Ari and Liliana

Hello!!!!!

I'm so very excited about these two little girls who live in the southern region of the US... Can I tell you their story?

I've changed all the names of the people involved, out of respect for my friend. So I have a friend who lives in the South Carolina/Georgia area of the south, Krista. She has a little girl named Hazel who is positively precious and adorable, who is seven. Krista and her hubby, Danny, recently welcomed twins into the world, Claire and Zavier.

Krista and Danny are really awesome, mission-minded people who really want to help out just about EVERYONE around them. After the twins were born, they decided not to have any more biological children, but while they were still trying to have Claire and Zavier, they had considered adoption... they thought they would be able to adopt this little boy, and had picked out a name for him (Josiah Caleb, but he goes by Caleb). They adoption process was completed just weeks before Claire and Zavier were born. They were excited to have their little family of four.

Then they found out that Caleb had a TWIN BROTHER, and Krista couldn't stand the idea of Caleb and his twin being separated (especially after having twins of her own!), so she and Danny began the process of adopting Caleb's twin, who they named Hudson Jacob.

They were happy, Krista, Danny, Hazel, Caleb, Hudson, Claire, and Zavier, their happy little family. They were content to stay that way. But then there was more news.

When Danny had thought that they would not be able to adopt Caleb, and before they knew about Hudson, he had found out a coworker had a baby girl that he could not take care of, and was desperately looking for someone to adopt her. Danny and his lawyer were working together, seeing if it was even a possibility, without Krista's knowledge.

Then one day, only a little bit after Claire and Zavier had been born, Danny calls Krista from work, crying and hysterical, babbling on about the cops and a baby and a disaster, and that she needed to get there NOW. So Krista hauled her five little ones in their pickup truck down to Danny's work. The place was swarming with an interested crowd, analytical cops, foster care case-workers, and in the midst of it all, Danny was clutching a pitiful, crying baby girl, trying to shield her from the noise, the pain, the world. The cops and caseworkers were trying to take the little baby (no more than a week or so old) away from Danny, and he was crying and wouldn't let her go... Krista climbed out of her truck and made her way through the crowd... to where her husband was.

Krista was confused and even a little angry, about it all... but then she saw the baby. Liliana. She was so beautiful and so perfect, and she just KNEW she had to take in that little baby-girl orphan. So it took a while, but Danny's lawyer showed up and explained that Danny and Krista were in the process of adopting Liliana... and eventually it all died down.

Liliana had to go home to her birth parents that day, but a few days later, Liliana's parents met with Krista and Krista's mom, and that's when Krista found out about Liliana's big sister--Ari.

They met at a fast food restaurant, and when Liliana began to cry, her parents didn't know what to do, so Krista offered to change her diaper. I don't remember all the details, but somehow, while Krista was taking care of Liliana, her parents just LEFT! I can't even imagine that, just leaving my two girls with two total strangers. Just thinking about it makes me crazy-furious.

But because Ari and Liliana had been so malnourished, uncared-for, and even worse, they were hospitalized. This was around January, some time.

Ari just came home from the hospital about a week or two ago.

But that's not all--a few weeks ago, Caleb and Hudson's birth family decided that they wanted the boys back. It was really hard on Krista, Danny, and Hazel. But they decided that it was better for the boys to not be fought over than for the boys to be with them. So Caleb and Hudson are now Micah and Joseph, and are back with their grandparents and their birth momma.

But that's not all.

The pain of not being able to adopt Caleb and Hudson (even after the papers were completely taken care of) drove Krista and Danny to a decision: that they weren't going to adopt at all. Not for now, at least.

I wasn't worried about Caleb and Hudson/Micah and Joseph, because even though their family gave them up for adoption in the first place, it sounds like they will be well cared for. But I WAS scared for Ari and Liliana! I didn't know what would happen to them.

But now Krista's best friend, Christiana, and her hubby, Bryan, are adopting the girls. Ari is now at home with them, and thriving. :) Krista babysits Ari during the day, while Christiana and Bryan are at work, and Liliana is still in the hospital, but getting a little stronger every day.

So now do you know why I am so very excited for Ari and Liliana? Do you know why I'm so excited about ADOPTION?! These precious, innocent little souls are finding hope, love, a future, and every dream they would have ever had if they didn't find a family. And while my soul is horrified for the sadness Krista, Danny, and Hazel have experienced, I am thrilled for the treasure Ari and Liliana have received. Even though Krista and I live states away, she sends me pictures of the girls often, and I can see Ari blossoming. She's so beautiful. And strong. And every time I think about Ari's and Liliana's futures, I can't hope but be hopeful.

Because they have received hope.

And I can only hope that one day, I can give at least one or two little ones the sort of joy and hope and future that Ari and Liliana are receiving. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Relieved, Hopeful, Joyful, Elated) Dreamer

These Things Take Time

Sorry this quality isn't the best, but I positively ADORE this song right now!!!! :)

Do you know why I love this song?

I love it so very much because it says the most perfect thing. To me, right now, anyway.

I have so many questions, so many raging injustices that I can't believe haven't been fixed, so many hurts, and I am the kind of person that wants things fixed IMMEDIATELY. I get a D+ on my science mid-semester grade? I want to do a million extra credit assignments to get it back up to an "A" IMMEDIATELY. I can't wait. I have a dream to help somebody? Who cares if it's 1:30 in the morning! I want to help them NOW!!!! haha. That's just how I'm wired. So it's really hard for me to live patiently.

I was so outraged this week when I heard that people were rescuing a killer whale that KILLED THREE PEOPLE. And apparently my mom's coworker/friend thought it was no big deal that the killer whale killed THREE HUMANS, but she was about to have a cow at the thought of putting the beast down! And apparently, she values the life of one animal above people, above even orphans or children suffering under the abuse of their crazed parents... I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. And so I go to do my Bible study, and I pray, and I'm like, "God, FIX THAT NOW!!!!" And a few sheepish seconds later, I add a meek, humble, "Please..."

My emotions are depleted when I think of the YEARS I have spent trying to get out of depression and OCD, and I turn to Jesus and say, with tears in my eyes, "Jesus, PLEASE, heal me NOW!!!!"

When I think of this lady I know, who is getting a divorce, and how her life with her husband and her two adorable little girls is going to be RIPPED apart, and how she is going to have to get a job, and how her little girls (for the sake of privacy, I'll call them Ella and Genevieve) are hardly ever going to see their daddy anymore... Ella is three--almost four! I'm pretty sure she can understand a little of it, anyway, and this is going to crush her. And Genevieve? Genevieve is about 8 months old. She never even got to see the good side of her daddy. It makes me sick. And my friend--I'll call her Anna--acts like nothing is going on. I can understand that she doesn't want to share and if she just wants to mourn inside of herself, for what she is losing, but it sounds like she doesn't even care that she is losing her husband. And it makes me sick. And I'm like, "Jesus, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE do something!!!!"

And today I found out someone DIED at the Olympics during an event for the Luge (Louge? Can you tell I don't watch the Olympics? haha), and he flew over the rail, and, going 90-some miles an hour, he flew into a metal pole and died, instantly, I guess. I almost started crying at my dinner table. And just thinking about it now, I'm like, "Jesus, why aren't you doing anything?!"

And this week, my one friend who I will call Krista... she has a sweet little girl who is seven who I'll call Hazel. She had twins in December--Claire and Zavier--who are just as adorable. She and her amazing hubby, Danny, were in the process of adopting FOUR children. They had already finished the paperwork for the two one-year-old twin little boys--Caleb and Hudson--and they were officially Krista's and Danny's. :) And they were in the process of adopting two precious little girls, Liliana (about three months old), and her big sister, Ari... I was so excited for this amazing family, because I could only IMAGINE growing up in such an amazingly big, loving, sweet Christian family. Caleb's and Hudson's birth family have been saying they want the boys back, though, and they were so tired from fighting over it that they decided that right now they just can't take it, emotionally, adopting ANY of them. So Caleb and Hudson are going back to their birth family (who it sounds like will take good care of them, even though they gave the boys up for adoption at the beginning), and Krista's friend is adopting Liliana and Ari. And Krista is so torn on the inside and she came to me so sad about it all, and I am sickened that these sorts of things actually HAPPEN to children. :/ And I was like, "JESUS WHY is this happening?! DO something!!!!!"

And all these things happen, and these are just a few examples I know of, and I don't understand it. But when I hear this song, I don't hear that Jesus isn't doing anything, but that if I wait on Jesus, everything will be perfect one day.

And today, that's what I need to hear. :)

Anyway, so happy weekend!

:)

Till next time,
Ash the (Weary) Dreamer

Love Is...

You know, for the longest time, my "dream blog" was to write this blog with this list of what love is. Like, "love is watching dora the explorer with your niece when she's sick and can't sleep... love is washing the dishes when your momma is to weary to... love is leaving your sister alone when she threatens to rip your head off..." haha.

I thought of trying to actually write that blog tonight, but it always comes out wrong. I don't know why.

That, and all I can think of is this one thought:

Love is loving an orphan enough to give them a home and a mommy.

I don't know how passionate you are about orphans, but besides fulfilling Jesus' will for my life and being a missionary for at least a while, adopting orphans is pretty much the highest thing on my list of things that need to be done. :)

And I dunno--lately, I have just fallen in love with orphans everywhere more than ever before. (Is it totally weird to fall in love with children I've never met before?!!) I just googled "European orphans" (because I would love to adopt from either Europe or domestically here in America), and my heart completely melted.

I mean, I just don't understand it. Half the time it makes me sick; the other half it makes me want to weep or be filled with anger. I don't understand how so many MILLIONS of children can be without a mommy and a daddy. I don't understand why people do not want to be the mommy and daddy for these children. I don't understand why the price of adoption is so high. I don't understand why everyone I talk to about adoption tries to keep me from adopting when I am actually old enough and mature enough to handle it. I don't understand why parents CHOOSE to NOT choose their children. They're so beautiful and lovely--WHY do they do that? I don't understand it.

I can't wait until the moment when I get to start the process of adopting my own future children... I don't know where they are, and I don't know how old they are, and I don't know what nation they call home right now, and I don't know the color of their hair or their eyes or if their smile is crooked or if their teeth are perfectly straight or if they love stories like I do or science like my mommy does... I know only one thing about them: that I love them dearly, and that I can't wait to meet them.

So tonight, there are a LOT of things about love that I DON'T know.

But tonight, this is what I know about love. Love is a choice. Love is beautiful. Love is looking into the expectant and lonely eyes of an orphan and crying tears of joy. Love is choosing to leave depression and OCD in the dust for the hope and joy and future of my children. Love is dreaming. Love is beating the odds.

And love is triumph.

One day, I will have my adopted children, and I will tell you ALL about my beautiful children and how they became my children, and I can promise you that they will all be named utterly GORGEOUS names (hehe!), and they will be loved so incredibly much.

Till next time,
Ash the (Inspired) Dreamer

my bucket list.

my mommy up and decided to make her bucket list today. i'm not quite sure why, but i find it interesting.

so i figured i would post my own bucket list.

seeing that i dream these crazy dreams, my bucket list is already inordinately LONG (haha), so i'll spare you the hour-long post by only posting some of my very favorites. :)

1. adopt two little girlies (from romania?).

2. become fluent in french.

3. publish a beautiful novel. (this is the very minimum... i desperately want to publish a million of my stories, not just one measly novel!)

4. be a missionary for at least a year in an orphanage (preferrably in europe).

5. visit prague.

6. find true love.

7. bake cookies for the wordfm (my favorite radio station) and visit with the staff.

8. pray with some of my favorite bands/artists (i'm so weird, i know!).

9. get involved in a youth group.

10. sponsor a little girlie from compassion international.

those are the big ones, right now, anyway. i'm sure there are a million other ones, that i'm crazy passionate about, but i can't think of them right now, and i don't want to put down stuff that don't matter immensely to me. :)

anyway, happy weekend, everyone! :)

till next time,
ash the (determined) dreamer

joy.

hello, everybody!

happy weekend. :)

i'm sick today. i've actually been sick most of the week. i thought i was going to pass out earlier tonight, before supper. it was actually kind of bad. at one point, i thought i had strep throat, too. i guess you should know that i hate being sick. :)

tonight for our family worship, though, as i was trying to ignore the stomach and head pains, and the way my ears throb and how my throat feels like wallpaper... we were watching this amazing preacher whose name is walter pearson.

that man makes me love african american preachers! hehe. :)

anyway, i started seeing the message a little after it was started, so i missed what Bible story he was tying his message into. but he was talking about how needy guys and girls can be when it comes to finding their "perfect soulmate". haha. it's true. the lengths people go for love and for actually finding it, and rejecting it when they thought they had it when they really didn't... it's crazy. i guess that's a perk to never going on a date. i've watched tons of people do crazy, stupid, demeaning things all for the acceptance they seek for in "love". i hope that means i'll know better when it's my turn, but i'm pretty sure i won't have it all figured out, lol.

anyway, he was talking about how nobody wants to date a needy person, and how you need to find Jesus before you can even try to invest in a relationship, and i was soooo glad i got to listen to his message.

and then he said this line that really hit me. he said something about how the most beautiful aspect of a girl's character that draws a guy to her more than anything else was if she has joy enough to spill over into his life.

i was so struck by that.

besides living out my dreams, one of the biggest values i have is joy, and i have always dreamed of living out my life with abundant joy.

this isn't because i actually want a perfect guy--i really do, but it seems moronically, idiotically DUMB to try to find joy just to find a guy. haha. i don't want to do that.

but it reminded me of how much i really want joy in my life, how much i want joy to overflow from my heart, and how i want to bring joy to everyone. when i talk about Jesus, when i talk about changing the world, when i hope, when i plan my Jesus' revolution, this is what i want--to spread joy. if it means i get a perfect guy with a perfect name and a perfect heart, i would be oh-so-extremely-happy. but that's not why i want this.

i want to be joyful for you, dear friends that read my blog. i want to be joyful for buddy and becca and lea, my amazing three siblings. i want to be joyful for my mommy and daddy, who work so very hard for my joy. i want to be joyful for my coworkers, who don't even know what joy is. i want to be joyful for my friends on parentsconnect, who sometimes forget what joy is. i want to be joyful so my fellow students at kutztown university, my depressing school, can see Jesus inside of me. i want to be joyful so that my future husband will be joyful with me, all the time. i want to be joyful so that my future children will live a life of joy. i want to be joyful so my aging grandmothers have hope for the future of this world. i want to be joyful so that everyone i will contact in the future will find hope in a Christian, so that they will know life, so that they can share my joy. i want to be joyful so that my church members can be joyful with me and turn the world upside down with me. i want to be joyful so that cynics can have hope, so that hopeful people keep their hope, so that orphans stay strong, so that the military has faith in the cause they fight for, so that single moms stay strong, so everyone knows love and hope and the Way. but most of all, i want to be joyful so that Jesus can be proud of me, so that i know i have His Way in my heart, and that i can do all that He has called me to do.

I've always loved this passage of the Bible, probably because I value joy so much...

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4, NASB)

anyway, so since i know people actually read my blog now (haha), if you read this and you read a blog when i am not joyful, can you please remind me of this promise? between me, and you, and God, and all the people. i want to be joyful. and i want you to share in my joy. :)

and to increase our joy, here's a little something to brighten your day (at least, i hope it does!):



till next time,
ash the (hopeful) dreamer

Happy New Year's Eve! :)

happy new year's eve, everybody! :]

i love this hour. like Christmas eve, it just seems so very magical for me.

i just finished watching the proposal with my parents and my sisters. my grandmother's asleep, and the rest of my family is downstairs, watching the new year's eve coverage.

i don't do that, though.

i don't know why everyone parties on new year's eve.

i stay home.

in a dark room.

and i listen to music and pray. sometimes write. like tonight. :]



i love this picture. i think these two little girl's are just so adorable. i don't know much about the future, but, baring any major interruptions, i will adopt two little girls. most likely from romania. or possibly the czech republic, if i'm allowed. right now, their names are bella and liliana. it helps keep the dream alive, to be able to give them names.

have you ever had dreams for living for Jesus?

i mean, sometimes i feel so alone in my dreams. i don't know if it's true or not, but a lot of times, nobody really shares my dreams around me, anyway. my mom's too practical. my dad's too scarred by life. my siblings... i don't know how to define it, but they just haven't really caught the vision yet. all the kids in my church don't seem to care. the adults in my church are too occupied with "looking good" and keeping up appearances, rather than moving mountains for Jesus. my coworkers, for the most part, loathe Jesus. as do most of my fellow students at my college. have you ever felt alone in your dreams?

i have.

but tonight, i have to voice my dreams. i have to make them real. i need them to be a pact between Jesus and me and a witness to know it's true.

i want to adopt (at least) two little girls from europe. probably romania. i WANT to do that now, but apparently dreams have to be grounded somewhat. i wish i could fly to europe and take in every orphan and give them love and home and a sweet future.

i want to become a beloved author. i want to write novels that make people think, that make people love, that make people laugh and cry and snort in their laughter, that make people change, that make people revolutionize.

i want to be a missionary. i never really thought this would be something i want to do. but i do. i want to go to europe (or if God calls me elsewhere, there too) and do whatever job i am hired for--teach english, love orphans, preach the Gospel, pray with lonely hearts, hold Bible studies, make friends... whatever! i don't care anymore. i just want to go. i don't know how i'm going to get there, but if i knew the language, i would leave right now, pack my bags, buy a ticket, go, and love.

i. want. to. change. the. world.

how hard it is for me to write this with the passion that i feel. i want to go and i want to love and i want to completely reveal the truth and the revolutionizing love of Jesus. i want to be a teenager's best friend, and give them hope and light their world on fire. i want to help an old lady with her groceries. i want to help a single momma babysit her little kiddies. i want to pray with the ragged. i want to hug the weary.

sometimes i cry. sometimes i cry for orphans and soldiers' families and people ragged by the effects of depression and weary single mommas and lonely and abused children and struggling heroes who fight for the helpless and soldiers who are underpaid and underappreciated. sometimes i cry because of the state of this world, the way half of the world doesn't have anyone to hug them and hold them when they're lonely. sometimes i cry because i forget to love these people. sometimes i cry because sometimes i forget to be the hands and feet of Jesus. sometimes i cry because i want to be the hands and feet of Jesus but sometimes i don't know how.

sometimes i cry because i am me and Jesus feels so far away, and we need Jesus right here. and right NOW.

and sometimes, i get chills because i feel Jesus here, with me and you and your friends and my friends as we dance and laugh and cry and curse and sleep and work and love and lose. and that's what matters the most of all.

sometimes i finally get it right, and i am for Jesus and i am for the lost.

this year, i want to get it right.

this year, i want to be Jesus to the world.

and this year, i want to live my dreams.

God help me, i will.

i will not just be a dreamer--i WILL change the world, and people will see me in heaven and cry because my tears didn't paralyze me from loving them.

oh, God, help me to be that girl.

amen.

till next time (and next year!),
ash the (determined) dreamer

My Most Amazing Christmas Thought for 2009... :]]]]]

I love this very moment.

You know, I've had a lot of bad moments, depressed moments, horrible moments this year. But I can completely, truly say that at this very moment, as I write to you, fellow bloggers, that this is my very best moment of the entire year of 2009.

It's true.

It's just something about the way the Christmas lights my little sister hung around our room, and the sweet feel of the new pajamas my mommy freshly finished making for me, and the satisfaction that even though I'll probably only get five hours of sleep tonight, that all is still right in the world, at least for me. It's good to know that after waiting for 364 days to receive my portion of "Christmas spirit", it's finally here, and Jesus and joy and home culminate in this wonderful pleasure.

I wish you could experience it with me.

This is why I love Christmas oh-so-much. :]

Anyway, that's not really the reason I chose to blog tonight, on this night that has become sacred and holy for me.

I've blogged a lot this month about these lessons Jesus is teaching me about Christmas and this season for Him, but for almost a week now, I have been waiting to bring you this message that means the world to me.

I've cried a LOT this month. Not because I feel depressed or lonely or sick or lost--which I've felt a lot this year. But because of all these people who are not at home at this moment.

I've cried when I heard this Steven Curtis Chapman song. Please listen... the music didn't really hit me, but the words did. Please listen. :*(



And then this song always hits me, and makes me cry every single time. I think I promise. At least, I'm pretty sure there's never a time when I hear it that I don't cry. :*(



And then... then there's the "I'll Be Home for Christmas" by Josh Groban:



This month, I've cried for orphans, and I've cried for soldiers stuck halfway across the world, and I've cried for people who are lonely and weary and alone, and I wish I could turn their worlds upside down.

All I could do was whisper, "Baby girl, I'm coming for you... one day I'll find you... I promise. I PROMISE..." to the orphan girl who is lonely tonight and without a home that Jesus has called me to rescue, and all I could do for those military families at odds and separated from each other--all I could say was JESUS IS WITH YOU.

Because He is.

This feels like the wrong way to say it, but I don't know how to say it any other way. Jesus has been there--lost and torn from all ties to His home and confused and weary and teary-eyed. But He is with you NOW. And He won't leave you.

This is Christmas.

You could be alone, even in the middle of a million people. But you are not alone.

You have Jesus, the One who was truly alone and who blazed through the fires for you.

No matter where you are tonight, Jesus will be your Home, and you can count on Him.

Jesus is my Home this Christmas, the center of this love and happiness and security I feel--I am so blessed, but I wouldn't feel so much at home were it not for Jesus. :]

Maybe one day I'll be able to rescue 100 orphans like Gladys Aylward did, and someday I may baptize hundreds of people, like some preachers. Every day, oh world, I yearn to hold you in my arms and give you home and hope and love and liberty and safety and security, but for today, oh world, trust me and hear what I am saying.

PLEASE.

On this day, when you are lonely and weary and lost in the middle of the masses, know this. Know that Jesus is the One who holds you, the One who rescues you, the One who satisfies, strengthens, and supports you, the One who cradles you in His arms and protects you from all harms. Know that the once-homeless Jesus Christ will now be your home and provide for you every good thing that you don't have. Jesus is the One who loves you, the One who saves you, and the One who is like the Daddy who cradles His little girl in His arms when you fall and scrape your knee, or when you lost your one true love, or when life is too big for you. Jesus is your Daddy. And He is HOME.

Someday, I might know you, oh world, and someday, I might be able to rock your world so you can see, but until then... please see. Please know that Jesus can hold you when I can't. Jesus can love you when I can't reach you--when no one can reach you. Jesus can be your Healer. Jesus can be your Home.



Until next time,
Ash the (Hoping) Dreamer

stories and missions

hello.

it's me. here again, same place, same time, same heart, same me. new song right now. i'll post the youtube video at the end of the blog.

i feel like i'm a broken record, but when it keeps coming back to me, it just feels like it's all the more from God, so i speak. :) if you've read my last couple of blogs, you know how completely unsatisfied with my life, my church, and my actions i am.

i've been thinking, recently (like, within this week) about how i might like to be a missionary. i don't even know what it would take, but i am absolutely in LOVE with the idea of being a missionary to europe right now, of working in an orphanage, helping with church, and hopefully still keeping my favorite things--Christian music, my stories, hope, people. it would make me so much more independent than i am, and i would be positively terrified of that, but the more i think about it, the more i think it's something Jesus wants me to do.

it's time to make a change, i feel. it's time to step out of my security and soar for my Savior.

i just don't know the first movement.

so pray for me, that i know what to do. :)

in other news, i'm thinking of starting working on another story i've had on the back-burner lately. it's this allegory of the story of david and bathsheba, and it's so stinkin' amazing! it's set in present-day america (for the most part), and it's about this girl, dominique, who is married to this dude, collin. they are so happily in love, but collin is a military man, and he leaves to go fight in iraq. he is only supposed to be gone for half a year, but that turns into fifteen months--1 and 1/4 of a year!--and dominique looks for a friend. josiah gilmore, who is one of collin's best friends and one of his superior officers, is home from iraq currently, and he promised to look out for dominique. and they kinda, well, you know how things are, i suppose. dominique was lonely, they were talking intimately, it got late, dominique's gorgeous, josiah is looking for a girl of his own... and they had sex. :/ and afterward, they are both horrified, and dominique doesn't tell anybody. until she misses her period... and well, she finds out she's pregnant. and soon afterward, collin comes home. and there's something that keeps them from coming together, ya know, so later on there is no chance that the baby is collin's. and almost immediately after he comes home, he's called back over there. and he's killed in the action. dominique is grief-stricken, horrified, scared, worried that her weak actions caused this to happen to the only man she ever loved, and then she refuses to talk to josiah. josiah, who's this Godly man, is sickened by his actions. he pleads and pleads and pleads for forgiveness from God and dominique, and daily he visits collin's grave, tears pouring down his cheeks, as he asks for his best friend's forgiveness, too. and josiah becomes a new man. :) and slowly, he and dominique heal together. dom gives birth to their precious baby girl, who they name emmerson olivia (she would have gone by emmy, though). she was born extremely prematurely, though, and her heart and lungs are severely underdeveloped. she doesn't even live 24 hours, and dominique and josiah just about die out of grief. somehow, they find healing through it all, and get married and find joy again. i'm thinking it's a big enough story that it'll need to be more than one book--maybe a trilogy... i dunno. but i stinkin' love the story! :)

anyway, happy weekend, everybody! :)

till next time,
ash the (overwhelmed) dreamer

p. s. here's that video!

the injustices...

It's dark outside. Here we are again, same place, same time, every week. New song, same heart, same me. I'm listening to Francesca Battistelli's "It's Your Life," and it's just fueling the fire inside of me.

I've been mad about a lot of stuff lately. About the injustices.

Gah, I really would love to strangle somebody or something right now.

I remember someone tweeting (on Twitter) this week about the irony of the fact that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, but the US is bombing the moon to see if it has a reliable water source. I mean, really?! And President Obama is considering sending more troops to Afghanistan. REALLY?! How is that in the spirit of bringing peace? Really, I'm all about breaking the bonds and helping children and women who are oppressed, but after all this time, I think it's time for a little bit of peace. That, and to let the soldiers have a break. After all that they have done.

I saw a picture today of a formation of military soldiers. Standing at attention. With a little girl in a pretty pink dress, clinging to her daddy's hand. I don't know what the military had to say about that, but it tore my heart out. I still want to cry about it.

My old principal from elementary school is going to this leadership conference in Georgia this weekend, and he posted something on facebook about getting involved with helping orphans. I checked out the website (www.143million.org), and it's all about how to help orphans, and yes, there are 143 million orphans in the world.

That makes me SICK.

More than that, it makes me sick that I'm considered too young, too inexperienced, with too unstable of an income with too little money to adopt every single one of them. And adopt them out to families that really, truly would love each and everyone of them.

And it makes me even more sick to think that my mom is too scared of loving an orphan to even consider foster care, and my dad is too angry and focused on his job and worried about finances to be the face of Jesus to just one more child.

It makes me sick that every time I hear about another family having another child, or adopting a kid, or taking in foster children, that I have to sit here blogging about how utterly sick and furious I am, because my hands are tied.

It makes me sick I don't even have $38 a month to sponsor a Compassion International child. It makes me sick that I can barely scrape enough money together to pay off my school bills and send seven dollars to an amazing ministry called Mocha Club.

It makes me sick that I can only be so much of Jesus' hands and feet, while a lot of the rest of Jesus is just sitting there, when they can do so much more than I can do.

I'm just so sick of sitting still, of not doing ANYthing. I'm sick of being satisfied of being here, doing homework, watching TV, working at a Taco Bell that tells me to get people to donate dollars to help starving children in Africa, and when my heart is ripped out by well-off American after well-off American denies dying children who don't even have a chance, then they yell at me for focusing more on the children than on keeping the dining room clean and keeping people happy.

I'm sick of not even loving my major. I'm sick of just dreaming of change. I'm sick of going through the motions. I'm sick of not making a difference. I'm sick of fitting into the "good girl", studious, church-mouse shell of the powerhouse of a person Jesus created me to be!

And more than ANYTHING else, I'm sick of knowing all the things that need to be done, but knowing I don't have ANY resources, and not even knowing where to go! or WHAT to do, or how to go about doing it, and I just get sick inside, day after day, and it just can't keep going on like this.

Maybe I should pack a suitcase or two, fly to a poor European country, apply to work at an orphanage, and read my Bible everyday, and stop watching TV and pretending to care about all these insignificant things.

I don't feel like I was created for this life. I feel like I've been put in the wrong place entirely, and I keep hearing, "Go, go, go!" in my ears, but I don't even know where to go! And now I'm crying, and the world knows it, and still nothing happens.

This world makes me sick.

I can't wait till I get to heaven and all I have to worry about is seeing the approval and the love in Jesus' eyes, and being a friend to every person, and singing praises to Jesus and loving people like my heart was made for. Or maybe I was meant to go on the road with Christian bands and preach Jesus. I don't even know. All I know is that I can't stand this much longer.

Ash the (Despondent) Dreamer