Sick

I don't want to talk long. Seeing that I have to be up in Hamburg (which is like, 30 minutes away from my house) at 9 o'clock in the morning tomorrow, and well, I've been REALLY low on sleep all week...

But it just hit me, a few moments ago, how much I hate this world.

Please go read this.

Sometimes I forget people still grieve long after their grief has been seen by the public's eye. Sometimes I forget how hard it is to lose someone you love. And that sickens me, that I can even forget.

And I heard about a natural disaster happening near Nashville today. I don't even know what it was, but that it happened, and that it threatens lives infuriates me.

I wonder how much righteous anger Jesus goes through each day, thinking about all the injustices faced by the children He loves. He considers every person here on this earth someone He loves. How much pain could that be? How hasn't God died of a broken heart all over again?

Just thinking about one baby boy, not even born yet, who might not live... thinking about Bowen Matthew Hammitt, even though I don't know him, or his family even, makes me want to cry. If Jesus loves one person infinitely more than I ever could, how in the world hasn't He died of a broken heart again?

And why in the world do we have so little compassion?

Till next time,
Ash the (Heartbroken) Dreamer

Holy Moments...

This is going to be a short one, since my dad will get out of the shower any minute, and then we'll be off to church. :)

I've just been thinking, over the past 24 hours or less, about holy moments that I share with God. I don't know why, but in the middle of the night, when it's all dark, with no lights, as I listen to my favorite Christian music, as it seems like my story joins the music and we all go dancing through life... those are the holiest glimpses for me... I want to have them more often.

I've been missing God lately. Not that He's never around--He always is. :))))))) But I've been making my time with Him sparse, and I'm getting really ticked off at myself, that I do this to Him. He is worth so much more, and I really wish I wouldn't get caught up in the things that don't matter--catching up on TV shows, mainly, but just wasting time in general, wasting moments on things that don't matter. For a girl who feels called to revolutionize the world, I feel like I'm backing away from my purpose. :*(

God is merciful, and I'm learning. Sometimes I feel like this perfectly purposeful life is not even for me to grasp anymore, that I've messed up too much to live so perfectly in an instant, but I'm learning that grace doesn't listen to what Jesus' foe tries to tell me. I'm so grateful for that. And you don't have to wait for things to align perfectly, either. Grace is for the taking, and GRACE is for today. Take it. Grasp it. Believe it.

I wish I had a beautiful story to go along with this, a touching story to tell that will rapture your heart and make you believe... because stories have that tendency... but all I have is last night. :) It was a beautiful night. My family had all gone to bed; I was sitting in my father's recliner, and I had just read two Psalms for my Bible study... I was thinking about how sometimes, even after I'm past depression, it still doesn't make since and I don't know why God let it happen to me.

And then I turned on JCTV (this teenager Christian TV station), and it was a bunch of music videos, and I just watched... and all of a sudden, I was there. With Jesus in the room. And Matt Hammitt singing his song, and the lights flashing, and somehow was just dancing through it all, as Jesus led. Worship. That's what life's about.

And I want to experience it more.

Till the next time (hope it's not so long!!!),

Ash the (Worshipful) Dreamer

toes and drummers and marriage and twitter...

i stubbed my toe today. actually, about an hour ago. and it hurts REALLY bad. i almost passed out. but then again, i have a low tolerance for pain, so that's not really saying much.

i got a twitter account since my last post. still not sure if i want to put it on my blog. i just found my cousin in france on twitter. that made me pretty psyched. i haven't seen her for years, and i haven't talked to her for months. :*(

and for some reason really unknown to me, mark graalman, the drummer from sanctus real, is following my posts. ??????????????????!!!!!!!!!! i really don't get that, but i don't object! maybe that's God's way for getting me to be able to start that ministry for sanctus real and all the other Christian bands i was talking about earlier last year. :))) man, i sure do want to meet his little boys. ben and nate are sooooooooo adorable. so are claire and emmy, even though the girls are matt hammitt's, not mark graalman's, lol. i think i want to meet them more.

i leave for my new school at around 4 o'clock in the morning on sunday, so this is probably my last post on the east coast. the next time, it'll be in the middle of the midwest, in the middle of nowhere. *sigh*. i'm kind of looking forward to it, but i'm also afraid of some things.

i decided to change my major. did i tell you guys that, too? i changed it to psychology. i pretty much hate the idea of going to school for about seven more years, just so i can help the next generation to believe in marriage, and for this generation to fall in love with God's plan. but i really do believe in it, and i believe it is something God really called me to. other things are just my interests, but i think, if i can't write stories and help people fix their marriages, and meet sanctus real and preach all over america and change the next generation... if i can't do that, i think i will die.

well, i'm not feeling to great (health-wise), and i am really tired. i'm going to do my Bible study and call it a night. sweet dreams, internetdom. :)

till later,
ash the dreamer...