Holy Moments...

This is going to be a short one, since my dad will get out of the shower any minute, and then we'll be off to church. :)

I've just been thinking, over the past 24 hours or less, about holy moments that I share with God. I don't know why, but in the middle of the night, when it's all dark, with no lights, as I listen to my favorite Christian music, as it seems like my story joins the music and we all go dancing through life... those are the holiest glimpses for me... I want to have them more often.

I've been missing God lately. Not that He's never around--He always is. :))))))) But I've been making my time with Him sparse, and I'm getting really ticked off at myself, that I do this to Him. He is worth so much more, and I really wish I wouldn't get caught up in the things that don't matter--catching up on TV shows, mainly, but just wasting time in general, wasting moments on things that don't matter. For a girl who feels called to revolutionize the world, I feel like I'm backing away from my purpose. :*(

God is merciful, and I'm learning. Sometimes I feel like this perfectly purposeful life is not even for me to grasp anymore, that I've messed up too much to live so perfectly in an instant, but I'm learning that grace doesn't listen to what Jesus' foe tries to tell me. I'm so grateful for that. And you don't have to wait for things to align perfectly, either. Grace is for the taking, and GRACE is for today. Take it. Grasp it. Believe it.

I wish I had a beautiful story to go along with this, a touching story to tell that will rapture your heart and make you believe... because stories have that tendency... but all I have is last night. :) It was a beautiful night. My family had all gone to bed; I was sitting in my father's recliner, and I had just read two Psalms for my Bible study... I was thinking about how sometimes, even after I'm past depression, it still doesn't make since and I don't know why God let it happen to me.

And then I turned on JCTV (this teenager Christian TV station), and it was a bunch of music videos, and I just watched... and all of a sudden, I was there. With Jesus in the room. And Matt Hammitt singing his song, and the lights flashing, and somehow was just dancing through it all, as Jesus led. Worship. That's what life's about.

And I want to experience it more.

Till the next time (hope it's not so long!!!),

Ash the (Worshipful) Dreamer

hi.

i just wanted to say that before this month is over. these are the random thoughts going through my head right now.

58 days until Christmas day. :)))))))))))))))) woohoo. i'm psyched. soar throats are a pain in the butt. i hate it that cussing is so popular and that now that i visit secular environments so much that those words enter my mind way too much. i want to meet Sanctus Real for more than five seconds and more than as just a fan who wants an autograph. i wonder where my Sanctus Real tee-shirt went to. i wonder how i'm going to end up changing the world like i know Jesus has planned for me to do. i miss my uncle (he was visiting from kansas) even though i'm glad there's more space in the house. i'm scared i'm gonna flunk my driver's test and never be able to drive. ever. :) really fearing that God has stopped making room for you in heaven is really scary. i've feared it, like, four times. it's mind-numbing. i still need to do my algebra homework. oh, wait. no i don't. cuz i had a test two days ago. :) i got accepted back into my dream school. i just need to come up with about $2500 by jan. 4. :) depression is stupid. i love my new playlist on myspace. here's my playlist on myspace:

1. yours, by dizmas
2. the fight song, by sanctus real
3. something to say, by matthew west
4. dear love, by the icarus account
5. doubts or disbelief, by chasen
6. grace, by phil wickham
7. nothing to lose, by sanctus real
8. stronger, by seabird
9. hold my heart, by tenth avenue north
10. opposite way, by leeland

yep. pretty awesome. Christian music at its best. :]]]]]]]] been thinking about ministry ideas. what i want to do to change the world. just don't know how to start it. i hate free taco afternoon at taco bell. i had about 7 people just about cuss me out when it came time to turn people away from their free tacos. silly people. they care about the stupidest things. please, nobody else steal any bases in the world series!!!! haha. i wanna paint again. oil painting is fun. i would love to miss a day of school. can't wait to get back to nebraska. i hope my Bible study is fruitful tonight. i wish i could study the Bible with matt hammitt and/or mike donehey. and mark graalman. that'd be awesome. i wanna meet claire hammitt. she's adorable. i want my bike back, so i can start exercising again. i wish i knew what major to take--psych (to become a family/marriage counselor) or small business management/lit (to own a bookstore).

so what's the point of all this rambling? i dunno. is there really ever a point to rambling? probably not. but all these things... music, school, Jesus... these are the things of my heart. i dunno what the future holds, but i finally know who holds me.

oh, i hate this... i've been trying to figure out how to say what i want to say for at least half an hour now, but i don't know how to say it. i just want to say that this world is crazy, and so messed up, but somehow, i've found peace, and the Way that i need to go, and it's just the most incredible thing. to find peace in depression... that is a miracle. a couple of entries ago i talked about sanctus real's song about how it's chaos, and there's peace, and how that was the perfect definition of depression--chaos--but i didn't know where the peace was, but, Jesus, in His mercy and strength and love, showed me the peace, too... it's like, an orchestra singing glory and majesty... and i can dance in circles with my Maker in the middle of it all... it's just so crazy... but it's my life. wow. :]



haha... just something to balance all the deep thoughts with. :) i love this video. :))))

hallelujah...

wow... i've seen this video before, since phil wickham is my second favorite singer (second to sanctus real... *grin*), but today... today this song resonated so much with me... life's pretty good, but it's been a little depressing lately, and lately (namely, today), i've been wondering what you're supposed to do when you don't feel God, and you feel like you don't know Him anymore, and you feel like you're like any other joe schmo or jane doe, killed by this world.

cuz that's how i've felt lately. alone and killed by this world, full of secularity and emptied of God and goodness, and i feel like i've completely lost sight of who i am. it's not the first time i've lost sight of God, and now i know that not matter how i feel i always have to cling to Him even if i don't understand, but what... what do you do when the world grabs you by the throat and its talons dig into your trachea and slit your throat and you feel the last few breaths seeping out of you, and you have no hope and no strength to fight anymore? what do you do when it takes every effort just to keep breathing, to just sit there and not let go, to grit and grind your teeth and dig in and breathe in and breathe out, when that's all you can do, when praying doesn't seem to work and you don't feel God, and you don't even know WHY??? and you're desperate and you heave in and out and in and out and nothing makes sense and you know there has to be a purpose beyond these heaved breaths, beyond this nothing, but you don't know how to get there and so you heave in and out and try to find something, ANYTHING, to do to make the silence and the pain less obvious and felt, but you know it has to be something worthy of God, since you're supposed to be God's temple and His hands and feet and His breath and His touch and salt and light, but you're so, so, so tired of fighting.

that's how i felt this afternoon between my useless classes, and i just was sick of fighting and sick of this war and sick of being sick... and then, after supper, i sit down in my parents dark room and go on the internet, mainly to do my math homework, and then i find this... this worship anthem written and sung by an un-Christian singer (well, he might have been a Christian, but he wasn't a Christian singer) and covered by dozens of musicians, and sung with such passion from phil wickham, like he knows exactly what i'm talking about in this blog, that someone knows...

maybe all i know tonight is that when i don't feel Jesus, and i don't know what is going on, and i want so much to be who i am to be, but i'm not that person yet, i just have to hold on to Jesus and sing hallelujah. i don't even have to fight. i don't even have to protest, or figure out a battle plan, or figure anything out. i just have to keep believing that even if i never see Jesus' heart again on this earth, if i keep believing that He's for me, and i was created to be with Him and for Him, and if i keep telling people about Him, even if i don't even know if i know Him anymore... i don't have to have it all. i just have to cling to Him. and sing hallelujah... sing hallelujah...