just been thinking about different things today... thinking like the ashley i used to be, and it makes me feel free. some of the things i thought today...

my Bible study was so freeing last night. i don't even remember what that Psalm was about... i just remember feeling so healed, when i finished reading it. it helped that i had just watched a horrifically heart-draining episode of law and order criminal intent (no more for me! too much of the depressing part of the world!), and i was left feeling hopeless about life, the world, and Christianity... and Jesus fueled my heart. :)

i think i want to look into seeing if babysitting during my out-of-school hours would pay enough money to get me through college. doubt it, but it would be nice, and i would feel like i'm actually doing something fulfilling, rather than filling taco shells and taking people's orders... so tired of taco bell. and i want to be around kids so much more...

everyone that i talk to about falling in love says that it'll happen and i'll meet the right guy... i don't want to get desperate or obsessive, but i do wonder, who will that right guy be? and how in the world will i know? and even more, HOW IN THE WORLD WILL I FIND HIM?! i dream of falling in love... maybe it's just not for me. is falling in love just not for some people?

what is going to public school full-time like? i'm scared to be that immersed in such a secular culture. i hope and pray i can find a good ally to help me through it. :)

i hope i made Jesus proud today. i try. i try not to complain like Philippians 2 calls me to, and i try to be cheerful and pure in heart and kind and loving, and i try to put Jesus first... i try to do what (as far as i know) will make Jesus proud of me. i hope i succeeded today...

i can't wait to continue eliza's and noah's story. it's so epic--i just know it! i went and messed it up, and i've been praying that if God can still use it and if He still wants to use it, that He will, and i've been trying to wait on Him, but i want to write it so bad! i miss those hours of crafting eliza's and noah's lives...

i hope i can be a full-time author someday. that would be absolutely lovely and exquisite...

most of all, i thought of what it would be like to change lives today... to, life after life, impact goodness on each heart, to give hope instead of hopelessness, joy instead of strife, love instead of hatred, kindness instead of harshness, peace instead of war, Jesus instead of Satan, good instead of evil, and to, face after face, see a smile of hope... i've heard songs about how people who got to heaven and found the person responsible for planting the seed of hope, and i just want to have more people than anybody else... not because i'm conceited, but because i want Jesus glorified, and i want the best for those people...

i think i've come a long way from the darkness that i've been in... i'm not perfect, but i feel more hopeful today... hopefully, one day, i will be the girl Jesus wants me to be exactly... :)

my glorious obsession.

For the last several months--almost half a year now--I've had to deal with moderate OCD. Just figured it out recently, but I've been dealing with it for a while. And I've been shifting through the events and choices and decisions and loves in my life, and trying to sort out how to live a life full of freedom from chains. It's been a very uphill battle, but not quite as bad as clinical depression has been, which is kinda nice. :)

Anyway, so in the midst of all these obsessions, and ugh, these are the strangest things--like, half the time, I keep demanding of myself, "Ashley, WHY are THESE the things you get hung up on? What's your problem?!" lol. But in the midst of it all, I've been questioning myself and what I stand for and if I still stand for the same things that I've always stood for, and I'm learning some interesting things...

I'm finding that I thought being obsessed about God was a good thing, and I used to love Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Glorious Obsession" (it was about how he wanted to make God his only focus), but now the thought of making ANYTHING an obsession scares me not a little bit.

I am finding that the thought of being obsessed about so many things my whole life leaves me feeling weary and wondering if I will ever have a normal life outside of all these mental mumbo-jumbo--first depression, now OCD... what's next? I won't say what I'm thinking, just because I'm too afraid that I'll jinx myself! :*(((

And because of the obsessions, I'm left wondering if the things I thought I always wanted are really meant for me... I mean, I always wanted to be a writer, but when I started obsessing about a story, it wasn't that same beautiful story anymore, and so I was so freaked out that I wasn't meant to be a writer anymore. And I am just so excited for the day that Jesus brings true love and my happily-ever-after into my life, but because I obsessed about finding love and falling in love, I was actually revolted by the idea of getting into a relationship and falling in love.

I am finding that OCD is soooooo much worse than I thought it ever would be! I mean, they don't tell you about the emotional side-effects when you learn about OCD in seventh grade. Just that you have to check to make sure you turned the lights of 20 times each night. But not the emotional baggage that comes with it!

Most of all, I'm finding that I miss the peace of presence of that verse in Psalms 46... the one where it says to be still and know that God is God. And I totally want to know where in the world that peace of mind was in the middle of thinking I was going crazy!

You may not have OCD or depression, but you may be struggling with something else.

So stop.

Be still.

And know that God is still God. God will ALWAYS be God. And no matter what, there is no reason to freak out.

I just wish it was just as easy to live it out as it is to blog it at my kitchen table. :*(

Till next time,

Ash the (Changing) Dreamer

hi.

i just wanted to say that before this month is over. these are the random thoughts going through my head right now.

58 days until Christmas day. :)))))))))))))))) woohoo. i'm psyched. soar throats are a pain in the butt. i hate it that cussing is so popular and that now that i visit secular environments so much that those words enter my mind way too much. i want to meet Sanctus Real for more than five seconds and more than as just a fan who wants an autograph. i wonder where my Sanctus Real tee-shirt went to. i wonder how i'm going to end up changing the world like i know Jesus has planned for me to do. i miss my uncle (he was visiting from kansas) even though i'm glad there's more space in the house. i'm scared i'm gonna flunk my driver's test and never be able to drive. ever. :) really fearing that God has stopped making room for you in heaven is really scary. i've feared it, like, four times. it's mind-numbing. i still need to do my algebra homework. oh, wait. no i don't. cuz i had a test two days ago. :) i got accepted back into my dream school. i just need to come up with about $2500 by jan. 4. :) depression is stupid. i love my new playlist on myspace. here's my playlist on myspace:

1. yours, by dizmas
2. the fight song, by sanctus real
3. something to say, by matthew west
4. dear love, by the icarus account
5. doubts or disbelief, by chasen
6. grace, by phil wickham
7. nothing to lose, by sanctus real
8. stronger, by seabird
9. hold my heart, by tenth avenue north
10. opposite way, by leeland

yep. pretty awesome. Christian music at its best. :]]]]]]]] been thinking about ministry ideas. what i want to do to change the world. just don't know how to start it. i hate free taco afternoon at taco bell. i had about 7 people just about cuss me out when it came time to turn people away from their free tacos. silly people. they care about the stupidest things. please, nobody else steal any bases in the world series!!!! haha. i wanna paint again. oil painting is fun. i would love to miss a day of school. can't wait to get back to nebraska. i hope my Bible study is fruitful tonight. i wish i could study the Bible with matt hammitt and/or mike donehey. and mark graalman. that'd be awesome. i wanna meet claire hammitt. she's adorable. i want my bike back, so i can start exercising again. i wish i knew what major to take--psych (to become a family/marriage counselor) or small business management/lit (to own a bookstore).

so what's the point of all this rambling? i dunno. is there really ever a point to rambling? probably not. but all these things... music, school, Jesus... these are the things of my heart. i dunno what the future holds, but i finally know who holds me.

oh, i hate this... i've been trying to figure out how to say what i want to say for at least half an hour now, but i don't know how to say it. i just want to say that this world is crazy, and so messed up, but somehow, i've found peace, and the Way that i need to go, and it's just the most incredible thing. to find peace in depression... that is a miracle. a couple of entries ago i talked about sanctus real's song about how it's chaos, and there's peace, and how that was the perfect definition of depression--chaos--but i didn't know where the peace was, but, Jesus, in His mercy and strength and love, showed me the peace, too... it's like, an orchestra singing glory and majesty... and i can dance in circles with my Maker in the middle of it all... it's just so crazy... but it's my life. wow. :]



haha... just something to balance all the deep thoughts with. :) i love this video. :))))

peace

i feel at peace tonight. if you knew what was going on in my life, you would understand how great of a statement that is... and a lot has been going on... my computer is spasming (well, that's my word for it... i'm not sure what's wrong, and neither does my techno-savvy dad), i have practically no money to return to my dream college, and i have so much on my plate that i can't even try to reach for all the dreams in my heart... but tonight, i am at peace.

i recently (last weekend) began to tithe again. if you don't know, that is when you take 10 percent of all your income, and you give it to Jesus through a church. it generally goes to support the church's pastor (which it does in my church), but it is something i really believe in. anyway, it's not that i stopped tithing... it's that i didn't know how to get my tithe from my newly opened checking account to the tithe at my new church at college... and, well, there was a lot of tithing to do. i'm pretty popular at my church... well, either that, or i don't know what, but i got a LOT of money for my high school graduation. :) then my parents gave me some spending money over the past school year, and i didn't pay tithe on ANY of it, so there goes my savings for college! and i wasn't even thinking about how this was going to deplete half of my college savings... i was just thinking about how i wanted to give back to Jesus again, and, well, He would have to take care of my school bill, because i was going to put Him first in this thing, no other way about it. i don't regret the decision at all, but now that i may have to spend HUNDREDS of dollars on my computer, which i NEED for college... it isn't as easy to sleep at night. :*(

there's this song that is pretty popular on Christian radio right now, by my favorite band of all time, Sanctus Real. it's called "whatever you're doing (something heavenly)". it's not my favorite song to dance and sing at the top of my lungs to, but when the hard times come, it's definitely something that reminds me of Jesus and gives me peace. anyway, this is the chorus:

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly...

i don't know completely what i'm trying to say tonight. maybe... maybe it's just that things don't have to be okay... they just have to be in God's hands. because... because Jesus gives peace, and that's all i need.

until next time,
ash