this picture kinda explains how i feel tonight. how i wish i had a haven like this where i could go and sit in the middle of all the glory of God and take a breath of fresh air. sometimes, in the middle of a million people, though, i get these glimpses of fresh air, even when i am breathing the dank, stale air of a city like reading, pennsylvania, cuz Jesus is my Breath of fresh air. i know that sounds corny in a million and one ways, but look at that picture. look at it. with those billowing, cotton-ball clouds swooping so low in their dance that you could almost reach up and touch them, with the trickling, tickling sound of the water underneath your feet, the feel of the worn wood under your palms as you stair up at the sky at God in wonder, how can Jesus not be your Breath of fresh air? this world is becoming increasingly like a stale city, full of foul, frenzied people, but Jesus... when i look at Jesus, i can breathe again.
at this moment, i feel like i've just breathed my first breath of air in a really long time. i just had to say how incredible it is to breathe again. :)
i just wanted to say that before this month is over. these are the random thoughts going through my head right now.
58 days until Christmas day. :)))))))))))))))) woohoo. i'm psyched. soar throats are a pain in the butt. i hate it that cussing is so popular and that now that i visit secular environments so much that those words enter my mind way too much. i want to meet Sanctus Real for more than five seconds and more than as just a fan who wants an autograph. i wonder where my Sanctus Real tee-shirt went to. i wonder how i'm going to end up changing the world like i know Jesus has planned for me to do. i miss my uncle (he was visiting from kansas) even though i'm glad there's more space in the house. i'm scared i'm gonna flunk my driver's test and never be able to drive. ever. :) really fearing that God has stopped making room for you in heaven is really scary. i've feared it, like, four times. it's mind-numbing. i still need to do my algebra homework. oh, wait. no i don't. cuz i had a test two days ago. :) i got accepted back into my dream school. i just need to come up with about $2500 by jan. 4. :) depression is stupid. i love my new playlist on myspace. here's my playlist on myspace:
1. yours, by dizmas 2. the fight song, by sanctus real 3. something to say, by matthew west 4. dear love, by the icarus account 5. doubts or disbelief, by chasen 6. grace, by phil wickham 7. nothing to lose, by sanctus real 8. stronger, by seabird 9. hold my heart, by tenth avenue north 10. opposite way, by leeland
yep. pretty awesome. Christian music at its best. :]]]]]]]] been thinking about ministry ideas. what i want to do to change the world. just don't know how to start it. i hate free taco afternoon at taco bell. i had about 7 people just about cuss me out when it came time to turn people away from their free tacos. silly people. they care about the stupidest things. please, nobody else steal any bases in the world series!!!! haha. i wanna paint again. oil painting is fun. i would love to miss a day of school. can't wait to get back to nebraska. i hope my Bible study is fruitful tonight. i wish i could study the Bible with matt hammitt and/or mike donehey. and mark graalman. that'd be awesome. i wanna meet claire hammitt. she's adorable. i want my bike back, so i can start exercising again. i wish i knew what major to take--psych (to become a family/marriage counselor) or small business management/lit (to own a bookstore).
so what's the point of all this rambling? i dunno. is there really ever a point to rambling? probably not. but all these things... music, school, Jesus... these are the things of my heart. i dunno what the future holds, but i finally know who holds me.
oh, i hate this... i've been trying to figure out how to say what i want to say for at least half an hour now, but i don't know how to say it. i just want to say that this world is crazy, and so messed up, but somehow, i've found peace, and the Way that i need to go, and it's just the most incredible thing. to find peace in depression... that is a miracle. a couple of entries ago i talked about sanctus real's song about how it's chaos, and there's peace, and how that was the perfect definition of depression--chaos--but i didn't know where the peace was, but, Jesus, in His mercy and strength and love, showed me the peace, too... it's like, an orchestra singing glory and majesty... and i can dance in circles with my Maker in the middle of it all... it's just so crazy... but it's my life. wow. :]
haha... just something to balance all the deep thoughts with. :) i love this video. :))))
wow... i've seen this video before, since phil wickham is my second favorite singer (second to sanctus real... *grin*), but today... today this song resonated so much with me... life's pretty good, but it's been a little depressing lately, and lately (namely, today), i've been wondering what you're supposed to do when you don't feel God, and you feel like you don't know Him anymore, and you feel like you're like any other joe schmo or jane doe, killed by this world.
cuz that's how i've felt lately. alone and killed by this world, full of secularity and emptied of God and goodness, and i feel like i've completely lost sight of who i am. it's not the first time i've lost sight of God, and now i know that not matter how i feel i always have to cling to Him even if i don't understand, but what... what do you do when the world grabs you by the throat and its talons dig into your trachea and slit your throat and you feel the last few breaths seeping out of you, and you have no hope and no strength to fight anymore? what do you do when it takes every effort just to keep breathing, to just sit there and not let go, to grit and grind your teeth and dig in and breathe in and breathe out, when that's all you can do, when praying doesn't seem to work and you don't feel God, and you don't even know WHY??? and you're desperate and you heave in and out and in and out and nothing makes sense and you know there has to be a purpose beyond these heaved breaths, beyond this nothing, but you don't know how to get there and so you heave in and out and try to find something, ANYTHING, to do to make the silence and the pain less obvious and felt, but you know it has to be something worthy of God, since you're supposed to be God's temple and His hands and feet and His breath and His touch and salt and light, but you're so, so, so tired of fighting.
that's how i felt this afternoon between my useless classes, and i just was sick of fighting and sick of this war and sick of being sick... and then, after supper, i sit down in my parents dark room and go on the internet, mainly to do my math homework, and then i find this... this worship anthem written and sung by an un-Christian singer (well, he might have been a Christian, but he wasn't a Christian singer) and covered by dozens of musicians, and sung with such passion from phil wickham, like he knowsexactly what i'm talking about in this blog, that someone knows...
maybe all i know tonight is that when i don't feel Jesus, and i don't know what is going on, and i want so much to be who i am to be, but i'm not that person yet, i just have to hold on to Jesus and sing hallelujah. i don't even have to fight. i don't even have to protest, or figure out a battle plan, or figure anything out. i just have to keep believing that even if i never see Jesus' heart again on this earth, if i keep believing that He's for me, and i was created to be with Him and for Him, and if i keep telling people about Him, even if i don't even know if i know Him anymore... i don't have to have it all. i just have to cling to Him. and sing hallelujah... sing hallelujah...
okay... so finally... here's the concert story i promised... :)
so i after i posted the blog about how i was so excited about going to the concert, i woke up my dad (he was napping! i couldn't believe it...), and i borrowed $20 from my sister so i could buy a sanctus real shirt. :) she was so gracious. i love my little sisters. anyways... we went out to the car and my dad drove for FOREVER!!!!!!!!! it didn't seem like we would ever get there! and my dad went there a different way from the directions i got from mapquest, so i was kinda freaking out, but then it was okay, cuz we got there, and i remembered this church we had gone to for this other event, so i was okay.
we ate at burger king before going to the meet-and-greet, and it was pretty much not even worth it, cuz i was basically bouncing off the walls... i was SOOOOOOOOOOOO excited, but also really nervous about meeting the band. my dad just laughed at me.
anyway, then we finished and went to the church. it was huge!!!!! the parking lot was almost 10 times the size of our church's parking lot, and i always thought we had a pretty big parking lot. the church was huge, too. we went inside, and as soon as we did, this man was yelling out that if people had orange tickets to go on through, so i was like, "woohoo!" but i was also really nervous because i knew it was for the meet-and-greet. i didn't know what to expect, but i didn't want to sound like a raving idiot, i knew that for sure. it turned out that there were so many people at the meet and greet that they just had sanctus real answer a few questions and sign some autographs before going back to get ready for the show. i was going to ask them a question, but i was too nervous, and other people asked questions, so i don't feel too bad about that.
then it was time for the show, and the first band, vota, came out. they were okay; i don't really like most of their music, but i always liked two of their songs--they only played one that i like. then there was a little break, and tenth avenue north came out. they are pretty cool... i love their music, but it just seemed like they played their music and got off stage; i didn't really feel that much of a connection, but maybe that's because i wasn't up at the stage. but i got a few cool videos of them.
then sammy a., the speaker, came out. he was pretty powerful. he talked to you one-on-one almost, but it was powerful, like one of those powerhouse preachers. he talked about how all of us in the room were brought there for a specific purpose, and God knew what that was, and he talked about how we were all a part of the top 1% of the world, because we had change in our pockets, and we weren't starving, and a bunch of other things. and then he talked about how one person could change the world, especially through mocha club, and i was like, "oh, yeah!!!!!!!!" i was so psyched to change the world again... i wanted to help out so bad, to be a part of something greater, to help, to make a change... i was so pumped.
then sanctus real came out... oh, boy!!!!! this was pretty much the best part, although sammy a. was pretty incredible, too. i went up in front of the stage for that, and i took my camera (which finally decided to cooperate and let me take pictures and video... my batteries are so retarded...) with me.
sanctus real is so awesome live. they just connected with the people so much... i always thought their music was awesome, and that they were pretty cool guys, but seeing them live... it was almost as if they were personally glad each and every one of us were there to share them rocking out, and they wanted to show us that. i was standing on the right side of the stage, facing the stage, so i was pretty close to the guitarist, chris rohman. i always wanted to meet matt (the lead singer) and mark (the drummer), and i kinda wanted to meet chris, but after watching chris live--he connected with the people so well. he kept giving away his picks, and i think he winked at me once, which is kinda cool. :)
and there was this one girl, she was just leaning against the stage, her head in her hands, looking a little depressed, and chris noticed her, and for a moment, he rested his chin on his hand like she was doing and smiled. she stood up self-consciously and smiled slightly. then he threw her his pick... i dunno how to explain it... they just really love people, it seems like. and matt kept giving people hi-fives as he sang, and he would take cameras/video cameras from the fans and give them these great videos of mark playing the drums and dan and pete and chris, and himself, too. i kinda wish i was closer to him, so maybe he woulda taken a video for me. oh, well. maybe next time. cuz there will be a next time. :)
after the concert, i went straight to the wordfm's booth, cuz my favorite radio station was there, and they are collecting money for this charity, cents for hope, that's helping orphans (i think) in honduras. so i had a sandwich bag, full of pennies ($3.47 worth)... it was heavy, btw... and i dropped it off. then i went and bought a tee-shirt at the sanctus real booth. i had gone online earlier to see which shirts they had, and i found one that had that song that changed my life and helped to start pulling me out of depression--it's called "whatever you're doing (something heavenly)"--so i bought that one. i waited in a long line to get sanctus real to sign it, but they did, and they also took a picture with me... yay!!!!!!!!! i also got to tell matt that i was so grateful for "whatever you're doing", because of how it pulled him out of depression, and a smile lit up his face, and he was so genuine, and he was like, "wow... thank you for telling me that... that means a lot!" and i was just like, :]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so there's the concert... maybe i'll try to upload videos and pictures later. i should get ready for work. :)
6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
Isaiah 58:6-11, NIV
i've just been really thinking about these verses--and their meaning--a lot lately. with signing up to be a part of mocha club, and just hearing about what has gone on over there, and then there are these ER episodes where carter and luka go over to africa to volunteer... some of that footage is just gut-wrenching, heart-searing, life-changing drama, and it has had my stomach churning for almost two hours to do something for those people, to show them the love of Jesus, to show them the face of love... i wish i could do more than $7 a month to change the world... i still feel so helpless... but still, what can i do? how can i help so many people when i am only one, and so much is already expected of me, with school and work and chores? that's not what is important--impacting lives for eternity is!!!!! but i feel so tied down!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
lately, i have had this driving passion to change the world. it was a feeling i had almost every other day before i became depressed, and now, thanks to the AWESOME SANCTUS REAL CONCERT (thanks, guys!!! on the off chance that you ever read my blog... haha), i have had that compelling feeling almost multiple times in the days that have followed.
for one, i am completely stoked. i can't believe that this feeling is coming back... my number one dream has always been to change the world, relationships at a time, and for so many months, i haven't felt that passion. for two, i want to scream and pull my hair out (despite how painful i know that would be). at the sanctus real concert, this really cool preacher-dude (his name is sammy adebiyi) from africa (nigeria) who now lives in toledo, ohio, was talking about a tangible way that we can change the world. i would give almost anything to change the world, to be a part of something bigger with every move that i make.
i mean, between blogging for this blog, i did sign up for mocha club, which i am totally stoked about... and even though it seems like such a little thing, it is changing the world, if only by a little. (btw, if you wanna join my team, go to http://mochaclub.org/joinme/dreamer84 and sign up. it only costs 7 bucks per month, and it really makes a difference.)
well, i need to go to work tomorrow, so i should sign off for today... i just wish it was easier to make a difference... hmmm...
okay... so dan gartley is 100% correct on this one... fall is officially here, the leaves are starting to turn, and i am PSYCHED!!!!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!!! okay, i know i'm not the only who is completely in love with fall, but it's is like, the coolest part of the whole year--well, fall and all the way till spring semester starts. i mean... think about it... leaves turning colors, wearing hoodies and jeans, getting ready for Christmas, hot cocoa and hot apple cider, the newness of a new school year, THE COOLEST CONCERT OF ALL TIME (yeah, that's right... i'm talking about the Sanctus Real concert... more details to come in a later blog... :]...), buying Christmas presents, being with family... WOW, i'm excited!!!!!!!
hope y'all enjoy this fall as much as i'm planning on it... :)
sorry i haven't posted anything in a REALLY long time. yeah... i didn't even tell you about public school... wow... the thing is, i don't really write if i don't feel like it would be God speaking through me, so that's pretty much why i haven't said anything. that, and i hate public school too much. :)
but that's not why i'm blogging today... today... oh, yeah, i'm like SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) about today, cuz i'm going to this concert... never been to a Christian rock concert before, and this is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE BAND IN THE WHOLE WORLD... i'm leaving in an hour or two, and we're driving about an hour to see Sanctus Real. i'm really excited, not just for the concert, cuz one of my other favorite bands, Tenth Avenue North, is gonna be there, and this pretty cool speaker, and this other band... AND!!!!!!!!!! and, i'm going to this meet-and-greet... i am so psyched. to hear Sanctus Real live, and to meet them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEP!!!!!!!!!!! :) i know... i'm terribly over dramatic.
i guess it's because i haven't been so excited about doing something for so long, and i've really wanted to meet this band for the longest time, and i've been waiting for this day for a REALLY long time. not only that... when i was depressed for the past year, something about Sanctus Real's music helped me remain committed to God in the midst of it all. i remember this one song... it totally destroyed my reserve and any fight i had left, and i was just completely empty, trying to figure out how what Matt Hammitt was singing could be true. i didn't get it.... the line went something like this: "Whatever You're doing inside of me / it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace / and its hard to surrender to what i can't see / but i'm giving in to something heavenly." i totally understood the feeling of chaos in my life--depression is UTTER CHAOS--but i really didn't feel ANY peace at all. i felt like calling this great spiritual counselor of mine a liar, cuz i really didn't understand it. but then as i sat there on my porch, just me and God and the voice of Matt Hammitt, i found healing. every time i didn't think i would make it.
and today i did. and i'm this close |------| to being healed from depression, and just to meet someone that instrumental in helping me pull out of depression, through the grace of God... i just really want to meet that person, and to thank them for what they did cuz of Jesus.
well, i should study a little more for my exam tomorrow before i leave. that, and get ready. :) i'll let you know how it went. i promise. and there'll probably be more on ucky public school, too. :)
tomorrow, i start school again... i feel like i'm so behind everybody else! anywho, tomorrow i'll probably have some stories to tell, but, for today, i feel like doing something i saw a bunch of other people doing on the internet--posting a "top 10 favorites" list--on myspace, their blog, whatever. so i'm gonna do it, too.
10. what women want
9. working at taco bell
8. 2008 beijing olympics
7. two weeks notice
6. laughing
5. getting ready for school
4. writing novels--especially about beautiful characters
3. Sanctus Real
2. the mikucki brothers (i feel inclined to say that these two boys aren't the mikucki brothers... at least, not the ones i'm talking about. :) i just don't have a picture of joe and geoffrey... :])
1. God's love and mercy.
that's all, folks. i wanna watch a movie before i go to bed. toodles... :P
haha... this is what i do with my days off. :) i love these two videos.
anyways, if i had a good story, i'd tell it, but this has been one of the most boring-est vacations i have had in my whole entire lifetime. i didn't even watch a good movie. maybe i'll have an exciting story for you once i start my first non-Christian school. probably could stretch that one a while. :)
