Awesome Christmas-ey Stuff...

I was going to write a wonderful blog about the Christmas program I just got home from, but that was rather un-eventful, and COMPLETELY under par for the school that puts it on. Maybe that has to do with the stupid principal and vice principal who run the school. My sister, though, was a glowing, wonderful alto. Yep, she was the best there. No doubt. :]

I got to go up and sing the Hallelujah Chorus, which is pretty much the HIGHLIGHT of my year (silly, I know, but I just love it so much!), with all the other choir alumni from my high school, and it was splendid! :)

But that's not why I'm writing this blog...

Yesterday, I believe it was, I was doing my Bible study, and it completely took my breath away. I was soooo very shocked and awakened to the purpose of Christmas, and since this is such a monumental idea, I figured you deserved to hear it, lovely bloggers. :]

So I was first reading in Luke 2 (as I love to read the story of Jesus' birth a lot in the month of December), and I stopped myself a couple verses into it, when Luke got to the part about there not being any room in the inn for Jesus.

First of all, that makes me sick. What sort of twisted minds have the gall to deny their Lord and CREATOR a warm bed and a semi-sanitary room to come into the world? What sort of people force the Healer and the Comforter and the Lord to be born next to a pig? I mean, piglets are cute, I suppose, but come on. Do you really want your kid to be born inches from that piglet's pooh (hahaha, no pun intended, lol!)? If that doesn't appeal to you, then why in the world would someone let the King of the WORLD be born there?

Sometimes I'm self-righteous enough to think that I would NEVER have done that, but it makes me more sick to think that I probably would have resigned holy baby Jesus to be born among poop and disease and unsanitary animals to be able to keep my bed and the semblance of warmth, rather than the fact that they let this happen to the Creator of the world...

I remembered thinking, "Couldn't ONE PERSON find just one small area for a scared mom to give birth to the most precious Cargo in the whole entire universe? Couldn't one person see that Jesus was coming and prepare the way for His birthplace?"

Then, since it hit me so hard, I decided to read a psalm (thinking it might calm me down a bit), but it only emphasized the idea.

I read Psalm 23, and it made me even sicker, thinking that Jesus provides all these marvelous things we don't deserve, like peace and food and sleep and hope and protection in the midst of danger and all these things that after Jesus provides them for us, we take them for granted.

And then, it hit me, like a rock.

We STILL don't make room for the King of the world.

Gah, that hit me right where it counts, and it made me sick and I was shivering and about to cry and all this on too little sleep and almost too half-asleep to really catch it, but I saw it. I saw it, and now it won't let me go.

I've been having issues with this lately.

So it's especially meaningful for me.

I've shared on here that I have to deal with struggles surrounding depression and OCD, and right now I'm battling it more than usual. And my coping mechanism for these two diseases usually involves watching a lot of TV and going on this baby name website to give advice to help mommas choose names for their precious babies. And then I kinda lose track of my life and where I want it to be going. So I've been sick about how I put all these shows that, at the end of the day, don't matter in the long run. Chuck, Glee, Bones, Leverage, Lie to Me, Castle, NCIS, White Collar, etc... All these shows didn't save my life. All these shows didn't call me to a greater place. And yet, I find myself worrying that after promising Jesus when I was barely more than a baby that I would never have any idols before Him, what if these have become my idols? And I miss Jesus, on these days when I find time for empty pleasures instead of true purpose.

I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but I know that none of us but Jesus is perfect... But I'm getting sick of seeing Jesus being put last... This Christmas, I want to put CHRIST right where He belongs--the center of EVERYTHING.

:]

Merry Christmas everybody!

Till next time,
Ash the (Ashamed) Dreamer

just been thinking about different things today... thinking like the ashley i used to be, and it makes me feel free. some of the things i thought today...

my Bible study was so freeing last night. i don't even remember what that Psalm was about... i just remember feeling so healed, when i finished reading it. it helped that i had just watched a horrifically heart-draining episode of law and order criminal intent (no more for me! too much of the depressing part of the world!), and i was left feeling hopeless about life, the world, and Christianity... and Jesus fueled my heart. :)

i think i want to look into seeing if babysitting during my out-of-school hours would pay enough money to get me through college. doubt it, but it would be nice, and i would feel like i'm actually doing something fulfilling, rather than filling taco shells and taking people's orders... so tired of taco bell. and i want to be around kids so much more...

everyone that i talk to about falling in love says that it'll happen and i'll meet the right guy... i don't want to get desperate or obsessive, but i do wonder, who will that right guy be? and how in the world will i know? and even more, HOW IN THE WORLD WILL I FIND HIM?! i dream of falling in love... maybe it's just not for me. is falling in love just not for some people?

what is going to public school full-time like? i'm scared to be that immersed in such a secular culture. i hope and pray i can find a good ally to help me through it. :)

i hope i made Jesus proud today. i try. i try not to complain like Philippians 2 calls me to, and i try to be cheerful and pure in heart and kind and loving, and i try to put Jesus first... i try to do what (as far as i know) will make Jesus proud of me. i hope i succeeded today...

i can't wait to continue eliza's and noah's story. it's so epic--i just know it! i went and messed it up, and i've been praying that if God can still use it and if He still wants to use it, that He will, and i've been trying to wait on Him, but i want to write it so bad! i miss those hours of crafting eliza's and noah's lives...

i hope i can be a full-time author someday. that would be absolutely lovely and exquisite...

most of all, i thought of what it would be like to change lives today... to, life after life, impact goodness on each heart, to give hope instead of hopelessness, joy instead of strife, love instead of hatred, kindness instead of harshness, peace instead of war, Jesus instead of Satan, good instead of evil, and to, face after face, see a smile of hope... i've heard songs about how people who got to heaven and found the person responsible for planting the seed of hope, and i just want to have more people than anybody else... not because i'm conceited, but because i want Jesus glorified, and i want the best for those people...

i think i've come a long way from the darkness that i've been in... i'm not perfect, but i feel more hopeful today... hopefully, one day, i will be the girl Jesus wants me to be exactly... :)