It's Time for a Change...

After a few years of blogging here (and a few years of ignoring you!  I'm so sorry!), I've decided it's time for a change.  I feel God leading me into a ministry that hopefully, one day, I can do full-time, and I've decided to reformat my blog to coincide with that.  If you'd like to follow my Jesus adventures (and all my everyday-ramblings), you can find me at aimersansfin.blogspot.com.  My plan is to blog there much more frequently than I have here in the past several months.

You might also notice that over there I go by Lise, rather than Ashley/Ash...  It's just a new nickname I'm adjusting to, and that I rather like.  But feel free to continue calling me Ashley or Ash if you so desire.  I'm still Ashley, after all.  :)

Here's to talking this new journey with some friends.

With love,
Ash (or Lise)

A Greater Grace

I am really good at sabotaging myself. I mean, scary good.

How easily I mess up. How easily I lash out at others--even across the face-less internet--in my righteous indignation, how easily I waste the moments God has given me for opportunity to do good, how easily I fall into temptation. Sometimes (heaven forbid!) eagerly. Why do I do the things that I do?

In Exodus 33, Moses says to God, "If you yourself don’t go with us, then don’t send us away from this place. If you don’t go with us, no one will know that you are pleased with me and with your people. These people and I will be no different from any other people on earth." I saw that in a devotional I get sent to my email inbox and it nearly stole my breath away. Moses refused to leave that mountain without God, and yet I don't even remember to bring Him to work with me.

How easily I fall.

And how easily I hate myself afterward. And how easily I could take a stand for the truth, for the good, how easily I could be the change I want to see in the world. But I don't.

Sometimes I make myself sick. (Don't we all?) Who among us doesn't cry out with Paul, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst"? I do.

Sometimes I hang my head in shame and just weep. Sometimes I don't even know how to talk to Him, when He is so holy, and I am so... not. I can even see the good plans He has for me, and I seem to sabotage these heavenly dreams that have become my own. Why do I do the things that I do?

But oh, how I love the words of James 4:6: "But He gives a greater grace."

Oh, praise God for the greater grace. How lost I would be without it--the very air I breathe.

Love,
Ash, the (Redeemed) Dreamer

How Great Is Our God

I don't blog very often anymore, but I just wanted to share it for those who are still reading. I love this.

Okay, sooo...

I know I haven't blogged in a while. Really, I want to, but most of the time I don't know what to say, and I'm so busy.

But my Buddy left today. For basic training. I'm so worried about him it's not even funny. I want this for him SO BAD, but I don't want him to leave SO BAD... but he's already on his way to Harrisburg, and we're a mess.

Anyway, so I just wanted to ask you guys to pray for my brother, and my family, and that Johnny stays safe and well these next several weeks. And that maybe, just maybe, where he's stationed for the first time is semi-close to home. Or wherever I end up when I graduate. Because I miss him so bad already it's not even funny.

Anyway. I'll try and be back soon, with something more cheery, lol.

Love,
Ash

Perfect.

I kinda don't want to talk about this.

(Does that mean I shouldn't?) But I need to get this out there--to admit it, to make it real.

I have NO clue what I'm going to do with my life.

I'm trying oh-so-hard not to complain about this, but sometimes life is just so confusing. And after my last blog post, I feel even worse about this. But here we go.

I think I'm getting my depression/OCD back. Not that it ever TRULY left, but it's been back with a vengeance these past two weeks (don't worry, I have my health insurance, so I'm planning to make an appointment to see a counselor as soon as possible!), and that just clouds everything. I love my major, don't get me wrong--I think I'm positively CALLED to be a writer. One day it'll happen. And I love being a professional writing major. Lovelovelove it. I was completely reassured that this is the place I'm supposed to be when I had to do some homework this afternoon. (Yeah, how's that for a sign?)

But then I started my internship on Monday... and I kinda don't think I'd survive a week at it if I was getting paid to do it. Now... I stick with it, b/c I need the credit, and the experience, but I don't think I could ever do this after I graduate. Not unless it's vastly different. And you know, I thought God was calling me to this. If it's a calling, something I'm MEANT to do, then why am I so confused, so pained, over this? That's not normal, is it? And I mean, I keep getting these thoughts that this sort of future that I was thinking I was heading towards--it's not really God's future for me. I mean, not the newsletter editing/writing/etc. thing. I love designing them, but I don't think I was meant to do this.

I just keep coming back to the idea that I was meant to help people. I think I was meant to help people and write novels. And adopt kids. lol. But if I can't get published RIGHT after I get out of college (which, at the rate I'm going, that will never happen!), I don't see how helping people is going to sustain me financially. How do you bake cookies for sick people and help single moms and go door-to-door praying for people and making lonely people smile and buy groceries for a family who can't afford it and give jobs to those who have lost them in this economy... THAT'S what I feel called to do, I think, but how do you sustain yourself, keep a living, doing that? I feel like I wasn't meant to fit into this world, to pay taxes and to go along with the financial format this world runs in. If my depression was gone today, and I didn't have to worry about anything, seriously, I think I would spend ALL my time writing novels and helping people with the little stuff.

I just don't know how to turn that into an income. Can you create a nonprofit ministry that has donors or something? I don't know the slightest thing about starting a ministry like that. I don't know. So I'm left with a million questions, and my mom keeps telling me, "Oh, Ashley, I told you... you have to go into writing... God has given you a gift, and you have to use it!" Yeah, I WANT to use my gift for Him, more than anything else in the world, but I truly don't believe Jesus WANTS me to be a journalist or a newsletter editor or anything like that! MAYBE a book editor or MAYBE a magazine writer, but really? No. I think Jesus wants me to help people. I've thought about being a missionary... but I don't know. So I'd appreciate prayers. Hopefully I can get some of this figured out in counseling, too.

I guess what I REALLY want to say out of all of this (besides the relief at just being able to share this with anybody--even if it's just an internetdom that doesn't see this) is that IT'S OKAY to not know what you're doing. I don't know. And I'm terrified about what will happen by New Years Day 2012. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but I am trying to trust that God knows where it's all going. I am going to have to start sending out resumes and job applications in the next couple of months... and I just pray that by the end of the summer, I can have this all figured out. But the main point? Jesus is with me. Jesus is taking care of me. And Jesus has my future in His hands. I pray that I can pray more about this, that I can learn more about God's plans, because that's all I really want to do.

But it's okay not to have the answers. I wish I could believe that more. It's okay to not be perfect. Jesus' perfection covers my imperfection, and I believe He'll help me figure it all out one day. And that gives me true hope. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Hopeful?) Dreamer

Ohhhh, please.....

I really hope someone sees this and remembers to pray for me. :*(

My dad just told me tonight at supper that I no longer have insurance under his plan. I'm 23, which I guess means that parents' insurance no longer covers you? I don't know. But my depression/OCD is coming back with a vengeance, and I don't even know what to do. I was about to make an appointment to see a psychologist, to hopefully get antidepressants, and to get WELL. But now... now I don't know what to do. And I just can't stop crying.

I feel so lost.

Ash the (Not-So-Much) Dreamer

War

I need a bumper sticker.

When you have something to proclaim to the world, something so momentous you can't just tell a few friends on facebook, that's when you need a bumper sticker, right?

Well, I need a bumper sticker.

My brother was just accepted into the Air Force. My BROTHER just got accepted into the AIR FORCE! I'm officially a part of a military family.

I mean, I was before--my dad was in the Air Force when he was my brother's age. But he hasn't been a part of the military for DECADES. And now, now my little Buddy is a SOLDIER!

You can't even imagine what that feels like.

I'm SO utterly proud of him, so excited that his dream is coming true. Out of all the people in the world, I would fight for orphans and soldiers the most. If you're selfless enough to become a soldier, then you deserve a TON of recognition and gratitude, in my book. My brother's about to step into that world, and I'm so proud my heart's about to explode.

Then again, I'm terrified. He's talking about training as one of those soldiers who sits at the edge of a helicopter, with the machine guns, taking out the enemy below. He's talking about driving trucks along roads that are LINED with IEDs. He's talking about being a security detail, walking the streets of Iraq. I'm thrilled that he's SO excited about this, but I'm scared half to death.

What if my Buddy is murdered by insurgents on his first day of his first deployment? What if my Buddy loses a leg or an arm? What if he becomes paralyzed? Worse of all, what if his SOUL becomes paralyzed, because of all the horrors he'll see? What will killing a man do to my heartwarming, adorable little brother?

Buddy is TOO GOOD for war. He's funny and happy and silly and hugable and smart and artistic, and all that could be wasted when some (potentially) well-meaning government officials decide that his skills would be best served in a war zone. If the American military topples my brother's already weak faith, I think that would kill me.

What will being a soldier do to him? I'm scared of that.

But oh, I'm oh-so-proud.

I'm a sister of an airman. I'm a sister of an airman who is going to KICK BUTT.

That's all for now. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Worried) Dreamer

Happy Birthday...

This evening has been kinda hard.

Today, if my grandmother had lived a little over four months longer, she would have had a birthday.

I can't believe she's been gone for over FOUR months.

I can still remember hearing my sisters sing at her funeral.

I miss her.

A lot.

And that's really all I have to say. That, and there are just some people that don't deserve to die.

And she was one of them. Sometimes life is so unfair.

Till next time,
Ash the (Sad) Dreamer

lalala...

Okay. I know I just blogged. But this song is seriously fabulous! Listen. Please. :]



Ash the Dreamer

Welcome to My World...

Long time, no see, everybody!

I have no clue if people even still care about me blogging, hahahaha. But it brought about something good in my life, so I kinda want to get back into it.

Sooo... what has Ashley been up to? Not a whole stinkin' lot. The biggest news is that I am completely in love with Ugly Betty. I know, exciting stuff, right?

That... and I'm writing again! Yay! Exciting stuff. Well... it's only fanfiction. But it makes me happy. And it's got me thinking about writing my own stories. Sooo. I think it's a good thing. If you have any clue what Covert Affairs is... or even if you want to know... and you're remotely curious about what I write like when I'm not rambling like an idiot... you should check it out. :] Here's the link to my profile that has all the stories I've written. here. :]

Okay. I think that's it for now. I'll try and come up with something more exciting later. :]

Till next time,
Ash the Dreamer

My Unforgettable...

I dunno if anybody saw my "unforgettable" blog a couple months (weeks?) ago, but I was talking about how my grandmother who has been really sick lately--how I could NEVER forget her, never leave her behind.

Well, yesterday, she passed away. 2:40, Thursday, November 4, 2010. She was almost 80 years old. I'm so glad God gave us that much.

I miss her already... I'm not going to lie. When I came downstairs this morning, her hospital bed was already gone... The living room, where she had been staying, was so empty. So much of our lives will change now. Much of everything revolved around caring for her for the past 3 or so months. And now she's gone. No more getting her drinks, finding her medicines, letting the nurses into the house, no more making her BLT sandwiches and seeing her quiet smile, no more rushing out the door in the morning, shouting, "Love you!" to my parents or sister, and having her always mistakenly thinking I was talking to her... and then I would always have to say it to her. I didn't say it to her because I didn't want to disturb her rest... but she was always awake, always listening for those words, searching for that hug, that kiss, that visit... She had overcome so much, only to rely on us for everything in the end. It was really sad.

But I'm glad.

She was in so much pain. Her cancer was robbing her of life. The nurses couldn't even bathe her without the pain flashing across her face. It was like life was clinging to her, instead of her clinging to life. It was so sad, seeing her hold on, just to face more pain each day. And now... now all her pain is over.

And I'm glad for that mercy.

Till next time,
Ash the (Unsure) Dreamer

please pray...

please pray for my grandmother. again. or still.

whatever.

hospice has just accepted her this week...

yesterday, we were talking DNRs and weening her off her medications and funeral arrangements.

it makes me sick with grief.

till next time,
ash the (devastated) dreamer

lalala...

I dunno if anybody reads my blog anymore, haha, but I just wanted to post this... on the off chance that somebody sees it, for one, and for two, so I can remember it...

It just reminded me about everything I'm so passionate about. :)



Till next time,
Ash the (Sleepy) Dreamer

The Miracle of Life?

Yesterday, probably my best friend in the world right now had her triplets. Well, I guess that's technically not true--the first triplet was born on my brother's birthday (May 19), because they couldn't stop little Ari from coming--I already mentioned her miraculous story. And baby Ari's still going strong. But they knew Ari's "twin" was still in there--and Krista (I'm giving them different names, because they really appreciate their privacy online) had been told there was news about her pregnancy, pretty big news, but she didn't want to know, just because she'd been going through so much, with Ari's INSANELY early birth, and the death of the woman who raised her, and getting pregnant so soon after she'd had twins (I'll call them Zavier and Claire). And she and her hubby Danny had taken in two foster boys (Bailey, age 3, and Christian, 14 months).

So she didn't want to know--she just wanted to wait until her baby came to know. Well, the news was that she wasn't having twins, but TRIPLETS! So yesterday, little Dominic made his appearance in to the world, and they were very excited--Ari had a little Dom to forever be her twin, and life was looking good--until a few moments later, when Krista had more birth pains--and they were like, "Yeah, congratulations, Krista, it's TRIPLETS!" lol.

And then little ASHLEY was born (yes, I STINKIN' CAN'T BELIEVEEEEEEEEEEEEE she named her daughter after me!). Danny told Krista (who told me) that he said that they just HAD to use Ashley, because they loved the nn Lea(h), and that I had been such a godsend in their lives--not just with helping Krista and Danny pick out names for their past five children, but because I had been there for Krista during all the hard times this year. And there have been hard times, let me tell you. I started crying--I STILL can't believe it.

I felt so good, so confident in life, so humble, so honored, so caught up in a perfect miracle of how life is supposed to be, so excited for the Porter family, who now have eight perfect children (yes, even perfect little Ari Porter, who could possibly grow up with a million different problems, but she's still oh-so-perfect, because Jesus gave her a life-sustaining hope for the future!). Hazel, Bailey, Christian, Zavier, Claire, Ariana, Dominic, and Ashley. And they're all so beautiful and loved. I can't believe how GOOD God has been to their family.

And then, my friend Amelie emailed me last night. She had triplets on August 12, and the second of her triplets, Jonas, passed away on September 22.

I was stricken with horror.

Hours ago I was celebrating with Krista, Danny, Hazel, Bailey, Christian, Zavier, Claire, and Ariana over the sweet victories of Dominic's and Ashley's births... and now, my heart is breaking for Amelie, and how she has lost Jonas, too.

Sometimes, I don't understand how in the world life can be fair.

I'm struck by the sadness, the perplexity, of the fact that two beautiful, perfect babies can be born in America, while a beautiful baby boy dies in France. Life seems unfair.

I heard this song today... it seemed to fit what I was thinking... as if I know what I'm thinking, even--I'm so happy for Krista and Danny, but so sad for Amelie and her last baby, Baby Lainey, who has to live without Ysa and Jonas, her two perfect triplets. :*(



Till next time,
Ash the (Confused) Dreamer

Miracles.

My friend's baby girl, Ariana Abigail June (Ari for short), was born exactly four months ago tomorrow. Tomorrow, baby Ari will be FOUR MONTHS old. I can't believe it. Ari was born premature. Which, in itself, wouldn't be that extraordinary. But Ari was born at TWENTY-ONE WEEKS. We all expected Ari to go. But we all believed that God had monstrously humongously huge plans for baby Ari... so we kept praying and holding on, just like baby Ari has done. Ari's had quite a few complications--her sight and hearing isn't very good at all, and there is a good chance that she will be legally blind her whole life, and her lungs and brain and heart were severely underdeveloped... but Ari is ALIVE. And Ari's doing GOOD. And she's healthy for what she went through, and just maybe, when her twin is born in a couple weeks, baby Ari will be able to come home with Danny or Bridget (we don't know if it's a boy or a girl...).

Baby Bowen Matthew was born just 9 days ago. He was born late, so he didn't face the same issues that baby Ari has faced. But Bowen was born with severe heart problems, and just days after he was born, he had to face open-heart surgery. I can't even imagine. But before they sewed him back up, he arrested. The whole world thought he was going to die. I say the whole world, because he's the son of a fairly famous singer in the Christian music/entertainment world. Hundreds--maybe even thousands--of people are praying for this baby boy. Today, baby Bowen's chest has been sewed back together, and he's doing very well. Time will tell, but today is a good day for baby Bowen Hammitt.

My grandmother has a million and one medical problems, and just as many medications to take daily. She could potentially be battling pancreatic cancer, and they have no solution for her illness. Treating the cancer would kill her. So she musters through every day, taking her medicine, trying to regain strength, watching TV, listening to the antics of my siblings and I. I was sure she would have been dead two years ago. She beat lung cancer, just to be swamped with pneumonia, pancreatic cancer, and who knows what else. When I asked her how her morning was when I got back from church just moments ago, she whispered (since she hasn't been able to talk above a whisper for months) with a twinkle in her eye, "Oh, just like any other morning." My nana's not giving up in the face of adversity and pain is a miracle.

Life may not be perfect, this I know completely... I could point out a million different heartbreak stories that I've heard lately, but life is also miraculous.

Oh, may we never forget.

Till next time,
Ash the (Hopeful) Dreamer

Studio, Studio...

Ahahahaha... I just had to post this, I positively LOVE this clip, it's so funny. lol. America's Got Talent is really the only reality/contest show I watch, and I just started this summer... and AH, I stinkin' ADORE it now, haha, it's so good! And this is my favorite part from the whole season, lol. :))))

And, well, I WOULD go on to actually say something else, haha, but I can't think of anything else tonight...

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well! Talk to you soon!

Till next time,
Ash the (Amused) Dreamer

help, my dear friends, please!

haha, I usually go to the baby name website that I love so dearly, but I figured I would post it here first, haha, just to see if you had any lovely ideas.

Yesterday I had a pretty cool idea of doing a story about a blind guy, kinda a gooshy love story... I dunno, maybe smooshing it with this other idea I had about this other blind girl trying to discover who was responsible with the auto accident that caused her to become blind and deaf... and a bit of my new favorite TV show (Covert Affairs--I utterly ADORE Auggie from that show, haha--you should look it up, it's utterly genius), I am not sure if I'll actually write it, but it's the best idea I've had in a while, and I've always loved the idea of writing stories for handicaps, especially with a lead character either being deaf or blind or both.

I'm just trying to come up with a name for him... so far I'm thinking that he'll have a terrifically positive outlook on life, a really sweet sense of humor, a great friend, an utter gentleman... a Christian, of course... my first two ideas for him were Daniel (nn Danny?) and Grayson, maybe August or Christian... but I think the whole August thing might be pushing it, because of the whole Auggie thing on Covert Affairs, haha. Which is why I was thinking of maybe Auguste as a second MN, or something, making him have some French heritage? Haven't decided yet.

But since you all are so important to me and I adore you all so much, I would love any ideas you have, especially since I know that Amelie, Paige, and Jen utterly adore names, haha.

Thanks so much for any ideas you have... :)

Talk to you soon,
Ash the (Creative) Dreamer

:*(

Ah!

I LOVE this picture. I just hope that if my brother gets the privilege to serve America like so many soldiers do, and if he's a daddy before he gets out of the military, that his little girl or little boy finds it this hard to let go! :*(

Till next time,
Ash the (Sniffing) Dreamer

Dear Three,

Auguste. Arielle. Charlotte. I don't know what your mommy will end up naming you, but since this is what I know she was planning months ago... this is what I call you, for now. Dear Auggie, Ari, and Lottie. Your momma loves you. I'm not your momma, but I think I love you too. I was so happy for your momma when she told me that she was bringing you all into this world. Dears, this world isn't perfect, but when you have such an awesome mommy that you have, your life will be all right.

I'm sorry I can't be there, that I can't watch over you... I'm sorry that I can't press my nose to the glass and watch you fight for your lives... I'm sorry that I can't move mountains. I'm sorry I'm just a girl. I wish I could be superwoman for you, dears.

Auggie, Ari, Lottie... please... please, for your momma, for EVERYTHING she's been through in the past few months... please hold on. Please don't give up. I know God has given me a feeling of strength and purpose and future for you, and I believe that life will be okay and good again for your family, but until then, your momma needs hope and someone to hold her up. I know you can't hold her up, but you can keep fighting. And when you fight, your momma is given strength. So fight, please, never give up. For my friend that deserves the world. For the treasures that lay ahead for you. For the way your grandpere will adore you, for the way your auntie will spoil you... for the way the world will believe in you.

Auggie, Ari, Lottie... oh, if I could be there in the hospital with you... I would stand next to the window, pressing my nose against the glass, and plead for your lives. I already am pleading for your lives, to the One who I know can move mountains and rescue lives. But something about being there makes it feel more urgent, more real... And I'm sorry I can't be there for you and your mommy in person. But please know that I believe in you. And God believes in you. Your mommy believes in you. And I think God is going to do something amazing through you... so please... please never give up...

Love,
Ash (a dreamer)

(P.S... to those of you who don't know... which is pretty much all of you... I don't want to tell all my friend's issues all over the internet, but a lot has happened to her recently, and today her triplets were born, and they aren't even 25 weeks yet... So PLEASE, if you're the praying type, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE pray for them, and please pray for their momma, you can call her Millie. Thanks a million!)

Till next time,
Ash the (Confused, Sad, Overwhelmed, Compassionate, Worried) Dreamer

Lex.

Oh, I love little kids. haha.

I went to go visit my nana today... and she lives with my cousin, his wife, and their two girls (Lexi, who's six, and Emma, who's about 18 months). Lexi was so fascinated by me, lol, she just talked to me for over an hour straight. lol.

She was showing me her little toy gerbils, her "cell phone", her toy bat and toy kitty... she's so funny, haha.

At one point, she was like, "Oh, the momma gerbil is Sally, and the baby gerbil is Bebe..."

I was like, "Oh. Okay."

And then about ten minutes later, she SMACKED her forehead like she was an idiot, haha, and groaaaaaaned this groan of death, and said, "UGH!!!! I lied! The baby isn't Bebe, it's PHOEBE!!!! I have wayyyyy too many pets. I always get them confused... I just have three!"

hahahaha! She made me laugh so hard, I was like, "For real? Little kids can be THIS funny?!" haha. She's so silly. :)

I figured I would share that with you, she was such a doll. And so is Emma. ahahaha. They're so cute. :)

Till next time,
Ash the (Amused) Dreamer