine what it meant to someone who hadn't always been free to be able to say that they were free.

but tonight i know the feeling.

this is probably the most petty thing in the world, but this has been a truly long week for me. :*( since i have returned from going to school in the midwest, i have been used to basically working about 25 hours a week (at the most), and only about 4 days a week. a pretty relaxed lifestyle. :) this week, however, they scheduled me for SIX DAYS, but not only that... i think i almost worked FORTY-FIVE HOURS this week. almost DOUBLE what i'm used to. so that, alone, set me on edge. working six days in a row. long hours. crazy lines of people at taco bell (why doesn't anybody take the driveway just before ours, and go to wendys?). so that was pretty bad. but not only that... i've been stressing about school a little bit, and i've really been missing my little sister who's away for the summer, working at a Christian camp. that's all cool and everything, but i've really missed her. :*( so lots has been going on, and i just felt imprisoned by my schedule. :*(

but now... now i feel free. granted, i probably don't feel like a slave felt after they were freed, but i still feel pretty stinkin' good!

i usually try and blog about what i want to reflect on during a holiday weekend, or in the case of Christmas, a whole month, but only one freeing Revolutionary matters to me tonight--not Ben Franklin, John Hancock, George Washington, or Samuel Adams. None of them changed my life personally. But Jesus did when He died.

So Jesus is the Revolutionary I celebrate tonight, as I worship on this Sabbath day. I celebrate Jesus, because He is the One who died for me. He is the One that let go of Himself, so I could reach my full potential. He is the One that rescued me and set my heart on fire. Even as I say all these things, the words seem void of meaning, because Jesus cannot be limited to words.

So today, I celebrate Jesus, for ALL He does. :)

On my way home from work today, I saw a humongous bird (not sure what it was; my brother says it could've been a golden eagle) take flight from the side of the road, and it narrowly missed my windshield before soaring above the towering trees. It was a majestic thing. I remember being in awe, just watching it, but being also so glad that I didn't collide with it...

And I, like that bird, am about to take flight to be free, narrowly missing all the dangers I have faced, but ready, oh so ready, to soar. :)

Ash the (Freed) Dreamer

my favoritest little girls... :)

Delaney. That's my favoritest little girl's name. :) She's so adorable. She melts my heart every time I see her... I love her little sister--Kylie--too... Laney and Kylie. I hope their parents don't mind that I love them almost as much as they do. :)

So I actually have a story today... well, I'm going to try to form it into a story, anyway. :)

I was at camp meeting today--it's like this huge gathering of the Christians in my denomination for a week and a half, and we camp out, hear great preaching, have picnics, and enjoy the time off from the world to kick back with each other and God.

This year, I wasn't anticipating it as much as other years, because this was the first camp meeting since I'd met Laney and Kylie, and I didn't think they'd be there. Surprise! They were there today. :) Kylie, who's about two and a half, now, I think, surprised me in the bathroom, and I hung out with her while the lady taking care of her went toily--:). We spun around in circles and I threw her in the air, getting that precious smile out of her. :) She had to leave again, though, so I was really looking forward to seeing Laney a little later, after church was over.

I wasn't disappointed. When I went to the back of the gymnasium (it's held on a school campus) to get a bulletin, Laney spotted me, and the pure look of glee on her face overwhelmed me. :) I couldn't help smiling. "Hi, Laney!" I whispered and waved, and kept going. I knew I would talk to her later. :)

After church, I got to take her to her car--which I do a lot. :) When she saw me, she ran to me and I lifted her into my arms--I'm finding that little girls in my arms is one of the most precious cargoes I could carry ever. :) We talked as we jostled through the crowd, and she was holding my umbrella when we got outside... The way she looked at me with such an innocent face, her face all lit up in the joy of the moment, and proclaimed, "It's not rainin'!" :)))) My heart is taken. lol. :)

But I was just thinking... Laney and Kylie love people so easily... so it's easy for them to love my sisters and me. And Jesus loves us all first... and He calls us to come to Him as little children--why aren't we as eager to come to Jesus as Laney and Kylie are eager to come to my sisters Leah, Becca, and me? I don't know the answer to that--we all have our different answers.

But lately I've been working on not having to answer that question--because I will greet Jesus like Laney and Kylie greet me. That would be wonderful. I pray that I will do that one day very soon. :) I hope you do, too. :)

Happy weekend!
Ash the (loved) Dreamer

:)

The Voyage of Beliefs (FM Static)

I have 2 brothers and a sister, and a mother,
And a father who taught us that we should
All love one another,
We go to church on Sunday,
In a little green hyundai,
Have some grape juice and crackers,
Then we start again on Monday

And it's all fine, and it's all well,
I really want to find what I believe for myself,
'Cause when you're gone,
And I'm still here,
I won't have you to tell me that I should be there

I'm tired of making excuses(oh oh oh),
Need to decide for myself...

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
When I'm on my way to You,
What if I need You? Who do I call?
How do I know I'll get through?
Because I don't wanna ride the fence anymore.
I wanna stand up, and shout it,
And let it be known

I have 2 fathers, and a sister and a brother,
And a mother who taught us that we should
All do unto others,
My homeroom teacher, always talks about her preacher
And she says she talks to God,
But I don't know if I believe her

And it's all fine, and it's all well,
I really want to find what I believe for myself,
'Cause when you're gone,
And I'm still here,
I won't have you to tell me that I should be there

I'm tired of making excuses(oh oh oh),
Need to decide for myself...

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
When I'm on my way to You,
What if I need You? Who do I call?
How do I know I'll get through?
Because I don't wanna ride the fence anymore.
I wanna stand up, and shout it,
And let it be known

And you can tell me,
That I can't make a difference 'cause I'm just one,
But one is all it takes to start it
And you can tell me,
That I can't change the world,
Because I'm too young,
But I won't stand here and be your target
And you can push me,
And try to knock me down, but I won't listen,
'Cause I've got nothing left to lose and,
You can hate me, for everything I'm not,
But it won't change this,
'Cause now that I'm here, I'm not moving

I'm tired of making excuses(oh oh oh),
Need to decide for myself...

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
When I'm on my way to You,
What if I need You? Who do I call?
How do I know I'll get through?
Because I don't wanna ride the fence anymore.
I wanna stand up, and shout it,
And let it be known

These are just the lyrics for a song that's really been makin' me think tonight. Thought I'd share. :) You can hear the song on myspace.com/fmstatic

ash the (musical) dreamer

on this day...

today is my little sister's birthday. it seems so strange not to celebrate it. :*( every year, we bring out the watermelon and the ice cream cake and her favorite meals and we go shopping for her favorite things, and my mom worries if the clothes she bought won't be fashionable enough... and i just laugh at it all.

but this year, spunky, lively, happy, thoughtful, smart, beautiful, lovely rebecca eileen richards is not with me. :*( everyone says we all have to grow up at one point, and i know it's true. but in many ways, becca has been my best friend and my greatest ally throughout my whole life. and on this day that i most want to be with her... we are miles away, and she's lonely. :*( it's enough to make me cry.

true, the house is quieter this summer (she's working at a summer camp halfway across the state, being a lifeguard, helping in the kitchen, and teaching gymnastics), but i ache for her spunky livelihood. :*( she's my sister, but she's so much more than that.

so today, don't take advantage of those relationships you have. i never imagined that i would have to worry about losing becca. i figured we would always be with each other and have each other. i knew we had rough patches sometimes, but we always worked through them. i took advantage of becca. :*( i never stopped to think that there would be a day that she wouldn't be with me. and now i don't know how to adjust for the rest of my life, the rest of my life, where becca and i will hardly live under the same roof ever again. :*( don't underappreciate the relationships you have. they are precious. don't forget to hug your mom even when you think you hate her, or to listen to your dad, even when his advice makes you want to scream. indulge your grandmother. appreciate your friends. you never know if they'll be gone.

becca's not really gone... i mean, i was texting her all night, and she'll be back in a month or two... but any one of our loved ones could be gone forever, in an instant. so don't take them for granted. appreciate them. love them. please.

so you don't end up crying while you're blogging in the dark on a friday evening.

:)

So here's to you, becca. may we never forget. if you ever read this, just know that as your big sister, i am CRAZY about you, and if you ever drop off the face of this earth, i will hunt you down until i see your face again. cuz i love you. like crazy. :)

that's all i have to say tonight.
Happy Sabbath!!!!

till the next time,
ash the (nostalgic) dreamer