my bucket list.

my mommy up and decided to make her bucket list today. i'm not quite sure why, but i find it interesting.

so i figured i would post my own bucket list.

seeing that i dream these crazy dreams, my bucket list is already inordinately LONG (haha), so i'll spare you the hour-long post by only posting some of my very favorites. :)

1. adopt two little girlies (from romania?).

2. become fluent in french.

3. publish a beautiful novel. (this is the very minimum... i desperately want to publish a million of my stories, not just one measly novel!)

4. be a missionary for at least a year in an orphanage (preferrably in europe).

5. visit prague.

6. find true love.

7. bake cookies for the wordfm (my favorite radio station) and visit with the staff.

8. pray with some of my favorite bands/artists (i'm so weird, i know!).

9. get involved in a youth group.

10. sponsor a little girlie from compassion international.

those are the big ones, right now, anyway. i'm sure there are a million other ones, that i'm crazy passionate about, but i can't think of them right now, and i don't want to put down stuff that don't matter immensely to me. :)

anyway, happy weekend, everyone! :)

till next time,
ash the (determined) dreamer

Happy New Year's Eve! :)

happy new year's eve, everybody! :]

i love this hour. like Christmas eve, it just seems so very magical for me.

i just finished watching the proposal with my parents and my sisters. my grandmother's asleep, and the rest of my family is downstairs, watching the new year's eve coverage.

i don't do that, though.

i don't know why everyone parties on new year's eve.

i stay home.

in a dark room.

and i listen to music and pray. sometimes write. like tonight. :]



i love this picture. i think these two little girl's are just so adorable. i don't know much about the future, but, baring any major interruptions, i will adopt two little girls. most likely from romania. or possibly the czech republic, if i'm allowed. right now, their names are bella and liliana. it helps keep the dream alive, to be able to give them names.

have you ever had dreams for living for Jesus?

i mean, sometimes i feel so alone in my dreams. i don't know if it's true or not, but a lot of times, nobody really shares my dreams around me, anyway. my mom's too practical. my dad's too scarred by life. my siblings... i don't know how to define it, but they just haven't really caught the vision yet. all the kids in my church don't seem to care. the adults in my church are too occupied with "looking good" and keeping up appearances, rather than moving mountains for Jesus. my coworkers, for the most part, loathe Jesus. as do most of my fellow students at my college. have you ever felt alone in your dreams?

i have.

but tonight, i have to voice my dreams. i have to make them real. i need them to be a pact between Jesus and me and a witness to know it's true.

i want to adopt (at least) two little girls from europe. probably romania. i WANT to do that now, but apparently dreams have to be grounded somewhat. i wish i could fly to europe and take in every orphan and give them love and home and a sweet future.

i want to become a beloved author. i want to write novels that make people think, that make people love, that make people laugh and cry and snort in their laughter, that make people change, that make people revolutionize.

i want to be a missionary. i never really thought this would be something i want to do. but i do. i want to go to europe (or if God calls me elsewhere, there too) and do whatever job i am hired for--teach english, love orphans, preach the Gospel, pray with lonely hearts, hold Bible studies, make friends... whatever! i don't care anymore. i just want to go. i don't know how i'm going to get there, but if i knew the language, i would leave right now, pack my bags, buy a ticket, go, and love.

i. want. to. change. the. world.

how hard it is for me to write this with the passion that i feel. i want to go and i want to love and i want to completely reveal the truth and the revolutionizing love of Jesus. i want to be a teenager's best friend, and give them hope and light their world on fire. i want to help an old lady with her groceries. i want to help a single momma babysit her little kiddies. i want to pray with the ragged. i want to hug the weary.

sometimes i cry. sometimes i cry for orphans and soldiers' families and people ragged by the effects of depression and weary single mommas and lonely and abused children and struggling heroes who fight for the helpless and soldiers who are underpaid and underappreciated. sometimes i cry because of the state of this world, the way half of the world doesn't have anyone to hug them and hold them when they're lonely. sometimes i cry because i forget to love these people. sometimes i cry because sometimes i forget to be the hands and feet of Jesus. sometimes i cry because i want to be the hands and feet of Jesus but sometimes i don't know how.

sometimes i cry because i am me and Jesus feels so far away, and we need Jesus right here. and right NOW.

and sometimes, i get chills because i feel Jesus here, with me and you and your friends and my friends as we dance and laugh and cry and curse and sleep and work and love and lose. and that's what matters the most of all.

sometimes i finally get it right, and i am for Jesus and i am for the lost.

this year, i want to get it right.

this year, i want to be Jesus to the world.

and this year, i want to live my dreams.

God help me, i will.

i will not just be a dreamer--i WILL change the world, and people will see me in heaven and cry because my tears didn't paralyze me from loving them.

oh, God, help me to be that girl.

amen.

till next time (and next year!),
ash the (determined) dreamer

just been thinking about different things today... thinking like the ashley i used to be, and it makes me feel free. some of the things i thought today...

my Bible study was so freeing last night. i don't even remember what that Psalm was about... i just remember feeling so healed, when i finished reading it. it helped that i had just watched a horrifically heart-draining episode of law and order criminal intent (no more for me! too much of the depressing part of the world!), and i was left feeling hopeless about life, the world, and Christianity... and Jesus fueled my heart. :)

i think i want to look into seeing if babysitting during my out-of-school hours would pay enough money to get me through college. doubt it, but it would be nice, and i would feel like i'm actually doing something fulfilling, rather than filling taco shells and taking people's orders... so tired of taco bell. and i want to be around kids so much more...

everyone that i talk to about falling in love says that it'll happen and i'll meet the right guy... i don't want to get desperate or obsessive, but i do wonder, who will that right guy be? and how in the world will i know? and even more, HOW IN THE WORLD WILL I FIND HIM?! i dream of falling in love... maybe it's just not for me. is falling in love just not for some people?

what is going to public school full-time like? i'm scared to be that immersed in such a secular culture. i hope and pray i can find a good ally to help me through it. :)

i hope i made Jesus proud today. i try. i try not to complain like Philippians 2 calls me to, and i try to be cheerful and pure in heart and kind and loving, and i try to put Jesus first... i try to do what (as far as i know) will make Jesus proud of me. i hope i succeeded today...

i can't wait to continue eliza's and noah's story. it's so epic--i just know it! i went and messed it up, and i've been praying that if God can still use it and if He still wants to use it, that He will, and i've been trying to wait on Him, but i want to write it so bad! i miss those hours of crafting eliza's and noah's lives...

i hope i can be a full-time author someday. that would be absolutely lovely and exquisite...

most of all, i thought of what it would be like to change lives today... to, life after life, impact goodness on each heart, to give hope instead of hopelessness, joy instead of strife, love instead of hatred, kindness instead of harshness, peace instead of war, Jesus instead of Satan, good instead of evil, and to, face after face, see a smile of hope... i've heard songs about how people who got to heaven and found the person responsible for planting the seed of hope, and i just want to have more people than anybody else... not because i'm conceited, but because i want Jesus glorified, and i want the best for those people...

i think i've come a long way from the darkness that i've been in... i'm not perfect, but i feel more hopeful today... hopefully, one day, i will be the girl Jesus wants me to be exactly... :)

my glorious obsession.

For the last several months--almost half a year now--I've had to deal with moderate OCD. Just figured it out recently, but I've been dealing with it for a while. And I've been shifting through the events and choices and decisions and loves in my life, and trying to sort out how to live a life full of freedom from chains. It's been a very uphill battle, but not quite as bad as clinical depression has been, which is kinda nice. :)

Anyway, so in the midst of all these obsessions, and ugh, these are the strangest things--like, half the time, I keep demanding of myself, "Ashley, WHY are THESE the things you get hung up on? What's your problem?!" lol. But in the midst of it all, I've been questioning myself and what I stand for and if I still stand for the same things that I've always stood for, and I'm learning some interesting things...

I'm finding that I thought being obsessed about God was a good thing, and I used to love Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Glorious Obsession" (it was about how he wanted to make God his only focus), but now the thought of making ANYTHING an obsession scares me not a little bit.

I am finding that the thought of being obsessed about so many things my whole life leaves me feeling weary and wondering if I will ever have a normal life outside of all these mental mumbo-jumbo--first depression, now OCD... what's next? I won't say what I'm thinking, just because I'm too afraid that I'll jinx myself! :*(((

And because of the obsessions, I'm left wondering if the things I thought I always wanted are really meant for me... I mean, I always wanted to be a writer, but when I started obsessing about a story, it wasn't that same beautiful story anymore, and so I was so freaked out that I wasn't meant to be a writer anymore. And I am just so excited for the day that Jesus brings true love and my happily-ever-after into my life, but because I obsessed about finding love and falling in love, I was actually revolted by the idea of getting into a relationship and falling in love.

I am finding that OCD is soooooo much worse than I thought it ever would be! I mean, they don't tell you about the emotional side-effects when you learn about OCD in seventh grade. Just that you have to check to make sure you turned the lights of 20 times each night. But not the emotional baggage that comes with it!

Most of all, I'm finding that I miss the peace of presence of that verse in Psalms 46... the one where it says to be still and know that God is God. And I totally want to know where in the world that peace of mind was in the middle of thinking I was going crazy!

You may not have OCD or depression, but you may be struggling with something else.

So stop.

Be still.

And know that God is still God. God will ALWAYS be God. And no matter what, there is no reason to freak out.

I just wish it was just as easy to live it out as it is to blog it at my kitchen table. :*(

Till next time,

Ash the (Changing) Dreamer

Eliza and Noah...

a few of my friends have been itching to be able to read a part of my story (i've been talking about it a little on here... it's about eliza and her family and her band, amelia). anyway, i decided to post a portion of it here...

so here's the very beginning! :)

::chapter1::

Eliza Audrey Gray tucked the wispy golden-blond tendrils that had fallen out of her loose ponytail behind her left ear. She peaked over her book as she watched Noah, Abby, and Grant play Scrabble on the table.

She glanced out the window of the bus nonchalantly. A sign proclaimed

CHARLOTTE 12 MI
BELMONT 24 MI

She smiled behind her book, loving that her friends were having such a good time. She thought of her big brother, Jacob, who was keeping their cousin, Sam, company while he drove the bus. The five of them made a great group. There was Eliza, and her brother Jacob, who had always been one of her best friends, and then Eliza’s best friend, Abby Patterson, and Noah Leeland and Grant Devlin. Grant was Abby’s fiancé and Jacob’s best friend. And Noah? Well, Noah had always been there, had always been a friend, had always made her laugh and be glad she was alive. Together, they made up the up-and-coming Christian band that everyone was watching, Amelia. More than that—they were family.

On this ride in their bus—the bus that Abby had insisted they name Rosalie, Rosey for short—they were headed in the direction of Belmont, North Carolina. It was a Sunday morning, and they were set to do a concert for the youth group at the church that evening. They planned on stopping to eat in Charlotte, only a few miles away, before they reached Belmont to set up for the concert.

As it was, three of them were steeped in a passionately competitive game of Scrabble while their road manager slept in the back and as Jacob kept Sam company. Eliza was left by herself, reading, but she didn’t mind. One of her headphones was in her right ear, and she hummed along with Sanctus Real’s lead singer, Matt Hammitt, as he sang the song he had written. She was mostly reading her book, but, at the moment, she had temporarily lost interest.

She studied Noah, on the other side of the bus, tapping one of his wooden pieces against his lip as he considered his options. A slow smile covered her face. Noah. When she first met him in the seventh grade, she would have never thought she would fall for him like a crazy schoolgirl. But she had.

She blushed behind her book, simply at the thought of it. But she would have been crazy to not fall for Noah Leeland. With his gorgeous dark brown hair, dazzling blue eyes, and quick, dimpled charmer-smile, she couldn’t imagine a guy who looked better. Even if he was in jeans and a tee-shirt. What was she saying? Especially if he was in jeans and a tee-shirt! It wasn’t just his looks, either. . . He was tender and gentle and humble, and he loved Jesus more than she could have hoped any man on the earth ever would. He was tenderhearted and kind to the fans who just wanted to meet the great Noah Leeland, and he was a leader among them in the band. . . She couldn’t imagine falling for anyone more perfect.

He had a slight shadow on his jaw from shaving the night before, when they had had a concert in Lynchburg, Virginia. His blue eyes studied the board, and he laid down three pieces—an L, A, and D. He glanced over at Eliza, and she raised her book an inch or two. He flashed her his dimpled grin and winked at her. She sighed. Noah Andrew Leeland, shameless flirt.

He nodded his head to her, indicating that she should come join them at their game.

She glanced down at her lap, covered in a purple fleece blanket her little sister, Hadley, had made for her before they had left on the tour. She loved the white stitching that offset the lavender purple. She groaned as she focused on Noah’s request again. “I’m comfortable,” she protested.

He rolled his eyes at her. “Come on.”

She unfolded her legs. “Fine,” she huffed, and she sauntered over to them. Noah moved over, making room for her. When she sat down, he deposited his arm around her. “Hi,” she said.

Noah glanced down at her and bent to whisper in her ear. “You’re my good-luck charm,” he whispered. “You and that oversized brain of yours. I’m gonna lose if you don’t help me.”

She giggled as she looked at his set of wooden chips. W, X, Y, Z, H, N, and O. “Wow, you sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t you?” she whispered under her breath.

“Hey!” Abby protested. “No teams.”

Eliza laughed. “Honey, he needs it. Besides, I know you when it comes to this game. You’re fully capable.”

Abby mumbled under her breath something about how she was going to need some help if Eliza was on Noah’s side, and Eliza laughed and whispered hints to Noah for the remainder of the game.

***

So that was the first scene... Hope y'all liked it! :)

till the next time,
ash the (resting) dreamer

top 10 things

hello, everybody... :)

tomorrow, i start school again... i feel like i'm so behind everybody else! anywho, tomorrow i'll probably have some stories to tell, but, for today, i feel like doing something i saw a bunch of other people doing on the internet--posting a "top 10 favorites" list--on myspace, their blog, whatever. so i'm gonna do it, too.

10. what women want





























9. working at taco bell
















8. 2008 beijing olympics


































7. two weeks notice































6. laughing















5. getting ready for school
















4. writing novels--especially about beautiful characters














3. Sanctus Real

















2. the mikucki brothers (i feel inclined to say
that these two boys aren't the mikucki brothers...
at least, not the ones i'm talking about. :) i just
don't have a picture of joe and geoffrey... :])

























1. God's love and mercy.















that's all, folks. i wanna watch a movie before i go to bed. toodles... :P

until later,
ash