After a few years of blogging here (and a few years of ignoring you! I'm so sorry!), I've decided it's time for a change. I feel God leading me into a ministry that hopefully, one day, I can do full-time, and I've decided to reformat my blog to coincide with that. If you'd like to follow my Jesus adventures (and all my everyday-ramblings), you can find me at aimersansfin.blogspot.com. My plan is to blog there much more frequently than I have here in the past several months.
You might also notice that over there I go by Lise, rather than Ashley/Ash... It's just a new nickname I'm adjusting to, and that I rather like. But feel free to continue calling me Ashley or Ash if you so desire. I'm still Ashley, after all. :)
Here's to talking this new journey with some friends.
With love,
Ash (or Lise)
15 October 2013
08 October 2013
A Greater Grace
I am really good at sabotaging myself. I mean, scary good.
How easily I mess up. How easily I lash out at others--even across the face-less internet--in my righteous indignation, how easily I waste the moments God has given me for opportunity to do good, how easily I fall into temptation. Sometimes (heaven forbid!) eagerly. Why do I do the things that I do?
In Exodus 33, Moses says to God, "If you yourself don’t go with us, then don’t send us away from this place. If you don’t go with us, no one will know that you are pleased with me and with your people. These people and I will be no different from any other people on earth." I saw that in a devotional I get sent to my email inbox and it nearly stole my breath away. Moses refused to leave that mountain without God, and yet I don't even remember to bring Him to work with me.
How easily I fall.
And how easily I hate myself afterward. And how easily I could take a stand for the truth, for the good, how easily I could be the change I want to see in the world. But I don't.
Sometimes I make myself sick. (Don't we all?) Who among us doesn't cry out with Paul, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst"? I do.
Sometimes I hang my head in shame and just weep. Sometimes I don't even know how to talk to Him, when He is so holy, and I am so... not. I can even see the good plans He has for me, and I seem to sabotage these heavenly dreams that have become my own. Why do I do the things that I do?
But oh, how I love the words of James 4:6: "But He gives a greater grace."
Oh, praise God for the greater grace. How lost I would be without it--the very air I breathe.
Love,
Ash, the (Redeemed) Dreamer
How easily I mess up. How easily I lash out at others--even across the face-less internet--in my righteous indignation, how easily I waste the moments God has given me for opportunity to do good, how easily I fall into temptation. Sometimes (heaven forbid!) eagerly. Why do I do the things that I do?
In Exodus 33, Moses says to God, "If you yourself don’t go with us, then don’t send us away from this place. If you don’t go with us, no one will know that you are pleased with me and with your people. These people and I will be no different from any other people on earth." I saw that in a devotional I get sent to my email inbox and it nearly stole my breath away. Moses refused to leave that mountain without God, and yet I don't even remember to bring Him to work with me.
How easily I fall.
And how easily I hate myself afterward. And how easily I could take a stand for the truth, for the good, how easily I could be the change I want to see in the world. But I don't.
Sometimes I make myself sick. (Don't we all?) Who among us doesn't cry out with Paul, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst"? I do.
Sometimes I hang my head in shame and just weep. Sometimes I don't even know how to talk to Him, when He is so holy, and I am so... not. I can even see the good plans He has for me, and I seem to sabotage these heavenly dreams that have become my own. Why do I do the things that I do?
But oh, how I love the words of James 4:6: "But He gives a greater grace."
Oh, praise God for the greater grace. How lost I would be without it--the very air I breathe.
Love,
Ash, the (Redeemed) Dreamer
25 November 2011
How Great Is Our God
I don't blog very often anymore, but I just wanted to share it for those who are still reading. I love this.
05 September 2011
Okay, sooo...
I know I haven't blogged in a while. Really, I want to, but most of the time I don't know what to say, and I'm so busy.
But my Buddy left today. For basic training. I'm so worried about him it's not even funny. I want this for him SO BAD, but I don't want him to leave SO BAD... but he's already on his way to Harrisburg, and we're a mess.
Anyway, so I just wanted to ask you guys to pray for my brother, and my family, and that Johnny stays safe and well these next several weeks. And that maybe, just maybe, where he's stationed for the first time is semi-close to home. Or wherever I end up when I graduate. Because I miss him so bad already it's not even funny.
Anyway. I'll try and be back soon, with something more cheery, lol.
Love,
Ash
But my Buddy left today. For basic training. I'm so worried about him it's not even funny. I want this for him SO BAD, but I don't want him to leave SO BAD... but he's already on his way to Harrisburg, and we're a mess.
Anyway, so I just wanted to ask you guys to pray for my brother, and my family, and that Johnny stays safe and well these next several weeks. And that maybe, just maybe, where he's stationed for the first time is semi-close to home. Or wherever I end up when I graduate. Because I miss him so bad already it's not even funny.
Anyway. I'll try and be back soon, with something more cheery, lol.
Love,
Ash
20 May 2011
Perfect.
I kinda don't want to talk about this.
(Does that mean I shouldn't?) But I need to get this out there--to admit it, to make it real.
I have NO clue what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm trying oh-so-hard not to complain about this, but sometimes life is just so confusing. And after my last blog post, I feel even worse about this. But here we go.
I think I'm getting my depression/OCD back. Not that it ever TRULY left, but it's been back with a vengeance these past two weeks (don't worry, I have my health insurance, so I'm planning to make an appointment to see a counselor as soon as possible!), and that just clouds everything. I love my major, don't get me wrong--I think I'm positively CALLED to be a writer. One day it'll happen. And I love being a professional writing major. Lovelovelove it. I was completely reassured that this is the place I'm supposed to be when I had to do some homework this afternoon. (Yeah, how's that for a sign?)
But then I started my internship on Monday... and I kinda don't think I'd survive a week at it if I was getting paid to do it. Now... I stick with it, b/c I need the credit, and the experience, but I don't think I could ever do this after I graduate. Not unless it's vastly different. And you know, I thought God was calling me to this. If it's a calling, something I'm MEANT to do, then why am I so confused, so pained, over this? That's not normal, is it? And I mean, I keep getting these thoughts that this sort of future that I was thinking I was heading towards--it's not really God's future for me. I mean, not the newsletter editing/writing/etc. thing. I love designing them, but I don't think I was meant to do this.
I just keep coming back to the idea that I was meant to help people. I think I was meant to help people and write novels. And adopt kids. lol. But if I can't get published RIGHT after I get out of college (which, at the rate I'm going, that will never happen!), I don't see how helping people is going to sustain me financially. How do you bake cookies for sick people and help single moms and go door-to-door praying for people and making lonely people smile and buy groceries for a family who can't afford it and give jobs to those who have lost them in this economy... THAT'S what I feel called to do, I think, but how do you sustain yourself, keep a living, doing that? I feel like I wasn't meant to fit into this world, to pay taxes and to go along with the financial format this world runs in. If my depression was gone today, and I didn't have to worry about anything, seriously, I think I would spend ALL my time writing novels and helping people with the little stuff.
I just don't know how to turn that into an income. Can you create a nonprofit ministry that has donors or something? I don't know the slightest thing about starting a ministry like that. I don't know. So I'm left with a million questions, and my mom keeps telling me, "Oh, Ashley, I told you... you have to go into writing... God has given you a gift, and you have to use it!" Yeah, I WANT to use my gift for Him, more than anything else in the world, but I truly don't believe Jesus WANTS me to be a journalist or a newsletter editor or anything like that! MAYBE a book editor or MAYBE a magazine writer, but really? No. I think Jesus wants me to help people. I've thought about being a missionary... but I don't know. So I'd appreciate prayers. Hopefully I can get some of this figured out in counseling, too.
I guess what I REALLY want to say out of all of this (besides the relief at just being able to share this with anybody--even if it's just an internetdom that doesn't see this) is that IT'S OKAY to not know what you're doing. I don't know. And I'm terrified about what will happen by New Years Day 2012. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but I am trying to trust that God knows where it's all going. I am going to have to start sending out resumes and job applications in the next couple of months... and I just pray that by the end of the summer, I can have this all figured out. But the main point? Jesus is with me. Jesus is taking care of me. And Jesus has my future in His hands. I pray that I can pray more about this, that I can learn more about God's plans, because that's all I really want to do.
But it's okay not to have the answers. I wish I could believe that more. It's okay to not be perfect. Jesus' perfection covers my imperfection, and I believe He'll help me figure it all out one day. And that gives me true hope. :)
Till next time,
Ash the (Hopeful?) Dreamer
(Does that mean I shouldn't?) But I need to get this out there--to admit it, to make it real.
I have NO clue what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm trying oh-so-hard not to complain about this, but sometimes life is just so confusing. And after my last blog post, I feel even worse about this. But here we go.
I think I'm getting my depression/OCD back. Not that it ever TRULY left, but it's been back with a vengeance these past two weeks (don't worry, I have my health insurance, so I'm planning to make an appointment to see a counselor as soon as possible!), and that just clouds everything. I love my major, don't get me wrong--I think I'm positively CALLED to be a writer. One day it'll happen. And I love being a professional writing major. Lovelovelove it. I was completely reassured that this is the place I'm supposed to be when I had to do some homework this afternoon. (Yeah, how's that for a sign?)
But then I started my internship on Monday... and I kinda don't think I'd survive a week at it if I was getting paid to do it. Now... I stick with it, b/c I need the credit, and the experience, but I don't think I could ever do this after I graduate. Not unless it's vastly different. And you know, I thought God was calling me to this. If it's a calling, something I'm MEANT to do, then why am I so confused, so pained, over this? That's not normal, is it? And I mean, I keep getting these thoughts that this sort of future that I was thinking I was heading towards--it's not really God's future for me. I mean, not the newsletter editing/writing/etc. thing. I love designing them, but I don't think I was meant to do this.
I just keep coming back to the idea that I was meant to help people. I think I was meant to help people and write novels. And adopt kids. lol. But if I can't get published RIGHT after I get out of college (which, at the rate I'm going, that will never happen!), I don't see how helping people is going to sustain me financially. How do you bake cookies for sick people and help single moms and go door-to-door praying for people and making lonely people smile and buy groceries for a family who can't afford it and give jobs to those who have lost them in this economy... THAT'S what I feel called to do, I think, but how do you sustain yourself, keep a living, doing that? I feel like I wasn't meant to fit into this world, to pay taxes and to go along with the financial format this world runs in. If my depression was gone today, and I didn't have to worry about anything, seriously, I think I would spend ALL my time writing novels and helping people with the little stuff.
I just don't know how to turn that into an income. Can you create a nonprofit ministry that has donors or something? I don't know the slightest thing about starting a ministry like that. I don't know. So I'm left with a million questions, and my mom keeps telling me, "Oh, Ashley, I told you... you have to go into writing... God has given you a gift, and you have to use it!" Yeah, I WANT to use my gift for Him, more than anything else in the world, but I truly don't believe Jesus WANTS me to be a journalist or a newsletter editor or anything like that! MAYBE a book editor or MAYBE a magazine writer, but really? No. I think Jesus wants me to help people. I've thought about being a missionary... but I don't know. So I'd appreciate prayers. Hopefully I can get some of this figured out in counseling, too.
I guess what I REALLY want to say out of all of this (besides the relief at just being able to share this with anybody--even if it's just an internetdom that doesn't see this) is that IT'S OKAY to not know what you're doing. I don't know. And I'm terrified about what will happen by New Years Day 2012. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but I am trying to trust that God knows where it's all going. I am going to have to start sending out resumes and job applications in the next couple of months... and I just pray that by the end of the summer, I can have this all figured out. But the main point? Jesus is with me. Jesus is taking care of me. And Jesus has my future in His hands. I pray that I can pray more about this, that I can learn more about God's plans, because that's all I really want to do.
But it's okay not to have the answers. I wish I could believe that more. It's okay to not be perfect. Jesus' perfection covers my imperfection, and I believe He'll help me figure it all out one day. And that gives me true hope. :)
Till next time,
Ash the (Hopeful?) Dreamer
17 May 2011
Ohhhh, please.....
I really hope someone sees this and remembers to pray for me. :*(
My dad just told me tonight at supper that I no longer have insurance under his plan. I'm 23, which I guess means that parents' insurance no longer covers you? I don't know. But my depression/OCD is coming back with a vengeance, and I don't even know what to do. I was about to make an appointment to see a psychologist, to hopefully get antidepressants, and to get WELL. But now... now I don't know what to do. And I just can't stop crying.
I feel so lost.
Ash the (Not-So-Much) Dreamer
My dad just told me tonight at supper that I no longer have insurance under his plan. I'm 23, which I guess means that parents' insurance no longer covers you? I don't know. But my depression/OCD is coming back with a vengeance, and I don't even know what to do. I was about to make an appointment to see a psychologist, to hopefully get antidepressants, and to get WELL. But now... now I don't know what to do. And I just can't stop crying.
I feel so lost.
Ash the (Not-So-Much) Dreamer
15 April 2011
War
I need a bumper sticker.
When you have something to proclaim to the world, something so momentous you can't just tell a few friends on facebook, that's when you need a bumper sticker, right?
Well, I need a bumper sticker.
My brother was just accepted into the Air Force. My BROTHER just got accepted into the AIR FORCE! I'm officially a part of a military family.
I mean, I was before--my dad was in the Air Force when he was my brother's age. But he hasn't been a part of the military for DECADES. And now, now my little Buddy is a SOLDIER!
You can't even imagine what that feels like.
I'm SO utterly proud of him, so excited that his dream is coming true. Out of all the people in the world, I would fight for orphans and soldiers the most. If you're selfless enough to become a soldier, then you deserve a TON of recognition and gratitude, in my book. My brother's about to step into that world, and I'm so proud my heart's about to explode.
Then again, I'm terrified. He's talking about training as one of those soldiers who sits at the edge of a helicopter, with the machine guns, taking out the enemy below. He's talking about driving trucks along roads that are LINED with IEDs. He's talking about being a security detail, walking the streets of Iraq. I'm thrilled that he's SO excited about this, but I'm scared half to death.
What if my Buddy is murdered by insurgents on his first day of his first deployment? What if my Buddy loses a leg or an arm? What if he becomes paralyzed? Worse of all, what if his SOUL becomes paralyzed, because of all the horrors he'll see? What will killing a man do to my heartwarming, adorable little brother?
Buddy is TOO GOOD for war. He's funny and happy and silly and hugable and smart and artistic, and all that could be wasted when some (potentially) well-meaning government officials decide that his skills would be best served in a war zone. If the American military topples my brother's already weak faith, I think that would kill me.
What will being a soldier do to him? I'm scared of that.
But oh, I'm oh-so-proud.
I'm a sister of an airman. I'm a sister of an airman who is going to KICK BUTT.
That's all for now. :)
Till next time,
Ash the (Worried) Dreamer
When you have something to proclaim to the world, something so momentous you can't just tell a few friends on facebook, that's when you need a bumper sticker, right?
Well, I need a bumper sticker.
My brother was just accepted into the Air Force. My BROTHER just got accepted into the AIR FORCE! I'm officially a part of a military family.
I mean, I was before--my dad was in the Air Force when he was my brother's age. But he hasn't been a part of the military for DECADES. And now, now my little Buddy is a SOLDIER!
You can't even imagine what that feels like.
I'm SO utterly proud of him, so excited that his dream is coming true. Out of all the people in the world, I would fight for orphans and soldiers the most. If you're selfless enough to become a soldier, then you deserve a TON of recognition and gratitude, in my book. My brother's about to step into that world, and I'm so proud my heart's about to explode.
Then again, I'm terrified. He's talking about training as one of those soldiers who sits at the edge of a helicopter, with the machine guns, taking out the enemy below. He's talking about driving trucks along roads that are LINED with IEDs. He's talking about being a security detail, walking the streets of Iraq. I'm thrilled that he's SO excited about this, but I'm scared half to death.
What if my Buddy is murdered by insurgents on his first day of his first deployment? What if my Buddy loses a leg or an arm? What if he becomes paralyzed? Worse of all, what if his SOUL becomes paralyzed, because of all the horrors he'll see? What will killing a man do to my heartwarming, adorable little brother?
Buddy is TOO GOOD for war. He's funny and happy and silly and hugable and smart and artistic, and all that could be wasted when some (potentially) well-meaning government officials decide that his skills would be best served in a war zone. If the American military topples my brother's already weak faith, I think that would kill me.
What will being a soldier do to him? I'm scared of that.
But oh, I'm oh-so-proud.
I'm a sister of an airman. I'm a sister of an airman who is going to KICK BUTT.
That's all for now. :)
Till next time,
Ash the (Worried) Dreamer
21 February 2011
Happy Birthday...
This evening has been kinda hard.
Today, if my grandmother had lived a little over four months longer, she would have had a birthday.
I can't believe she's been gone for over FOUR months.
I can still remember hearing my sisters sing at her funeral.
I miss her.
A lot.
And that's really all I have to say. That, and there are just some people that don't deserve to die.
And she was one of them. Sometimes life is so unfair.
Till next time,
Ash the (Sad) Dreamer
Today, if my grandmother had lived a little over four months longer, she would have had a birthday.
I can't believe she's been gone for over FOUR months.
I can still remember hearing my sisters sing at her funeral.
I miss her.
A lot.
And that's really all I have to say. That, and there are just some people that don't deserve to die.
And she was one of them. Sometimes life is so unfair.
Till next time,
Ash the (Sad) Dreamer
28 January 2011
lalala...
Okay. I know I just blogged. But this song is seriously fabulous! Listen. Please. :]
Ash the Dreamer
Ash the Dreamer
Welcome to My World...
Long time, no see, everybody!
I have no clue if people even still care about me blogging, hahahaha. But it brought about something good in my life, so I kinda want to get back into it.
Sooo... what has Ashley been up to? Not a whole stinkin' lot. The biggest news is that I am completely in love with Ugly Betty. I know, exciting stuff, right?
That... and I'm writing again! Yay! Exciting stuff. Well... it's only fanfiction. But it makes me happy. And it's got me thinking about writing my own stories. Sooo. I think it's a good thing. If you have any clue what Covert Affairs is... or even if you want to know... and you're remotely curious about what I write like when I'm not rambling like an idiot... you should check it out. :] Here's the link to my profile that has all the stories I've written. here. :]
Okay. I think that's it for now. I'll try and come up with something more exciting later. :]
Till next time,
Ash the Dreamer
I have no clue if people even still care about me blogging, hahahaha. But it brought about something good in my life, so I kinda want to get back into it.
Sooo... what has Ashley been up to? Not a whole stinkin' lot. The biggest news is that I am completely in love with Ugly Betty. I know, exciting stuff, right?
That... and I'm writing again! Yay! Exciting stuff. Well... it's only fanfiction. But it makes me happy. And it's got me thinking about writing my own stories. Sooo. I think it's a good thing. If you have any clue what Covert Affairs is... or even if you want to know... and you're remotely curious about what I write like when I'm not rambling like an idiot... you should check it out. :] Here's the link to my profile that has all the stories I've written. here. :]
Okay. I think that's it for now. I'll try and come up with something more exciting later. :]
Till next time,
Ash the Dreamer
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