joy.

hello, everybody!

happy weekend. :)

i'm sick today. i've actually been sick most of the week. i thought i was going to pass out earlier tonight, before supper. it was actually kind of bad. at one point, i thought i had strep throat, too. i guess you should know that i hate being sick. :)

tonight for our family worship, though, as i was trying to ignore the stomach and head pains, and the way my ears throb and how my throat feels like wallpaper... we were watching this amazing preacher whose name is walter pearson.

that man makes me love african american preachers! hehe. :)

anyway, i started seeing the message a little after it was started, so i missed what Bible story he was tying his message into. but he was talking about how needy guys and girls can be when it comes to finding their "perfect soulmate". haha. it's true. the lengths people go for love and for actually finding it, and rejecting it when they thought they had it when they really didn't... it's crazy. i guess that's a perk to never going on a date. i've watched tons of people do crazy, stupid, demeaning things all for the acceptance they seek for in "love". i hope that means i'll know better when it's my turn, but i'm pretty sure i won't have it all figured out, lol.

anyway, he was talking about how nobody wants to date a needy person, and how you need to find Jesus before you can even try to invest in a relationship, and i was soooo glad i got to listen to his message.

and then he said this line that really hit me. he said something about how the most beautiful aspect of a girl's character that draws a guy to her more than anything else was if she has joy enough to spill over into his life.

i was so struck by that.

besides living out my dreams, one of the biggest values i have is joy, and i have always dreamed of living out my life with abundant joy.

this isn't because i actually want a perfect guy--i really do, but it seems moronically, idiotically DUMB to try to find joy just to find a guy. haha. i don't want to do that.

but it reminded me of how much i really want joy in my life, how much i want joy to overflow from my heart, and how i want to bring joy to everyone. when i talk about Jesus, when i talk about changing the world, when i hope, when i plan my Jesus' revolution, this is what i want--to spread joy. if it means i get a perfect guy with a perfect name and a perfect heart, i would be oh-so-extremely-happy. but that's not why i want this.

i want to be joyful for you, dear friends that read my blog. i want to be joyful for buddy and becca and lea, my amazing three siblings. i want to be joyful for my mommy and daddy, who work so very hard for my joy. i want to be joyful for my coworkers, who don't even know what joy is. i want to be joyful for my friends on parentsconnect, who sometimes forget what joy is. i want to be joyful so my fellow students at kutztown university, my depressing school, can see Jesus inside of me. i want to be joyful so that my future husband will be joyful with me, all the time. i want to be joyful so that my future children will live a life of joy. i want to be joyful so my aging grandmothers have hope for the future of this world. i want to be joyful so that everyone i will contact in the future will find hope in a Christian, so that they will know life, so that they can share my joy. i want to be joyful so that my church members can be joyful with me and turn the world upside down with me. i want to be joyful so that cynics can have hope, so that hopeful people keep their hope, so that orphans stay strong, so that the military has faith in the cause they fight for, so that single moms stay strong, so everyone knows love and hope and the Way. but most of all, i want to be joyful so that Jesus can be proud of me, so that i know i have His Way in my heart, and that i can do all that He has called me to do.

I've always loved this passage of the Bible, probably because I value joy so much...

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4, NASB)

anyway, so since i know people actually read my blog now (haha), if you read this and you read a blog when i am not joyful, can you please remind me of this promise? between me, and you, and God, and all the people. i want to be joyful. and i want you to share in my joy. :)

and to increase our joy, here's a little something to brighten your day (at least, i hope it does!):



till next time,
ash the (hopeful) dreamer

Happy New Year's Eve! :)

happy new year's eve, everybody! :]

i love this hour. like Christmas eve, it just seems so very magical for me.

i just finished watching the proposal with my parents and my sisters. my grandmother's asleep, and the rest of my family is downstairs, watching the new year's eve coverage.

i don't do that, though.

i don't know why everyone parties on new year's eve.

i stay home.

in a dark room.

and i listen to music and pray. sometimes write. like tonight. :]



i love this picture. i think these two little girl's are just so adorable. i don't know much about the future, but, baring any major interruptions, i will adopt two little girls. most likely from romania. or possibly the czech republic, if i'm allowed. right now, their names are bella and liliana. it helps keep the dream alive, to be able to give them names.

have you ever had dreams for living for Jesus?

i mean, sometimes i feel so alone in my dreams. i don't know if it's true or not, but a lot of times, nobody really shares my dreams around me, anyway. my mom's too practical. my dad's too scarred by life. my siblings... i don't know how to define it, but they just haven't really caught the vision yet. all the kids in my church don't seem to care. the adults in my church are too occupied with "looking good" and keeping up appearances, rather than moving mountains for Jesus. my coworkers, for the most part, loathe Jesus. as do most of my fellow students at my college. have you ever felt alone in your dreams?

i have.

but tonight, i have to voice my dreams. i have to make them real. i need them to be a pact between Jesus and me and a witness to know it's true.

i want to adopt (at least) two little girls from europe. probably romania. i WANT to do that now, but apparently dreams have to be grounded somewhat. i wish i could fly to europe and take in every orphan and give them love and home and a sweet future.

i want to become a beloved author. i want to write novels that make people think, that make people love, that make people laugh and cry and snort in their laughter, that make people change, that make people revolutionize.

i want to be a missionary. i never really thought this would be something i want to do. but i do. i want to go to europe (or if God calls me elsewhere, there too) and do whatever job i am hired for--teach english, love orphans, preach the Gospel, pray with lonely hearts, hold Bible studies, make friends... whatever! i don't care anymore. i just want to go. i don't know how i'm going to get there, but if i knew the language, i would leave right now, pack my bags, buy a ticket, go, and love.

i. want. to. change. the. world.

how hard it is for me to write this with the passion that i feel. i want to go and i want to love and i want to completely reveal the truth and the revolutionizing love of Jesus. i want to be a teenager's best friend, and give them hope and light their world on fire. i want to help an old lady with her groceries. i want to help a single momma babysit her little kiddies. i want to pray with the ragged. i want to hug the weary.

sometimes i cry. sometimes i cry for orphans and soldiers' families and people ragged by the effects of depression and weary single mommas and lonely and abused children and struggling heroes who fight for the helpless and soldiers who are underpaid and underappreciated. sometimes i cry because of the state of this world, the way half of the world doesn't have anyone to hug them and hold them when they're lonely. sometimes i cry because i forget to love these people. sometimes i cry because sometimes i forget to be the hands and feet of Jesus. sometimes i cry because i want to be the hands and feet of Jesus but sometimes i don't know how.

sometimes i cry because i am me and Jesus feels so far away, and we need Jesus right here. and right NOW.

and sometimes, i get chills because i feel Jesus here, with me and you and your friends and my friends as we dance and laugh and cry and curse and sleep and work and love and lose. and that's what matters the most of all.

sometimes i finally get it right, and i am for Jesus and i am for the lost.

this year, i want to get it right.

this year, i want to be Jesus to the world.

and this year, i want to live my dreams.

God help me, i will.

i will not just be a dreamer--i WILL change the world, and people will see me in heaven and cry because my tears didn't paralyze me from loving them.

oh, God, help me to be that girl.

amen.

till next time (and next year!),
ash the (determined) dreamer

Ruts and Revolutions

Hello! I am twenty one years, one week, 18 hours, and 48 minutes old now. :) I might actually have something to say on this weekly Friday blog! :) Shocking, I know.

Nothing has really changed in my life... I still have humongous amounts of psychology assignments, projects, tests, and quizzes due every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I still miss Pennsylvania enormously, and I still am in love with orange juice (yes, it's true...), and I still want to pray with Sanctus Real and Addison Road more than almost anything else... But... my heart has changed.

I had been in a rut lately. I don't like to talk about ruts, because that means I let myself get into a rut. And if I let myself get into a rut, well, then, the dreamer inside of me that begs to live life to its fullest every day has sorely been lacking in making the dreams come true! Anyway, so, there is just something about this school I go to that makes me get into ruts like that. :*( It's very sad. Which is why I will probably go to school in Pennsylvania next year! (That makes me very excited. I miss my beautiful state, and all the beautiful people in it that I love so dearly.)

Anyway, back to the rut. My biggest dream (no matter what else I say, this really is my biggest dream) is to have a purpose, and I want my purpose to impact the world dynamically for Jesus. To strive for a goal, and, at the end of my life, look back and know that my life wasn't just going to kindergarten, and then elementary school, and then middle school, and then high school, and then college, and then getting married, and having the socially expected two children (I want tons more, and I want to adopt, like, five), go to work every day, wear myself thin and, when I'm old and graying, wonder what it all was for. There is a greater purpose, and I. WILL. LIVE. IT!!!!!!!! I have always felt that way. :)

At the beginning of this week (and during most of spring break), I was feeling that my life wasn't leading anywhere, and, no matter what field I went into, I was still going to be in that rut, and my life wasn't worth anything, and it wasn't pursuing any purpose. This was my rut.

I hate ruts.

Anyway, so I was praying a lot during this week, trying to pray myself out of my rut (I do that a lot... and it usually works! Imagin that!)), and not only did it bring me closer to God, but in this moment, I feel the purpose and passion returning. I love it that I serve a God that has known my heart before it was even created, and I love it that He made my heart to pump and pulse for a purpose, and that He created that purpose, just to satisfy those desires! I love it that I'm not an ordinary person, that I can--and do--live above the norm, and that I don't have to be another statistic. I can single-handedly begin the revolution for love and people's hearts, because Jesus has put that passion in me, and He gives me power because the Holy Spirit is upon us... It takes my breath away that God gives me this passion and this pursuit, just so I can desire and chase His crazy-thought-out dream for me, and then I live it, and it is perfectly how God Almighty meant for it to be!

One day, down the future after I've been trained by Almighty God to the point where I am ready to go out and change the world in a big way, I will live my dreams, and I will know that this dream was headier and more magnificent than I could have ever imagined. :)))))))))))) Oh, wow, how I long for that day! And the greatest part is, I won't even know it, because I'll be preaching and hugging kids and praying with teens and babysitting for overstressed single moms, and in the middle of it, when I can take a breath and look around me, I just might see the dream I had back when I was in high school and college, and realize that what I do to live this love revolution, it is good. And not only is it good, it is very good. But it's never going to be enough. I can never be too good, because the world will always need to be changed.

And, in the meantime, I can change the world on a small level. Watch Hogan's Heroes with my two little sisters. Hug Laney and eat with her at potluck at church. Greet people as they come to church. Pray for my momma when she has a hard day. Listen to Myla and Ashley when they don't know what to do. That kind of thing. And that's always incredibly fun, too!

While I can't do everything, I can make my mark on history, and I refuse to not be one of those people that the world looks at, and says, "Wow, what kind of young person is that? She isn't an ordinary person."

And they'll be right. Because I'm not just one of the hundreds of Ashleys. I'm Ash. The Dreamer. And I'm going to change the world! :))))))))))

Till next Friday,
Ashley