Love Is...

You know, for the longest time, my "dream blog" was to write this blog with this list of what love is. Like, "love is watching dora the explorer with your niece when she's sick and can't sleep... love is washing the dishes when your momma is to weary to... love is leaving your sister alone when she threatens to rip your head off..." haha.

I thought of trying to actually write that blog tonight, but it always comes out wrong. I don't know why.

That, and all I can think of is this one thought:

Love is loving an orphan enough to give them a home and a mommy.

I don't know how passionate you are about orphans, but besides fulfilling Jesus' will for my life and being a missionary for at least a while, adopting orphans is pretty much the highest thing on my list of things that need to be done. :)

And I dunno--lately, I have just fallen in love with orphans everywhere more than ever before. (Is it totally weird to fall in love with children I've never met before?!!) I just googled "European orphans" (because I would love to adopt from either Europe or domestically here in America), and my heart completely melted.

I mean, I just don't understand it. Half the time it makes me sick; the other half it makes me want to weep or be filled with anger. I don't understand how so many MILLIONS of children can be without a mommy and a daddy. I don't understand why people do not want to be the mommy and daddy for these children. I don't understand why the price of adoption is so high. I don't understand why everyone I talk to about adoption tries to keep me from adopting when I am actually old enough and mature enough to handle it. I don't understand why parents CHOOSE to NOT choose their children. They're so beautiful and lovely--WHY do they do that? I don't understand it.

I can't wait until the moment when I get to start the process of adopting my own future children... I don't know where they are, and I don't know how old they are, and I don't know what nation they call home right now, and I don't know the color of their hair or their eyes or if their smile is crooked or if their teeth are perfectly straight or if they love stories like I do or science like my mommy does... I know only one thing about them: that I love them dearly, and that I can't wait to meet them.

So tonight, there are a LOT of things about love that I DON'T know.

But tonight, this is what I know about love. Love is a choice. Love is beautiful. Love is looking into the expectant and lonely eyes of an orphan and crying tears of joy. Love is choosing to leave depression and OCD in the dust for the hope and joy and future of my children. Love is dreaming. Love is beating the odds.

And love is triumph.

One day, I will have my adopted children, and I will tell you ALL about my beautiful children and how they became my children, and I can promise you that they will all be named utterly GORGEOUS names (hehe!), and they will be loved so incredibly much.

Till next time,
Ash the (Inspired) Dreamer

my bucket list.

my mommy up and decided to make her bucket list today. i'm not quite sure why, but i find it interesting.

so i figured i would post my own bucket list.

seeing that i dream these crazy dreams, my bucket list is already inordinately LONG (haha), so i'll spare you the hour-long post by only posting some of my very favorites. :)

1. adopt two little girlies (from romania?).

2. become fluent in french.

3. publish a beautiful novel. (this is the very minimum... i desperately want to publish a million of my stories, not just one measly novel!)

4. be a missionary for at least a year in an orphanage (preferrably in europe).

5. visit prague.

6. find true love.

7. bake cookies for the wordfm (my favorite radio station) and visit with the staff.

8. pray with some of my favorite bands/artists (i'm so weird, i know!).

9. get involved in a youth group.

10. sponsor a little girlie from compassion international.

those are the big ones, right now, anyway. i'm sure there are a million other ones, that i'm crazy passionate about, but i can't think of them right now, and i don't want to put down stuff that don't matter immensely to me. :)

anyway, happy weekend, everyone! :)

till next time,
ash the (determined) dreamer

Happy New Year's Eve! :)

happy new year's eve, everybody! :]

i love this hour. like Christmas eve, it just seems so very magical for me.

i just finished watching the proposal with my parents and my sisters. my grandmother's asleep, and the rest of my family is downstairs, watching the new year's eve coverage.

i don't do that, though.

i don't know why everyone parties on new year's eve.

i stay home.

in a dark room.

and i listen to music and pray. sometimes write. like tonight. :]



i love this picture. i think these two little girl's are just so adorable. i don't know much about the future, but, baring any major interruptions, i will adopt two little girls. most likely from romania. or possibly the czech republic, if i'm allowed. right now, their names are bella and liliana. it helps keep the dream alive, to be able to give them names.

have you ever had dreams for living for Jesus?

i mean, sometimes i feel so alone in my dreams. i don't know if it's true or not, but a lot of times, nobody really shares my dreams around me, anyway. my mom's too practical. my dad's too scarred by life. my siblings... i don't know how to define it, but they just haven't really caught the vision yet. all the kids in my church don't seem to care. the adults in my church are too occupied with "looking good" and keeping up appearances, rather than moving mountains for Jesus. my coworkers, for the most part, loathe Jesus. as do most of my fellow students at my college. have you ever felt alone in your dreams?

i have.

but tonight, i have to voice my dreams. i have to make them real. i need them to be a pact between Jesus and me and a witness to know it's true.

i want to adopt (at least) two little girls from europe. probably romania. i WANT to do that now, but apparently dreams have to be grounded somewhat. i wish i could fly to europe and take in every orphan and give them love and home and a sweet future.

i want to become a beloved author. i want to write novels that make people think, that make people love, that make people laugh and cry and snort in their laughter, that make people change, that make people revolutionize.

i want to be a missionary. i never really thought this would be something i want to do. but i do. i want to go to europe (or if God calls me elsewhere, there too) and do whatever job i am hired for--teach english, love orphans, preach the Gospel, pray with lonely hearts, hold Bible studies, make friends... whatever! i don't care anymore. i just want to go. i don't know how i'm going to get there, but if i knew the language, i would leave right now, pack my bags, buy a ticket, go, and love.

i. want. to. change. the. world.

how hard it is for me to write this with the passion that i feel. i want to go and i want to love and i want to completely reveal the truth and the revolutionizing love of Jesus. i want to be a teenager's best friend, and give them hope and light their world on fire. i want to help an old lady with her groceries. i want to help a single momma babysit her little kiddies. i want to pray with the ragged. i want to hug the weary.

sometimes i cry. sometimes i cry for orphans and soldiers' families and people ragged by the effects of depression and weary single mommas and lonely and abused children and struggling heroes who fight for the helpless and soldiers who are underpaid and underappreciated. sometimes i cry because of the state of this world, the way half of the world doesn't have anyone to hug them and hold them when they're lonely. sometimes i cry because i forget to love these people. sometimes i cry because sometimes i forget to be the hands and feet of Jesus. sometimes i cry because i want to be the hands and feet of Jesus but sometimes i don't know how.

sometimes i cry because i am me and Jesus feels so far away, and we need Jesus right here. and right NOW.

and sometimes, i get chills because i feel Jesus here, with me and you and your friends and my friends as we dance and laugh and cry and curse and sleep and work and love and lose. and that's what matters the most of all.

sometimes i finally get it right, and i am for Jesus and i am for the lost.

this year, i want to get it right.

this year, i want to be Jesus to the world.

and this year, i want to live my dreams.

God help me, i will.

i will not just be a dreamer--i WILL change the world, and people will see me in heaven and cry because my tears didn't paralyze me from loving them.

oh, God, help me to be that girl.

amen.

till next time (and next year!),
ash the (determined) dreamer

My 10

Apparently, I'm a better blogger than I thought, because a week or two ago, I was awarded! Whoda thunk it? :]

Anyway, now I'm supposed to post 10 things about me and then award my own favorite blogs. :)

Anyways, so here we go! :)

1. Something I enjoy: the show Chuck. Seriously. It's so funny and sweet and loveable! :) I mean, who wouldn't love a story about a computer-geek turned CIA spy?! :))))



2. Something that changed my life: Pastor Sergio Manente. He is seriously THE coolest pastor/teacher in the whole world. He taught leadership classes in my high school, and from his ministry, I just gained so much confidence in myself, learned the path I wanted for my life, saw the path of Christianity as a passion, and learned how to be a leader for Jesus. He's seriously amazing, y'all. :)



3. Something I find funny: my brother Buddy. Seriously, I can't spend five minutes around him without laughing! He's so funny--and usually his jokes are at my expense, but after nearly 20 years of this, I'm learning to see past it. :)



4. Something I want: Can I say two things? Pretty please? Because it's like two dreams that are so infused into who I am that it just feels like one big ache for it to come true. :) Firstly, I want to be a missionary to Europe. Probably at an orphanage. :) Secondly, I would LOVE to have at LEAST two girls, maybe more, with at least two of them adopted, and the perfect hubby to match. :) I'm afraid it's too much to ask for, but gah, I want it so bad! :(



(Switzerland--the one country I want to see more than just about ANYWHERE in the whole wide world!)



(just an adorable little girl!)

5. Something I confess: everyday I have to deal with clinical depression and OCD. And those horrible diseases bring me down every single day. And they sicken me. I HATE depression and OCD. I would love nothing more than if they were MURDERED for FOREVER. They destroy my joy and keep me from the path Jesus destined for me, and I can't imagine anything uglier than depression and OCD. I won't post a picture, because it's just so ugly. :|

6. Something that rocks my socks: these two little girls in my church. Their names are Delaney and Kylee, and they melt my heart every day I see them. They melt and heal my heart every single weekend, and I LOVE children because I met them one September day in the year of 2008. :) Laney's almost 4, and I think Kylee's around three. :)



(This is Laney! Since I just got my new laptop this Thursday, I don't have a picture for Kylee to show you, but this is Laney!)

7. Something about me that might confuse you: I guess the biggest confusion to people is my dreams. I guess they just don't see that many dreamers like me, so they don't see how my life can be aimed toward things that are so impossible to achieve, but I'm okay with that. :) Some people don't understand why I want to be a missionary to Europe and take care of orphans when I could be a prestigious professor at an ivy league college with my brain. Some people don't understand why I want to open an orphanage and why I want to be a writer and a mom and a bookstore owner and a speaker and travel the world and bring hope and work for nothing so that I can bring just a wee bit of hope to the world. But then again, if you don't have big, change-the-world, Jesus dreams inside of you, then there's no way in the whole world that you'll understand me! :)

8. Something that makes me soooo happy: My sweet baby sister, Lea. She's so adorable, and she's graduating from 8th grade this year, and I'm just so proud of her, and I'm just so very glad I've had the treasure of this year to spend with just her and my parents this year, just to get to know her a little bit better (since I've been in boarding school most of her life). She's so sweet and smart and adorable, and she's gonna make the most kick-butt, awesome, heady, LOVELY combination of a lady of God that you won't have a CLUE what hit you when you meet this sweet little thing! :) Anyway, I just had to brag about her. :) Cuz she's AMAZING. :)



9. Something that I currently find amazing: that Jesus, in His vast greatness and mercy, chooses to use me and bless me and LOVE me in the middle of those moments that I feel completely UNLOVEABLE. Jesus takes my breath away EVERYDAY, but on those days when depression ruins and crushes my life and I feel like compressed, contorted, ugly, rejected, grotesque trash after Satan pushes me down so much that I can barely see hope shining, on those days when Jesus comes shining into my life and holds me in His arms and whispers promises of joy and hope and grace and dreams and I see a glimpse of what I can be for Him, THAT is what rocks my world. :)



10. Something I'm thankful for: for LIFE. Through the ups and downs, through the rights and wrongs, Jesus still gave me this opportunity, and I plan to make the very most of it! :)

:]

Thanks so much for stinkin' through the mess that is me right now. :) And thanks to those of you that actually do read my blog. :) I feel so incredibly honored that you do. :)

And to award my favorite blogs... um, well, I would honor Jen from here, but she was the one who awarded me, so I guess that doesn't work. :*(

I don't really follow that many other blogs--just another Jen--Jenny Simmons from Addison Road, but I doubt she'll ever see this. :) Anywho, even if she doesn't see it, you should check out her blog. :) Just go to www.jennysimmons.com. :)

Happy weekend, everybody!

(Oh, and soon I'll post pictures of my new computer! She's so lovely. *grin* I'm currently looking to name her, and all I've got is Evey or Sylvie as ideas, so if you have an ingenious one, leave me a message!)

Till next time,
Ash the (Grateful) Dreamer

worst week ever...

I know I said I would be back tomorrow, but I only have one class today, and I'm kinda hiding from the real world right now.

Probably just my overdramatic self taking things way out of proportion, but I just have to step back and be able to see how overdramatic I'm really being, and I'm pretty sure nothing major is happening in my lit class today. Besides, it started 45 minutes ago, and I'm a mess.

Yesterday one of my bosses talked to me about not doing my job right, and I guess I just wasn't seeing things that needed to be done, and she was thinking that I was all lazy and it was just a mess. Have you ever cried in front of your boss? Yeah.

EMBARRASSING!!!!

Anyway, she's going to try and get the managers to help me so I can be a better worker, but there was just stuff at that time that I really didn't know how to say, so I feel like I got a bunch of heat that really didn't need to be put under my rear, but whatever.

My mom's been so sweet about everything, and when I told her, she told me about how once one of her bosses told her that she was basically the weakest link in the whole production, and she bawled like a baby, so I don't feel TERRIBLE. I just cried all the way home, and I can't stop crying now! Gah, it's so annoying.

But then last night I had a dream that after helping the people in the show Numb3rs (aka, my new favorite TV show!) solve this crazy case on a beach somewhere (it was really weird, like a mix between Lost and Numb3rs, and I didn't know what was going on, lol!), I came home, and for some reason, my name was Arianne. Not sure why, but it was. I'm cool with that, though, because Arianne's probably my second favorite name right now, just after Eliza. :) Anyway, my parents didn't even TALK to me about this, but they said, "Oh, you have a letter waiting for you in our room." So I read the letter, and it basically said that my parents were tired of me not taking responsibility for myself and they were so tired of all my emotional problems (aka my depression and OCD) that they weren't going to put up with it much longer, and they were going to kick me out of the house just before the next school year started. Gah, what kind of dream is THAT?! I think I was crying in my dream, too, and so now I'm freaking out and reevaluating my life and such, and it doesn't help that my dad actually said that in real life... that if I didn't get my act together I could just leave.

Gah.

Anyway, so if I missed my lit powerpoint presentation, you know why. I feel like I'm a ROYAL MESS. :/

But out of all of this, I am learning that I've been taking the easy road, and even though I keep saying all these things about following Jesus, I've been going my own way, and I'm trying to come back to Him and make Him proud.

Pray for me, if you read this.

Because, well, GAH, I need it SOOOO much right now! :/

Until next time,
Ash the (Tearful) Dreamer

Sanctus Real

Oooh, just gotta get one more story in here! :)

Sometime this week, I had this weird dream that I met Sanctus Real at some playground somewhere in the country (probably somewhere in my state, but I dunno), and from there they came to my house and helped me paint my little brother's bedroom that's already been painted. lol. VERY strange.

So when I woke up, I logged into Twitter, and this is what I wrote:

"woke up about an hour ago. :))) had this awesome dream that i got to meet sanctus real! now, if only it would come true... :))))))))"

Then, later that day, Sanctus Real responded to meeeeeeeee!!!! :) This is what they said:

"@ashthedreamer Come to a show and say Hi...dream come true"

:)

BTW, "ashthedreamer" is me. :) Hard to figure out, I know. lol.

Just wanted to share that... :)

Ash the (ecstatic) Dreamer!

merry Christmas...

i just did my Bible study, and every Christmas Eve, i always read the part of Matthew 1 with the story of how Jesus came to come on this earth. it always surprises me what Christians assume about the Bible.

you know, when you think about it, really, why WOULDN'T joseph plan to divorce mary secretly? i mean, what in the world are the odds that a teenage girl engaged to be married to a man would be carrying the King of the Universe? i mean, think about it. billions of girls have been engaged to be married to billions of men. what are the odds that mary is the one to carry Jesus? i mean, i can imagine that every girl that ever lived always hoped that she would carry the King of the world, but who would have dared to expect that it would be her?

and why do we wonder why joseph was about to send mary away secretly? stories like these have become more like a mathematical equation we have come to expect rather than a story we have heard for the first time. how sad.

this week, i've been struggling with a relapse of my depression. i dealt with it a lot while i was at union, so i'm really afraid that things will just return to how they were when i go back january 4. i have to go, though. i have the ticket, i'm registered to attend... i just have to figure out classes and finances. and i remember reading one december post of matt hammitt's--it was so cool. i'm sure the words aren't exact, but i would love to memorize them soon. he says something to the effect of "Lord, the gift of Jesus will always be enough, but if i can ask for something more this Christmas..." matt goes on to ask for the gift of wonder, like he sees in his young daughter, emmy. not me, this year, though. this year, my prayer is "Lord, the gift of Jesus will always be enough, but if i can ask for something more this Christmas... Lord, give me the gift of joy." i've been praying this a lot this season, not because i lack it all the time, but because i have lacked it in my life, and i don't ever want to lose sight of it again. Jesus brings so much joy to my life, and i want to live that joy out throughout my whole life. i want Jesus' Christmas joy.

it's so amazing to me to imagine that the improbable happened to a girl who hoped but never thought her hope would come to fruition... hope came to a girl who always dreamed, but thought she was destined to be a dreamer. nothing else. when hope came to a world who only hoped and never believed, when hope saved the world... it wasn't this night. it wasn't the 24th of december, but this is the day we celebrate it. at least some of us do. and i just want to have the joy and hope this night that i know mary and joseph and the world received over two thousand years ago.

merry Christmas, everybody.

i need africa more than africa needs me...

i know i've talked about mocha club a couple times on this blog, but this time i want to talk about them a little bit longer. they started this, well, i guess it's a campaign, using the slogan "i need africa more than africa needs me," and, as soon as i heard it, i was so psyched to get involved with it. it's taken me a while to get to the place where i can blog about it, but i'm finally here.

i need africa more than africa needs me. i really do mean that, with all of my heart. there is a breathless desire, a RAW NEED to change the world. if i lived my whole life and just went to school and went to work and got married and had a family and walked around this world, day in and day out, never doing anything to make life here more bearable and hopeful on this earth, then i think i would die. i had all these dreams about changing the world for years now, and i haven't had a clue how to change the world, to build hope, to cause more laughter and more smiles. but then, when i went to the sanctus real concert a couple months ago in september, sammy a. was telling us all about how we could LITERALLY CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! not figuratively or in a small way, but to save people's lives. that was amazing to me. so i got behind mocha club. but that is not the only reason i need africa.

when i see africa in the news or in movies or tv shows like 24 redemption and some of the episodes of ER, it reminds me of people. people who have hurt and cried and died and that need my help. God has granted me gifts for a reason, and seeing these people reminds me to love. wherever i am. because all people want to be loved.

you can get involved, too... it's only seven dollars a month, and how much is that? not very much at all! you aren't giving up very much... just two mochas a month, or going to the movies a time or two a month, or maybe a book, or eating out instead of packing a lunch... that's all it takes. and you're saving lives. if you join mocha club, you'll get a pretty cool tee-shirt for free, too. think about it. pray about it. and do it. please.



When I think of Africa, the following images immediately come to mind: Starvation. AIDS. Child soldiers. Genocide. Sex slaves. Orphans. From there, my thoughts naturally turn to how I can help, how I can make a difference. “I am needed here,” I think. “They have so little, and I have so much.” It’s true, there are great tragedies playing out in Africa everyday. There is often a level of suffering here that is unimaginable until you have seen it, and even then it is difficult to believe. But what is even harder is reconciling the challenges that many Africans face with the joy I see in the people. It’s a joy that comes from somewhere I cannot fathom, not within the framework that has been my life to this day. [read more]

on a mission...

lately, i have felt this deep calling, and even if you don't care, or you don't know what i am talking about, or you think this is stupid, i know this is a calling of God, it is my dream, and someday, it WILL come true. and i just have to say it somewhere, somehow, how incredibly BUILT FOR ME this mission is.

last fall (september to be exact), i went to my first Christian rock concert. it was amazing!!!!! :))))) anyway, it was to see my favorite band, which you probably know by now if you read any of my other blogs. :) anyway, so i went and i enjoyed myself so much. but, the thing is, while i was there, there was this really cool speaker. his name was sammy adiyibei (not sure of the spelling). so he spoke just before sanctus real came out, and i've been thinking a lot about that lately. about what it would be like, traveling with a Christian band, listening to them sing and talk about Jesus every night, and watching these kids be impacted by Christian ministry, and then, having the honor of being a part of that, to impact kids lives and to have the incredible honor to speak to a generation every night, and pour out Jesus' love for them... it's just something i feel like God has called me to do, and i can't wait to be a part of that. i just don't know how to get there. maybe soon. God, show me how!!!

the thing is... the first year i went to college, i went in as a theology student, because, for one, i LOVE youth, and i love ministry. even though i don't have much experience speaking publicly, i love the experiences i've had, and i LOVE connecting with people one-on-one. secondly, i LOVE Christian music. LOVE IT! like, you don't even know. my family thinks i'm crazy, cuz i can't stop playing it. and for like, the past half a year, i've been dying to meet sanctus real (even though that probably has nothing to do with it).

i don't know how to explain it... it's like... you know who you are sometimes, and you know God has this incredible plan for you, and then He shows it to you, if only just a little bit, and you're like, WELL, DUH!!!! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? and that's kinda how i feel... except for one addition... "when can i start?"

*sigh* i hate it that it takes me so long to be prepared by God to do the things He has called me to do. well... until later... keep chasing Jesus. :)

piers and such...

this picture kinda explains how i feel tonight. how i wish i had a haven like this where i could go and sit in the middle of all the glory of God and take a breath of fresh air. sometimes, in the middle of a million people, though, i get these glimpses of fresh air, even when i am breathing the dank, stale air of a city like reading, pennsylvania, cuz Jesus is my Breath of fresh air. i know that sounds corny in a million and one ways, but look at that picture. look at it. with those billowing, cotton-ball clouds swooping so low in their dance that you could almost reach up and touch them, with the trickling, tickling sound of the water underneath your feet, the feel of the worn wood under your palms as you stair up at the sky at God in wonder, how can Jesus not be your Breath of fresh air? this world is becoming increasingly like a stale city, full of foul, frenzied people, but Jesus... when i look at Jesus, i can breathe again.

at this moment, i feel like i've just breathed my first breath of air in a really long time. i just had to say how incredible it is to breathe again. :)

the frustrations of a dreamer...

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:6-11, NIV

i've just been really thinking about these verses--and their meaning--a lot lately. with signing up to be a part of mocha club, and just hearing about what has gone on over there, and then there are these ER episodes where carter and luka go over to africa to volunteer... some of that footage is just gut-wrenching, heart-searing, life-changing drama, and it has had my stomach churning for almost two hours to do something for those people, to show them the love of Jesus, to show them the face of love... i wish i could do more than $7 a month to change the world... i still feel so helpless... but still, what can i do? how can i help so many people when i am only one, and so much is already expected of me, with school and work and chores? that's not what is important--impacting lives for eternity is!!!!! but i feel so tied down!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

oh, to change the world...

lately, i have had this driving passion to change the world. it was a feeling i had almost every other day before i became depressed, and now, thanks to the AWESOME SANCTUS REAL CONCERT (thanks, guys!!! on the off chance that you ever read my blog... haha), i have had that compelling feeling almost multiple times in the days that have followed.

for one, i am completely stoked. i can't believe that this feeling is coming back... my number one dream has always been to change the world, relationships at a time, and for so many months, i haven't felt that passion. for two, i want to scream and pull my hair out (despite how painful i know that would be). at the sanctus real concert, this really cool preacher-dude (his name is sammy adebiyi) from africa (nigeria) who now lives in toledo, ohio, was talking about a tangible way that we can change the world. i would give almost anything to change the world, to be a part of something bigger with every move that i make.

i mean, between blogging for this blog, i did sign up for mocha club, which i am totally stoked about... and even though it seems like such a little thing, it is changing the world, if only by a little. (btw, if you wanna join my team, go to http://mochaclub.org/joinme/dreamer84 and sign up. it only costs 7 bucks per month, and it really makes a difference.)

well, i need to go to work tomorrow, so i should sign off for today... i just wish it was easier to make a difference... hmmm...

i'm a rockstar...

i just finished watching the disney channel movie "camp rock" for (mostly) the second time. wow... i'm a sucker for disney channel movies... i dunno why. it's just... they make life so innocent and beautiful and the way things are supposed to be. people are good, parents are friends, and somehow, the main characters find true love in the end. the only thing that is missing is that the kids in those movies never find Jesus, cuz disney channel executives don't see that as a pressing factor. too bad they don't see things from where i am. haha.

have you ever wanted to change the world? ... wow... SIGN ME UP!!!! for some reason, i have always wanted to turn the world upside down. even when i was this insecure little kid with no friends to my name, i still wanted to do something big.

i remember when i was little, i was in church, and i usually didn't listen to the pastor, cuz i thought he was boring (after all, i was about ten), but my mom said i had to start paying attention to the sermons, so i was listening this one day, and my pastor was preaching about this guy named enoch. the deal with enoch was that he lived for 65 years, and then his wife gave birth to his first son, and he walked with God for 300 years (cuz back then you didn't die as young as we do these days...), and then, one day, he just disappeared. and no, he didn't die on some obscure mountain. he disappeared, but he never died. he just went to heaven, and he was no more on earth, cuz he was just so close to God that God couldn't keep him on earth anymore. i always thought it was SO COOL that enoch never died. he's still alive today!!! how cool is that? that day, when i heard my pastor preaching about him, and how he got a whole verse or two, instead of just one line, i was like, i want to be different from everybody else. different like enoch.

then i see movies like camp rock, where kids younger than i am now are writing these really cool songs and getting recognized and have this power to speak up and make a difference, and i know the kids are fictional, but the opportunity to transform the world--that is NOT fake!

and... well, it makes me feel a little sheepish, but... how cool would it be to be a rockstar, not just to meet so many people and to feel so loved, but also to have that power--that precious power to reach out and touch people's lives and show them what living is all about?

wow... those kinda dreams make me kinda dizzy... even though i'm lying down... :]

for the glory of His name

hi everybody. i'm usually really good at being eloquent, seeing that everybody says that i have the gift of words on paper and all, but today i've got nothing. usually whenever that happens, i turn all eloquent and make people cry. =] i don't think today's gonna be that way, though.

i'll try not to be boring, but i'm not superlady... yet... haha... so i can't make any promises. it'll probably be more deeply insightful into the human mind, with some really dramatic tellings of really boring stories... which make them exciting and funny...

thank you, my readers, for reading even when it wasn't necessary.

here's to Jesus and life.

ash