John 1

Hello.

I'm kinda busy and tired, but everytime I read something so revolutionary that it blows my mind from Scripture, I just HAVE to share it! So here I am.

Please, please go read John 1. Here's the link, even! :]

Goodness, as I read it, it was like truth over truth... sweet holiness over mercy, sweaping my heart to be so overwhelmed that I don't even know what words to say.

There was one verse that says, "For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace."

MMM.

Life has felt like that lately. Tonight, anyway. Grace upon grace.

That's what I pray for you today, friend. :]

Till next time,
Ash the (Graced) Dreamer

My 10

Apparently, I'm a better blogger than I thought, because a week or two ago, I was awarded! Whoda thunk it? :]

Anyway, now I'm supposed to post 10 things about me and then award my own favorite blogs. :)

Anyways, so here we go! :)

1. Something I enjoy: the show Chuck. Seriously. It's so funny and sweet and loveable! :) I mean, who wouldn't love a story about a computer-geek turned CIA spy?! :))))



2. Something that changed my life: Pastor Sergio Manente. He is seriously THE coolest pastor/teacher in the whole world. He taught leadership classes in my high school, and from his ministry, I just gained so much confidence in myself, learned the path I wanted for my life, saw the path of Christianity as a passion, and learned how to be a leader for Jesus. He's seriously amazing, y'all. :)



3. Something I find funny: my brother Buddy. Seriously, I can't spend five minutes around him without laughing! He's so funny--and usually his jokes are at my expense, but after nearly 20 years of this, I'm learning to see past it. :)



4. Something I want: Can I say two things? Pretty please? Because it's like two dreams that are so infused into who I am that it just feels like one big ache for it to come true. :) Firstly, I want to be a missionary to Europe. Probably at an orphanage. :) Secondly, I would LOVE to have at LEAST two girls, maybe more, with at least two of them adopted, and the perfect hubby to match. :) I'm afraid it's too much to ask for, but gah, I want it so bad! :(



(Switzerland--the one country I want to see more than just about ANYWHERE in the whole wide world!)



(just an adorable little girl!)

5. Something I confess: everyday I have to deal with clinical depression and OCD. And those horrible diseases bring me down every single day. And they sicken me. I HATE depression and OCD. I would love nothing more than if they were MURDERED for FOREVER. They destroy my joy and keep me from the path Jesus destined for me, and I can't imagine anything uglier than depression and OCD. I won't post a picture, because it's just so ugly. :|

6. Something that rocks my socks: these two little girls in my church. Their names are Delaney and Kylee, and they melt my heart every day I see them. They melt and heal my heart every single weekend, and I LOVE children because I met them one September day in the year of 2008. :) Laney's almost 4, and I think Kylee's around three. :)



(This is Laney! Since I just got my new laptop this Thursday, I don't have a picture for Kylee to show you, but this is Laney!)

7. Something about me that might confuse you: I guess the biggest confusion to people is my dreams. I guess they just don't see that many dreamers like me, so they don't see how my life can be aimed toward things that are so impossible to achieve, but I'm okay with that. :) Some people don't understand why I want to be a missionary to Europe and take care of orphans when I could be a prestigious professor at an ivy league college with my brain. Some people don't understand why I want to open an orphanage and why I want to be a writer and a mom and a bookstore owner and a speaker and travel the world and bring hope and work for nothing so that I can bring just a wee bit of hope to the world. But then again, if you don't have big, change-the-world, Jesus dreams inside of you, then there's no way in the whole world that you'll understand me! :)

8. Something that makes me soooo happy: My sweet baby sister, Lea. She's so adorable, and she's graduating from 8th grade this year, and I'm just so proud of her, and I'm just so very glad I've had the treasure of this year to spend with just her and my parents this year, just to get to know her a little bit better (since I've been in boarding school most of her life). She's so sweet and smart and adorable, and she's gonna make the most kick-butt, awesome, heady, LOVELY combination of a lady of God that you won't have a CLUE what hit you when you meet this sweet little thing! :) Anyway, I just had to brag about her. :) Cuz she's AMAZING. :)



9. Something that I currently find amazing: that Jesus, in His vast greatness and mercy, chooses to use me and bless me and LOVE me in the middle of those moments that I feel completely UNLOVEABLE. Jesus takes my breath away EVERYDAY, but on those days when depression ruins and crushes my life and I feel like compressed, contorted, ugly, rejected, grotesque trash after Satan pushes me down so much that I can barely see hope shining, on those days when Jesus comes shining into my life and holds me in His arms and whispers promises of joy and hope and grace and dreams and I see a glimpse of what I can be for Him, THAT is what rocks my world. :)



10. Something I'm thankful for: for LIFE. Through the ups and downs, through the rights and wrongs, Jesus still gave me this opportunity, and I plan to make the very most of it! :)

:]

Thanks so much for stinkin' through the mess that is me right now. :) And thanks to those of you that actually do read my blog. :) I feel so incredibly honored that you do. :)

And to award my favorite blogs... um, well, I would honor Jen from here, but she was the one who awarded me, so I guess that doesn't work. :*(

I don't really follow that many other blogs--just another Jen--Jenny Simmons from Addison Road, but I doubt she'll ever see this. :) Anywho, even if she doesn't see it, you should check out her blog. :) Just go to www.jennysimmons.com. :)

Happy weekend, everybody!

(Oh, and soon I'll post pictures of my new computer! She's so lovely. *grin* I'm currently looking to name her, and all I've got is Evey or Sylvie as ideas, so if you have an ingenious one, leave me a message!)

Till next time,
Ash the (Grateful) Dreamer

don't waste your life...

Gah, I LOVE this music video. And I figured I would share it with you! :) I'm usually not into the whole urban-music, rap thing, but I really love the meaning of this, and the way it makes me think about what life is about gives me goosebumps. :)

Anyway, happy weekend! Talk to ya next Friday! :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Empowered) Dreamer

:)

free

i am free. i always used to try and imagine what it meant to someone who hadn't always been free to be able to say that they were free.

but tonight i know the feeling.

this is probably the most petty thing in the world, but this has been a truly long week for me. :*( since i have returned from going to school in the midwest, i have been used to basically working about 25 hours a week (at the most), and only about 4 days a week. a pretty relaxed lifestyle. :) this week, however, they scheduled me for SIX DAYS, but not only that... i think i almost worked FORTY-FIVE HOURS this week. almost DOUBLE what i'm used to. so that, alone, set me on edge. working six days in a row. long hours. crazy lines of people at taco bell (why doesn't anybody take the driveway just before ours, and go to wendys?). so that was pretty bad. but not only that... i've been stressing about school a little bit, and i've really been missing my little sister who's away for the summer, working at a Christian camp. that's all cool and everything, but i've really missed her. :*( so lots has been going on, and i just felt imprisoned by my schedule. :*(

but now... now i feel free. granted, i probably don't feel like a slave felt after they were freed, but i still feel pretty stinkin' good!

i usually try and blog about what i want to reflect on during a holiday weekend, or in the case of Christmas, a whole month, but only one freeing Revolutionary matters to me tonight--not Ben Franklin, John Hancock, George Washington, or Samuel Adams. None of them changed my life personally. But Jesus did when He died.

So Jesus is the Revolutionary I celebrate tonight, as I worship on this Sabbath day. I celebrate Jesus, because He is the One who died for me. He is the One that let go of Himself, so I could reach my full potential. He is the One that rescued me and set my heart on fire. Even as I say all these things, the words seem void of meaning, because Jesus cannot be limited to words.

So today, I celebrate Jesus, for ALL He does. :)

On my way home from work today, I saw a humongous bird (not sure what it was; my brother says it could've been a golden eagle) take flight from the side of the road, and it narrowly missed my windshield before soaring above the towering trees. It was a majestic thing. I remember being in awe, just watching it, but being also so glad that I didn't collide with it...

And I, like that bird, am about to take flight to be free, narrowly missing all the dangers I have faced, but ready, oh so ready, to soar. :)

Ash the (Freed) Dreamer

Sanctus Real

Oooh, just gotta get one more story in here! :)

Sometime this week, I had this weird dream that I met Sanctus Real at some playground somewhere in the country (probably somewhere in my state, but I dunno), and from there they came to my house and helped me paint my little brother's bedroom that's already been painted. lol. VERY strange.

So when I woke up, I logged into Twitter, and this is what I wrote:

"woke up about an hour ago. :))) had this awesome dream that i got to meet sanctus real! now, if only it would come true... :))))))))"

Then, later that day, Sanctus Real responded to meeeeeeeee!!!! :) This is what they said:

"@ashthedreamer Come to a show and say Hi...dream come true"

:)

BTW, "ashthedreamer" is me. :) Hard to figure out, I know. lol.

Just wanted to share that... :)

Ash the (ecstatic) Dreamer!

The Voyage of Beliefs (FM Static)

I have 2 brothers and a sister, and a mother,
And a father who taught us that we should
All love one another,
We go to church on Sunday,
In a little green hyundai,
Have some grape juice and crackers,
Then we start again on Monday

And it's all fine, and it's all well,
I really want to find what I believe for myself,
'Cause when you're gone,
And I'm still here,
I won't have you to tell me that I should be there

I'm tired of making excuses(oh oh oh),
Need to decide for myself...

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
When I'm on my way to You,
What if I need You? Who do I call?
How do I know I'll get through?
Because I don't wanna ride the fence anymore.
I wanna stand up, and shout it,
And let it be known

I have 2 fathers, and a sister and a brother,
And a mother who taught us that we should
All do unto others,
My homeroom teacher, always talks about her preacher
And she says she talks to God,
But I don't know if I believe her

And it's all fine, and it's all well,
I really want to find what I believe for myself,
'Cause when you're gone,
And I'm still here,
I won't have you to tell me that I should be there

I'm tired of making excuses(oh oh oh),
Need to decide for myself...

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
When I'm on my way to You,
What if I need You? Who do I call?
How do I know I'll get through?
Because I don't wanna ride the fence anymore.
I wanna stand up, and shout it,
And let it be known

And you can tell me,
That I can't make a difference 'cause I'm just one,
But one is all it takes to start it
And you can tell me,
That I can't change the world,
Because I'm too young,
But I won't stand here and be your target
And you can push me,
And try to knock me down, but I won't listen,
'Cause I've got nothing left to lose and,
You can hate me, for everything I'm not,
But it won't change this,
'Cause now that I'm here, I'm not moving

I'm tired of making excuses(oh oh oh),
Need to decide for myself...

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
When I'm on my way to You,
What if I need You? Who do I call?
How do I know I'll get through?
Because I don't wanna ride the fence anymore.
I wanna stand up, and shout it,
And let it be known

These are just the lyrics for a song that's really been makin' me think tonight. Thought I'd share. :) You can hear the song on myspace.com/fmstatic

ash the (musical) dreamer

on this day...

today is my little sister's birthday. it seems so strange not to celebrate it. :*( every year, we bring out the watermelon and the ice cream cake and her favorite meals and we go shopping for her favorite things, and my mom worries if the clothes she bought won't be fashionable enough... and i just laugh at it all.

but this year, spunky, lively, happy, thoughtful, smart, beautiful, lovely rebecca eileen richards is not with me. :*( everyone says we all have to grow up at one point, and i know it's true. but in many ways, becca has been my best friend and my greatest ally throughout my whole life. and on this day that i most want to be with her... we are miles away, and she's lonely. :*( it's enough to make me cry.

true, the house is quieter this summer (she's working at a summer camp halfway across the state, being a lifeguard, helping in the kitchen, and teaching gymnastics), but i ache for her spunky livelihood. :*( she's my sister, but she's so much more than that.

so today, don't take advantage of those relationships you have. i never imagined that i would have to worry about losing becca. i figured we would always be with each other and have each other. i knew we had rough patches sometimes, but we always worked through them. i took advantage of becca. :*( i never stopped to think that there would be a day that she wouldn't be with me. and now i don't know how to adjust for the rest of my life, the rest of my life, where becca and i will hardly live under the same roof ever again. :*( don't underappreciate the relationships you have. they are precious. don't forget to hug your mom even when you think you hate her, or to listen to your dad, even when his advice makes you want to scream. indulge your grandmother. appreciate your friends. you never know if they'll be gone.

becca's not really gone... i mean, i was texting her all night, and she'll be back in a month or two... but any one of our loved ones could be gone forever, in an instant. so don't take them for granted. appreciate them. love them. please.

so you don't end up crying while you're blogging in the dark on a friday evening.

:)

So here's to you, becca. may we never forget. if you ever read this, just know that as your big sister, i am CRAZY about you, and if you ever drop off the face of this earth, i will hunt you down until i see your face again. cuz i love you. like crazy. :)

that's all i have to say tonight.
Happy Sabbath!!!!

till the next time,
ash the (nostalgic) dreamer

Holy Moments...

This is going to be a short one, since my dad will get out of the shower any minute, and then we'll be off to church. :)

I've just been thinking, over the past 24 hours or less, about holy moments that I share with God. I don't know why, but in the middle of the night, when it's all dark, with no lights, as I listen to my favorite Christian music, as it seems like my story joins the music and we all go dancing through life... those are the holiest glimpses for me... I want to have them more often.

I've been missing God lately. Not that He's never around--He always is. :))))))) But I've been making my time with Him sparse, and I'm getting really ticked off at myself, that I do this to Him. He is worth so much more, and I really wish I wouldn't get caught up in the things that don't matter--catching up on TV shows, mainly, but just wasting time in general, wasting moments on things that don't matter. For a girl who feels called to revolutionize the world, I feel like I'm backing away from my purpose. :*(

God is merciful, and I'm learning. Sometimes I feel like this perfectly purposeful life is not even for me to grasp anymore, that I've messed up too much to live so perfectly in an instant, but I'm learning that grace doesn't listen to what Jesus' foe tries to tell me. I'm so grateful for that. And you don't have to wait for things to align perfectly, either. Grace is for the taking, and GRACE is for today. Take it. Grasp it. Believe it.

I wish I had a beautiful story to go along with this, a touching story to tell that will rapture your heart and make you believe... because stories have that tendency... but all I have is last night. :) It was a beautiful night. My family had all gone to bed; I was sitting in my father's recliner, and I had just read two Psalms for my Bible study... I was thinking about how sometimes, even after I'm past depression, it still doesn't make since and I don't know why God let it happen to me.

And then I turned on JCTV (this teenager Christian TV station), and it was a bunch of music videos, and I just watched... and all of a sudden, I was there. With Jesus in the room. And Matt Hammitt singing his song, and the lights flashing, and somehow was just dancing through it all, as Jesus led. Worship. That's what life's about.

And I want to experience it more.

Till the next time (hope it's not so long!!!),

Ash the (Worshipful) Dreamer

trusting Jesus...

just wanted to post a little update since my "prayer" blog... :) life hasn't been too easy for me in the past couple days... i've been worrying way too much, probably since i don't feel like i've been listening to God's voice too much. there's some things that really mean a lot to me, and i've grown to love them incredibly, and the idea of cutting them out of my life because it's God's will is very hard for me. when i love something, i don't want to let it go...

anyway, i've just been thinking about what it means to trust in God lately, to give everything to Him and to stop trusting in myself. when i was younger, i didn't have as many complications with life and i knew right where i was going. depression complicates and confuses things a lot, and i really haven't known where i was going with a lot of things lately... i've been really trying to live life like God wants me to, but it feels so strange to listen to God completely now. a good strange, but still very different.

it makes me sick that i've lost hold of this relationship so much that i barely knew to seek it anymore...

and yet, i have a paper due tomorrow, and i really want to work on this story, but i am so adamant about not moving forward until i know God's will. and every time i think about this story that i so want to write, i'm afraid that, by even considering it, i am going against God's plan for me.

i want to seek God's will. i want to do what He has called me to do. even if it means bidding eliza and noah and hadley and amelia and james and olive and bristol and lulu and abby and grant and bailey and the baby and sam and nathan and all the other characters in this story... i just wish it was easier to hear God's voice.

has anyone else come across that? i always thought i had the answers when i was younger, that i knew just where life was headed and just the place i needed to be as it moved along, but i'm not so sure anymore. in the past couple days since my last blog, though, one thing has become CRYSTAL clear to me. i want to walk with Jesus, to follow in His footsteps and keep His commands, to follow His vision for me, and to always love like Jesus loved. i know writing stories will always be a part of who i am and what i do, but for now, i am content to watch movies with naomi and tease my brother and sisters and anticipate when my father arrives on may 6 to take me home to a beautiful hill in southeastern pennsylvania, where my heart and dreams lie. maybe that baby girl in my story will be maria. maybe i'll get to tell eliza's story. and maybe i won't. maybe i don't know where life is headed anymore.

but now i have Jesus at my side, and i know He is guiding me in the direction i need to go, and that's more than i could have said a couple of days ago.

until next time,
ash the (waiting) dreamer :)

Dear God...

Dear God,

I know this isn't the conventional sort of blog, but people should learn to expect that right now. I just need to get away and pray, and if people actually do read this, then I'm guessing that they will need to get away and pray, too! So I hope this is a reminder to them how much relationships with You matter.

Precious, precious Lord, STOP ME FROM THE CRASH COURSE I AM HEADED INTO! I mean this with all of my heart, and it is driving me crazy that I won't let myself give into Your way. All these crazy things are going on in my head, and I think I'm either about to drive myself CRAZY enough that I will do something I'll regret. And NOBODY needs that. Or, I'll just collapse because I've tried so hard to do it on my own.

Why are we so eager to try and fix things ourselves?

Jesus, half of the people that read this blog won't understand what I'm talking about for some of these things, but I know You do.

Jesus, I know You have called me to write this story about Eliza and Noah and all the others, but I'm reading WAY too much into the details of it all, and now I really REALLY don't know what I'm doing! Thank You for a few breakthroughs in the story--Lulu and Bristol are perfect additions to the cast, and the idea of James using his middle name when he gives his life over to You again--Jesus, that's ingenious and I love it. And Jesus, I thought I loved Arianne, and sometimes I think I still do, and I used to love the nn Ari, but now I don't even know anymore. I've had so many problems with that name... not really because I believe that it's the name I want instead of the name You want, but because I've been trying to force things and I've been trying to GO. MY. OWN. WAY. And that is not Your way. THAT is the heart of the problem. Maybe your plan is for me to use Arianne. Maybe your plan is for me to use Elena. Maybe Your plan is for me to keep Cara or Amelia. I don't know. But I don't want to move forward until I am walking in Your will, because everything else is throwing me off balance! And then I keep trying to push it and push it, and it's NOT working.

Jesus, help me to stop thinking about it. Help my mind to just rest in You and know that You are in control of the story about Eliza and Noah and the band Amelia and the whole story. You birthed that story a long time ago, and I know You have a magnificent plan for it, a plan to change the world. Now everybody on PC wants to read it, but I need to get right with You before I can move forward and share this gift with the world. You and me first. THEN everybody else!

And Jesus, then there's history. I've put it off too long, and I know I need to get it done, but it takes TOO MUCH TIME, and all I want to do is have a Sabbath again, since I missed it last weekend. :*( I'm sorry about that, too, Jesus. You deserve better than what I worshiped. :*(

Lord, help me to do my best for You. Help me to stop fixating on these things that don't even matter, and help me to LOVE You and WORSHIP You, and put You on the pedestal, and then everything will come.

Jesus, help me to stop fixing things. Help me to stop going crazy. I need Your peace in my life... Before I go CRAZY!

Jesus, I know You are with me, and I'm so grateful that You have heard my prayer. Guide me as I do my homework tonight, heal my wounds from falling so much, and teach me to put You first, not anything else. Amen.

(Sorry, y'all, if you didn't want to hear my prayer life... but it's something that has been really bothering me lately, and I figured it was something the whole world needs to deal with, too!)

Till next time,
Ash the (Wounded) Dreamer

The First Amazing Story of Ashley the Magnificent... lol.

This time, I actually have a good story to tell! I have to speedy-type it, though, since I have to read quite a bit for history, I wanted to be in bed by midnight, and I haven't even started yet! AHH! LOL.

Okay, so this story of Ashley the Magnificent (my self-imposed hero name) takes places very early this morning, when it had barely become this morning. I was getting ready to go beddy-bye, and I was in my bunk in my dorm room, snuggling under my beautiful pastel quilt that my mommy made me when I was ten, and listening to music and saying my evening prayers, while my roommate continued to do her homework. She had a small light on by the door, so the room was dimly lit. As I listened to a song I really liked (at this point, I have no clue what song it was; for details' sake, let's say it was "Let It Out Now" by Leeland. *grin*), I noticed a monstrous spider crawling across the ceiling of our dorm room, and getting ready to hide between the ceiling and the overhead light!

Now, Ashley the Magnificent is deathly afraid of spiders biting her in her sleep, so she screamed like the little girl she loves to pretend to be, and squealed "EWWWW!!!!" in hopes that her roommate was braver than she was. (Remind me why I am Ashley the Magnificent? lol) But alas, Kelli the Wise is even more scared of bugs than Ashley the Magnificent, so she says, "EWWWW!!!! Kill it!!!!" And she tries to hand me her flipflop! I get a vaguely confused look on my face, and I ask, "How am I supposed to kill it! I don't even know where it went!!!!"

So then Kelli the Wise said, "What about bugspray?"

Ashley the Magnificent (aka Ashley the Mentally Challenged) said, "Oh, I think I have some!"

So I climbed off of my bunk bed and searched in one of my boxes, and found a can of bugspray with Deet in it! All well and good, so I sprayed it straight up in the air. Voila! And the spider was knocked onto the ground, and I ground it to smitherines with my beautiful ballerina flat! (Or ballet flat, which is the correct term? I can never remember, lol.)

So, you may ask, why does Ashley the Magnificent call herself Ashley the Mentally Challenged?

Well, I will tell you! Because I sprayed the bugspray STRAIGHT UP! Meaning, I was directly underneath it! And the mist sprayed down, INTO MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUPER GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!! Has anyone else tasted Deet? Cuz it is NASTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wiped my tongue off on my sleeve and went to go get a drink.

Little did I know that Deet is HIGHLY POISONOUS! (Thanks, Mom, for telling me that, 24 hours AFTER I let that stuff get in my mouth!) UGH! If I didn't keel over and die by now, do you think I'm safe? I hope so! Cuz if I'm not, I dunno what to do! :*(

Y'all, pray for me, that Deet doesn't have a delaying poisonous effect! I don't wanna die!!!!

LOL. That was the highlight of my semester. That, and falling on the sidewalk TWICE in twenty-four hours! My foot's swollen, I ache all over, and I think I might have bruised my butt an scraped off a layer of toe nail on my left foot! (I was wearing flipflops). Other than that, it's life as usual... well, have a good week, everybody! Not sure when I'll blog again. :)

Happy day!

Till later,
Ash the (Hopeful again) Dreamer! :))))

A Hope and a Revolution

I can't believe that it is going to be Easter on Sunday. I haven't really celebrated Easter as much as the common Christian does... Because I know it's was built on top of a pagan holiday, but so was Christmas, so go figure. Anyways!

But Easter does hold a lot of meaning for me. I like being home, and being with family, and coloring Easter eggs and writing all the names of the characters in the story I am writing all over the Easter eggs, and the way my family thinks I'm crazy for doing so, and hiding Easter eggs for my two little sisters to find, and eating this amazing egg concoction called "Goldenrod" that my dad makes every Easter for supper, and going to the Easter Sabbath program the day before Easter, and hearing about all the hype and seeing what is in my Easter basket... all that yummy candy and an occasional gift (this year, I think my mom sent me two! I won't get the package till Monday, though).

Anyway, all of these Easter traditions my family has reminds me of home tonight, and I just wish that I could be there. Whose bright idea was it to make spring break to be a month before Easter in college? Yeah, they needed a brain transplant, that's for sure.

By this time today, about two thousand years ago, if this was the actual weekend that Jesus was crucified, Jesus would have already faced all the torture. Last night, He would have been publicly humiliated before Caiaphas and Annas, and tried unfairly, and eventually spit upon and flogged and punched. By now, the crown of thorns has been pressed so deeply into the soft flesh around His temples that He bled. And bled. And bled. And He has already walked up that long walk from the Via Doloroso to the Place of the Skull, and He had seen how they had forced Simon to bear His burden. And then, He stumbled to the ground when one of the Roman soldiers shoved Him there, and He bit His lip so hard that blood came out when they pounded the nails into the soft flesh just below His wrists to keep from crying out. And when they nailed His feet to the cross, silent tears trailed down His grimy face, and He glanced over to see His momma, at the front of the crowd, shaking and sobbing, not understanding. He didn't understand! And when they lifted the cross from the ground! It jolted His body with more excruciating pain than He had ever experienced, and when they dropped His tree into the ground, the nails ripped bigger holes in His feet and his hands, and His head bounced off of the wood. The thorns pressed deeper into the back of his head, and fresh blood oozed out of his head. He waited for hours--He waited for hours to DIE. At one point, He saw the pain and loneliness in His momma's eyes, and the fear in John's eyes. And He gave His mother to John. More waiting. More pain. And on top of it all, all Jesus experienced was that He was dying. And His Father had rejected Him. I'll never see Him again, He must have thought. And then, He cried out, "It is finished!" And it was finished. And God died.

Can you imagine? Why do we downplay the raw emotion in this story? To these people--John, Peter, Mary, Judas, Jesus--this wasn't a BEGINNING. It was the bitter END! And it was bitter and painful and cruel and heartless, and we go and pain Easter eggs and wave to the Easter bunnies all over the malls and by the side of the road and we watch passion plays, and yet, the last time I cried about when they killed Jesus was when I was an innocent six-year-old. Jesus, why do we make little of You? World, why do we let everything get in the way of seeing how beautiful and loving and present Jesus is? World, why are we content with the Easter Bunny when we can have JESUS?

The Christian church says that Easter is about hope, and it is. And I don't want to downplay that. But Easter is also about a revolution that began. And I'm afraid half of us have lost the fervor for that revolution.

Jesus, help me to have the hope and the revolution. Amen.

Until next time,
Ash

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

hey, everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i made a pact with you to try and post a new blog every friday night, so i'm holding myself to that promise tonight!

today was a good day. most of my week was uneventful... i watched ncis and posted on this awesome website called parentsconnect.com... if you go to babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com, you can find your way to joining the website. anyway, since i'm such a name junkie, i love that website. anway, so i was on that site a lot this week (as usual).

on tuesday, i went to my old workplace, the taco bell by my old high school, and i hung out with the mikucki brothers and carol for about an hour. geoffrey made me laugh; joe made me remember what it's like to talk about life and God. carol just made me smile. :))))

on thursday (aka yesterday) i went to this awesome sandwich/soup restaurant with my family (it's called Isaac's... maybe you've heard of it? anyway, it's fantabulous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and i had my favorite-est sandwich in the whole wide world. it's called the Giant Sequoia. and yes, it is unbelievably large. :) but it is sooooooooooo worth it. that, and the yummy potato salad that comes with it! that was one of the things i most wanted to do over break--go to isaac's with my mommy! and i got to, but it was with my daddy and my brother and my two sisters, too! yay.

anyways, back to today. for some reason, last night i was unbelievably tired at 9:30, so i was asleep by 11:00 thursday night! hmm. anyway, so i woke up by around 8/8:30? really early for break, i know. i've been getting up at 11/12/1-ish all week. anyways, so i got up early and i had my morning prayer and i watched some ncis. since i've really been loving the name Olive (nicknamed Liv) a lot lately, i tried to figure out what i would name my daughter if i named her Olive (both first and middle names), and i finally came up with two possibilities: Olive Juliet (i love the shakespearean reference) and olive lucia (i've loved lucia so much, and i really wanted to get it onto my 10 favorite name combinations! i think i might have found it, finally!). then my daddy made me mini bean burritos, which are soooooo yummy, and i watched more ncis! at about 1:45, i left home to go pick up my sisters from school (they're not on break), and we made a stop at rita's ice (they were giving away a free italian ice to each person that came to their store today, since it is the first day of spring, and then if you wanted a gelati, you only had to pay a dollar. great deal, and it made me happy!). so i bought my two sisters a gelati each (they both wanted cotton candy... it looked kinda gross to me. i got georgia peach!!! it was yummy!), and then we went and picked up my grandmother! she lives about ten miles away from us, and she's been battling cancer and a lot of health ailments lately, so we rarely see her, and she doesn't really come to church anymore, so we all missed her. but she ate at our house and watched me open my birthday presents. it was nice to see her again. i got to see my two little second cousins, too! lexi is five, and emma is like, two or three months old. :) they're such cutie pies! anyways... i digress.

so just before we ate supper, my stomach started KILLING me, so my whole family had to eat without me! it was a disaster. well, kind of. but it was annoying, lol. so i told them to start their desserts without me. we had vegetarian meatloaf (yummy!), mashed potatoes, broccoli, and celery sticks with peanut butter!!!!!!!!! so good. then for dessert, i got to have fresh made chocolate chip cookies and a milkshake my brother made for me! it was so good.

then we went to open my presents. not at all what i expected. although, i wasn't really just DYING to get any specific present, so it was all good. the things i most wanted, i got (except for two things--i always get an itunes gift card, which i really could have used, and i wanted this movie called fireproof... it's really awesome. anyway, maybe i can get it later...). i got hogan's heroes season three (i love that show!), and an album from adventures in odyssey, my favorite radio drama, and i got some cool clothes, and a cool scarf and an autographed Sanctus Real (my favorite band!!!!!!!!!!!) CD ("Say It Loud") from the concert i went to last Sabbath night. not only that... in passing, i mentioned to my mom that it might be nice to have a new camera, because the one i had took REALLY bad pictures at concerts, and i wished i could get better pictures! i thought she was half asleep when i told her! but, then when i opened my presents tonight, surprise!!!!!!!!!!!! imagine that, a brand new digital camera, and it's pretty, too!!!!!!!!!! (it's this cranberry/mulberry color, which i love, after purple and green and maybe yellow and pink... anyway, it's one of my favorite colors, lol...)

anyway, i'm sleepy, so i'm going to call it a night.

it doesn't really matter to me that i've turned 21, except for the fact that i have more legal rights. i won't be out drinking alcohol anyway, so that's not a big deal to me. what other perks does being 21 bring? i sure don't know. i don't really care, either. lol. the things i care about--God, loving people, being able to read and write, listening to music and watching awesome tv shows and movies... i've always been able to do those things.

anyway, toodles for this week.
happy living!

ash

the highlights of back-to-school vacation

haha... this is what i do with my days off. :) i love these two videos.

anyways, if i had a good story, i'd tell it, but this has been one of the most boring-est vacations i have had in my whole entire lifetime. i didn't even watch a good movie. maybe i'll have an exciting story for you once i start my first non-Christian school. probably could stretch that one a while. :)

Happy Sabbath, everybody.

ash

nothing is everything

i haven't been up to much lately, just learning about my little brother's passion, photography. yup, yup. i never really was that much into taking pictures, but over the past three days, i've done it a LOT. just figured i'd post some of them for you to see. :) not much exciting going on with me, just getting ready to go back to college.

the thing i wish i knew most how to communicate but i still have no clue how to say that everything can happen in a moment where nothing is going on. i hate it when people ask me, "what did you do this summer?" after they talk about working at summer camp or going to concerts or europe and stuff like that. what do i say? "umm... i worked at taco bell. all summer. real boring." except it WASN'T BORING... being with family isn't boring. overcoming depression isn't boring. falling in love with Jesus isn't boring. dreaming of life isn't boring. figuring out my life calling isn't boring. but man, how do you say that when taco bell is so much less exciting than going to romania and rebuilding a house? or watching 20 kids get baptized after seeing your witness at summer camp?

nothing is everything. that's what i say tonight. cuz dreams start out of nothing, and sometimes nothing is good.

-ash

blessed

i am blessed.

i really hope that doesn't sound conceited or cliched. i hate sounding conceited and cliched. i'm a humble Christian writer, and humble Christian writers hate that.

it kind of just dawned on me, as i'm getting ready to go to bed, and i didn't want to forget it. i wish i was talented enough of a writer to be able to write a song about how blessed i am, and then share it with you, but right now, prose is my thing. and that's only sometimes.

sometimes, i get these epiphanies about life and my position in it--like humility is one of the coolest personality traits in the whole world, and changing the world is what we were created for, and life is completely colorless without loving and knowing and being with Jesus more than any other living thing that ever existed. this epiphany isn't quite so timeless... it applies to right now for me. i. am. blessed.

wow. lately (as in the past 18 months) i have been going through a horrible stretch of my life... i guess depression isn't something people usually brag about on a blog, but i admit it: i was depressed. not just the sort of "oh, i'm in the blues today" sort of depressed but the sort of "i've been clinically diagnosed as a person who suffers from clinical depression" sort of depression. it is the most evil, conceited, selfish disease ever created to invade a person's soul. i believe it is the cancer of the mind and the heart. i hope satan suffers a good long time for creating depression alone.

anyway. so since i have been depressed, i have stopped appreciating a lot of things--like my friends and family, and the simple pleasure of being happy, dancing in the rain, hugging my two little sisters every day, watching movies and praying for my best friends, planning to coup the powers that control the world and giving it back to Jesus (so He can turn the world upside down and start it turning the other direction), reading a book, writing a novel, jumping up and down to music like a crazy little kid... life is supposed to be lived out loud... and i've been failing miserably. not because i wanted to, but because depression robbed me of my life. but now, little by little, it's coming back, and, man, let me tell you, the feeling is PHENOMENAL!!! wow... what a rush... i have been given so much... i just want to live now...

man... but i have to sleep... i really wish sleep didn't exist. it puts a damper on all my excitement. :*(

i just wanted to remind myself... and anyone else who takes the time to read this... life is good. even when you're depressed. i know sometimes we don't even want to see it, but wow, God is SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!!!! Jesus takes favor in us, and that, in itself, should be enough.

and i pray that it is.