Hello!!!!!
I'm so very excited about these two little girls who live in the southern region of the US... Can I tell you their story?
I've changed all the names of the people involved, out of respect for my friend. So I have a friend who lives in the South Carolina/Georgia area of the south, Krista. She has a little girl named Hazel who is positively precious and adorable, who is seven. Krista and her hubby, Danny, recently welcomed twins into the world, Claire and Zavier.
Krista and Danny are really awesome, mission-minded people who really want to help out just about EVERYONE around them. After the twins were born, they decided not to have any more biological children, but while they were still trying to have Claire and Zavier, they had considered adoption... they thought they would be able to adopt this little boy, and had picked out a name for him (Josiah Caleb, but he goes by Caleb). They adoption process was completed just weeks before Claire and Zavier were born. They were excited to have their little family of four.
Then they found out that Caleb had a TWIN BROTHER, and Krista couldn't stand the idea of Caleb and his twin being separated (especially after having twins of her own!), so she and Danny began the process of adopting Caleb's twin, who they named Hudson Jacob.
They were happy, Krista, Danny, Hazel, Caleb, Hudson, Claire, and Zavier, their happy little family. They were content to stay that way. But then there was more news.
When Danny had thought that they would not be able to adopt Caleb, and before they knew about Hudson, he had found out a coworker had a baby girl that he could not take care of, and was desperately looking for someone to adopt her. Danny and his lawyer were working together, seeing if it was even a possibility, without Krista's knowledge.
Then one day, only a little bit after Claire and Zavier had been born, Danny calls Krista from work, crying and hysterical, babbling on about the cops and a baby and a disaster, and that she needed to get there NOW. So Krista hauled her five little ones in their pickup truck down to Danny's work. The place was swarming with an interested crowd, analytical cops, foster care case-workers, and in the midst of it all, Danny was clutching a pitiful, crying baby girl, trying to shield her from the noise, the pain, the world. The cops and caseworkers were trying to take the little baby (no more than a week or so old) away from Danny, and he was crying and wouldn't let her go... Krista climbed out of her truck and made her way through the crowd... to where her husband was.
Krista was confused and even a little angry, about it all... but then she saw the baby. Liliana. She was so beautiful and so perfect, and she just KNEW she had to take in that little baby-girl orphan. So it took a while, but Danny's lawyer showed up and explained that Danny and Krista were in the process of adopting Liliana... and eventually it all died down.
Liliana had to go home to her birth parents that day, but a few days later, Liliana's parents met with Krista and Krista's mom, and that's when Krista found out about Liliana's big sister--Ari.
They met at a fast food restaurant, and when Liliana began to cry, her parents didn't know what to do, so Krista offered to change her diaper. I don't remember all the details, but somehow, while Krista was taking care of Liliana, her parents just LEFT! I can't even imagine that, just leaving my two girls with two total strangers. Just thinking about it makes me crazy-furious.
But because Ari and Liliana had been so malnourished, uncared-for, and even worse, they were hospitalized. This was around January, some time.
Ari just came home from the hospital about a week or two ago.
But that's not all--a few weeks ago, Caleb and Hudson's birth family decided that they wanted the boys back. It was really hard on Krista, Danny, and Hazel. But they decided that it was better for the boys to not be fought over than for the boys to be with them. So Caleb and Hudson are now Micah and Joseph, and are back with their grandparents and their birth momma.
But that's not all.
The pain of not being able to adopt Caleb and Hudson (even after the papers were completely taken care of) drove Krista and Danny to a decision: that they weren't going to adopt at all. Not for now, at least.
I wasn't worried about Caleb and Hudson/Micah and Joseph, because even though their family gave them up for adoption in the first place, it sounds like they will be well cared for. But I WAS scared for Ari and Liliana! I didn't know what would happen to them.
But now Krista's best friend, Christiana, and her hubby, Bryan, are adopting the girls. Ari is now at home with them, and thriving. :) Krista babysits Ari during the day, while Christiana and Bryan are at work, and Liliana is still in the hospital, but getting a little stronger every day.
So now do you know why I am so very excited for Ari and Liliana? Do you know why I'm so excited about ADOPTION?! These precious, innocent little souls are finding hope, love, a future, and every dream they would have ever had if they didn't find a family. And while my soul is horrified for the sadness Krista, Danny, and Hazel have experienced, I am thrilled for the treasure Ari and Liliana have received. Even though Krista and I live states away, she sends me pictures of the girls often, and I can see Ari blossoming. She's so beautiful. And strong. And every time I think about Ari's and Liliana's futures, I can't hope but be hopeful.
Because they have received hope.
And I can only hope that one day, I can give at least one or two little ones the sort of joy and hope and future that Ari and Liliana are receiving. :)
Till next time,
Ash the (Relieved, Hopeful, Joyful, Elated) Dreamer
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
12 March 2010
11 February 2010
Will You Be My Valentine?
:)
Hello!
Valentine's Day was never my big thing. I never saw the point in giving valentines cards, because nobody really wanted to give them to me in elementary school, and I didn't have an abundance of friends to ask if they would be my valentine.
That, and my parents wouldn't let me date until I was sixteen, so I didn't even try to care about it.
Nearly six years after the day I was officially allowed to date, and I still haven't had one, so I guess I just don't see the hype.
I love the idea of falling in love and having a special someone. :) But I'm okay if I don't.
So dear readers of my blog, even if you're completely in love and about to get married, or if you're about to be wallowing in your own self pity, will you be my treasured friend on February 14? I'll make you smile and we will laugh and be happy to be alive, and it will be a good day. :)
Life hasn't felt very good lately, I have to admit.
I know I told you to keep me joyful, and I am joyful, but sometimes life doesn't feel that way. Does that make any sense?
I just got an email from a dear friend. She said that tonight there was a shoot out in her old high school. Officials think it's gang-related. That makes me so sad.
Depression and OCD have tried to ruin my life, and that makes me very confused and sad and mad and angry and weary.
My best friend in the whole world (besides Jesus), my little sister, Becca, isn't here. If I asked her to be my valentine, I think she would laugh at me and say I was ridiculous. :) I love my little sister, haha. And it makes me sad that she's not here right now.
Another friend of mine--one of her best friends and former neighbors suddenly died last week, without any rhyme or reason, just keeled over and died, leaving behind her loving husband and two children. That makes me sad.
My friend's husband lost his job recently, and they are left trying to care for SEVEN children, four of which are either adopted or are being adopted right now, two of which are in the hospital because their parents didn't know how to take care of them before they gave them up for adoption.
I just saw a video about adoption tonight, and it positively made me quiver on the inside. I wanted to go raid every orphanage in the whole world and say, "Dearies, come live with me... I will show you love and be your mommy." That made me really sad.
And I think of churches that are closing, and wives that are being abused, and soldiers that are dying without the respect of their nations, and girls who are raped and couples who are getting divorced for no reason other than because they are bored with their marriages and how God is disrespected and love is not honored and people commit suicide and life has become weary for some people, and it makes me really sad.
It doesn't seem like all this should be happening only days from the day that the whole world recognizes as a day of love and joy. I never really understood the hype for Valentine's day, but now I think we need it, even if it's just to see a bit of hope and joy again.
So, today, I want Someone who can actually do something about the pain in this world and the pain in my heart. This year, I want JESUS to be my Valentine, because I KNOW He can take my pain and turn it to joy. :)
So, happy valentine's day, friend. :) And wherever you are, may you find love and joy and hope. :)
Until next time,
Ash the (Loved) Dreamer
Hello!
Valentine's Day was never my big thing. I never saw the point in giving valentines cards, because nobody really wanted to give them to me in elementary school, and I didn't have an abundance of friends to ask if they would be my valentine.
That, and my parents wouldn't let me date until I was sixteen, so I didn't even try to care about it.
Nearly six years after the day I was officially allowed to date, and I still haven't had one, so I guess I just don't see the hype.
I love the idea of falling in love and having a special someone. :) But I'm okay if I don't.
So dear readers of my blog, even if you're completely in love and about to get married, or if you're about to be wallowing in your own self pity, will you be my treasured friend on February 14? I'll make you smile and we will laugh and be happy to be alive, and it will be a good day. :)
Life hasn't felt very good lately, I have to admit.
I know I told you to keep me joyful, and I am joyful, but sometimes life doesn't feel that way. Does that make any sense?
I just got an email from a dear friend. She said that tonight there was a shoot out in her old high school. Officials think it's gang-related. That makes me so sad.
Depression and OCD have tried to ruin my life, and that makes me very confused and sad and mad and angry and weary.
My best friend in the whole world (besides Jesus), my little sister, Becca, isn't here. If I asked her to be my valentine, I think she would laugh at me and say I was ridiculous. :) I love my little sister, haha. And it makes me sad that she's not here right now.
Another friend of mine--one of her best friends and former neighbors suddenly died last week, without any rhyme or reason, just keeled over and died, leaving behind her loving husband and two children. That makes me sad.
My friend's husband lost his job recently, and they are left trying to care for SEVEN children, four of which are either adopted or are being adopted right now, two of which are in the hospital because their parents didn't know how to take care of them before they gave them up for adoption.
I just saw a video about adoption tonight, and it positively made me quiver on the inside. I wanted to go raid every orphanage in the whole world and say, "Dearies, come live with me... I will show you love and be your mommy." That made me really sad.
And I think of churches that are closing, and wives that are being abused, and soldiers that are dying without the respect of their nations, and girls who are raped and couples who are getting divorced for no reason other than because they are bored with their marriages and how God is disrespected and love is not honored and people commit suicide and life has become weary for some people, and it makes me really sad.
It doesn't seem like all this should be happening only days from the day that the whole world recognizes as a day of love and joy. I never really understood the hype for Valentine's day, but now I think we need it, even if it's just to see a bit of hope and joy again.
So, today, I want Someone who can actually do something about the pain in this world and the pain in my heart. This year, I want JESUS to be my Valentine, because I KNOW He can take my pain and turn it to joy. :)
So, happy valentine's day, friend. :) And wherever you are, may you find love and joy and hope. :)
Until next time,
Ash the (Loved) Dreamer
05 February 2010
Grandma
I positively LOVE my grandmother.
She's so silly and adorable.
My mom says that children don't think that their moms are adorable, so she doesn't see it. But I think both my grandmother AND my mom are adorable, sooooo... I'm not sure what that means. Haha.
I don't talk about my Grandma very much... I'm not sure why. She is this little sweet lady in her mid-to-late eighties. She does soooo much for my family. She makes these AMAZING sweet rolls for every Sabbath morning. She does all my laundry. She loves Jesus. And she's adorable.
Hehe.
Well, today... today is the day my family celebrates time with Jesus. From sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. We have this card game called "Skip Bo", but on Sabbath we play "Bible Skip Bo". The only difference is when you lay down a Skip Bo on Sabbath, you have to say a Bible verse. It's actually quite challenging. Haha.
But my grandma and I played two games, just the two of us.
I love spending time with my grandmother. She's so sweet and wise and strong and hilarious. She laughed at me when all I got were 4 cards (cards with the number 4 on them), and I laughed at her when I won both games. :))))))
I don't know how to explain my time with her--just that I love it so much. It is like being completely safe and free. After nearly bursting into tears in my Creative Writing class this afternoon (the stupid professor tried to take me down memory lane through every single day that I was depressed. Stupid man should know better than to make me do that in the middle of a class of about 25 total strangers!), I really needed that. It made me feel safe and free and whole again.
I'm so glad that Jesus is here to give us just what we need, just when we need it. :)
Till next time,
Ash the (Refreshed) Dreamer
She's so silly and adorable.
My mom says that children don't think that their moms are adorable, so she doesn't see it. But I think both my grandmother AND my mom are adorable, sooooo... I'm not sure what that means. Haha.
I don't talk about my Grandma very much... I'm not sure why. She is this little sweet lady in her mid-to-late eighties. She does soooo much for my family. She makes these AMAZING sweet rolls for every Sabbath morning. She does all my laundry. She loves Jesus. And she's adorable.
Hehe.
Well, today... today is the day my family celebrates time with Jesus. From sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. We have this card game called "Skip Bo", but on Sabbath we play "Bible Skip Bo". The only difference is when you lay down a Skip Bo on Sabbath, you have to say a Bible verse. It's actually quite challenging. Haha.
But my grandma and I played two games, just the two of us.
I love spending time with my grandmother. She's so sweet and wise and strong and hilarious. She laughed at me when all I got were 4 cards (cards with the number 4 on them), and I laughed at her when I won both games. :))))))
I don't know how to explain my time with her--just that I love it so much. It is like being completely safe and free. After nearly bursting into tears in my Creative Writing class this afternoon (the stupid professor tried to take me down memory lane through every single day that I was depressed. Stupid man should know better than to make me do that in the middle of a class of about 25 total strangers!), I really needed that. It made me feel safe and free and whole again.
I'm so glad that Jesus is here to give us just what we need, just when we need it. :)
Till next time,
Ash the (Refreshed) Dreamer
29 January 2010
joy.
hello, everybody!
happy weekend. :)
i'm sick today. i've actually been sick most of the week. i thought i was going to pass out earlier tonight, before supper. it was actually kind of bad. at one point, i thought i had strep throat, too. i guess you should know that i hate being sick. :)
tonight for our family worship, though, as i was trying to ignore the stomach and head pains, and the way my ears throb and how my throat feels like wallpaper... we were watching this amazing preacher whose name is walter pearson.
that man makes me love african american preachers! hehe. :)
anyway, i started seeing the message a little after it was started, so i missed what Bible story he was tying his message into. but he was talking about how needy guys and girls can be when it comes to finding their "perfect soulmate". haha. it's true. the lengths people go for love and for actually finding it, and rejecting it when they thought they had it when they really didn't... it's crazy. i guess that's a perk to never going on a date. i've watched tons of people do crazy, stupid, demeaning things all for the acceptance they seek for in "love". i hope that means i'll know better when it's my turn, but i'm pretty sure i won't have it all figured out, lol.
anyway, he was talking about how nobody wants to date a needy person, and how you need to find Jesus before you can even try to invest in a relationship, and i was soooo glad i got to listen to his message.
and then he said this line that really hit me. he said something about how the most beautiful aspect of a girl's character that draws a guy to her more than anything else was if she has joy enough to spill over into his life.
i was so struck by that.
besides living out my dreams, one of the biggest values i have is joy, and i have always dreamed of living out my life with abundant joy.
this isn't because i actually want a perfect guy--i really do, but it seems moronically, idiotically DUMB to try to find joy just to find a guy. haha. i don't want to do that.
but it reminded me of how much i really want joy in my life, how much i want joy to overflow from my heart, and how i want to bring joy to everyone. when i talk about Jesus, when i talk about changing the world, when i hope, when i plan my Jesus' revolution, this is what i want--to spread joy. if it means i get a perfect guy with a perfect name and a perfect heart, i would be oh-so-extremely-happy. but that's not why i want this.
i want to be joyful for you, dear friends that read my blog. i want to be joyful for buddy and becca and lea, my amazing three siblings. i want to be joyful for my mommy and daddy, who work so very hard for my joy. i want to be joyful for my coworkers, who don't even know what joy is. i want to be joyful for my friends on parentsconnect, who sometimes forget what joy is. i want to be joyful so my fellow students at kutztown university, my depressing school, can see Jesus inside of me. i want to be joyful so that my future husband will be joyful with me, all the time. i want to be joyful so that my future children will live a life of joy. i want to be joyful so my aging grandmothers have hope for the future of this world. i want to be joyful so that everyone i will contact in the future will find hope in a Christian, so that they will know life, so that they can share my joy. i want to be joyful so that my church members can be joyful with me and turn the world upside down with me. i want to be joyful so that cynics can have hope, so that hopeful people keep their hope, so that orphans stay strong, so that the military has faith in the cause they fight for, so that single moms stay strong, so everyone knows love and hope and the Way. but most of all, i want to be joyful so that Jesus can be proud of me, so that i know i have His Way in my heart, and that i can do all that He has called me to do.
I've always loved this passage of the Bible, probably because I value joy so much...
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4, NASB)
anyway, so since i know people actually read my blog now (haha), if you read this and you read a blog when i am not joyful, can you please remind me of this promise? between me, and you, and God, and all the people. i want to be joyful. and i want you to share in my joy. :)
and to increase our joy, here's a little something to brighten your day (at least, i hope it does!):
till next time,
ash the (hopeful) dreamer
happy weekend. :)
i'm sick today. i've actually been sick most of the week. i thought i was going to pass out earlier tonight, before supper. it was actually kind of bad. at one point, i thought i had strep throat, too. i guess you should know that i hate being sick. :)
tonight for our family worship, though, as i was trying to ignore the stomach and head pains, and the way my ears throb and how my throat feels like wallpaper... we were watching this amazing preacher whose name is walter pearson.
that man makes me love african american preachers! hehe. :)
anyway, i started seeing the message a little after it was started, so i missed what Bible story he was tying his message into. but he was talking about how needy guys and girls can be when it comes to finding their "perfect soulmate". haha. it's true. the lengths people go for love and for actually finding it, and rejecting it when they thought they had it when they really didn't... it's crazy. i guess that's a perk to never going on a date. i've watched tons of people do crazy, stupid, demeaning things all for the acceptance they seek for in "love". i hope that means i'll know better when it's my turn, but i'm pretty sure i won't have it all figured out, lol.
anyway, he was talking about how nobody wants to date a needy person, and how you need to find Jesus before you can even try to invest in a relationship, and i was soooo glad i got to listen to his message.
and then he said this line that really hit me. he said something about how the most beautiful aspect of a girl's character that draws a guy to her more than anything else was if she has joy enough to spill over into his life.
i was so struck by that.
besides living out my dreams, one of the biggest values i have is joy, and i have always dreamed of living out my life with abundant joy.
this isn't because i actually want a perfect guy--i really do, but it seems moronically, idiotically DUMB to try to find joy just to find a guy. haha. i don't want to do that.
but it reminded me of how much i really want joy in my life, how much i want joy to overflow from my heart, and how i want to bring joy to everyone. when i talk about Jesus, when i talk about changing the world, when i hope, when i plan my Jesus' revolution, this is what i want--to spread joy. if it means i get a perfect guy with a perfect name and a perfect heart, i would be oh-so-extremely-happy. but that's not why i want this.
i want to be joyful for you, dear friends that read my blog. i want to be joyful for buddy and becca and lea, my amazing three siblings. i want to be joyful for my mommy and daddy, who work so very hard for my joy. i want to be joyful for my coworkers, who don't even know what joy is. i want to be joyful for my friends on parentsconnect, who sometimes forget what joy is. i want to be joyful so my fellow students at kutztown university, my depressing school, can see Jesus inside of me. i want to be joyful so that my future husband will be joyful with me, all the time. i want to be joyful so that my future children will live a life of joy. i want to be joyful so my aging grandmothers have hope for the future of this world. i want to be joyful so that everyone i will contact in the future will find hope in a Christian, so that they will know life, so that they can share my joy. i want to be joyful so that my church members can be joyful with me and turn the world upside down with me. i want to be joyful so that cynics can have hope, so that hopeful people keep their hope, so that orphans stay strong, so that the military has faith in the cause they fight for, so that single moms stay strong, so everyone knows love and hope and the Way. but most of all, i want to be joyful so that Jesus can be proud of me, so that i know i have His Way in my heart, and that i can do all that He has called me to do.
I've always loved this passage of the Bible, probably because I value joy so much...
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4, NASB)
anyway, so since i know people actually read my blog now (haha), if you read this and you read a blog when i am not joyful, can you please remind me of this promise? between me, and you, and God, and all the people. i want to be joyful. and i want you to share in my joy. :)
and to increase our joy, here's a little something to brighten your day (at least, i hope it does!):
till next time,
ash the (hopeful) dreamer
05 November 2009
worst week ever...
I know I said I would be back tomorrow, but I only have one class today, and I'm kinda hiding from the real world right now.
Probably just my overdramatic self taking things way out of proportion, but I just have to step back and be able to see how overdramatic I'm really being, and I'm pretty sure nothing major is happening in my lit class today. Besides, it started 45 minutes ago, and I'm a mess.
Yesterday one of my bosses talked to me about not doing my job right, and I guess I just wasn't seeing things that needed to be done, and she was thinking that I was all lazy and it was just a mess. Have you ever cried in front of your boss? Yeah.
EMBARRASSING!!!!
Anyway, she's going to try and get the managers to help me so I can be a better worker, but there was just stuff at that time that I really didn't know how to say, so I feel like I got a bunch of heat that really didn't need to be put under my rear, but whatever.
My mom's been so sweet about everything, and when I told her, she told me about how once one of her bosses told her that she was basically the weakest link in the whole production, and she bawled like a baby, so I don't feel TERRIBLE. I just cried all the way home, and I can't stop crying now! Gah, it's so annoying.
But then last night I had a dream that after helping the people in the show Numb3rs (aka, my new favorite TV show!) solve this crazy case on a beach somewhere (it was really weird, like a mix between Lost and Numb3rs, and I didn't know what was going on, lol!), I came home, and for some reason, my name was Arianne. Not sure why, but it was. I'm cool with that, though, because Arianne's probably my second favorite name right now, just after Eliza. :) Anyway, my parents didn't even TALK to me about this, but they said, "Oh, you have a letter waiting for you in our room." So I read the letter, and it basically said that my parents were tired of me not taking responsibility for myself and they were so tired of all my emotional problems (aka my depression and OCD) that they weren't going to put up with it much longer, and they were going to kick me out of the house just before the next school year started. Gah, what kind of dream is THAT?! I think I was crying in my dream, too, and so now I'm freaking out and reevaluating my life and such, and it doesn't help that my dad actually said that in real life... that if I didn't get my act together I could just leave.
Gah.
Anyway, so if I missed my lit powerpoint presentation, you know why. I feel like I'm a ROYAL MESS. :/
But out of all of this, I am learning that I've been taking the easy road, and even though I keep saying all these things about following Jesus, I've been going my own way, and I'm trying to come back to Him and make Him proud.
Pray for me, if you read this.
Because, well, GAH, I need it SOOOO much right now! :/
Until next time,
Ash the (Tearful) Dreamer
Probably just my overdramatic self taking things way out of proportion, but I just have to step back and be able to see how overdramatic I'm really being, and I'm pretty sure nothing major is happening in my lit class today. Besides, it started 45 minutes ago, and I'm a mess.
Yesterday one of my bosses talked to me about not doing my job right, and I guess I just wasn't seeing things that needed to be done, and she was thinking that I was all lazy and it was just a mess. Have you ever cried in front of your boss? Yeah.
EMBARRASSING!!!!
Anyway, she's going to try and get the managers to help me so I can be a better worker, but there was just stuff at that time that I really didn't know how to say, so I feel like I got a bunch of heat that really didn't need to be put under my rear, but whatever.
My mom's been so sweet about everything, and when I told her, she told me about how once one of her bosses told her that she was basically the weakest link in the whole production, and she bawled like a baby, so I don't feel TERRIBLE. I just cried all the way home, and I can't stop crying now! Gah, it's so annoying.
But then last night I had a dream that after helping the people in the show Numb3rs (aka, my new favorite TV show!) solve this crazy case on a beach somewhere (it was really weird, like a mix between Lost and Numb3rs, and I didn't know what was going on, lol!), I came home, and for some reason, my name was Arianne. Not sure why, but it was. I'm cool with that, though, because Arianne's probably my second favorite name right now, just after Eliza. :) Anyway, my parents didn't even TALK to me about this, but they said, "Oh, you have a letter waiting for you in our room." So I read the letter, and it basically said that my parents were tired of me not taking responsibility for myself and they were so tired of all my emotional problems (aka my depression and OCD) that they weren't going to put up with it much longer, and they were going to kick me out of the house just before the next school year started. Gah, what kind of dream is THAT?! I think I was crying in my dream, too, and so now I'm freaking out and reevaluating my life and such, and it doesn't help that my dad actually said that in real life... that if I didn't get my act together I could just leave.
Gah.
Anyway, so if I missed my lit powerpoint presentation, you know why. I feel like I'm a ROYAL MESS. :/
But out of all of this, I am learning that I've been taking the easy road, and even though I keep saying all these things about following Jesus, I've been going my own way, and I'm trying to come back to Him and make Him proud.
Pray for me, if you read this.
Because, well, GAH, I need it SOOOO much right now! :/
Until next time,
Ash the (Tearful) Dreamer
09 October 2009
the injustices...
It's dark outside. Here we are again, same place, same time, every week. New song, same heart, same me. I'm listening to Francesca Battistelli's "It's Your Life," and it's just fueling the fire inside of me.
I've been mad about a lot of stuff lately. About the injustices.
Gah, I really would love to strangle somebody or something right now.
I remember someone tweeting (on Twitter) this week about the irony of the fact that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, but the US is bombing the moon to see if it has a reliable water source. I mean, really?! And President Obama is considering sending more troops to Afghanistan. REALLY?! How is that in the spirit of bringing peace? Really, I'm all about breaking the bonds and helping children and women who are oppressed, but after all this time, I think it's time for a little bit of peace. That, and to let the soldiers have a break. After all that they have done.
I saw a picture today of a formation of military soldiers. Standing at attention. With a little girl in a pretty pink dress, clinging to her daddy's hand. I don't know what the military had to say about that, but it tore my heart out. I still want to cry about it.
My old principal from elementary school is going to this leadership conference in Georgia this weekend, and he posted something on facebook about getting involved with helping orphans. I checked out the website (www.143million.org), and it's all about how to help orphans, and yes, there are 143 million orphans in the world.
That makes me SICK.
More than that, it makes me sick that I'm considered too young, too inexperienced, with too unstable of an income with too little money to adopt every single one of them. And adopt them out to families that really, truly would love each and everyone of them.
And it makes me even more sick to think that my mom is too scared of loving an orphan to even consider foster care, and my dad is too angry and focused on his job and worried about finances to be the face of Jesus to just one more child.
It makes me sick that every time I hear about another family having another child, or adopting a kid, or taking in foster children, that I have to sit here blogging about how utterly sick and furious I am, because my hands are tied.
It makes me sick I don't even have $38 a month to sponsor a Compassion International child. It makes me sick that I can barely scrape enough money together to pay off my school bills and send seven dollars to an amazing ministry called Mocha Club.
It makes me sick that I can only be so much of Jesus' hands and feet, while a lot of the rest of Jesus is just sitting there, when they can do so much more than I can do.
I'm just so sick of sitting still, of not doing ANYthing. I'm sick of being satisfied of being here, doing homework, watching TV, working at a Taco Bell that tells me to get people to donate dollars to help starving children in Africa, and when my heart is ripped out by well-off American after well-off American denies dying children who don't even have a chance, then they yell at me for focusing more on the children than on keeping the dining room clean and keeping people happy.
I'm sick of not even loving my major. I'm sick of just dreaming of change. I'm sick of going through the motions. I'm sick of not making a difference. I'm sick of fitting into the "good girl", studious, church-mouse shell of the powerhouse of a person Jesus created me to be!
And more than ANYTHING else, I'm sick of knowing all the things that need to be done, but knowing I don't have ANY resources, and not even knowing where to go! or WHAT to do, or how to go about doing it, and I just get sick inside, day after day, and it just can't keep going on like this.
Maybe I should pack a suitcase or two, fly to a poor European country, apply to work at an orphanage, and read my Bible everyday, and stop watching TV and pretending to care about all these insignificant things.
I don't feel like I was created for this life. I feel like I've been put in the wrong place entirely, and I keep hearing, "Go, go, go!" in my ears, but I don't even know where to go! And now I'm crying, and the world knows it, and still nothing happens.
This world makes me sick.
I can't wait till I get to heaven and all I have to worry about is seeing the approval and the love in Jesus' eyes, and being a friend to every person, and singing praises to Jesus and loving people like my heart was made for. Or maybe I was meant to go on the road with Christian bands and preach Jesus. I don't even know. All I know is that I can't stand this much longer.
Ash the (Despondent) Dreamer
I've been mad about a lot of stuff lately. About the injustices.
Gah, I really would love to strangle somebody or something right now.
I remember someone tweeting (on Twitter) this week about the irony of the fact that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, but the US is bombing the moon to see if it has a reliable water source. I mean, really?! And President Obama is considering sending more troops to Afghanistan. REALLY?! How is that in the spirit of bringing peace? Really, I'm all about breaking the bonds and helping children and women who are oppressed, but after all this time, I think it's time for a little bit of peace. That, and to let the soldiers have a break. After all that they have done.
I saw a picture today of a formation of military soldiers. Standing at attention. With a little girl in a pretty pink dress, clinging to her daddy's hand. I don't know what the military had to say about that, but it tore my heart out. I still want to cry about it.
My old principal from elementary school is going to this leadership conference in Georgia this weekend, and he posted something on facebook about getting involved with helping orphans. I checked out the website (www.143million.org), and it's all about how to help orphans, and yes, there are 143 million orphans in the world.
That makes me SICK.
More than that, it makes me sick that I'm considered too young, too inexperienced, with too unstable of an income with too little money to adopt every single one of them. And adopt them out to families that really, truly would love each and everyone of them.
And it makes me even more sick to think that my mom is too scared of loving an orphan to even consider foster care, and my dad is too angry and focused on his job and worried about finances to be the face of Jesus to just one more child.
It makes me sick that every time I hear about another family having another child, or adopting a kid, or taking in foster children, that I have to sit here blogging about how utterly sick and furious I am, because my hands are tied.
It makes me sick I don't even have $38 a month to sponsor a Compassion International child. It makes me sick that I can barely scrape enough money together to pay off my school bills and send seven dollars to an amazing ministry called Mocha Club.
It makes me sick that I can only be so much of Jesus' hands and feet, while a lot of the rest of Jesus is just sitting there, when they can do so much more than I can do.
I'm just so sick of sitting still, of not doing ANYthing. I'm sick of being satisfied of being here, doing homework, watching TV, working at a Taco Bell that tells me to get people to donate dollars to help starving children in Africa, and when my heart is ripped out by well-off American after well-off American denies dying children who don't even have a chance, then they yell at me for focusing more on the children than on keeping the dining room clean and keeping people happy.
I'm sick of not even loving my major. I'm sick of just dreaming of change. I'm sick of going through the motions. I'm sick of not making a difference. I'm sick of fitting into the "good girl", studious, church-mouse shell of the powerhouse of a person Jesus created me to be!
And more than ANYTHING else, I'm sick of knowing all the things that need to be done, but knowing I don't have ANY resources, and not even knowing where to go! or WHAT to do, or how to go about doing it, and I just get sick inside, day after day, and it just can't keep going on like this.
Maybe I should pack a suitcase or two, fly to a poor European country, apply to work at an orphanage, and read my Bible everyday, and stop watching TV and pretending to care about all these insignificant things.
I don't feel like I was created for this life. I feel like I've been put in the wrong place entirely, and I keep hearing, "Go, go, go!" in my ears, but I don't even know where to go! And now I'm crying, and the world knows it, and still nothing happens.
This world makes me sick.
I can't wait till I get to heaven and all I have to worry about is seeing the approval and the love in Jesus' eyes, and being a friend to every person, and singing praises to Jesus and loving people like my heart was made for. Or maybe I was meant to go on the road with Christian bands and preach Jesus. I don't even know. All I know is that I can't stand this much longer.
Ash the (Despondent) Dreamer
03 July 2009
free
i am free. i always used to try and imagine what it meant to someone who hadn't always been free to be able to say that they were free.
but tonight i know the feeling.
this is probably the most petty thing in the world, but this has been a truly long week for me. :*( since i have returned from going to school in the midwest, i have been used to basically working about 25 hours a week (at the most), and only about 4 days a week. a pretty relaxed lifestyle. :) this week, however, they scheduled me for SIX DAYS, but not only that... i think i almost worked FORTY-FIVE HOURS this week. almost DOUBLE what i'm used to. so that, alone, set me on edge. working six days in a row. long hours. crazy lines of people at taco bell (why doesn't anybody take the driveway just before ours, and go to wendys?). so that was pretty bad. but not only that... i've been stressing about school a little bit, and i've really been missing my little sister who's away for the summer, working at a Christian camp. that's all cool and everything, but i've really missed her. :*( so lots has been going on, and i just felt imprisoned by my schedule. :*(
but now... now i feel free. granted, i probably don't feel like a slave felt after they were freed, but i still feel pretty stinkin' good!
i usually try and blog about what i want to reflect on during a holiday weekend, or in the case of Christmas, a whole month, but only one freeing Revolutionary matters to me tonight--not Ben Franklin, John Hancock, George Washington, or Samuel Adams. None of them changed my life personally. But Jesus did when He died.
So Jesus is the Revolutionary I celebrate tonight, as I worship on this Sabbath day. I celebrate Jesus, because He is the One who died for me. He is the One that let go of Himself, so I could reach my full potential. He is the One that rescued me and set my heart on fire. Even as I say all these things, the words seem void of meaning, because Jesus cannot be limited to words.
So today, I celebrate Jesus, for ALL He does. :)
On my way home from work today, I saw a humongous bird (not sure what it was; my brother says it could've been a golden eagle) take flight from the side of the road, and it narrowly missed my windshield before soaring above the towering trees. It was a majestic thing. I remember being in awe, just watching it, but being also so glad that I didn't collide with it...
And I, like that bird, am about to take flight to be free, narrowly missing all the dangers I have faced, but ready, oh so ready, to soar. :)
Ash the (Freed) Dreamer
but tonight i know the feeling.
this is probably the most petty thing in the world, but this has been a truly long week for me. :*( since i have returned from going to school in the midwest, i have been used to basically working about 25 hours a week (at the most), and only about 4 days a week. a pretty relaxed lifestyle. :) this week, however, they scheduled me for SIX DAYS, but not only that... i think i almost worked FORTY-FIVE HOURS this week. almost DOUBLE what i'm used to. so that, alone, set me on edge. working six days in a row. long hours. crazy lines of people at taco bell (why doesn't anybody take the driveway just before ours, and go to wendys?). so that was pretty bad. but not only that... i've been stressing about school a little bit, and i've really been missing my little sister who's away for the summer, working at a Christian camp. that's all cool and everything, but i've really missed her. :*( so lots has been going on, and i just felt imprisoned by my schedule. :*(
but now... now i feel free. granted, i probably don't feel like a slave felt after they were freed, but i still feel pretty stinkin' good!
i usually try and blog about what i want to reflect on during a holiday weekend, or in the case of Christmas, a whole month, but only one freeing Revolutionary matters to me tonight--not Ben Franklin, John Hancock, George Washington, or Samuel Adams. None of them changed my life personally. But Jesus did when He died.
So Jesus is the Revolutionary I celebrate tonight, as I worship on this Sabbath day. I celebrate Jesus, because He is the One who died for me. He is the One that let go of Himself, so I could reach my full potential. He is the One that rescued me and set my heart on fire. Even as I say all these things, the words seem void of meaning, because Jesus cannot be limited to words.
So today, I celebrate Jesus, for ALL He does. :)
On my way home from work today, I saw a humongous bird (not sure what it was; my brother says it could've been a golden eagle) take flight from the side of the road, and it narrowly missed my windshield before soaring above the towering trees. It was a majestic thing. I remember being in awe, just watching it, but being also so glad that I didn't collide with it...
And I, like that bird, am about to take flight to be free, narrowly missing all the dangers I have faced, but ready, oh so ready, to soar. :)
Ash the (Freed) Dreamer
16 April 2009
trusting Jesus...
just wanted to post a little update since my "prayer" blog... :) life hasn't been too easy for me in the past couple days... i've been worrying way too much, probably since i don't feel like i've been listening to God's voice too much. there's some things that really mean a lot to me, and i've grown to love them incredibly, and the idea of cutting them out of my life because it's God's will is very hard for me. when i love something, i don't want to let it go...
anyway, i've just been thinking about what it means to trust in God lately, to give everything to Him and to stop trusting in myself. when i was younger, i didn't have as many complications with life and i knew right where i was going. depression complicates and confuses things a lot, and i really haven't known where i was going with a lot of things lately... i've been really trying to live life like God wants me to, but it feels so strange to listen to God completely now. a good strange, but still very different.
it makes me sick that i've lost hold of this relationship so much that i barely knew to seek it anymore...
and yet, i have a paper due tomorrow, and i really want to work on this story, but i am so adamant about not moving forward until i know God's will. and every time i think about this story that i so want to write, i'm afraid that, by even considering it, i am going against God's plan for me.
i want to seek God's will. i want to do what He has called me to do. even if it means bidding eliza and noah and hadley and amelia and james and olive and bristol and lulu and abby and grant and bailey and the baby and sam and nathan and all the other characters in this story... i just wish it was easier to hear God's voice.
has anyone else come across that? i always thought i had the answers when i was younger, that i knew just where life was headed and just the place i needed to be as it moved along, but i'm not so sure anymore. in the past couple days since my last blog, though, one thing has become CRYSTAL clear to me. i want to walk with Jesus, to follow in His footsteps and keep His commands, to follow His vision for me, and to always love like Jesus loved. i know writing stories will always be a part of who i am and what i do, but for now, i am content to watch movies with naomi and tease my brother and sisters and anticipate when my father arrives on may 6 to take me home to a beautiful hill in southeastern pennsylvania, where my heart and dreams lie. maybe that baby girl in my story will be maria. maybe i'll get to tell eliza's story. and maybe i won't. maybe i don't know where life is headed anymore.
but now i have Jesus at my side, and i know He is guiding me in the direction i need to go, and that's more than i could have said a couple of days ago.
until next time,
ash the (waiting) dreamer :)
anyway, i've just been thinking about what it means to trust in God lately, to give everything to Him and to stop trusting in myself. when i was younger, i didn't have as many complications with life and i knew right where i was going. depression complicates and confuses things a lot, and i really haven't known where i was going with a lot of things lately... i've been really trying to live life like God wants me to, but it feels so strange to listen to God completely now. a good strange, but still very different.
it makes me sick that i've lost hold of this relationship so much that i barely knew to seek it anymore...
and yet, i have a paper due tomorrow, and i really want to work on this story, but i am so adamant about not moving forward until i know God's will. and every time i think about this story that i so want to write, i'm afraid that, by even considering it, i am going against God's plan for me.
i want to seek God's will. i want to do what He has called me to do. even if it means bidding eliza and noah and hadley and amelia and james and olive and bristol and lulu and abby and grant and bailey and the baby and sam and nathan and all the other characters in this story... i just wish it was easier to hear God's voice.
has anyone else come across that? i always thought i had the answers when i was younger, that i knew just where life was headed and just the place i needed to be as it moved along, but i'm not so sure anymore. in the past couple days since my last blog, though, one thing has become CRYSTAL clear to me. i want to walk with Jesus, to follow in His footsteps and keep His commands, to follow His vision for me, and to always love like Jesus loved. i know writing stories will always be a part of who i am and what i do, but for now, i am content to watch movies with naomi and tease my brother and sisters and anticipate when my father arrives on may 6 to take me home to a beautiful hill in southeastern pennsylvania, where my heart and dreams lie. maybe that baby girl in my story will be maria. maybe i'll get to tell eliza's story. and maybe i won't. maybe i don't know where life is headed anymore.
but now i have Jesus at my side, and i know He is guiding me in the direction i need to go, and that's more than i could have said a couple of days ago.
until next time,
ash the (waiting) dreamer :)
13 April 2009
The First Amazing Story of Ashley the Magnificent... lol.
This time, I actually have a good story to tell! I have to speedy-type it, though, since I have to read quite a bit for history, I wanted to be in bed by midnight, and I haven't even started yet! AHH! LOL.
Okay, so this story of Ashley the Magnificent (my self-imposed hero name) takes places very early this morning, when it had barely become this morning. I was getting ready to go beddy-bye, and I was in my bunk in my dorm room, snuggling under my beautiful pastel quilt that my mommy made me when I was ten, and listening to music and saying my evening prayers, while my roommate continued to do her homework. She had a small light on by the door, so the room was dimly lit. As I listened to a song I really liked (at this point, I have no clue what song it was; for details' sake, let's say it was "Let It Out Now" by Leeland. *grin*), I noticed a monstrous spider crawling across the ceiling of our dorm room, and getting ready to hide between the ceiling and the overhead light!
Now, Ashley the Magnificent is deathly afraid of spiders biting her in her sleep, so she screamed like the little girl she loves to pretend to be, and squealed "EWWWW!!!!" in hopes that her roommate was braver than she was. (Remind me why I am Ashley the Magnificent? lol) But alas, Kelli the Wise is even more scared of bugs than Ashley the Magnificent, so she says, "EWWWW!!!! Kill it!!!!" And she tries to hand me her flipflop! I get a vaguely confused look on my face, and I ask, "How am I supposed to kill it! I don't even know where it went!!!!"
So then Kelli the Wise said, "What about bugspray?"
Ashley the Magnificent (aka Ashley the Mentally Challenged) said, "Oh, I think I have some!"
So I climbed off of my bunk bed and searched in one of my boxes, and found a can of bugspray with Deet in it! All well and good, so I sprayed it straight up in the air. Voila! And the spider was knocked onto the ground, and I ground it to smitherines with my beautiful ballerina flat! (Or ballet flat, which is the correct term? I can never remember, lol.)
So, you may ask, why does Ashley the Magnificent call herself Ashley the Mentally Challenged?
Well, I will tell you! Because I sprayed the bugspray STRAIGHT UP! Meaning, I was directly underneath it! And the mist sprayed down, INTO MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUPER GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!! Has anyone else tasted Deet? Cuz it is NASTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wiped my tongue off on my sleeve and went to go get a drink.
Little did I know that Deet is HIGHLY POISONOUS! (Thanks, Mom, for telling me that, 24 hours AFTER I let that stuff get in my mouth!) UGH! If I didn't keel over and die by now, do you think I'm safe? I hope so! Cuz if I'm not, I dunno what to do! :*(
Y'all, pray for me, that Deet doesn't have a delaying poisonous effect! I don't wanna die!!!!
LOL. That was the highlight of my semester. That, and falling on the sidewalk TWICE in twenty-four hours! My foot's swollen, I ache all over, and I think I might have bruised my butt an scraped off a layer of toe nail on my left foot! (I was wearing flipflops). Other than that, it's life as usual... well, have a good week, everybody! Not sure when I'll blog again. :)
Happy day!
Till later,
Ash the (Hopeful again) Dreamer! :))))
Okay, so this story of Ashley the Magnificent (my self-imposed hero name) takes places very early this morning, when it had barely become this morning. I was getting ready to go beddy-bye, and I was in my bunk in my dorm room, snuggling under my beautiful pastel quilt that my mommy made me when I was ten, and listening to music and saying my evening prayers, while my roommate continued to do her homework. She had a small light on by the door, so the room was dimly lit. As I listened to a song I really liked (at this point, I have no clue what song it was; for details' sake, let's say it was "Let It Out Now" by Leeland. *grin*), I noticed a monstrous spider crawling across the ceiling of our dorm room, and getting ready to hide between the ceiling and the overhead light!
Now, Ashley the Magnificent is deathly afraid of spiders biting her in her sleep, so she screamed like the little girl she loves to pretend to be, and squealed "EWWWW!!!!" in hopes that her roommate was braver than she was. (Remind me why I am Ashley the Magnificent? lol) But alas, Kelli the Wise is even more scared of bugs than Ashley the Magnificent, so she says, "EWWWW!!!! Kill it!!!!" And she tries to hand me her flipflop! I get a vaguely confused look on my face, and I ask, "How am I supposed to kill it! I don't even know where it went!!!!"
So then Kelli the Wise said, "What about bugspray?"
Ashley the Magnificent (aka Ashley the Mentally Challenged) said, "Oh, I think I have some!"
So I climbed off of my bunk bed and searched in one of my boxes, and found a can of bugspray with Deet in it! All well and good, so I sprayed it straight up in the air. Voila! And the spider was knocked onto the ground, and I ground it to smitherines with my beautiful ballerina flat! (Or ballet flat, which is the correct term? I can never remember, lol.)
So, you may ask, why does Ashley the Magnificent call herself Ashley the Mentally Challenged?
Well, I will tell you! Because I sprayed the bugspray STRAIGHT UP! Meaning, I was directly underneath it! And the mist sprayed down, INTO MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUPER GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!! Has anyone else tasted Deet? Cuz it is NASTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wiped my tongue off on my sleeve and went to go get a drink.
Little did I know that Deet is HIGHLY POISONOUS! (Thanks, Mom, for telling me that, 24 hours AFTER I let that stuff get in my mouth!) UGH! If I didn't keel over and die by now, do you think I'm safe? I hope so! Cuz if I'm not, I dunno what to do! :*(
Y'all, pray for me, that Deet doesn't have a delaying poisonous effect! I don't wanna die!!!!
LOL. That was the highlight of my semester. That, and falling on the sidewalk TWICE in twenty-four hours! My foot's swollen, I ache all over, and I think I might have bruised my butt an scraped off a layer of toe nail on my left foot! (I was wearing flipflops). Other than that, it's life as usual... well, have a good week, everybody! Not sure when I'll blog again. :)
Happy day!
Till later,
Ash the (Hopeful again) Dreamer! :))))
12 April 2009
Pray for Me...
I echo the title of this post. If you've ready any of my blogs, you have probably heard about my struggle with depression. Most days, recently, I have been winning in that struggle. This weekend, though, the struggle has been on the losing end for me. I don't know why--I can never say why. I don't know if there really is a reason why depression exists, beyond the fact that evil exists, and as long as evil exists, hurt and confusion--and this cancer that we call depression--will also exist.
I have a book report due on Friday; I still have two or three research papers due before the end of the semester; I still have about 25 days left until I get to travel home, and I just have too much on my plate right now to deal with depression. No one should ever have to deal with depression, but I guess it is a fact of life. I was really getting excited about this book I was writing, though (it's called Arianne; it's such a hopeful book, about love and hope and healing, all the stuff I need right now), but I have come to learn that depression and my hopeful stories don't mix, because when I write about hope when I'm filled with despair, it might sound hopeful to others, but writing is a form of healing for me, and when I try to help others heal when I'm broken-hearted... It just doesn't work. So I'm going to have to lay aside Arianne and Eliza and Noah and Hadley and Jacob and Amelia and Abby and Grant and Olive and Sam and Nathan and Bailey and Jewel and all my other characters in this book. God has a mighty purpose behind that book, and if I get in the middle of it now, I will just ruin the gem that God placed in my life. It is so hard to make these decisions, but when depression comes in like this, I know what I need to do now.
Sometimes dealing with depression is the hardest thing I think I ever have to do. If you never experienced clinical depression, you might not understand, and I understand that I am rambling right now, trying to deal with the pain and the hurt that depression forces upon my heart. And as my tears fall and I try to figure out what is next, I know three things: one, God is with me; two, God will give me hope (even when I can't see it), and three, I can NEVER. EVER. GIVE. UP. Depression isn't worth it. I know I'll come to a brighter day in my life, and I know I'll get through this. It's just... right now I wish Satan was already in hell and Jesus had extincted this cancer that I have--the cancer of depression. Everyone has their own battle--this is mine. I just pray that God will give me the strength to endure it.
Oh, my throat burns. I think somehow my throat became inflamed during the time that I wrote this. Not sure how. Pray for me, anyway. If you read this. God has a plan for me that only He knows. Maybe one day, He'll see fit to reveal it to me.
Until then, I keep moving forward. Pray for me. Please. It is so hard to deal with depression.
Love,
Ash the Jaded Dreamer (hopefully, tomorrow I'll be the Hopeful Dreamer)
PS... Happy Easter. Don't let my gloominess let you forget the hope that Jesus brought to this earth 2000 years ago.
PPS... The picture is of me and my little second cousin, Benjamin. :) He's so cute. Anyway, it echos back to a happier, less depressed time (Spring Break!). Happy Weekend, guys!
10 April 2009
A Hope and a Revolution
I can't believe that it is going to be Easter on Sunday. I haven't really celebrated Easter as much as the common Christian does... Because I know it's was built on top of a pagan holiday, but so was Christmas, so go figure. Anyways!
But Easter does hold a lot of meaning for me. I like being home, and being with family, and coloring Easter eggs and writing all the names of the characters in the story I am writing all over the Easter eggs, and the way my family thinks I'm crazy for doing so, and hiding Easter eggs for my two little sisters to find, and eating this amazing egg concoction called "Goldenrod" that my dad makes every Easter for supper, and going to the Easter Sabbath program the day before Easter, and hearing about all the hype and seeing what is in my Easter basket... all that yummy candy and an occasional gift (this year, I think my mom sent me two! I won't get the package till Monday, though).
Anyway, all of these Easter traditions my family has reminds me of home tonight, and I just wish that I could be there. Whose bright idea was it to make spring break to be a month before Easter in college? Yeah, they needed a brain transplant, that's for sure.
By this time today, about two thousand years ago, if this was the actual weekend that Jesus was crucified, Jesus would have already faced all the torture. Last night, He would have been publicly humiliated before Caiaphas and Annas, and tried unfairly, and eventually spit upon and flogged and punched. By now, the crown of thorns has been pressed so deeply into the soft flesh around His temples that He bled. And bled. And bled. And He has already walked up that long walk from the Via Doloroso to the Place of the Skull, and He had seen how they had forced Simon to bear His burden. And then, He stumbled to the ground when one of the Roman soldiers shoved Him there, and He bit His lip so hard that blood came out when they pounded the nails into the soft flesh just below His wrists to keep from crying out. And when they nailed His feet to the cross, silent tears trailed down His grimy face, and He glanced over to see His momma, at the front of the crowd, shaking and sobbing, not understanding. He didn't understand! And when they lifted the cross from the ground! It jolted His body with more excruciating pain than He had ever experienced, and when they dropped His tree into the ground, the nails ripped bigger holes in His feet and his hands, and His head bounced off of the wood. The thorns pressed deeper into the back of his head, and fresh blood oozed out of his head. He waited for hours--He waited for hours to DIE. At one point, He saw the pain and loneliness in His momma's eyes, and the fear in John's eyes. And He gave His mother to John. More waiting. More pain. And on top of it all, all Jesus experienced was that He was dying. And His Father had rejected Him. I'll never see Him again, He must have thought. And then, He cried out, "It is finished!" And it was finished. And God died.
Can you imagine? Why do we downplay the raw emotion in this story? To these people--John, Peter, Mary, Judas, Jesus--this wasn't a BEGINNING. It was the bitter END! And it was bitter and painful and cruel and heartless, and we go and pain Easter eggs and wave to the Easter bunnies all over the malls and by the side of the road and we watch passion plays, and yet, the last time I cried about when they killed Jesus was when I was an innocent six-year-old. Jesus, why do we make little of You? World, why do we let everything get in the way of seeing how beautiful and loving and present Jesus is? World, why are we content with the Easter Bunny when we can have JESUS?
The Christian church says that Easter is about hope, and it is. And I don't want to downplay that. But Easter is also about a revolution that began. And I'm afraid half of us have lost the fervor for that revolution.
Jesus, help me to have the hope and the revolution. Amen.
Until next time,
Ash
06 March 2009
In Six Days... YAY!
hi. i'm really sleepy tonight, so it's not going to be long.
not really much to tell, but there's some pretty exciting count-downs happening on the whiteboard outside my dorm room door:
06 days till Spring Break
14 days till Ashley's (that's me!) 21st Birthday!!!
08 days till my second Sanctus Real concert!!!! (okay, this one's not on the whiteboard, but it should be!!!)
All I'm worried about is getting a ride to the airport! Otherwise, I'm set for Spring Break, after I finish all this stinkin' homework! ugh. Anyways, that's about it for now. I'll have exciting stories for the whole time of Spring Break; I'm doing a lot (the SR concert, my birthday, getting to see my favoritest little three-year-old Laney--EEEPPPP!!!!!!--seeing family, seeing my grandmother who's dying of lung cancer, meeting my new second cousin Emma, going to see all my old coworkers from last semester, maybe some job hunting, definitely some book shopping, some college planning... and maybe even going to see the movie duplicity after it comes out in theaters!!!! yeah, that is a lot, alright!). so if i have time in the midst of all of that (oh, and some reading for homework and some writing for fun, too! and catching up on some NCIS episodes...), then i'll definitely spill all of it. i'm so excited. :)
well, i'm going to try to post a video from the sanctus real concert in september, but it might not work very well, because the internet is really slow on campus.
happy weekend, everybody!
not really much to tell, but there's some pretty exciting count-downs happening on the whiteboard outside my dorm room door:
06 days till Spring Break
14 days till Ashley's (that's me!) 21st Birthday!!!
08 days till my second Sanctus Real concert!!!! (okay, this one's not on the whiteboard, but it should be!!!)
All I'm worried about is getting a ride to the airport! Otherwise, I'm set for Spring Break, after I finish all this stinkin' homework! ugh. Anyways, that's about it for now. I'll have exciting stories for the whole time of Spring Break; I'm doing a lot (the SR concert, my birthday, getting to see my favoritest little three-year-old Laney--EEEPPPP!!!!!!--seeing family, seeing my grandmother who's dying of lung cancer, meeting my new second cousin Emma, going to see all my old coworkers from last semester, maybe some job hunting, definitely some book shopping, some college planning... and maybe even going to see the movie duplicity after it comes out in theaters!!!! yeah, that is a lot, alright!). so if i have time in the midst of all of that (oh, and some reading for homework and some writing for fun, too! and catching up on some NCIS episodes...), then i'll definitely spill all of it. i'm so excited. :)
well, i'm going to try to post a video from the sanctus real concert in september, but it might not work very well, because the internet is really slow on campus.
happy weekend, everybody!
07 January 2009
so, i'm back at my private college in the midwest, and i never thought it would be this different!!!!!!!!!! i can't believe it. i figured i'd keep you up-to-date, though, so here's my update.
my friends are awesome. i can't believe i have gone this long without seeing them. they're gonna kill me if i become a task force dean next school year. haha. oh, yeah. i'm trying to be a task force dean at my old boarding academy. hope that works. we'll see. i just got internet today, and i'm pretty psyched about that. i just found out i have no quarters or laundry detergent for doing laundry, and i'm not too psyched about that. i can't find my new pjs that i got for Christmas, and i am not too psyched about that, either. i am pretty psyched that i've been talkin to some people about baby names, lately, though. can't believe how addicting that is. maybe they should have another na (is there a narcotics anonymous? there should be a names anonymous. man, i need help, lol).
i have three psych classes, a history class, a badminton class (which i'm totally psyched for... i LOVE playing badminton, and i haven't gotten to since, like, eighth grade), and a Bible class (which i'm pretty psyched for, too!). mainly, i'm psyched to be alive, and psyched that i'm around all these people that are crazy about me, and i don't even know why!!!!!!! haha. i guess i really am loved. can't wait to meet sanctus real again... i'm planning on that for my spring break (hopefully, anyway!!!!!). i'm planning something, but i want it to be a surprise! so i'll tell you all about it later.
i think i should apply for scholarships here. that way, i can get more money, so i'll have money to go to the sanctus real concert over break. that'll be awesome. i talked to my mom today, and she's gonna send me a care package... already! YAY!!!!!! i can't wait. cookies and pudding and nutella and pop-tarts and string cheese and apple cider!!!!!!!!!! my favorite-est things in the whole world! :) (well, besides people and things about Jesus and the Bible and writing, of course, lol)
well, i'm getting tired, and i have a crazy load of classes tomorrow, so i'll talk to you guys later... :)
love,
ash
my friends are awesome. i can't believe i have gone this long without seeing them. they're gonna kill me if i become a task force dean next school year. haha. oh, yeah. i'm trying to be a task force dean at my old boarding academy. hope that works. we'll see. i just got internet today, and i'm pretty psyched about that. i just found out i have no quarters or laundry detergent for doing laundry, and i'm not too psyched about that. i can't find my new pjs that i got for Christmas, and i am not too psyched about that, either. i am pretty psyched that i've been talkin to some people about baby names, lately, though. can't believe how addicting that is. maybe they should have another na (is there a narcotics anonymous? there should be a names anonymous. man, i need help, lol).
i have three psych classes, a history class, a badminton class (which i'm totally psyched for... i LOVE playing badminton, and i haven't gotten to since, like, eighth grade), and a Bible class (which i'm pretty psyched for, too!). mainly, i'm psyched to be alive, and psyched that i'm around all these people that are crazy about me, and i don't even know why!!!!!!! haha. i guess i really am loved. can't wait to meet sanctus real again... i'm planning on that for my spring break (hopefully, anyway!!!!!). i'm planning something, but i want it to be a surprise! so i'll tell you all about it later.
i think i should apply for scholarships here. that way, i can get more money, so i'll have money to go to the sanctus real concert over break. that'll be awesome. i talked to my mom today, and she's gonna send me a care package... already! YAY!!!!!! i can't wait. cookies and pudding and nutella and pop-tarts and string cheese and apple cider!!!!!!!!!! my favorite-est things in the whole world! :) (well, besides people and things about Jesus and the Bible and writing, of course, lol)
well, i'm getting tired, and i have a crazy load of classes tomorrow, so i'll talk to you guys later... :)
love,
ash
02 January 2009
toes and drummers and marriage and twitter...
i stubbed my toe today. actually, about an hour ago. and it hurts REALLY bad. i almost passed out. but then again, i have a low tolerance for pain, so that's not really saying much.
i got a twitter account since my last post. still not sure if i want to put it on my blog. i just found my cousin in france on twitter. that made me pretty psyched. i haven't seen her for years, and i haven't talked to her for months. :*(
and for some reason really unknown to me, mark graalman, the drummer from sanctus real, is following my posts. ??????????????????!!!!!!!!!! i really don't get that, but i don't object! maybe that's God's way for getting me to be able to start that ministry for sanctus real and all the other Christian bands i was talking about earlier last year. :))) man, i sure do want to meet his little boys. ben and nate are sooooooooo adorable. so are claire and emmy, even though the girls are matt hammitt's, not mark graalman's, lol. i think i want to meet them more.
i leave for my new school at around 4 o'clock in the morning on sunday, so this is probably my last post on the east coast. the next time, it'll be in the middle of the midwest, in the middle of nowhere. *sigh*. i'm kind of looking forward to it, but i'm also afraid of some things.
i decided to change my major. did i tell you guys that, too? i changed it to psychology. i pretty much hate the idea of going to school for about seven more years, just so i can help the next generation to believe in marriage, and for this generation to fall in love with God's plan. but i really do believe in it, and i believe it is something God really called me to. other things are just my interests, but i think, if i can't write stories and help people fix their marriages, and meet sanctus real and preach all over america and change the next generation... if i can't do that, i think i will die.
well, i'm not feeling to great (health-wise), and i am really tired. i'm going to do my Bible study and call it a night. sweet dreams, internetdom. :)
till later,
ash the dreamer...
19 December 2008
this Christmas...
this Christmas has been interesting this year... my grandmother is in the hospital with cancer and pneumonia, my parents are really stressed, and i have been so busy with finishing up my semester in public school and working at taco bell and getting ready to return to my Christian college that this Christmas season has been different. and not in a good way.
i was told i couldn't say merry Christmas at work. every time i said it to a Christian, they just about blew my head off. then i had to explain to them that i went to work with this one girl, this other guy was my teacher in high school, and so on. SOOOOOOOOOOOO annoying. now i just say have a good day, because it makes me seethe inside to have to say happy holidays instead of merry Christmas. *sigh*. i still sometimes forget and say it anyway. i saw a lady with a pin that said "it's okay to say Merry Christmas," and i smiled. i wish i had a chance to tell her Merry Christmas.
this Christmas, i am learning more the "reason for the season". i always knew it was supposed to be Jesus, but it never really hit me here, deep in my heart. i've been learning about that. every year it becomes more important, and, this year, i think i would be okay if i didn't get any presents. sure, i really want that new purple iPod and a bunch of new books and that different version of the Bible that i don't have, and one of the sanctus real songs that i still don't have in my possession, but if i didn't get any of that... if i didn't get anything material, if my family didn't celebrate Christmas... i don't think i would pass out. i've been thinking about Jesus a lot. about how beautiful was His love when He came to sacrifice Himself for me, and what it must have been like to be Mary or Joseph. i like that. that i am seeing this season the way Jesus wants me to see it, whether or not this was when Jesus came to this earth.
the past two days i worked, there was this family that came in to taco bell. every time i see them come in, i'm excited to take their order, because they're deaf. the father has a cochlear implant, so he can talk a little, but the wife and children don't talk at all. it's so interesting to watch them use asl as they eat. they can talk with their mouths full! (haha, lame joke, but it was an interesting observation when i made it!) but it's always been a dream of mine to meet and talk to someone who is deaf... (i really want the conversation to be in asl, but for now, i will have to deal with this.) so what does this have to do with Christmas? i am not sure, actually. i guess it just teaches me to have more of a servant's heart. i realize i treat them with more love than a lot of people i serve.
tonight i made some pretty cool ornaments while i watched "the inn of the sixth happiness" (about gladys aylward) for family worship. i'm pretty stoked about that. i'm gonna collect them so i can use them on my Christmas tree when i don't live with my parents anymore. :)
see?
that's about all i have to say right now. Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (cuz i can say it here!)
till the next time,
ash
12 August 2008
pray for us...
This is my momma. She's the coolest momma ever... I promise. :)I guess this isn't the coolest blog story ever, but today we received the news that my mom has been fired/laid off today, and this is really hard on our family.
Receiving news like that is like realizing you are clinically depressed--it's like you've been sucker-punched; all the air goes out of you and you double over. We're all just really worried about the future, and what's going to happen.
I believe in prayer and that God makes no mistakes, but that doesn't mean life is easy. Please pray for my family and my momma.
Talk to you guys soon,
Ash
05 August 2008
nothing is everything
i haven't been up to much lately, just learning about my little brother's passion, photography. yup, yup. i never really was that much into taking pictures, but over the past three days, i've done it a LOT. just figured i'd post some of them for you to see. :) not much exciting going on with me, just getting ready to go back to college.
the thing i wish i knew most how to communicate but i still have no clue how to say that everything can happen in a moment where nothing is going on. i hate it when people ask me, "what did you do this summer?" after they talk about working at summer camp or going to concerts or europe and stuff like that. what do i say? "umm... i worked at taco bell. all summer. real boring." except it WASN'T BORING... being with family isn't boring. overcoming depression isn't boring. falling in love with Jesus isn't boring. dreaming of life isn't boring. figuring out my life calling isn't boring. but man, how do you say that when taco bell is so much less exciting than going to romania and rebuilding a house? or watching 20 kids get baptized after seeing your witness at summer camp?
nothing is everything. that's what i say tonight. cuz dreams start out of nothing, and sometimes nothing is good.
-ash
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