gahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! i have two projects i really need to work on, but i'm sooooooooooooo mad, because my computer died on me tonight!!!!!!!! gah, i'm so very mad. :/ i think sarah (aka my computer... in case you didn't know, i name EVERYTHING) finally gave up the ghost. :/ but all my stories are on there! :/ i really hope i can get something worked out, but until then, i have to steal my parents computer, and NOBODY likes that.
sorry, just had to vent. :/
anyway, so it just seems like an impossible situation. my dad says that i can't get my files off my computer unless i can get it restarted, and i don't even have anywhere to transfer them to, even if i could get them off my computer. we have an extra computer, but it doesn't have internet connection, so that's no good. :/ and i don't want to deplete my savings to buy another one! :/ sooooooooooooo... i'm seriously about to have a fit tonight. :/ i've been between tears and a fit of anger all night. :/ so pray for me, y'all...
anywho! i have to get back to my science project. but thanks for letting me vent. :/
till next time,
ash the (emotional) dreamer
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
21 November 2009
09 October 2009
the injustices...
It's dark outside. Here we are again, same place, same time, every week. New song, same heart, same me. I'm listening to Francesca Battistelli's "It's Your Life," and it's just fueling the fire inside of me.
I've been mad about a lot of stuff lately. About the injustices.
Gah, I really would love to strangle somebody or something right now.
I remember someone tweeting (on Twitter) this week about the irony of the fact that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, but the US is bombing the moon to see if it has a reliable water source. I mean, really?! And President Obama is considering sending more troops to Afghanistan. REALLY?! How is that in the spirit of bringing peace? Really, I'm all about breaking the bonds and helping children and women who are oppressed, but after all this time, I think it's time for a little bit of peace. That, and to let the soldiers have a break. After all that they have done.
I saw a picture today of a formation of military soldiers. Standing at attention. With a little girl in a pretty pink dress, clinging to her daddy's hand. I don't know what the military had to say about that, but it tore my heart out. I still want to cry about it.
My old principal from elementary school is going to this leadership conference in Georgia this weekend, and he posted something on facebook about getting involved with helping orphans. I checked out the website (www.143million.org), and it's all about how to help orphans, and yes, there are 143 million orphans in the world.
That makes me SICK.
More than that, it makes me sick that I'm considered too young, too inexperienced, with too unstable of an income with too little money to adopt every single one of them. And adopt them out to families that really, truly would love each and everyone of them.
And it makes me even more sick to think that my mom is too scared of loving an orphan to even consider foster care, and my dad is too angry and focused on his job and worried about finances to be the face of Jesus to just one more child.
It makes me sick that every time I hear about another family having another child, or adopting a kid, or taking in foster children, that I have to sit here blogging about how utterly sick and furious I am, because my hands are tied.
It makes me sick I don't even have $38 a month to sponsor a Compassion International child. It makes me sick that I can barely scrape enough money together to pay off my school bills and send seven dollars to an amazing ministry called Mocha Club.
It makes me sick that I can only be so much of Jesus' hands and feet, while a lot of the rest of Jesus is just sitting there, when they can do so much more than I can do.
I'm just so sick of sitting still, of not doing ANYthing. I'm sick of being satisfied of being here, doing homework, watching TV, working at a Taco Bell that tells me to get people to donate dollars to help starving children in Africa, and when my heart is ripped out by well-off American after well-off American denies dying children who don't even have a chance, then they yell at me for focusing more on the children than on keeping the dining room clean and keeping people happy.
I'm sick of not even loving my major. I'm sick of just dreaming of change. I'm sick of going through the motions. I'm sick of not making a difference. I'm sick of fitting into the "good girl", studious, church-mouse shell of the powerhouse of a person Jesus created me to be!
And more than ANYTHING else, I'm sick of knowing all the things that need to be done, but knowing I don't have ANY resources, and not even knowing where to go! or WHAT to do, or how to go about doing it, and I just get sick inside, day after day, and it just can't keep going on like this.
Maybe I should pack a suitcase or two, fly to a poor European country, apply to work at an orphanage, and read my Bible everyday, and stop watching TV and pretending to care about all these insignificant things.
I don't feel like I was created for this life. I feel like I've been put in the wrong place entirely, and I keep hearing, "Go, go, go!" in my ears, but I don't even know where to go! And now I'm crying, and the world knows it, and still nothing happens.
This world makes me sick.
I can't wait till I get to heaven and all I have to worry about is seeing the approval and the love in Jesus' eyes, and being a friend to every person, and singing praises to Jesus and loving people like my heart was made for. Or maybe I was meant to go on the road with Christian bands and preach Jesus. I don't even know. All I know is that I can't stand this much longer.
Ash the (Despondent) Dreamer
I've been mad about a lot of stuff lately. About the injustices.
Gah, I really would love to strangle somebody or something right now.
I remember someone tweeting (on Twitter) this week about the irony of the fact that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, but the US is bombing the moon to see if it has a reliable water source. I mean, really?! And President Obama is considering sending more troops to Afghanistan. REALLY?! How is that in the spirit of bringing peace? Really, I'm all about breaking the bonds and helping children and women who are oppressed, but after all this time, I think it's time for a little bit of peace. That, and to let the soldiers have a break. After all that they have done.
I saw a picture today of a formation of military soldiers. Standing at attention. With a little girl in a pretty pink dress, clinging to her daddy's hand. I don't know what the military had to say about that, but it tore my heart out. I still want to cry about it.
My old principal from elementary school is going to this leadership conference in Georgia this weekend, and he posted something on facebook about getting involved with helping orphans. I checked out the website (www.143million.org), and it's all about how to help orphans, and yes, there are 143 million orphans in the world.
That makes me SICK.
More than that, it makes me sick that I'm considered too young, too inexperienced, with too unstable of an income with too little money to adopt every single one of them. And adopt them out to families that really, truly would love each and everyone of them.
And it makes me even more sick to think that my mom is too scared of loving an orphan to even consider foster care, and my dad is too angry and focused on his job and worried about finances to be the face of Jesus to just one more child.
It makes me sick that every time I hear about another family having another child, or adopting a kid, or taking in foster children, that I have to sit here blogging about how utterly sick and furious I am, because my hands are tied.
It makes me sick I don't even have $38 a month to sponsor a Compassion International child. It makes me sick that I can barely scrape enough money together to pay off my school bills and send seven dollars to an amazing ministry called Mocha Club.
It makes me sick that I can only be so much of Jesus' hands and feet, while a lot of the rest of Jesus is just sitting there, when they can do so much more than I can do.
I'm just so sick of sitting still, of not doing ANYthing. I'm sick of being satisfied of being here, doing homework, watching TV, working at a Taco Bell that tells me to get people to donate dollars to help starving children in Africa, and when my heart is ripped out by well-off American after well-off American denies dying children who don't even have a chance, then they yell at me for focusing more on the children than on keeping the dining room clean and keeping people happy.
I'm sick of not even loving my major. I'm sick of just dreaming of change. I'm sick of going through the motions. I'm sick of not making a difference. I'm sick of fitting into the "good girl", studious, church-mouse shell of the powerhouse of a person Jesus created me to be!
And more than ANYTHING else, I'm sick of knowing all the things that need to be done, but knowing I don't have ANY resources, and not even knowing where to go! or WHAT to do, or how to go about doing it, and I just get sick inside, day after day, and it just can't keep going on like this.
Maybe I should pack a suitcase or two, fly to a poor European country, apply to work at an orphanage, and read my Bible everyday, and stop watching TV and pretending to care about all these insignificant things.
I don't feel like I was created for this life. I feel like I've been put in the wrong place entirely, and I keep hearing, "Go, go, go!" in my ears, but I don't even know where to go! And now I'm crying, and the world knows it, and still nothing happens.
This world makes me sick.
I can't wait till I get to heaven and all I have to worry about is seeing the approval and the love in Jesus' eyes, and being a friend to every person, and singing praises to Jesus and loving people like my heart was made for. Or maybe I was meant to go on the road with Christian bands and preach Jesus. I don't even know. All I know is that I can't stand this much longer.
Ash the (Despondent) Dreamer
12 June 2009
the words we choose...
Today, I got into what felt like a pretty ugly fight. :*( I am a member of this baby name site... I use it to help name some of the characters in my stories, and to think of my favorite names that I would love to name my children someday, but, mostly, it's to appease my RIDICULOUS and sometimes unhealthy obsession with names. lol. :)
Anyway, it's called parentsconnect.com. They have all these different forums that people ask for advice and thoughts on names and such... And I just love that place. I think I spend more time on PC than I spend anywhere else. Which is kind of unhealthy, I think. :*(
Anyway... so I was on there today, and one of the other members mentioned that her cousin was going to name her daughter Jezebel. It pretty much appalled me, but I wasn't trying to castrate anybody or anything! But it turned into this cyber smashdown (is that the right word?) between atheists and Christians. Some other Christians were posting, but the majority of them didn't even know the story of Elijah and Jezebel... and I felt like I was battling the world, and I felt the harshness of the world very acutely. :*(
And I guess I said some things that really hurt some people, and I didn't want to. :*( And now, I just feel at a loss of how to reach people with Jesus. I feel called to take the news of Jesus to the world, but how do you even speak to people who are so hostile, so hostile against Jesus? I apologized profusely, but I wish I could have done it differently. I just don't know what I would have done instead. :*(
I remember Matthew West (a REALLY cool Christian singer dude!) blogging about how we choose our words, so that we don't go through the motions with what we say, and I remember it kind of hit me then, but it hits me even more now. I don't want to hurt people. I love people.
But how do you talk to people, witness like I feel Jesus wants me to, be kind as doves, and show them the tenderhearted Jesus and the truth that they are missing by a mile? How do you choose THOSE words? I just don't know. I mean, friendship seems to work in certain situations. And so do evangelistic series, but what else? It just seems like I can't get it right... :*(
Just something I've been thinking about a LOT today... :*(
Ash the (heartbroken) Dreamer
Anyway, it's called parentsconnect.com. They have all these different forums that people ask for advice and thoughts on names and such... And I just love that place. I think I spend more time on PC than I spend anywhere else. Which is kind of unhealthy, I think. :*(
Anyway... so I was on there today, and one of the other members mentioned that her cousin was going to name her daughter Jezebel. It pretty much appalled me, but I wasn't trying to castrate anybody or anything! But it turned into this cyber smashdown (is that the right word?) between atheists and Christians. Some other Christians were posting, but the majority of them didn't even know the story of Elijah and Jezebel... and I felt like I was battling the world, and I felt the harshness of the world very acutely. :*(
And I guess I said some things that really hurt some people, and I didn't want to. :*( And now, I just feel at a loss of how to reach people with Jesus. I feel called to take the news of Jesus to the world, but how do you even speak to people who are so hostile, so hostile against Jesus? I apologized profusely, but I wish I could have done it differently. I just don't know what I would have done instead. :*(
I remember Matthew West (a REALLY cool Christian singer dude!) blogging about how we choose our words, so that we don't go through the motions with what we say, and I remember it kind of hit me then, but it hits me even more now. I don't want to hurt people. I love people.
But how do you talk to people, witness like I feel Jesus wants me to, be kind as doves, and show them the tenderhearted Jesus and the truth that they are missing by a mile? How do you choose THOSE words? I just don't know. I mean, friendship seems to work in certain situations. And so do evangelistic series, but what else? It just seems like I can't get it right... :*(
Just something I've been thinking about a LOT today... :*(
Ash the (heartbroken) Dreamer
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